[Miscellany]

I had a conversation the other day with some mates about responsibilities.  I suppose we are at that age now where responsibilities is a word that means much more than not spending your whole pay check on records or getting your essay in on time.  Responsibilities are more about other humans - taking other humans into account.  Namely your children and your husband.  I have neither children or a husband and there is still a lingering stink in the air that supposes that any responsibilities I take on are a choice that I can let go of at any time.  The fact that my alarm goes off at 5am and I get home at 9pm is a fanciful choice and therefore much easier and less important than a friend who say, gets up at 7am because her husband lets her sleep in and home by 5pm, plus domestic labour.  My day doesn't end at 9pm.  I still have to run the same kind of household that everyone else does.  Cooking, cleaning, garbage, bills etc., I just do it all on my own.  I don't have children but I do have an ageing parent that is demanding, and of whom I worry about a lot.  I have a burning dread in my belly that I will never have anyone looking out for me when I am her age.  That dread isn't an empty threat, it's incredibly as real and imminent as the water bills I pay each quarter. And I know that my chances of having anything more than this in my life is 99.9% certain.  I don't have an ever changing landscape of delightful school Christmas concerts, graduations, family holidays, happy birthdays or grandchildren ahead.  Hell, I can go weeks without speaking to one soul.  I don't speak to anyone on the weekend, unless I pay them - a coffee, an osteo appointment. I don't have anything ahead.  I can't tell you one thing that is worth writing down here.

I'm listening to my friends talk about the constant juggling they do.  Kids to footy training, work and friends and husbands.  I commiserate with their anger at how invisible their work is.  I recoil at the emotional labour they endure by keeping the household running.  I think to myself that I also ferry people around, to doctors appointments and check in daily.  I carry the emotional labour or being the only one on hand. I commiserate with myself at how invisible my work is because there is no one to commiserate with me.

I look at my dwindling finances at not being able to afford a holiday, ever.  I look on in wonder at my those that are able to organise holidays away with other families, knowing that their kids get along and that "it's just easier that way".   I look on at my stove and think "what's the use of cooking for just one?".  I think of the relief of dying at every single moment that I'm aware of my thoughts.  I am responsible.  I'm all responsibility without any of the humanity.  But that's not by design.  It is not a mindset issue.  It's the unspoken way that one lives who is single and who doesn't look like Carrie Bradshaw. The single older woman has less voice than any mother, ever.  We are silent.  Silenced.

I know that when you click off this post you won't ever think twice about me.  I know nobody ever thinks twice about me.  I am rudderless and useless.  I pay all the taxes of a citizen without any of the joys of receipt.  I am all parts responsible.  I am responsible.

posted by M at 11:15 pm 4 comments