Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Guest Post!!!!!

Hi there everyone! It's me, Bret Michaels from legendary bandanna sporting, crotch grabbing, eyeliner wearing hair band of the 80s: Poison. Remember us? We wrote such classics as Every Rose has its Thorn and erm... well I'll get back to you with the other ground breaking hits in a few hours, after I sober up. Now I'm singing country music down in Las Vegas. Go me. I'm like the Bob Dylan of hair bands.

It takes a lot to surprise me but I gotta be honest with you, when I was approached by VH1 to star in my very own Reality show I reacted immediately. I stumbled out of bed, left a $50 tip on the nightstand, applied some eyeliner, sprayed some hair spray, drank half a bottle of Southern Comfort, fell into a diabetic coma for a few hours, partied with the girls at the local strip joint, forgot where I was, found myself in a foreign town that spoke no English, performed Unskinny Bop for $23 in loose change in a lesbian bar, finally remembered about the call from VH1 and squealed like an excited little girl. MY VERY OWN REALITY TV SHOW! Can you imagine?

I called my bodyguard, Big John, immediately and started making plans. Say goodbye to crap country music FOREVA, BJ - VH1 like me, they really, really like me! So, pack up the trailer and bandannas - we're hittin' the big smoke and we'll never be hungry again! Big John was all like, Let's not hold our breath mate. This could be a big ruse to make you look really dumb in front of millions of people. Is that what you really want? Man, that Big John sure is a pessimist. But he's right about the ruse - I don't want to overdo it with the blusher on television. I already made that mistake in 1987 and I ain't goin' back to that. No sir. From now on it's just a wee bit of eyeliner, hair spray, fake tan, maybe some lipstick and mascara when I go out, an eyebrow pluck from Georgio on Rodeo Drive (he's just divine!), monthly botox, a girdle (a man doesn't just SLIP into a pair of pleather pants you know!) and "nearly nude" nail polish. You won't catch me dead in "ruse" these days. Well, not everyday anyway!

I gotta be honest with you, the premise of the show was a real turn on. There's me and Big John and then there are about 20 or so women who all want to sleep with me. Looking at them all is like looking at an explosion at the peroxide and silicone factory. It's hair and boobs as far as the eye can see. HEAVEN! After a few days I get to pick ONE who gets to be my girlfriend for the next 5 minutes. It's the coolest idea ever - because everyone who knows me knows I'm just any other average guy with big long peroxided hair who shoves a pair of socks down his tight pants: I'm just looking for the right girl to settle down with and complete my lonely hearts club band.

When we went into this I made it abundantly clear that I wanted a real relationship out of this. I may have slept with thousands of women in my time, most of them while completely inebriated and I'm sure some of them not even women. Hell, some of them may not have even been human, I don't know... I don't like to dwell on it, but I've had a lot of sex. I mean ... A SHITLOAD. Lately I've been thinking about my own daughters - precious jewels that they are. If I keep going like I am now - eventually I'm going to end up sleeping with them too! I mean, it's inevitable. It's time for me to find a nice girl who will see me through to my old age - even though due to my plastic surgery I still look like a fresh faced 46 year old with a reaaallly tight face.

That's why when it came to picking the girls I only picked ones who I thought would be up to taking this as seriously as I was going to be. This is LOVE we're talking about here not just about gyrating on a mechanical bull in the middle of an unclassy restaurant (though a bit of that turns me on, I won't lie!) Sure, if I get a blow job here or there out of it, that's just an added perk. A lot of people don't know this about me but I'm extremely sensitive and sympathetic to womyn and their causes. I really wanted to pick ladies for my show that would not only compliment me but also be fully representative of every kind of womyn out there in the world:

Strippers = check.
Psycho bitch from hell = check
Dumb blondes = check
Bitchy whores = check.
Drunktards who will do anything = check.
Barely legals = check
Sluts = check
Porn queens = check.
Hotties = check
Womyn wearing cowboy hats = check.
Slightly emotionally unstable but still hot = check.
Ladies willing to pole dance and suck face on national TV = CHECK!
Boob job whores = check and CHECK!

As I said - a wide variety of lovely ladies. I just couldn't wait to get down and dirty and even Big John couldn't wait. I usually throw him a bone or two when it comes to the ladies.

Anyway, everyday was a big turn on, I'm not going to lie to you. Everything these precious ladies did was a big turn on for me. Scrag fights about PETA - turn on. Stalkishly telling me they love me on day one - turn on. Spraying hairspray that still contained CFCs - BIG turn on! Hell, one of them threw up at the dinner table one night - and I almost blew it right there at the table. Luckily I keep a pair of sports socks shoved down my pants at all times so I didn't have to go "refresh" myself at all. I gotta be honest with you, I'm turning myself on just writing about it. What can I say? Life is turn on when you have big hair and pretty much get to schtup every gal you meet. But I'm a SNAG, really. I believe in a womyn's right to schtup every guy she meets too. Especially if that guy is me!

So anyway, I didn't really end up finding my true love on the show. I don't know how it all went pear shaped to tell you the truth. You see all the girls on the show got really pissed at me because they said that one of the girls on the show was psychotic and they couldn't understand why I kept her on the show. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary at all! She was just being assertive! Okay, once I did walk in on her holding a bloody knife in one hand and somebody elses small intestine in the other. I think it belonged to the other girl that was lying on the floor bleeding to death but you know... looking back who knows what was going on? And was it even my business anyway? Sometimes you just gotta give womyn some space to do what they have to do. I understand that about them, trust me. This knife wielding lovely was probably just expressing herself. Plus, she was totally topless and turning me on. I like that in a woman.

When it comes down to it, it was really those other girls who were so bitter for not giving her a chance. Girls always do this to each other. They just can't get along! Why girls can't get along with other girls who threaten to lie, cheat, steal and kill in order to get what they want is beyond me. I have slept with thousands of women and maybe even some animals and I'm telling you, they're not that hard to figure out. I mean, the way I see it is that if a girl is hot then there is no way that she will also be a bitch or psychotic, right? It's just that other women are always JEALOUS of women who are hot. It's as simple as that.

You might call me stupid for having type 1 diabetes and still drinking my body weight in pure alcohol every night but you simply CANNOT call me stupid for the way I see women. I am always right when it comes to women. Always. In fact I'm so good that my search for my one true love has taken me to season 3 of my show!! Can you believe it? It's so fulfilling, finding myself week after week in the back of a tour bus with a different young thing, through this journey of love. All I've ever wanted is a special angel who shares my penchant for loose women, peroxide, fake tans and bad hair extensions. This is so going to happen for me soon. I can feel it!

Unskinny Bop - Poison

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Friday, October 10, 2008

the dot point brigade

* Whenever I come back from holidays I look magnificent. I'm rested. I'm manicured and I'm stress free. Give me three days and I'm back to being an old hag with chipped nails and crazy eyes. What is it about work that just does your head in? I mean why can't we all just have jobs where you get to work, swan around, drink your coffee and then spend the rest of the day on facebook/blogger/email/whatever else peeps do these days and then leave right on the dot and arrive home with your lipstick still on? My lipstick lasts literally 30 minutes.

* I've been getting a few misdirected emails lately. There was the one about pet sitting - it was a couple of emails actually. Can you sit with the pet for the first one and the second email was sort of like "great job but we found the door unlocked, please don't leave the door unlocked". I've also had a couple of specific party invitations to people I don't know, FROM people I don't know. Is this happening to anyone else? At first I thought it was a spam thing but the emails are really quite specific and personal. Are spammers getting cleverer or am I getting dumber?

* Am back on the house hunting bandwagon. Great time to be out on the lookout eh? FINANCIAL CRISIS - MARKET CRASH - RECORD BANKRUPTCY. Ooohh, how 'bout I get out there and look for a house? yeah.

I'm already in the email wars with this estate agent. He's such a smarmy bastard. God, why are they so inhuman? Why can't they just be normal people? We had an argument about the price of an apartment. I thought it was unrealistic and told him straight out. Smarmy bastards hate it when girls have figured out they are idiots and let them know about it. Personally I think more girls should let smarmy bastards know that they think they are idiots, it would make them rethink their smarmyness if all girls kept knocking them down. I feel like I'm providing a service to everyone else out there. I really am. Ego stroking is so fucking 1980. We're already into 90s retro - time to get real! His next clients are going to be treated so nicely, mark my words. Aaaaanyway. So we disagreed on this price. He went to the trouble of conjuring up some auction results list which supposedly proved his point - which actually had no apartments on it, just houses. I mean, who the hell do these people think they are? You can't compare a house and an apartment and say that "therefore these prices are on par". I let him have it. He rang me recently saying that the "owners" had rethought their unrealistically high expectations. I hate saying I told you so - but you smarmy bastard - I told you so.

* I hear the first couple of episodes of Kath and Kim US season has debuted. Has anyone seen these? Kath and Kim (Oz) is a parody on suburban Melbourne life. The ladies who write and act the lead roles are brave performers. They take their normal middle aged bodies and make fun of them all the time. This is something that women on television do not normally do. This is something that women on American TV don't even contemplate. American TV is not about making women ugly. It's about making women who WATCH the shows FEEL ugly within themselves. Hence Kim being a chunky girl who thinks she's a hornbag (which is how it's supposed to be played) is not going to be played that way. Selma Blair is gorgeous and probably suffering an eating disorder (let's face it). In this day and age she IS a hornbag - she can't be walking around complaining that she's fat and being rejected by men all over the place. I mean it just doesn't work. It's not funny. It's not funny when an anorexic looking chick talks about weight. It's just not. It's just a psychologists appointment waiting to happen.

Therefore I have to ask. Why can't they just import the show and play the original on their tele? I mean, is American humour so unique and American culture so like a vacuum that they can't listen to other accents/learn about other cultures? Every other nation in the world just watches other shows from other nations, accents and all. We got no issue with it. Why should they? Why "Americanise" everything? Haven't they worked out that Americanising *anything* is just very, very bad?

* S was telling me about her guardian angels (spirit guides, whatever you call them) the other day. I dunno - do you believe you have a guardian angel of some kind? That is a specific "person" assigned to help you out in your life? If it's true I sort of feel sorry for mine. I mean, how boring for them.

* I checked my stats for the first time in about a million years. One of my referrals was "I'd love to fuck Kerri Anne Kennerly". Folks I feel so proud, you just have no idea. I'm having about a million pop-cultural orgasms at once.

* I think I'm going through a bit of a life transformation. Things are getting a bit weird. I don't know what to say about it, but things are shifting - not really forwards but sideways.

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Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

I have a sinking feeling that "the 90s" is coming back - and not the good part Brit pop indie bit either. I'm getting a vision of fluro-hypercolour board shorts teemed with ankle boot sneakers, short orange jackets with shoulder pads worn over tiny vests.... lots and lots of floral patterned vests...everywhere. That's right - I'm talking Vanilla Ice 90s.

Undeniable Evidence:

* Three years ago C+C Music Factory sounded like nails down the blackboard. Today, I got through "Gonna Make you Sweat" without blinking an eyelid. I'm like a barometer for cultural shift and I'm telling you - if it isn't already here, it's coming.

* I saw a pair of high top sneakers in the shops the other day. HIGH TOP SNEAKERS! Not in a St. Vinnies either - I'm taking never been worn before high tops disguised as the new thing sitting pretty along side the yoga stuff.

* Jeannie Garth is back on our television screens via....90210!

* Hair has been getting straighter for a while. The 90s was aaaaall about straight (though, a boofy kind of straight).

* I also heard Two Princes by Spin Doctors on the radio a couple of days ago. It wasn't played in irony either. I totally sang along. I still knew all the words.

* ...and who can deny big earrings? Big earrings have been making a come back for a while ladies. Am I right?

I'm just sayin' - lock up all your good taste folks: THE 90's ARE SOOOO BACK.

What is Love? - Haddaway

Have you come across any evidence? Are you excited or filled with dread?

update - 2/10/08
90s spotting of the day
Hoddle street, Melbs
Male, early 30s.
Ray bans, black blazer worn over "groovy" t-shirt, high waisted light blue denim, hair combed back, BOAT SHOES.
I promise I did not make that up.

Flipped the radio station - "Horny" by Mousse T. and Hot 'N' Juicy was playing.

update - 4/9/08

90s spotting of the day.
Riva, St Kilda
Female, early 20s
multicoloured MC HAMMER PANTS!
I'm talking crotch at the knee here.

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