[Miscellany]

I've never thought of myself as a particularly fearful person.  In fact, I think that as a child I was quite fearless, possibly outspoken, perhaps even obnoxious at times.  I was a leader and probably not all that benevolent either. I was moody and had a temper (have a temper?).  I do remember being shy though, uncertain when it came to friendships (did anybody actually like me?) and even running and hiding behind the couch when strangers came to visit.

I don't remember when the fear as I know it now really crept in.  Maybe it was always there, holding hands with my shyness and playing jump rope with my uncertainty.  Perhaps shyness and uncertainty stem from fears. I don't actually know if that is true but there are many ways in which it affects my life now.

MVOR talks a lot about my fears and where they come from.  There is a family history (hysteria, rather) that runs deep.  I don't think it's genetic but instead something seeded and nurtured.  I remember being a teenager and being so surprised when my friends' mothers would say "have a nice time" when they left the house.  As I exited the front door my mother would say something akin to "someone with a blood filled syringe may stab you with it.  I saw it on Hinch.  Be careful".  This is clearly not an environment that fosters self-confidence, love for your fellow human or being carefree is it?

Fear has stopped me from living my life in a fulfilling way.  That is a big statement to make but it's true.  I live in the sense that I am a functional member of society.  My fear doesn't stop me from having a job or paying the bills (hmph!).  I'm much too responsible to break the law in any kind of significant way and I'm too empathetic and mindful of others to ever really hurt any living thing.  I'm a good friend.  I go out.  I can share a laugh and I can speak to a room full of parents and teachers without losing too much sleep.  It's just that I'm not living my life in a way that is authentic or emotionally satisfying and that's the problem.

I'm afraid..
-to take a chance and apply for other, better jobs just in case the situation is worse than where I'm at.
-to go part time, in case I can't pay my bills.
-to go on a holiday alone.
-to put myself out there, love wise.
-(in fact), to put myself in situations where I can be rejected in any way.
-to go back to my place because I'm afraid my nose will start bleeding again and I'll be on my own.
-to be on my own.
-to make decisions - on some days any decision can become a crippling one.
-to insist on treatment that is right for and worthy of me.
-to speak my truth in case someone disagrees or ridicules me.
-to write.

(just the tip of the ice-berg, believe me).

I hide this fear well.  Most people I know have no idea I live with an anxiety that I can sometimes (most days) feel physically in the pit of my stomach.  Most people wouldn't have a clue how debilitating it is not to be able to acknowledge yourself as the instigator of your own life and make decisions.. and I suppose that is why I don't share this fact with others.

I suppose that's what it comes down to at the end of the day.  I'm the instigator of the fear and of the solution but somehow I ...just can't do it. I know the only person that can change the direction of my life is me but I also don't feel as though I'm in the drivers seat in my own car.

How do I take the wheel?

Labels: emo, fear, jesus christ I'm crazy, musings, psychos, scared, wonderings

posted by M at 7:43 pm 18 comments

I have a sinking feeling that "the 90s" is coming back - and not the good part Brit pop indie bit either. I'm getting a vision of fluro-hypercolour board shorts teemed with ankle boot sneakers, short orange jackets with shoulder pads worn over tiny vests.... lots and lots of floral patterned vests...everywhere. That's right - I'm talking Vanilla Ice 90s.

Undeniable Evidence:

* Three years ago C+C Music Factory sounded like nails down the blackboard. Today, I got through "Gonna Make you Sweat" without blinking an eyelid. I'm like a barometer for cultural shift and I'm telling you - if it isn't already here, it's coming.

* I saw a pair of high top sneakers in the shops the other day. HIGH TOP SNEAKERS! Not in a St. Vinnies either - I'm taking never been worn before high tops disguised as the new thing sitting pretty along side the yoga stuff.

* Jeannie Garth is back on our television screens via....90210!

* Hair has been getting straighter for a while. The 90s was aaaaall about straight (though, a boofy kind of straight).

* I also heard Two Princes by Spin Doctors on the radio a couple of days ago. It wasn't played in irony either. I totally sang along. I still knew all the words.

* ...and who can deny big earrings? Big earrings have been making a come back for a while ladies. Am I right?

I'm just sayin' - lock up all your good taste folks: THE 90's ARE SOOOO BACK.





What is Love? - Haddaway

Have you come across any evidence? Are you excited or filled with dread?

update - 2/10/08
90s spotting of the day
Hoddle street, Melbs
Male, early 30s.
Ray bans, black blazer worn over "groovy" t-shirt, high waisted light blue denim, hair combed back, BOAT SHOES.
I promise I did not make that up.

Flipped the radio station - "Horny" by Mousse T. and Hot 'N' Juicy was playing.


update - 4/9/08
90s spotting of the day.
Riva, St Kilda
Female, early 20s
multicoloured MC HAMMER PANTS!
I'm talking crotch at the knee here.

Labels: 90s, defining moments in musical history, media, pop culture, retro, scared

posted by M at 11:54 pm 14 comments