Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Fear and Loathing

I've never thought of myself as a particularly fearful person.  In fact, I think that as a child I was quite fearless, possibly outspoken, perhaps even obnoxious at times.  I was a leader and probably not all that benevolent either. I was moody and had a temper (have a temper?).  I do remember being shy though, uncertain when it came to friendships (did anybody actually like me?) and even running and hiding behind the couch when strangers came to visit.

I don't remember when the fear as I know it now really crept in.  Maybe it was always there, holding hands with my shyness and playing jump rope with my uncertainty.  Perhaps shyness and uncertainty stem from fears. I don't actually know if that is true but there are many ways in which it affects my life now.

MVOR talks a lot about my fears and where they come from.  There is a family history (hysteria, rather) that runs deep.  I don't think it's genetic but instead something seeded and nurtured.  I remember being a teenager and being so surprised when my friends' mothers would say "have a nice time" when they left the house.  As I exited the front door my mother would say something akin to "someone with a blood filled syringe may stab you with it.  I saw it on Hinch.  Be careful".  This is clearly not an environment that fosters self-confidence, love for your fellow human or being carefree is it?

Fear has stopped me from living my life in a fulfilling way.  That is a big statement to make but it's true.  I live in the sense that I am a functional member of society.  My fear doesn't stop me from having a job or paying the bills (hmph!).  I'm much too responsible to break the law in any kind of significant way and I'm too empathetic and mindful of others to ever really hurt any living thing.  I'm a good friend.  I go out.  I can share a laugh and I can speak to a room full of parents and teachers without losing too much sleep.  It's just that I'm not living my life in a way that is authentic or emotionally satisfying and that's the problem.

I'm afraid..
-to take a chance and apply for other, better jobs just in case the situation is worse than where I'm at.
-to go part time, in case I can't pay my bills.
-to go on a holiday alone.
-to put myself out there, love wise.
-(in fact), to put myself in situations where I can be rejected in any way.
-to go back to my place because I'm afraid my nose will start bleeding again and I'll be on my own.
-to be on my own.
-to make decisions - on some days any decision can become a crippling one.
-to insist on treatment that is right for and worthy of me.
-to speak my truth in case someone disagrees or ridicules me.
-to write.

(just the tip of the ice-berg, believe me).

I hide this fear well.  Most people I know have no idea I live with an anxiety that I can sometimes (most days) feel physically in the pit of my stomach.  Most people wouldn't have a clue how debilitating it is not to be able to acknowledge yourself as the instigator of your own life and make decisions.. and I suppose that is why I don't share this fact with others.

I suppose that's what it comes down to at the end of the day.  I'm the instigator of the fear and of the solution but somehow I ...just can't do it. I know the only person that can change the direction of my life is me but I also don't feel as though I'm in the drivers seat in my own car.

How do I take the wheel?

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