[Miscellany]

Something has awakened in me this Spring, along with the blossoms.  It's an emotion, a frustration, an anger, love, a lust for life to take over and a feeling of inevitability that change will happen. 

There is a part of me that walks alongside me, behind me, above me, ahead.  My higher self I suppose.  I can see her silver rope in hand, attached through and inside me, pulling at the chord, she's running ahead, skipping forwards, pirouetting through the air, dancing a wild dervish while the physical me plods behind.  Higher self is quite a force, trust me.  She is beckoning me forwards through the wasted nights, wasted years, wasted life and showing me a future without despair.

I have waited for the epiphany.  I have searched for the synchronicity and explored all connections.  I've been misguided and walked down the wrong path many times but I've come to the realisation that sometimes people come into your life for one reason only.  You may share a joke.  Feel a connection.  See a spark.  Light a candle.  Carry a flame.  Are best friends.  But maybe that friendship of love or lust isn't why they are important.  That connection whatever it is isn't the important one at all. The important bit is the sentence they utter offhandedly one day.  The song you hear on their ipod when you borrow it.  The t-shirt they wear with that slogan.  The tweet you read by accident.  Whatever.  That little chaotic accident ..or twist of fate pushes you forwards and before you know it you're tumbling off the edge and into your future.  They will never know and never need to know that that their inconsequential little nothing turned into something marvelous inside you.

You came into my life to lead me here.

Despair - Yeah Yeah Yeahs



Seasons change, emotions change, the government changes, the waves roll in and out.
Good and bad, it's all change.
Everything has its day... and so will I.

Labels: about me, brain fuzz, change, change the colour of your day, choices, contemplation, daydreams, divination, endless summer lift the curse, fear, music, musical monday, personal, the circle dance, voice

posted by M at 7:08 pm 6 comments

I've never thought of myself as a particularly fearful person.  In fact, I think that as a child I was quite fearless, possibly outspoken, perhaps even obnoxious at times.  I was a leader and probably not all that benevolent either. I was moody and had a temper (have a temper?).  I do remember being shy though, uncertain when it came to friendships (did anybody actually like me?) and even running and hiding behind the couch when strangers came to visit.

I don't remember when the fear as I know it now really crept in.  Maybe it was always there, holding hands with my shyness and playing jump rope with my uncertainty.  Perhaps shyness and uncertainty stem from fears. I don't actually know if that is true but there are many ways in which it affects my life now.

MVOR talks a lot about my fears and where they come from.  There is a family history (hysteria, rather) that runs deep.  I don't think it's genetic but instead something seeded and nurtured.  I remember being a teenager and being so surprised when my friends' mothers would say "have a nice time" when they left the house.  As I exited the front door my mother would say something akin to "someone with a blood filled syringe may stab you with it.  I saw it on Hinch.  Be careful".  This is clearly not an environment that fosters self-confidence, love for your fellow human or being carefree is it?

Fear has stopped me from living my life in a fulfilling way.  That is a big statement to make but it's true.  I live in the sense that I am a functional member of society.  My fear doesn't stop me from having a job or paying the bills (hmph!).  I'm much too responsible to break the law in any kind of significant way and I'm too empathetic and mindful of others to ever really hurt any living thing.  I'm a good friend.  I go out.  I can share a laugh and I can speak to a room full of parents and teachers without losing too much sleep.  It's just that I'm not living my life in a way that is authentic or emotionally satisfying and that's the problem.

I'm afraid..
-to take a chance and apply for other, better jobs just in case the situation is worse than where I'm at.
-to go part time, in case I can't pay my bills.
-to go on a holiday alone.
-to put myself out there, love wise.
-(in fact), to put myself in situations where I can be rejected in any way.
-to go back to my place because I'm afraid my nose will start bleeding again and I'll be on my own.
-to be on my own.
-to make decisions - on some days any decision can become a crippling one.
-to insist on treatment that is right for and worthy of me.
-to speak my truth in case someone disagrees or ridicules me.
-to write.

(just the tip of the ice-berg, believe me).

I hide this fear well.  Most people I know have no idea I live with an anxiety that I can sometimes (most days) feel physically in the pit of my stomach.  Most people wouldn't have a clue how debilitating it is not to be able to acknowledge yourself as the instigator of your own life and make decisions.. and I suppose that is why I don't share this fact with others.

I suppose that's what it comes down to at the end of the day.  I'm the instigator of the fear and of the solution but somehow I ...just can't do it. I know the only person that can change the direction of my life is me but I also don't feel as though I'm in the drivers seat in my own car.

How do I take the wheel?

Labels: emo, fear, jesus christ I'm crazy, musings, psychos, scared, wonderings

posted by M at 7:43 pm 18 comments

I'm struggling lately with feelings of low self worth. I've always struggled with this stuff, as long as I can remember but recently I've felt it more than usual. I do remember being about 6 or so and feeling that I wasn't good enough for my family or friends or school or anyone and those feelings have always been with me ever since. I look back now and know why and how I started feeling like shit about myself but you know..24 odd years of feeling that is a long time to turn a habit into something ingrained. The truth of the matter is that I've never known what it's like to feel that sense of 'this one person in the world accepts me for who I am' - which I'm imagining that most people feel at SOME point in their lives even if it's from their parents or a lover or good friend or offspring etc. Part of this I can credit to my upbringing and part of it probably goes to myself for actually NOT being good enough. I may be self critical but I'm also extremely self reflective and not unfairly either. I do tend to see things as they are, in the harshest possible light, without any kind of rosy glow. It's also true that no one could ever tell me anything to my face or behind my back that I haven't ready flogged myself about a million times already. I've thought of everything already.

Reality; for all my imagination and fanciful thoughts I'm extremely good at it.

My ability to do this has kept me grounded but it's also given me a serve or two up the back of the head - maybe I'm concussed. Right now, I'm being pounded with shitful (made up word) feelings. Feeling undervalued at work is part of it but not all. The house thing isn't going to plan, there has not been anyone boy-ish around in forever and the friends are starting to dwindle. Family too hasn't kept up the bargain of love and respect and all that nice stuff. Health wise I haven't been right for a while either. I don't know what to say - when it's one or two things that aren't going right for a little while then you can put it down to the alignment of stars but when all is very wrong for a very long time then one asks themselves Maybe I really don't deserve any of that nice stuff that normal people have, and the old favourite what's the point?

It's a shitty time of year for being reflective though, I'll admit that. Christmas is seeing people all happy go lucky but I don't feel that way at all. I just feel really empty and like I don't belong. I feel like I'm renting a space and the landlord is going to come along any second now and say 'hey, you're just not living up to expectation' and evict me. Not quite sure where I'll go...

Labels: christmas, fear, fed up, feel like crap, feelings, oh I don't know., questions, sad sack, wonderings

posted by M at 12:02 am 23 comments

I'm about to admit something here: I don't hate Courtney Love. I know, isn't everyone supposed to hate her?

Sure, she's a completely delusional, lipstick smeared, liposuction loving, botox injecting, peroxided to the shithouse, bitchy, slutty, fame-whoring, Lying, over opinionated, messy, allegedly talentless crackhead. But I don't hate her.

I can't say I love her either but I sit somewhere between appalled and fascinated on Courtney Love. I get this distinct feeling about her that for a lot of people she's the girl you fuck but don't ever tell anyone about. As a big Nirvana fan the pairing between Kurt and Courtney seemed a little strange to me - she was always so volatile and explosive in her pain and lashing out at anyone who would listen whereas he was contemplative and kept the pain in his stomach. Maybe they each complimented that side that each of them lacked. I don't know.

I remember reading Kurt say this

They actually tried to beat us up. Courtney and I were with the baby in the eating area backstage, and Axl walked by. So Courtney yelled, "Axl! Axl, come over here!" We just wanted to say hi to him--we think he's a joke, but we just wanted to say something to him. So I said, "Will you be the godfather of our child?" I don't know what had happened before that to piss him off, but he took his aggressions out on us and began screaming bloody murder. These were his words: "You shut your bitch up, or I'm taking you down to the pavement." [laughs] Everyone around us just burst out into tears of laughter. She wasn't even saying anything mean, you know? So I turned to Courtney and said, "Shut up, bitch!" And everyone laughed and he left.

That was of course, about the run in between Kurt and Axl Rose at the MTV Music Awards. I remember reading that and thinking that Kurt and Courtney sounded sort of like a team - which is cool. Then of course there are the rumours that she stole his songs, cheated on him and had him killed. You can't win.

When Kurt died she both crumbled and then built herself up out of the ashes like a Phoenix. If you were paying attention around that time the whole thing was utterly heartbreaking and amazing at the same time. Did she exploit his death? Yes probably, but I don't know if it was all her choice either - not even Kurt could get away from the media (try as he might) as they, (he so eloquently put it) 'raped' him. The spotlight was always going to be on her post-Kurt. Perhaps Courtney raped them back, or held up a mirror so her spotlight reflected brighter than ever. In any case she was both crucified and revered by the media - they simultaneously praised her and then stabbed her until the bile came out..then they praised her again.

I was entering my mid teens when she exploded everywhere and I guess you could say I was angry at the world. The same year that Kurt died my own father died too - and the music around that time was shall we say - appropriate - to feed my own feelings of displacement and anger at life. Courtney Love was nothing if not relevant.

I listened to and enjoyed Hole's early albums Pretty on the Inside and Live Through This (rather crassly released a week after Kurt died) as well as My Body the Hand Grenade. I read her interviews in various Rock magazines trying to piece together a coherent picture of her, and of Kurt I guess. I just couldn't - she was too random. Sometimes she was eloquent and clever and other times she was just a mess. A complicated woman to enjoy. Maybe it was just easier to hate her - she was oft accused of being ugly or fat, or a feminist or a plagiariser, or talentless, an exploiter and annoying. Yes, much easier to hate her but ...I couldn't.

She was too interesting to hate. Always falling apart and then sewing herself up again. She said what she thought and to hell with who heard about it. I've lost count of how many people there have been that deny they had anything to do with Courtney, but there she was again, spilling the beans on everyone. Plus, she never seemed afraid of being 'un-lady like' (try writing whore and slut on your arm and see where it gets you in the lady stakes) - except when she put on a suit and let Barbara Walters interview her. Soon after that, the hair became more natural looking, the makeup applied properly, she started crossing her legs and keeping her boobs in - and of course, lost about 20 pounds. That's when she came across as afraid.

This is interesting about those messy women - not being feminine means being loud, obnoxious, messy, opinionated, out of control, ugly and fat - all of which Courtney, pre-Barbara interview was accused of being. And of course, all of which could be used to describe a great deal of male rock stars. There is an incredible double standard which Courtney herself has addressed on numerous occasions. For a girl, not being feminine will get you laughed at, or worse infamous instead of simply famous. The double standard is never more apparent when someone like Courtney goes from a mess to a prize. Suddenly no one had a bad word to say about her - she was Milos Forman's IT girl and Vanity Fair wanted to do nice interviews with her for once. It didn't do her persona any harm mind you and she knew what she was doing. Musically she was nothing at this point, in my opinion she lost it when she put on the suit - but then again, finally she was accepted,even if it was only for a short time.

But musically speaking there's another can of worms...

There aren't that many women who can delve into rock music without sublimating their guitar holding with pristine femininity. The accepted kind of female rock musicians look like Hollywood starlets - think Gwen Stefani, for instance - now there is also the look gritty in 3000 dollar jeans look. Love conquered and addressed this with a kind of whorish child image (Kinderwhore as it was termed) - too small dresses, ripped panty hose, mis-applied make up, turned in feet. She looked like a 3 year old who had gotten into mummy's drawers but acted like a male rock star - maybe she was just drug fucked and it wasn't intentional at all - though much of Love's antics did seem intentional.

She held her guitar like it was her penis - that is she held her guitar like male rock stars hold a guitar. She totally eclipsed her male co-writer Eric Erlanderson in presence and voice. I remember her saying once, to explain her behaviour that her gynecologist diagnosed her as having too much testosterone. Granted - that's how she acted it's just that she was held more accountable than her male co-horts. The one big difference between her and any male rock musician out there was that she wasn't afraid to be political when it came to gender.

Hole's first LP Pretty On the Inside was IMO loud, messy, confronting and brilliant. Kim Gordon produced it and I have a hell of a lot of time for Kim Gordon. Then she took up with Kurt and was accused of stealing Kurt's music to write the album Live Through This. Again, another confronting and brilliant album (no matter who wrote it). Post-Kurt, Hole was busy on the touring bandwagon etc, and so they released My Body, The Hand Grenade a collection of b-sides, covers and rare tracks - eclectic and enjoyable (also The First Session and Ask For It). Then she took up with Billy Pumpkin (again) and was accused of not writing her album Celebrity Skin. Personally I think if you don't want to be accused of writing an album then this would be a good one to be accused of not writing, Billy is credited on many tracks but except for a few great songs, it's a stinker. Then there are her solo efforts. I can't say I've bothered with them. I've been disappointed with her for a while. What can I say? I miss the volatile mess.

She's been linked with people like Michael Stipe, Billy Corgan, Evan Dando, Alex Cox, Edward Norton, Evan Dando, Trent Reznor, Rodney Bottum, Kim Gordon, Jennifer Finch, Kat Bjelland. Some of those people *hate* her with a passion some of them will defend her forever. There must be something about her, eh?

Currently she has botoxed and lip suctioned her way into oblivion. She's been trying on that conforming cloak again but it's not working - she is now absolutely the kind of mess that isn't going to work at all. It's a different kind of mess to the one she started out with. It's like she has no idea who she is anymore. Or maybe I have no idea - in any case - I can't connect. Lots of people hate her but I don't. I can't say I enjoy her current musical flavour though but once upon a time she was really exciting. It's hard to believe now, I know, but I guess you just had to be there.

Teenage Whore - Hole



Violet - Hole



20 Years in the Dakota - Hole

click for song

Drown Soda - Hole

Click for song

Labels: fear, femininity, messy women, musical monday, Yoko woman

posted by M at 1:41 pm 24 comments

*** Okay Amy tagged me to do this list of 10 shuffle ipod songs.

1) Long Distance Drunk - Modest Mouse
2) Muppet Show Theme - The Muppets (Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!)
3) So Real - Jeff Buckley
4) Joker and The Thief - Wolfmother
5) The Hustle - Van McCoy (umm..hey look there's Tom Cruise!!!! *runs away*)
6) Claire De Lune - Debussy (see, am classy sometimes!)
7) Pretty On the Inside - Hole (psh, a girl can't be classy all the bloody time!)
8) Bedroom Eyes - Kate Ceberano (um...hey look there's ..oh fuck it!)
9) Andres - L7
10) Pump It Up - Elvis Costello & The Attractions

Thank God Jump - Kris Kross didn't come up!

*** I found myself in the posho section of Myer this evening, trying to decide whether Wedgewood or Royal Doulton is better. I'm buying one of those gifts for whom someone style comes second to label. People like me do not belong in the posho section of any store - I don't know why I volunteered to get it in the first place. I hate the posho section! Swarovski crystals are sparkly bits of nothingness to me, little ornaments makes my eyes bleed and I am the world's clumsiest person. Clumsy and expensive crystal do not go hand in hand btw. I made sure not to breathe the whole time I was there.

I don't really understand the notion of labels over style but I suppose people aren't really passing on K-mart Classics and tablecloths from Big W on to their loved ones when they die - but still, who gives a shit if your photo frame is a Wedgewood or not? Well, I hope SW does because, after much deliberation that's what she's getting for her 60th.

*** In other news the Art Room is being invaded by minibeasts! The other day I was getting the children packed up from their art lesson when I hear this little scream from one of the preps - I look over and she is standing at the sink and pointing upwards. I follow her shaky pointer and ARGGGHHHHH, A SPIDER - and it's MOVING!

Now, folks - I'm one of those people that get a tad hysterical when spiders are present. This fear was not helped by my lovely Papa who one day when greeting him home from work THREW a dirty big fake, black joke spider at my head. It scared the shit out of me and I never, greeted him at the door again! I refuse to greet anyone anymore. Honey, I'm home! Yeah? Well, you just make sure you approach with both hands where I can see 'em, Mister.

I remember in my first year of teaching in the middle of a Maths lesson this bigger than Ben Hur spider crawls up the wall of my humble classroom causing me to completely LOSE it. I ran to the other side of the room yelling KILL IT! KILL IT! and wouldn't move from my little corner until one of the boys (yes that would be one of the six year olds) got rid of it for me. In the end I realised that me yelling KILL IT! may have been traumatic for a couple of the kids so I revised it to a rather hysterical sounding "take it outside so it can live and be free in the garden NOWWWW!!!!!" but I think the kids heard the KILL IT! KILL IT! thing so it wasn't quite an effective environmental message as it could have been.

Anyway, back to the Art Room: The prep kid is pointing and screaming at the most HIDEOUS, hairy, huge spider I have ever seen - and like some horrific nightmare come true, it started crawling across the ceiling where it stops still just above the tap! This, of course prompts 10 other prep kids who are standing in line waiting to wash their hands to also start screaming as well! It takes every ounce of my superpowers to not join in on the screaming and follow that up by running out the door to my car and screeching off home to my bed. I can't tell you how much restraint it took me to calmly say "oh don't worry kids, it won't hurt you. It's more scared of you than you are of it". This is of course utter BULLSHIT! There is no way in hell the spider is more scared of me than I am of it, but since I am the adult here - Home Alone style - I just smile serenely and usher the kids back to their classroom.

Ten minutes later I have the industrial rubber gloves on as I spray one half bottle of Baygon square at its hideous form while screaming the whole time and doing that dance that looks like someone is shooting bullets at my feet while the Mexican Hat Dance theme plays loudly in the background.

The Italian teacher walks by and I tell him of my near death experience. At my house, I kill the spiders and [my wife] kills the cockroaches. It works out okay he says. "Cockroaches?" I'm horrified. "I hate those second to spiders!"

Same prep class one week later. A kid puts up her hand. Uh, Miss F.
yes!
I just saw a cockroach!
DON'T PANIC KIDS! DO. NOT. PANIC! Jesus Christ!

*** EDIT - Men (and women with access to penises (penii?)) who read this blog - please humour me for a second. I found an interesting size chart on Cazzie's blog.

Click here for interesting size chart

Basically, I want to know if it's true to life. I'm not asking for your penis or shoe size here, just a simple yes or no will do nicely.

According to your scientific calculations - is this chart for real (give or take a couple of cms)?

Labels: don't panic, fear, penis, school, spiders, teaching

posted by M at 7:39 pm 42 comments