[Miscellany]

There haven't been many term breaks when I feel unable to function but these school holidays have me at a loss.  I'm walking through molasses and I can't explain why.  There is seemingly no rhyme or reason... except of course there is. There is nothing without reason.  I don't and can't believe that chaos theory is a complete explanation of why things are or how they came to be.  The problem is of course, that I'm avoiding that rhyme or reason.

I'm not exactly missing the everyday slog of being at work and yet I find myself as a ship without an anchor without it.  I know I have to write that pesky resume.  I know I have to go through that pile of work.  I know there are so many things I want and need to do but I can't seem to be motivated enough to do any of them, including writing.  Though, funnily enough I've been drawing...

MVOR said that I need to go on a journey and have a holiday.  I owe it to myself to have a break and to have nice things to look forward to.  Before this term break started I was motivated to do just that but as soon as the bell rang on Friday afternoon last week something within me changed.  It was that simple.  One second I was ready to take on the world and the next, I wasn't.  Every day since then has felt like I've run a marathon before I open my eyes each morning.  And every night has felt like the longest night that I've ever lived.

This feeling of frustration and angst at my life is a new feeling.  I think before, I was resigned and numb about the status quo but now I am struggling with a sense of needing more from my life than daydreams.  I can't quite seem to get it together to make that happen though.

Anyway, the other day I found myself in a record store when this song by The Chills came over the loud speakers.  I felt an immediate sense of nostalgia for things that never were.  I stood there for a while, with Kate Bush's The Kick Inside firmly in hand and remembered a life I never lived.  It was kind of surreal to say the least and I'm sure I'm not quite explaining this out of body experience right but ... I guess you had to be there (in my head).   If I were 10 years older I think this would have been a firm favourite of mine "back in the day" however as it stands, I heard it for the first time  a few days ago and have played it every day since then.  It's a great song... a bit depressing but it suits the current mood.

Pink Frost - The Chills

Labels: blurry girl, brain fuzz, choices, constellations, music, musical monday, sad sack, wonderings

posted by M at 11:31 pm 4 comments

I gave away my wedding song to a girl I work with.  She is getting married in a week and I'm not invited to the wedding.  She's not my friend, just simply a colleague. The fact that I even *had* a wedding song is laughable but goes back to what I said about hope I guess.

I have to admit that I hesitated a little before handing it over.  There was a part of me that clutched to to the song like a symbol of every possibility that ever existed to me and even as I told her I could feel my grip tighten on it and heart clench around it, trying to hold it close.  Somehow though, it had to be done, I don't even know why.  By handing it over was I wiping my hands clean of a part of my past that I had treated like a crutch or was it about letting go of dreams and giving up? I still don't know what the answer to that is but all I do know is that before I had enough time to weigh up the pros and cons of being so forthcoming it was already out there.

There was a moment before I told her the song that I knew she would love it.  I could see her in my mind's eye, smiling up at her groom and I knew that this, and I'm thinking of my last post here, would be my little inconsequential nothing that I would impart to her that would turn into something in her world.  Everybody comes into your life for a reason folk.  I believe that.  Even in the blog world.

The only thing is, is that it's not just a little inconsequential nothing is it?  Maybe it is... I don't know.  Maybe all things are for letting go.  I have to trust that this was always hers to begin with and not mine to hold on to.  I'll get mine one day too... whatever "mine" ends up being, I truly don't know what form that will take - bag lady, crazy cat lady, authoress, teacher extraordinaire, housewife, bon vivant...another song.  I trust that it whatever it is "it" will be the right thing for me.

I have to, don't I?

Let's Stay Together - Al Green

Labels: about me, change, giving away, Lloyd Dobler moment, marriage, mine, music, smug marrieds, wedding, yours

posted by M at 5:34 am 9 comments

Something has awakened in me this Spring, along with the blossoms.  It's an emotion, a frustration, an anger, love, a lust for life to take over and a feeling of inevitability that change will happen. 

There is a part of me that walks alongside me, behind me, above me, ahead.  My higher self I suppose.  I can see her silver rope in hand, attached through and inside me, pulling at the chord, she's running ahead, skipping forwards, pirouetting through the air, dancing a wild dervish while the physical me plods behind.  Higher self is quite a force, trust me.  She is beckoning me forwards through the wasted nights, wasted years, wasted life and showing me a future without despair.

I have waited for the epiphany.  I have searched for the synchronicity and explored all connections.  I've been misguided and walked down the wrong path many times but I've come to the realisation that sometimes people come into your life for one reason only.  You may share a joke.  Feel a connection.  See a spark.  Light a candle.  Carry a flame.  Are best friends.  But maybe that friendship of love or lust isn't why they are important.  That connection whatever it is isn't the important one at all. The important bit is the sentence they utter offhandedly one day.  The song you hear on their ipod when you borrow it.  The t-shirt they wear with that slogan.  The tweet you read by accident.  Whatever.  That little chaotic accident ..or twist of fate pushes you forwards and before you know it you're tumbling off the edge and into your future.  They will never know and never need to know that that their inconsequential little nothing turned into something marvelous inside you.

You came into my life to lead me here.

Despair - Yeah Yeah Yeahs



Seasons change, emotions change, the government changes, the waves roll in and out.
Good and bad, it's all change.
Everything has its day... and so will I.

Labels: about me, brain fuzz, change, change the colour of your day, choices, contemplation, daydreams, divination, endless summer lift the curse, fear, music, musical monday, personal, the circle dance, voice

posted by M at 7:08 pm 6 comments

Sometimes my conversations with MVOR are inconsequential, they float away into the atmosphere as soon as I leave the comfort of that cosy little room.  Other times the conversation has stayed with me dancing on my shoulder and poking me with a pitchfork like a little devil so I never forget.

The Archetypes conversation we had last week has lingered around me and refusing to leave.

Like all our conversations, this started somewhere rather remote and eventually meandered in that same way it usually does, past the inadequacies of my upbringing and taking a right through my lack of self esteem and stumbling somewhere near the babbling brook of discontent until we reached the fairytale discussion.

If you think about it, we are all in our consciousness and at the very core a collection of archetypes.  That is how our point of reference for ourselves and the way in which we size up and identify each other.  Every story has its wicked witch, its naive traveler, a caregiver, a Prince.  There are those that look one way and act another like our friend The Beast and there are those that without doubt are exactly who they appear to be, like Snow White.  Love it or hate it archetypes are important to us.  How else would you know what I meant by Perfect Mother unless you already had an idea in your mind of what that would entail?  Even if your own Mother wasn't perfect at all, you would still have a projected ideal in your mind of what she should have been.

The fairytale discussion began with an unflattering description of someone in my life as the wicked witch from Hansel and Gretel.  MVOR agreed that this sounded consistent with my observations about her in previous discussions and so if that was true when who was I?

As the leading lady in my own sorrowful story you'd think that this would be an easy question to answer but I couldn't reconcile myself as a Red Riding Hood, Snow White or Belle.  There is no heroine for me to project forward.  MVOR heard my silence, as she often does... and in her perceptive way eventually prompted;  I thought that would be obvious.  Aren't you Cinderella?  She gave a multitude of good reasons why I should be.

I considered it for a long while but ultimately had to disagree.

I couldn't be Cinderella because Cinderella, like all leading heroines, is a character laden with hope and possibility.  You go into reading her story knowing that she will prevail.  Despite her lowly and doomed status as a servant to her Stepmother and horrid Stepsisters, success is still a certainty for her, like it is for all heroines.  I can't say that anything is a positive certainty for me.  The jury is still out on whether I will turn these lemons into lemonade or even if I will manage to maintain this exhausting balancing act of my life that can at best be described as a "status quo".  No, though I may indeed be in the soot and cinders, sleeping with the outcasts and edging my way along the fringes like our old friend Cinderella I'm not quite as entitled as she to a happy ending.  Who is to say I am?  What's the guarantee?  Not everyone ends up with love, family, money, security, health or self actualisation.  In fact, not even having one of them is a certainty.

MVOR explained that our archetypes and internal schemas are part of the image we have of ourselves and that which we project outwards.  Is it indeed a self fulfilling prophesy to see oneself in a certain light and to project that outwards, therefore inviting others to see us thus?  And so what do you do if your internal archetype is not positive or constructive?  Well this is a question for the ages.  I'm told it can change with a lot of perseverance and adjustments to our internal narrative.

So if my archetypal fairytale character is not Cindy, then what do you suppose I said?
----

I bought an album the other day for the first time in a loooooong time.  I don't tend to buy albums anymore.  I buy songs. I suppose we all do that now.  But this one... this one I bought.  I seem to be listening to this song a lot.  It takes me somewhere otherworldly.  Exactly what I need.

Pontoon - Emma Louise

Labels: archtypes, fairytales, music, musical monday, musings, MVOR, questions, schemas, thinking, thoughts

posted by M at 11:52 pm 10 comments

I spent a long time this weekend organising my teacher resources.  I have literally thousands of dollars worth of literature and resources that just sits there taking up space and gathering dust.  Anyway after many frustrating hours of putting bits of paper into plastic pockets and then into folders the room is looking a lot neater.  I sat back tonight and surveyed my efforts and waiting for the feeling of satisfaction and euphoria to overtake me as you'd expect it would after a big clean up moment like this, but that feeling never came.  As a matter of fact I don't feel any sense of satisfaction in my clean up of the room at all.  Despite two Ikea bags full of of things I've thrown out and 2 bags I've redirect to other areas of the house I feel like the room is still frustratingly exactly as it was.

I've rearranged, I've thrown out the excess rubbish and clutter but I haven't really sorted through my shit.  Do I truly need that folder full of activities about healthy eating from 2005 that I inherited from another teacher and have never used?  Why should I keep that book about using computer activities with Grade 2-6 that I haven't opened?  For that matter should I keep any of the books whose spine still isn't even cracked?  Why do I need any of those things and why do I have them in the first place?  If I had to be objective I could probably fit all the things I need onto one shelf.  Instead I have 2, plus the 2 at school, plus the 7 car loads in storage...and more.

I seem to do this every time I attempt to clean.  I sort through my things, make it all look neat and never really evaluate or get rid of the things I really need to.  The excess history I've accumulated on these shelves of mine that I've refused to throw out have created blockage for the potential of new things coming in.  I can't fit anything else in if I don't get rid of the stale stuff that is there.  Sure, I can create a more efficient filing system or invest in a larger space, deeper shelves and generally manage the resources I have more effectively but that's not what I really want to do.

What I really want to do is preserve the essential pieces of my past that I can't move forward without and get rid of all the excess shit that clogs all that awesome stuff from coming in.

Easy.


Meanwhile on the musical landscape, this little gem has joyously been swimming around my head for the past week.  If everyone has a theme song and I think they do, this one is mine...for this month anyway.

Left of Centre - Suzanne Vega

Labels: cleaning up, left of centre wondering about you, metaphor, music, musical monday, organising, thinking

posted by M at 12:58 am 7 comments

In my younger years I spent a lot of time obsessively organising genre lists, composer lists and playlists in my iTunes folders.  However over the last 4 or so years my priorities have been only on a seemingly simple task of keeping my head above water.  Simple, yes, but all consuming too.  Things like playlists (and having a life) were low on my list of priorities and it's only now in the last couple of months that I have looked at compiling lists of any kind again.  It's a daunting task.  Music is an important part of my life.  In many ways music is the family I never had, the friend that gives advice and the hero that always comes along to save me when all hope is lost.  When people weren't there to pick up the pieces music always was and when I wasn't there for myself it was music that kept me sane.  Now, due to neglect in many areas of my life, my music is tangled up like a frustrating messy, knotted ball of string... and yes, I've only just noticed.  Since I can rarely find any song I want on command anymore I now tend to put the music on shuffle and pray that the Gods send me the music I need in order to feed those parts of my soul that need nurturing at that time.  I listen to my iPod most days, so I have a lot of music that shuffles in and out of my head through those ear buds.

Now I'm not going to lie, The iPod Oracle does unfortunately tend to think I need to listen a lot of Leo Sayer (downloaded in a moment of weakness folk), not to mention the audio of the trashy novel I downloaded and now can't get away from, but apart from that it's been scarily accurate in providing me the songs I need in order to keep going. Lately this song keeps popping up in random shuffles and randomly came up in conversation the other day too.





I've already written a post about Smashing Pumpkins and so I won't reiterate my sentiments but this song... Landslide, is a special one.  I was saving it for a future post about my all time favourite musical covers but today it must stand alone.  It's a special tune when the cover is better than the original (gasp!)

Thanks for the message oh Gods of the Universe, oh Billy Pumpkin, oh iPod oracle, oh Stevie Nicks and whomever and whatever else is involved.

I don't quite know how to turn the message into positive action but for now I'm listening.

Labels: change, message, music, musical monday, old, oracle, psychos, struggle

posted by M at 12:14 am 6 comments

Last week the seriousness of staff meeting was gloriously punctured by this:


...oops, someone forgot to turn their phone to silent.

One of my younger colleagues leans over towards me and makes a derogatory comment while laughing at the 'euro-trash' beat.   Whoa, whoaaa.  That's New Order he was dissing.  How?  I can't even imagine a world where New Order is less than the absolute pinnacle of cool.  Apparently it turns out I am crusty, old and out of touch with the musical tastes of the under 25s.  Folk if you aren't sitting down yet please do so because I have bad news to break to you; apparently New Order is no longer cool.  Someone please alert the 1980s.  I'm absolutely devo.

I think like most people my age I stumbled onto New Order in 1988 when Blue Monday was re-released.  It may be hard to be believe but to my fluoro short sporting, "Hang Ten" t-shirt (yes...) wearing, rolled down socks rocking self you'd think I was already too cool to listen to such manner of synthpop from a band from "En-ger-land" but no, apart from Michael Jackson's Thriller, Blue Monday was probably the coolest thing I'd ever heard.  Looking back, it was the coolest thing any of us in Mrs H's Grade 5 class of '88 had heard to be honest.  Now I much prefer the original track (duh) but back then BM '88 was a new sound to ears that had until that point been mostly attuned to bubblegum pop popularised by Australian soap opera star pseudo-musicians.

Of course Blue Monday wasn't even a new sound in 1988, it was already a 5 year old living, breathing child by that stage; New Order had already acquired The Haçienda, bridged the gap between dance, Post Punk/New Wave and well and truly etched a path into musical history.  I never knew any of this. I was 10 in 1988 and my biggest mission in life was to learn how to use the hair crimper without burning a hole in my forehead.  How was I to know that by the time I was 20 I'd be pressing my face against the bus window listening to Joy Division and New Order on repeat on my Walkman while on the way to change the world one film studies tutorial at a time?

It's hard to articulate what it is about New Order that is special and it seems reductive to say that they 'just are brilliant' (it's not even true, some of their songs are shite) but sometimes words are an inadequate medium to describe a truth that you feel somewhere deep inside.  Isn't that why we listen to music in the first place?  Doesn't it fill in those spaces we can't quite express through words?  How can you articulate the perfect strum of a guitar?  How can you describe the moment when you listen to a song and feel yourself completely disappear in to the vibration?  How can I do this justice?  I can't.

My favourite of theirs is Ceremony. There is still some conjecture in my own mind as to whether this is still officially a Joy Division track or whether it was truly New Order.  It's officially touted as New Order's debut track but with lyrics written by Joy Division's frontman Ian Curtis and originally recorded with his vocals before he tragically took his own life.   It seems the perfect mixed up choice - a sad goodbye to Ian Curtis and hopeful hello to a new kind of music that ended up changing the world.

It is by no means the only song of New Order that I love and I've posted it before on this blog but many years ago now when I made a list of my top 100 songs of all time this was #1.  Right now, it's midnight on a terrifyingly windy night in old Melbourne town.  I'm on my 10th listen.  Indulge me while I fill in the spaces I can't quite articulate as I go for 11.

Ceremony - New Order

Labels: childhood, defining moments in musical history, music, musical monday

posted by M at 12:11 am 8 comments

I was supposed to be doing some work on the weekend but somehow ended up at the movies instead.  Movies are the vice I always give in to, even if there is a lot of other stuff that needs to be done.  The movie we saw was The Way Way Back - a vacation story about a blended family who takes a trip to the beach for the summer.  But really, this Duncan's story, an awkward 14 year old who is dealing with being bullied by his Mum's smarmy new boyfriend and trying to find connection in a world where he feels so isolated.  I suppose this is a typical teenage story.  Didn't we all feel like that at some stage?

To say this movie struck a chord with me would be underplaying it a bit.  I didn't particularly identify with Duncan but I understood him and he gave me something that I just love getting when I go to the movies; a realisation.

The first scene of the movie is the car trip.  A conversation between Duncan and his Mother's boyfriend Trent breaks the silence leading Trent to question Duncan about what score he would give himself out of 10.  When Duncan reluctantly gives himself a 6, Trent gleefully tells him he's a 3.   This is not a good beginning for Duncan.  He's 14.  His mother is going out with an arsehole. He has absolutely no power, no friends, no life and nothing to look forward to. He feels unwanted, alone, awkward and lonely but something incredible happened to Duncan on his summer vacation: He bloomed.

I like to think that everyone has a blooming moment.  Perhaps yours happened at 14 and aren't you lucky that it happened so early if it did?  Maybe your bloom happened as a senior in High School or after you left and got a job.  Perhaps it was meeting the love of your life that did it.  Maybe it was getting your license or going overseas or doing Tough Mudder.  I don't know - I guess there are no rules to this kind of stuff.   A time to every purpose...

Duncan's "time" happened on summer vacation while holidaying with a family whom he felt didn't want him.  One day, while at a cafe Duncan randomly connects with the eccentric and immature water park owner Owen, who offers Duncan a job for the summer.  Duncan is excited by the prospect of spending time away from his family and accepts immediately.  At the water park Duncan finds himself.  The mavericks who work there - whom you can also imagine may have at one time felt as Duncan does - accept him totally as one of them and Duncan responds in the only way that someone completely accepted can and that is, he becomes his true self.

Maslow had a theory of self-actualisation that somehow fits into this story.  Although the threory was widely contested in the psychological community I still love to this day.  There is something so Earthy and real about it.  It feels real and that's enough for me.  Basically, in order to be self-actualised there is a hierarchy of needs that must be met.  The needs are graduated like a pyramid each step moving away from the physical and basic and into the spiritual and emotional (from food, shelter to love, confidence and belonging).  It isn't until all your needs are met that you can be self-actualised.  I think sometimes people confuse self-actualisation with success.  You can be a 'success' and 'functional' and 'loving' and still not be self-actualised and I suppose if that's how you see self-actualisation the hierarchy of needs really doesn't make sense.  IMO Self-actualisation is a state of mind, a meaningfulness one finds in life that goes beyond the material and into the soul.  Successful and loving people don't necessarily have those qualities (though, they might) and maybe self-actualised people don't necessarily meed success as a material form either.   Do I think you can skip steps and still reach the top though?  Perhaps..

I was reminded of Maslow's hierarchy of needs while watching The Way Way Back.  Duncan had the basic needs but not the emotional ones.  At the water park he found a sense of belonging and connection among people who accepted and embraced him.  He let go.  He bloomed.  He stepped up.  He defied Trent's assertion that he was a "3".

I realised that apart from our basic needs there are a couple of things that might help us to become the best person we can be:

1) A place (no matter how insignificant) where we can be completely ourselves and accepted for who we are by other people.
2) A champion who will stand up for us when we can't stand up for ourselves.

Duncan's family saw him as a 3.  In their stifling presence he was awkward, shy, weird and moody but that's not who he really was.  At the water park, with Owen championing him, he became a 10.  He found his champion and his special place and he left that sleepy summer town behind not a better person (as that would suggest he needed 'bettering') but a person who was allowed to bloom, finally.  It was his time.

I guess I've been struggling with being seen as a 3, seeing myself this way too.  I hold out hope for a champion and a place to bloom and moving up that pyramid - don't we all?


Although it's not quite Monday anymore, this one organically came up out of this post and so it must be its time.  I love this brand of 60s folk rock and whenever I play this song it seems to always be the right song to play.  I guess that Old Testament is not all fury and hell after all.

Turn, Turn, Turn - The Byrds

Labels: 60s, cinema, film, friends, life, life and art, movies, music, musical monday, musings, self help, theory, thoughts, time, wonderings

posted by M at 1:32 am 6 comments

Sometimes a song gets stuck in your head, you know how it is.  This one has been swanning around in there for about a week now and I'm not sure why.  I *know* I didn't hear it anywhere because, quite frankly this song is nowhere to be heard.  It just appeared one day like a disembodied birdie voice singing in my ear and has been nesting there ever since.  Perhaps it's the catchy la la la and the lullaby quality of the tune but I played it until I fell asleep last night and it worked a treat.  I've needed a lullaby lately.

I know next to nothing about Cibo Matto.  I've come across a few of their songs but none I like so much as Sugar Water.  I never, never, never play it only once.  Never.  I first came upon it accidentally when seeing the video clip on Rage TV and loved it at first glance.  Love does happen at first sight... well in the music world anyway - even if it is your ears doing the viewing (though I suppose the line is blurred with video clips these days).  I can't think of anything I dislike about the song - even the slightly ESLness of the lyrics is a joy.  The lyric A woman in the Moon is singing to the Earth promotes very evocative imagery to me and after hearing the song I'm often left wondering why or who or what that is and why indeed Cibo Matto have taken the pains to include that particular line in there.

One of my favourite things about the song is the video clip and I was remiss not to include it in my favourite video clips of all time post because it truly is one of my favourites.  I would have seen the clip dozens of times but I still can't quite figure it out in my head.  It's supposed to be a bit surreal, I get that much but things get hazy with the mailing of the letter and the writing on the window.

Come to think of it I probably like not knowing.  Some riddles don't need to be figured out.


Sugar Water - Cibo Matto

Labels: music, musical monday, musings, pop culture, wonderings

posted by M at 11:12 pm 1 comments

I'm a tourist when it comes to Alice in Chains.  I don't often seek them out but over the years I found myself accidentally encountering them on soundtracks, in clubs, on  the radio, while watching video clips etc. until I couldn't help but deny the obvious fact: They are brilliant. I can't help but be mesmerised by them.  Layne Staley has a voice to be believed.  I am a fan of screamers who can actually sing (Chris Cornell, Kat Bjelland etc.) and Layne was one of the best.

Alice in Chains definitely had a 'heavy' sound but there was something also very contemplative or melancholic in the strum of the string and the build up in many of their songs.  You can almost meditate to Rooster, for instance.

One of my favourite songs of theirs is also one of their best known: Would.

When I was a teen it was played on "alternative" radio and I can't remember loving it at first listen.  The song is a slow burn, or perhaps it was for me.  It took a while to love and by the time I did I couldn't imagine not ever loving it.  In fact, now can't imagine my personal musical history without this song in it. By the time we turned 18 and the friendship group graduated to going to pubs it always seemed to be the song that got everyone up on the dance floor.  I suppose this is indicative of the types of places we frequented (ie: dives) - grungy places where bands played and the music was so loud that you couldn't hear yourself think.  Let me make this clear; Would is NOT the kind of song one dances to but somehow we managed to. I listen to it now and wonder how we even moved to it.  I guess we were shitfaced and loved singing along while getting even more shitfaced.  I have a lot of very good memories with this song as the sole soundtrack.  It makes me smile to think of the mischief we all got up to.

What is it about this song?  I don't think I can quite articulate how the vocals bury somewhere in my sternum when I listen to it; hitting somewhere primal and deep.  Where does that voice come from?  Not this world I don't think. I'd put it in my top 100 songs of all time.

Would - Alice in Chains

Labels: grunge, loud, memories, memory, music, musical monday

posted by M at 10:37 pm 6 comments

I was going to do a music post that was me pressing shuffle and posting the first 5 songs that came up for laugh, but then I realised that it really wasn't going to work (for me).  There's only so many times that The Pina Colada song can come up before you are shamed to paralysis.  Okay I just admitted it, shame on me.

Anyway, the first song that came up was:

It's Not My Place (In The 9 to 5 World) - The Ramones



...which was a funny coincidence because I had *just* been thinking about how I'm one of those people that aren't built for the 9 to 5 workplace.  One could argue that teaching with all the holidays one gets and the fact that the kids leave at 3.30pm that it really isn't a 9 to 5 work place but if you are suggesting that it's somehow easier than working a regular office work shift then I'd invite you to come say that to my face.  We'd have... "words".   It's worse. Way worse.

Anyway, I like it when the ipod randomly acts like a personal psychic and quite frankly I find it often does.  In fact music often gives me exactly what I need when I need it, unfortunately more so than people ever have (or will?).

I was thinking though, that it really isn't my place to be in the rat race.  I'm not motivated by working up the rungs of the ladder.  I'm  not excited by extra challenges in the work I do.  I don't really want any extra money.  I don't want to work long hours.  I don't even want to work 5 days a week!  When us teachers went on the recent strike part of our strike conditions were to work a 38 hour week.  We didn't write reports.  We didn't have extra parent meetings.  We didn't have extra staff meetings.  Of course we STILL put in more than the 38 hour work week that we are supposedly paid a pittance for but we certainly did less.  When the discussions came up to go 'get back to normal' and get the shitty pay rise my hackles went up.  I would much rather work less.  I was happier not writing reports.  I was happier not having to "volunteer" to come in on my weekend to do unpaid extra.  I was more than happy to pack my bag at a reasonable hour and just leave.  I was happier just teaching and enjoying my grade than doing all the extra bullshit that goes along with teaching.

A single girl such as I has got to pay the bills.
It's not my place in the 9 to 5 world.
It's just not.
So what do I do?

Labels: 70s, music, musical monday, punk, ramones, rant, stressed teachers, teaching, work

posted by M at 8:16 pm 4 comments

I can't remember the first video clip I ever saw.

Labels: defining moments in musical history, memories, music, musical monday

posted by M at 1:18 pm 11 comments

bro - Def Leopard is better than Led Zeppelin.
me: What the fuck? Are you shitting me?
bro - I am being completely serious. Def Leopard is a better band any day.
me: You are seriously on drugs. That is the most fucked up think you've ever said. "Pour some Sugar on Me" Versus "Dazed and Confused". ummmm... no contest.
bro - no. They're just better. End of fucking story.
me: YOU ARE A BOGAN! That is completely ridiculous. Are you saying that "Rocket..yeahhhhh" changed musical history like "Stairway" did? Come on. You're making me angry. I just don't get it. I DON'T UNDERSTAND how you can say something like that! You're wrong. It's wrong!
bro - they're a better band. It's a simple fact.
me: It's not a fact. You're an idiot: That's a fact!
[Thoughts?]

#2 - I have to tell you what my friends gave to each other for their wedding. They had this bit in the ceremony where the bride and groom exchanged presents.
me: aww..very sweet.
#2 - ...yeah, sort of. He's obsessed with car racing so she got him this wall hanging that's actually 3D of a racing car.
me: oooh kay, if that rocks his boat
#2 - At home the bride has is one of those people that has about a million stuffed toys on her bed.
me: oh my god, those people scare me
#2 - Exactly, so for her present he got her a 7 foot tall teddy bear. Like the ones you can buy in those flower shops at the hospital..but GIANT SIZED.
me: haha, oh shit. That would ruin the fuck out of any decor at home. I mean where do you keep it?
R - ...Hey, then did the husband grab a knife and slice the giant teddy in the stomach revealing all the other stuffed toys?
me: hahahaha, that is the best..Then the stuffed toys end up killing everyone at the wedding!!
R - Just like the horse of Troy.
me: *crying* I wish I was at that wedding!
[Now that is a wedding that someone needs to have!]

bro: if you could shoot any person down in that foot court which one would you choose?
me: *looking around and thinking*
me: *sees bloke pulling up his t-shirt to show the ladies his toned tummy*
me: oh my god...
bro: no, no, I know exactly who you are going to say but *I* want to kill him!
me: No way! He's mine. I get to kill him
bro: No way, he dies. I will use all my bullets on him.
me: I wanna do it! I want the honour!
bro: Let me!
[yes, we truly play this game in public]

fashion Cousin - C got back from her Honeymoon the other day and I was talking to her on the phone.
me: ohh how great! I love her. Did she have a wonderful time?
FC - yeah, I think so. She was talking more about her wedding though. She didn't want to be mean about it but she said "*A*, you know - I really don't get Australians sometimes"
me: haha, what? What happened?
FC - well apparently for her wedding she got some gifts that were completely inappropriate for a wedding and all of the weird ones came from Aussies.
me: oh lord, what did they give her?
FC - okay, well she said that this couple went in together and got her two Hankies. ...Just two... HANKIES.
me: WHAT THE HELL? That's ridiculous...Were they personally embroidered in gold? Were they rare materials? ..I don't ... Um... what?
FC - Exactly. C didn't understand how anyone would give something like that. Then she got this little box and guess what was in the little box?
me: voucher for a stay in a nice hotel in the city?
FC - One spoon and one knife.
me: *laughing uncontrollably* ... I don't understand. Was it solid silver and ...like a special server or some kind?
FC - no...just one normal dinner setting of ONE spoon and ONE knife. It came from two people. I don't understand.
me: Do people not know how weddings work. You give a gift of roughly the same value as the cost for your place at the table. It's manners. Everyone knows this. If you're povo, no one is going to care but if you can afford a new dress or shoes then you can afford to give a present to your friends on their wedding day!
FC - THANK YOU! I thought I was going crazy for a second.

[okay seriously, this is how I see it. If you are invited to a wedding you fork out for a nice present of roughly the same value as your place at the reception. If you are a couple it doesn't mean you get to flake out. Two places for dinner = putting in a little extra. Am I so far off the mark here?

E - After this trip, I've run out of excuses, girls. I'm going to have to... you know.
me: oh my god.
E - ..squeeze one out.
me: !!!
E - I know.
[..and you boys think we're trapping YOU into it!! pffffffft!]

E - Did you know there are 30% more single women in our age bracket than single men? I'm feeling the pinch.
me: what the hell are you talking about, you're MARRIED!
E - It's a sympathy pain.
[Am not sure if that works.]


Me: I went to see Mamma Mia the other day
bro - I can't believe you went to see that! You suck.
me: Yeah, it was Mamma Shitta.
bro - that didn't work.
me: meh...I tried.
[should it have been Mamma Merda?]

Here's one that is about as far away from ABBA, Led Zepp and Def Leopard as you can get. Just, I don't know what to say about it that would do it justice so let me just play it. I'm sure you know the song. It's incredible.

Just Like Honey - The Jesus and Mary Chain.

Labels: bro, defining moments in musical history, foreign weddings, friends, music, musical monday, quotegirl, singletons

posted by M at 10:25 pm 21 comments

The 'officially old' birthdays are coming strong and fast now. I've celebrated (and commiserated with) quite a few in the last month. It's meant that I've had to come out of my otherwise rather comfortable hibernation and socialise with people again. I have to be honest and say that I'm finding it really hard to do this. Hiding away has been like a little blanket keeping me warm in an otherwise bitter winter. Socialising is all too hard because I can't be bothered making small talk with people who, when sober, never think of catching up with me.

It's also been a time of ..emotional spring cleaning I suppose. I'm wondering with great curiosity who my real friends really are. Are they the people that pick you up? Are they the people that ring you out of the blue? Are they the people that think about you before they go to sleep? Are they just the people who invite you to their birthdays or the ones who add you on facebook?

Maybe there's a lot going on with everyone else but lately I find myself wondering what it (friendship) means, and who they are. Maybe the problem lies with me, I don't ask for a lot. I don't actually ever ask for anything. Nothing. I don't ask people to step out of their way for me at all and I haven't done so for many years now. And I'm fully willing to respect the fact that it's my own trust issues that are on display here, not anyone elses. Maybe I'm not a good friend. However, I have to say recently I did ask a few friends to do something for me and it was something minimal (to be present at a dinner) and well... it didn't happen (the reasons I won't go into but were petty). This is beginning to sound like a teenage girl's dear diary but I've been there for birthdays, engagements, weddings, births etc, often arriving and leaving alone (though I have a rather severe anxiety about doing so) and going to places where I really don't feel comfortable at all and 100% of the time with a present in hand to boot. I've been the person that has been woken up at 3am by a crying someone wanting comfort. I've been the person who has said yes I'll be your crutch in any situation. But the same hasn't really come back to me or ...for me. The whole situation has forced me to evaluate a lot of things and also to evaluate myself and where I stand in the world. It's been ...difficult - made more difficult by not being able to hibernate to the extend that I need to at the moment.

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest oh dear diary. Now I'm going to go write bad poetry and rim my eyes with black eyeliner.

Here's a song - a long time favourite that has helped me to swim a little in an otherwise drown-worthy situation. God knows that when the chips are down I can always turn to music. Always.



Maps - Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs.




(I was talking to someone the other night about the song Let's Dance to Joy Division by The Wombats. He was saying how much he liked it and I didn't really know that much about The Wombats but said that I loved Joy Division. He said that he thought JD were ohhhkaaay but hadn't really listened to much their stuff. I immediately made the loud proclamation that he was not allowed to like a song with such a title if he didn't have an extensive knowledge of Joy Division first. Am I being too harsh? I stand by my statement though I must also point out that I was a little tipsy (read: obnoxiously drunk and pissed off with the world and didn't really mean to take it out on the poor guy).

Labels: friends, music, musings, the mean reds, wonderings

posted by M at 11:47 pm 22 comments

*You know, I don't buy all this "we control the computers" crap. Every time I go look for a file I feel like I'm looking for the sock that went missing in the wash. I know I save stuff, it's just that it's never there when I go look for it. Many years of dealing with fax machines that endlessly beep and never actually send and photocopiers that always jam when I come near them and computers that plum don't work has led me to believe that the computers of the world are in a conspiracy against me. I have no idea why exactly they chose me to rage against but boy is it making my life a living hell.

* Won't somebody tell me why the young women of the world aspire to be pin ups in d-grade men's magazines? Did I miss the memo on smut being the new black because I'm struggling with the notion that a zoo magazine stripper lookalike is now the modern day equivalent of the Vargas girl? I always thought that being a men's magazine was something one fell into because they couldn't get a real modelling job but it seems that I was absolutely wrong on that one. There are girls who not only fancy the idea but outright aspire to be it! I don't get it. It's like the 13 year olds you see on Jenny Jones who turn tricks in the playground for a 50 bucks, want nothing more to be on the cover of playboy and end up in a made for TV boot camp segment with Major Moses screaming into their faces. When did girls stop wanting to be doctors and prime minister and take up with the smut instead? I find it all extremely disturbing - sorry if you think it's okay for women to degrade themselves by posing for Zoo, but I don't think that good money is a worthwhile compensation for degredation. That's just my view on the subject. I realise that not all people see it as degrading but I do.

* I seriously heard someone say this today "racism didn't exist back when I was a kid. Australia has never had any racism. The aboriginals weren't discriminated against. Sure, we had our jokes but they thought it was funny too!". DUDE what the FUCK? I couldn't believe it. Talk about living on a completely different planet! It was a big eye opener to me that people actually thought like that. Then I came home and turned on Big Brother and saw a similar type conversation on there about the stolen generation and dole checks (and the Aboriginals) and I realised that my theory about life inside the BB house being plenty representative of our culture is true. The problem is that we've got our heads too far up our own arses to actually admit it. Yes folks apparently we really are that shit.

* Why do Madonna and Justin only have 4 minutes to save the world? I like the song and all and God knows it's been in my head for the PAST MONTH but ...the whole song is so random. If I could pick a female superhero then Madonna would probably be it, don't you worry, but I still find the whole concept of the song weird and annoying to be perfectly honest. Has it ever been explained? Why 4 minutes? Should I be consulting the lyrics for further analysis? Is she really going to become a superhero? I hope so. Special powers: crushing people with her power thighs. Girlfriend is BUFF. Will Justin be her sidekick?

Labels: crap reality tele, music, rant

posted by M at 2:37 am 6 comments

Stuff I'm just loving right now.

Innovative Internets:

Wainy Days

(That link takes you straight to the site mydamnchannel which has all the episodes - is better quality than below - YouTube version)



This is a new internet channel show (actually it's been around for a while) created by the masterful and hilarious David Wain (whom I am going to go on record right now as LOVING and wanting to have his babies). The show takes a look at the dating dos and do nots of a perpetually single guy in his late 30s living in NYC. So far there are 20 episodes of completely inappropriate humour that often goes way too far and answers the eternal question: So THAT'S what they're really thinking. Okay, not really but it's HILARIOUS. Love how all the friends work in a sweat shop. What's with that?

Many special guest stars - mostly from old projects like The State, Stella and Wet Hot American Summer.

I love this show so much it hurts <3<3<3

(If you're over at MyDamnChannel I also highly recommend the soap opera spoof "Horrible People" and "You Suck at Photoshop" which are both also HILARIOUS!)


US Cable TV

Dexter.

This one is old news but for those who have not been initiated yet Dexter is the nicest sociopathic serial killer you could ever hope to meet. He's on the Miami Police Force payroll as a blood splatter expert and he only kills people who really deserve it. Honest. No one has a clue that he's a serial killer...well not yet anyway. His adopted father (a cop) taught him how to cover his tracks and Dexter has been following his golden rules to great success so far. The problem is that his sister's also on the force and she's getting a little too close for comfort...

A must see, definitely one of the best shows coming out of the US.


Superficial TV

Greek

Only a few people are really going to appreciate this one but I'm putting it out there anyway. Take one big Geek from high school and put him in college (sounding a little like Undeclared so far eh?) where his geekiness shines on like a crazy diamond. The problem is that his sister is the most popular girl on campus - uh oh. Bro comes along and makes friends with his sister's secret ex boyfriend who is not exactly the kind of clean cut all American boy that sis wants to be associated with anymore. Things start to get a little complicated for all concerned when it turns out that sis still has a thing for the bad boy ...which is probably not a good idea, since she's going out with Mr Big Man on Campus.

Seriously much less superficial than I've made it sound. No really it is. Okay not that much less superficial, but still good tele.

The lead guy is also in the show "Quarterlife", which started out like Wainy Days, as an internet short. It centers around a 20-something girl who blogs all day about her friends and housemates. Unfortunately they all discover her blog and she has to explain herself.

Reality TV

Project Runway.

I have been loving this show for years now. It never gets old. Take a bunch of struggling fashion designers and give them horrendously early deadlines by which to finish major pieces of fashion extravaganza that are challenging to make (ie: using only materials from the Hersey's chocolate store??). Then they all parade their models down the catwalk and the worst outfit is eliminated with a swift auf Wiedersehen from host; Heidi Klum. Brilliant and engaging reality TV! The contestants are amazingly talented people with a desire to succeed. The prize is a show at New York Fashion week and money to start your own business. As someone related to a fashion designer I know how difficult this industry is. The real star of the show however is Tim Gunn who is the contestant's mentor and father figure.

"Make it work!" <3


Retro Love

You know how back in the old days you'd make a mix tape for the people you love? Do you feel that a mix CD is a bit ...I dunno; sterile? Do you actually know anyone who still plays tapes with any kind of regularity?

I love me a mix tape and here you have all the joy of a mix tape without the fuss of actually dealing with rewinding and fast forwarding through the songs you hate (for youngies...yes that's what we used to do back in the old days). It's a USB stick of around 60minutes of playing time that fits nicely into the tape for packaging purposes. You get to scribble all over the liner card and the gift recipient gets to keep a lovely keepsake while still enjoying the convenience of plugging that sucker into the laptop and downloading all those songs onto his/her ipod. Seriously, cool AND filled with squishy retro love.

Oz TV

Underbelly

click link to go to a video news story about the show and murders

All this killing and stuff went right on in my backyard (so to speak). Makes ya proud don't it? Yeah, okay maybe not. Carl Williams is apparently unhappy with his portrayal on the show. Christ, beggars can't be choosers mate.

Oz Blog

The Breakfast Blog

Right now he's in Boston so it's all a bit pointless and boring, but once he gets back to Melbourne it'll be full steam ahead for The Breakfast Blog. The thing I love about this site, besides the fact that it details one of my favourite things (a good breakie ...that I don't have to cook) the site is remarkably easy to navigate and just all round informative. It gives you details on the price (with the nifty price index tag), tells you where the place is, indexes in alphabetical order, location AND by top scores. I love it. I use it. It's brilliant and Jamie is rarely wrong. The man knows a good breakfast!

Bless!

Games:

Scrabulous

I know I should somehow feel ashamed but actually I don't. I am, for the record the world's WORST scrabble player. I did not grow up playing scrabble on Sunday evenings and drinking chocolate milk while my parents played footsies with each other under the coffee table while listening to Tapestry on the record player. Sorry, you must have be mixed up with the Keatons or the Seavers. I think I must be trying to relive the youth I never had or something because I'm totally into the scrabble revival!

Yes, I totally look up words online and cheat. pfcha! Course!

Magazines

Nylon. It's quirky, it's Rock N Roll, it's totally fashion oriented but in a completely approachable way (finally!). It's just fun. It doesn't feel like it's only for girls though I suppose girls mostly read it. It's a little on the expensive side though.

There is an Australian magazine which I love just as much: Frankie - and REALLY love the fact that it comes with a rip out poster that I always put aside and use as wrapping paper. I like a mag that provides a little something extra.

Poster - dude, because Ro edits it and because it's swish and glam and makes me wish I was about a million times more stylish than I actually am. It's art, fashion, it's a city scape all in one - it's not your usual kind of magazine. This one is seriously going to go places. It already has in fact. <3

Book

Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics - Sasha Cagen

Reading To-Do List recently made me go back and re-read this old gem which Cagen wrote first. I'm more convinced now than ever that I'm a bona fide quirkyalone. It's a manifesto for all those eternally single people - not just girls mind you. Read the essay here. It explains a lot.





Movie

The King Of Kong

I recently went to see this little documentary for a laugh but I became so emotionally involved that I almost scared myself. In fact the whole cinema was booing and cheering a long with it - unheard of in Melbourne!

If you go see one thing at the cinema this year make it this movie - go RIGHT NOW. You will not regret it - you can not make this stuff up. This is a documentary about playing the arcade game Donkey Kong - remember that one? Anyone who was a kid in the 80s would remember the game, it's a classic. This documentary shows the seedy underbelly of video gaming - a side of gaming that is run by manipulation, threat and a man frightened of losing his world record score to a newcomer.

It's so very good. <3<3


And there you have the stuff I'm loving right now.

What are you loving? Share!

Labels: love, media, music, pop culture, stuff, TV, weird things

posted by M at 10:56 pm 17 comments