[Miscellany]

When summer break began so did my spiral into delinquency.   I've become a serial graffitist; I graffiti comics on the walls of public restrooms.  I've been posting my scribblings on my IG account and by all accounts it's the first time in a long while that I've felt truly excited and inspired by something I've created.

I told MVOR about my new project after reminiscing about an old book I read as a teenager.   The book; Displaced Person by Lee Harding is the story about a boy who slowly started losing grip with reality to the point where he completely disappears from view and ceases to exist to all the people that once knew him in his life.  At first he finds it hard to get people's attention, then his parents start ignoring him and soon he slips through a crack in reality to find himself in a grey world where he can't engage at all with the life he once knew and wondering whether he was going mad or if this was some cruel joke being played on him by God.

MVOR was interested in the tale I told and immediately drew parallels between by own life of feeling invisible, undervalued and insignificant and the life of this fictional boy who was going through a displacement.

Then I told her about the graffiti.

Surprisingly, MVOR applauded me on this.  I was expecting her to question my reasons for doing so and to caution me against defacing public property but she didn't.  She laughed; of course you are doing this!  You are putting your hand up in the only way you know how.  You are making your mark.  You are asking people to see you, to notice you, to understand you.  You are reaching out and leaving a legacy.  You are validating yourself as a person worthy of being noticed.

Oh... well.  In that case...

Labels: art, displaced, life and art, MVOR, psychos, thinking

posted by M at 3:47 am 5 comments

Sometimes my conversations with MVOR are inconsequential, they float away into the atmosphere as soon as I leave the comfort of that cosy little room.  Other times the conversation has stayed with me dancing on my shoulder and poking me with a pitchfork like a little devil so I never forget.

The Archetypes conversation we had last week has lingered around me and refusing to leave.

Like all our conversations, this started somewhere rather remote and eventually meandered in that same way it usually does, past the inadequacies of my upbringing and taking a right through my lack of self esteem and stumbling somewhere near the babbling brook of discontent until we reached the fairytale discussion.

If you think about it, we are all in our consciousness and at the very core a collection of archetypes.  That is how our point of reference for ourselves and the way in which we size up and identify each other.  Every story has its wicked witch, its naive traveler, a caregiver, a Prince.  There are those that look one way and act another like our friend The Beast and there are those that without doubt are exactly who they appear to be, like Snow White.  Love it or hate it archetypes are important to us.  How else would you know what I meant by Perfect Mother unless you already had an idea in your mind of what that would entail?  Even if your own Mother wasn't perfect at all, you would still have a projected ideal in your mind of what she should have been.

The fairytale discussion began with an unflattering description of someone in my life as the wicked witch from Hansel and Gretel.  MVOR agreed that this sounded consistent with my observations about her in previous discussions and so if that was true when who was I?

As the leading lady in my own sorrowful story you'd think that this would be an easy question to answer but I couldn't reconcile myself as a Red Riding Hood, Snow White or Belle.  There is no heroine for me to project forward.  MVOR heard my silence, as she often does... and in her perceptive way eventually prompted;  I thought that would be obvious.  Aren't you Cinderella?  She gave a multitude of good reasons why I should be.

I considered it for a long while but ultimately had to disagree.

I couldn't be Cinderella because Cinderella, like all leading heroines, is a character laden with hope and possibility.  You go into reading her story knowing that she will prevail.  Despite her lowly and doomed status as a servant to her Stepmother and horrid Stepsisters, success is still a certainty for her, like it is for all heroines.  I can't say that anything is a positive certainty for me.  The jury is still out on whether I will turn these lemons into lemonade or even if I will manage to maintain this exhausting balancing act of my life that can at best be described as a "status quo".  No, though I may indeed be in the soot and cinders, sleeping with the outcasts and edging my way along the fringes like our old friend Cinderella I'm not quite as entitled as she to a happy ending.  Who is to say I am?  What's the guarantee?  Not everyone ends up with love, family, money, security, health or self actualisation.  In fact, not even having one of them is a certainty.

MVOR explained that our archetypes and internal schemas are part of the image we have of ourselves and that which we project outwards.  Is it indeed a self fulfilling prophesy to see oneself in a certain light and to project that outwards, therefore inviting others to see us thus?  And so what do you do if your internal archetype is not positive or constructive?  Well this is a question for the ages.  I'm told it can change with a lot of perseverance and adjustments to our internal narrative.

So if my archetypal fairytale character is not Cindy, then what do you suppose I said?
----

I bought an album the other day for the first time in a loooooong time.  I don't tend to buy albums anymore.  I buy songs. I suppose we all do that now.  But this one... this one I bought.  I seem to be listening to this song a lot.  It takes me somewhere otherworldly.  Exactly what I need.

Pontoon - Emma Louise

Labels: archtypes, fairytales, music, musical monday, musings, MVOR, questions, schemas, thinking, thoughts

posted by M at 11:52 pm 10 comments

I spent a long time this weekend organising my teacher resources.  I have literally thousands of dollars worth of literature and resources that just sits there taking up space and gathering dust.  Anyway after many frustrating hours of putting bits of paper into plastic pockets and then into folders the room is looking a lot neater.  I sat back tonight and surveyed my efforts and waiting for the feeling of satisfaction and euphoria to overtake me as you'd expect it would after a big clean up moment like this, but that feeling never came.  As a matter of fact I don't feel any sense of satisfaction in my clean up of the room at all.  Despite two Ikea bags full of of things I've thrown out and 2 bags I've redirect to other areas of the house I feel like the room is still frustratingly exactly as it was.

I've rearranged, I've thrown out the excess rubbish and clutter but I haven't really sorted through my shit.  Do I truly need that folder full of activities about healthy eating from 2005 that I inherited from another teacher and have never used?  Why should I keep that book about using computer activities with Grade 2-6 that I haven't opened?  For that matter should I keep any of the books whose spine still isn't even cracked?  Why do I need any of those things and why do I have them in the first place?  If I had to be objective I could probably fit all the things I need onto one shelf.  Instead I have 2, plus the 2 at school, plus the 7 car loads in storage...and more.

I seem to do this every time I attempt to clean.  I sort through my things, make it all look neat and never really evaluate or get rid of the things I really need to.  The excess history I've accumulated on these shelves of mine that I've refused to throw out have created blockage for the potential of new things coming in.  I can't fit anything else in if I don't get rid of the stale stuff that is there.  Sure, I can create a more efficient filing system or invest in a larger space, deeper shelves and generally manage the resources I have more effectively but that's not what I really want to do.

What I really want to do is preserve the essential pieces of my past that I can't move forward without and get rid of all the excess shit that clogs all that awesome stuff from coming in.

Easy.


Meanwhile on the musical landscape, this little gem has joyously been swimming around my head for the past week.  If everyone has a theme song and I think they do, this one is mine...for this month anyway.

Left of Centre - Suzanne Vega

Labels: cleaning up, left of centre wondering about you, metaphor, music, musical monday, organising, thinking

posted by M at 12:58 am 7 comments

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what the purpose of it is.

I wonder a lot if I should be locking it up and keeping it as a place to spew private and seedy bile only.  I toy with deleting all the non-musical posts and keeping it specific and I ponder living a life alongside a blog that has an identity such as "cooking blog" or "teacher tips".  Sometimes I have an overwhelming urge to just throw the address out to everyone I know and let them all feast upon me and then I wonder why I don't?

Clearly this is a public space - and yet it's so unbelievably private at the same time.  There are posts that are more private than others, of course, but some people (you) get to read them all - private or not they are there for you to read.  I've made the choice for them to be there.  So what am I hiding from those in my everyday life exactly?  What aspect of myself am I protecting by not being open?

This notion of private and public in the online world is very interesting to me - and not just because I'm questioning my role in it.  There are things that people who happen across this blog know about me that no one else knows and there are things that you will never know because they are part of my public profile (avatar? and now it is complete, the avatar is not only online).  I'm not sure which is more real, but often I think it's this person here - the one clicking at the keys right now... but perhaps not.  Maybe it's the person that attends parent/teacher meetings and lends a listening ear to a friend in need?  I especially wonder about my need to be noticed versus my need to feel private and protected and how that affects this public/private dichotomy of my identity.  I wonder if everyone or anyone else in the blog world feels like this too or if it's just me.

If I threw open the doors of this blog then what would it become?  Would it change?  Would I?  And is that a good thing?

Is your blog truly public?
How's that treating you?

Labels: blogs, friends, internet as village community, musings, Now I'm writing a blog post about it. Bizarre., private, public, questions, secrets, thinking, thoughts, wonderings, writing

posted by M at 11:07 pm 14 comments

Last night a friend asked me "if you had all the money in the world and all the things you were worried about were taken care of, what would you want to do with your life?".

I couldn't answer.
I had no idea.
I could hardly believe that I couldn't answer the question.

I have thought about this question a lot over my life.  We all have, haven't we?  If you won lotto and didn't have to worry about paying off the credit cards/mortgage/having to work at your job then what would you do?

The only thing I knew for certain was that I didn't want to answer to alarm clocks and or spend my time performing for a boss but didn't know exactly what kind of job that would be.  I knew I didn't want to work 5 days a week.  I knew I wanted to do something creative - but I couldn't pin point what form that creativity would take.  I knew I wanted to be happy but didn't know what would make me happy.

Talk about vague.

How much of a loser am I that I don't even know what I really want out of life?
I suppose people who know what they want have a better chance of getting it than people who have no fucking idea.

So much for my "I know" phase.

Are you specific about what you want out of life or like me do you wade the murky waters of vague possibilities?

Labels: knowing, oh I don't know, questions, thinking, vague, vox pop, wonderings

posted by M at 6:02 pm 12 comments

I got called out on being the 'I know' girl the other day.  It's my go-to phrase: "I know".

I have this ability you see, and always have of just knowing things to be true.  I know if someone is going to be a right shit, even before I've met them properly.  I know and understand people's feelings often before they even realise them.  Sometimes I know how things will turn out.   I understand other people's emotional dramas.  I understand concepts, often before people even explain them fully (not maths *shudder*).  I guess I'm just perceptive.

I. Just. Know.

That is, to qualify this further, I am good at knowing things on an intellectual level.  I comprehend ideas and people very well.  It makes me a wonderful friend to have in your pocket.  I understand.  Yes truly I do.  When I was called out the other night on being the "I know girl" it was because I know nothing spiritually speaking.  I'm not talking about Jesus.  I mean as a base emotional knowing, I know nothing.

I guess that means that while I can be reflective, understanding, articulate and perceptive it rarely clicks over into a level so deep that knowing something changes my life.  I know for instance that I must live an authentic life, that is to honour my dreams, wishes and completely accept myself as I am.  However, despite knowing this, talking the talk and trying like buggery to live this way and thinking that I'm doing it right I'm still not.  I may even physically do things the exact same way as somebody else but still end up with a very different and unwanted outcome.  One can go to a million classes, a thousand doctors and many a positive talk seminar with the best of intentions but unless you are really able to be open it's just not going to work.  You see, I know this but clearly I don't or else positive things would be happening.

I've discovered that it's very hard for me to separate intellect from emotion.  I can think myself into or out of anything.  I am good at thinking.  I am a thinker and an philosopher.  I am also quite good at following instructions.  These skills get you nowhere outside of the classroom.  I am shite at the important stuff - that is at letting knowledge marinate so deep that it imbibes every cell and becomes the life I lead.  It's apparently not something you can learn through instruction - I've tried.

I'm frustrated about it because I don't know how else to be.
I know that I don't know and I don't know how I'm supposed to get to know.

Labels: about me, knowing, musings, oh I don't know, philosophy, the fact that I can write this entry proves my point, thinking, thoughts, truth time, wonderings

posted by M at 11:52 pm 6 comments