Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Thinker

I got called out on being the 'I know' girl the other day.  It's my go-to phrase: "I know".

I have this ability you see, and always have of just knowing things to be true.  I know if someone is going to be a right shit, even before I've met them properly.  I know and understand people's feelings often before they even realise them.  Sometimes I know how things will turn out.   I understand other people's emotional dramas.  I understand concepts, often before people even explain them fully (not maths *shudder*).  I guess I'm just perceptive.

I. Just. Know.

That is, to qualify this further, I am good at knowing things on an intellectual level.  I comprehend ideas and people very well.  It makes me a wonderful friend to have in your pocket.  I understand.  Yes truly I do.  When I was called out the other night on being the "I know girl" it was because I know nothing spiritually speaking.  I'm not talking about Jesus.  I mean as a base emotional knowing, I know nothing.

I guess that means that while I can be reflective, understanding, articulate and perceptive it rarely clicks over into a level so deep that knowing something changes my life.  I know for instance that I must live an authentic life, that is to honour my dreams, wishes and completely accept myself as I am.  However, despite knowing this, talking the talk and trying like buggery to live this way and thinking that I'm doing it right I'm still not.  I may even physically do things the exact same way as somebody else but still end up with a very different and unwanted outcome.  One can go to a million classes, a thousand doctors and many a positive talk seminar with the best of intentions but unless you are really able to be open it's just not going to work.  You see, I know this but clearly I don't or else positive things would be happening.

I've discovered that it's very hard for me to separate intellect from emotion.  I can think myself into or out of anything.  I am good at thinking.  I am a thinker and an philosopher.  I am also quite good at following instructions.  These skills get you nowhere outside of the classroom.  I am shite at the important stuff - that is at letting knowledge marinate so deep that it imbibes every cell and becomes the life I lead.  It's apparently not something you can learn through instruction - I've tried.

I'm frustrated about it because I don't know how else to be.
I know that I don't know and I don't know how I'm supposed to get to know.

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