Sunday, July 20, 2008

the soul of a quotegirl was created below

bro - Def Leopard is better than Led Zeppelin.
me: What the fuck? Are you shitting me?
bro - I am being completely serious. Def Leopard is a better band any day.
me: You are seriously on drugs. That is the most fucked up think you've ever said. "Pour some Sugar on Me" Versus "Dazed and Confused". ummmm... no contest.
bro - no. They're just better. End of fucking story.
me: YOU ARE A BOGAN! That is completely ridiculous. Are you saying that "Rocket..yeahhhhh" changed musical history like "Stairway" did? Come on. You're making me angry. I just don't get it. I DON'T UNDERSTAND how you can say something like that! You're wrong. It's wrong!
bro - they're a better band. It's a simple fact.
me: It's not a fact. You're an idiot: That's a fact!

#2 - I have to tell you what my friends gave to each other for their wedding. They had this bit in the ceremony where the bride and groom exchanged presents.
me: aww..very sweet.
#2 - ...yeah, sort of. He's obsessed with car racing so she got him this wall hanging that's actually 3D of a racing car.
me: oooh kay, if that rocks his boat
#2 - At home the bride has is one of those people that has about a million stuffed toys on her bed.
me: oh my god, those people scare me
#2 - Exactly, so for her present he got her a 7 foot tall teddy bear. Like the ones you can buy in those flower shops at the hospital..but GIANT SIZED.
me: haha, oh shit. That would ruin the fuck out of any decor at home. I mean where do you keep it?
R - ...Hey, then did the husband grab a knife and slice the giant teddy in the stomach revealing all the other stuffed toys?
me: hahahaha, that is the best..Then the stuffed toys end up killing everyone at the wedding!!
R - Just like the horse of Troy.
me: *crying* I wish I was at that wedding!
[Now that is a wedding that someone needs to have!]

bro: if you could shoot any person down in that foot court which one would you choose?
me: *looking around and thinking*
me: *sees bloke pulling up his t-shirt to show the ladies his toned tummy*

me: oh my god...
bro: no, no, I know exactly who you are going to say but *I* want to kill him!
me: No way! He's mine. I get to kill him
bro: No way, he dies. I will use all my bullets on him.
me: I wanna do it! I want the honour!
bro: Let me!
[yes, we truly play this game in public]

fashion Cousin - C got back from her Honeymoon the other day and I was talking to her on the phone.
me: ohh how great! I love her. Did she have a wonderful time?
FC - yeah, I think so. She was talking more about her wedding though. She didn't want to be mean about it but she said "*A*, you know - I really don't get Australians sometimes"
me: haha, what? What happened?
FC - well apparently for her wedding she got some gifts that were completely inappropriate for a wedding and all of the weird ones came from Aussies.
me: oh lord, what did they give her?
FC - okay, well she said that this couple went in together and got her two Hankies. ...Just two... HANKIES.
me: WHAT THE HELL? That's ridiculous...Were they personally embroidered in gold? Were they rare materials? ..I don't ... Um... what?
FC - Exactly. C didn't understand how anyone would give something like that. Then she got this little box and guess what was in the little box?
me: voucher for a stay in a nice hotel in the city?
FC - One spoon and one knife.
me: *laughing uncontrollably* ... I don't understand. Was it solid silver and ...like a special server or some kind?
FC - no...just one normal dinner setting of ONE spoon and ONE knife. It came from two people. I don't understand.
me: Do people not know how weddings work. You give a gift of roughly the same value as the cost for your place at the table. It's manners. Everyone knows this. If you're povo, no one is going to care but if you can afford a new dress or shoes then you can afford to give a present to your friends on their wedding day!
FC - THANK YOU! I thought I was going crazy for a second.

[okay seriously, this is how I see it. If you are invited to a wedding you fork out for a nice present of roughly the same value as your place at the reception. If you are a couple it doesn't mean you get to flake out. Two places for dinner = putting in a little extra. Am I so far off the mark here?

E - After this trip, I've run out of excuses, girls. I'm going to have to... you know.
me: oh my god.
E - ..squeeze one out.
me: !!!
E - I know.
[..and you boys think we're trapping YOU into it!! pffffffft!]

E - Did you know there are 30% more single women in our age bracket than single men? I'm feeling the pinch.
me: what the hell are you talking about, you're MARRIED!
E - It's a sympathy pain.
[Am not sure if that works.]

Me: I went to see Mamma Mia the other day
bro - I can't believe you went to see that! You suck.
me: Yeah, it was Mamma Shitta.
bro - that didn't work.
me: meh...I tried.
[should it have been Mamma Merda?]

Here's one that is about as far away from ABBA, Led Zepp and Def Leopard as you can get. Just, I don't know what to say about it that would do it justice so let me just play it. I'm sure you know the song. It's incredible.

Just Like Honey - The Jesus and Mary Chain.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Brothers and Sistas.

Oh dear, so it seems that even the Reality Tele Gods could not save Big Brother Oz and the show has been axed! God knows what I'm going to do to occupy my time for three months out of every year from now on. Perhaps I will have to get a life or something. In its heyday it was an excellent show. Well, I loved it anyway. In recent years even *I* have to admit that the show has been rather abysmal (though I always manage to get a few blog posts out of it).

It's a bit of a weird reaction but I'm angry at the producers for not being able to get it right and keep it on the air. It's a bloody simple show: Put people in the house: watch the people in the house. It's not rocket science! The producers forgot the cardinal rule and that is - don't patronise your audience. By marketing to the tweens they assumed that they could get away with anything; including housemates that were rather plastic in look and personality. This effectively lost them viewers who actually cared about watching real-ish people in the house (because who wants to watch plastics?) and they were left with the tweens who are fickle and who lose interest quickly (and they did, of course).

Arguably the best part of Big Brother this year has been the show Big Mouth, which is a weekly talk show that had a panel of ex-housemates talking about the show. Simple concept + good panelists + time slot where they could talk about anything = great show. Meanwhile the house itself was suffering under over-production + too many gimmicks + housemates that are too young and dumb = craaaaap.

I'm really gonna miss bitching about all those housemates :(

In other news I went out for dinner the other night with #1 and F. It is the first time in literally TWO YEARS that we have been in the same room together without the children.

(from wiki)
Two years ago Italy won the World Cup.
Two years ago Mel Gibson was pulled up for drink driving and then let loose in an anti-semitic diatribe and called a lady-cop "sugar tits".
Two years ago Google bought You Tube
Two years ago Windows Vista was released
Two years ago the Turkey Slap incident happened on Big Brother.
Two years ago Crash won best film at the Oscars.
Two years ago Slobodan Milošević is found dead in his cell.
Two years ago cavemen invented the wheel.

I mean it was a long time ago folks.

....we talked about babies the whole time. I mean THE. WHOLE. TIME.

Seriously, is it time to just say goodbye to friendships like these? I don't even know what to say when I talk to them next... thanks for asking me about my life, I really appreciate it? What happens now?

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Tuesday, July 08, 2008


* Why do people hate people with red hair so much? I'm afraid that reddy boys get the worst end of the stick for some reason. Every single preggo chick I've known has at some point expressed a wish for it 'not to be a ranga'. I've even heard 'shall drown it if it is' (which made me laugh, sorry). I don't really see what all the fuss is about as I am a card carrying member of the Eric Stolz fan club (and have gone down that road myself via a dye bottle or two) however I have been assured that giving birth to a red one is something worth worrying about. Hell, my friend E discovered that her beloved has a bit of red in the beard and is now worried that all her anti-red tirades will come back to haunt her through her future children who she claims will be doomed to red hair and freckles - all coming from a gene that is about as far away from her own family as you can imagine. L (the husband) gets it every now and again in the form of anti-red/you have a defective gene emotional outbursts.

What is it about carrot top boys that entice ridicule, anger, distaste, fear and loathing? Why is it okay to have a ginger minge if you're a girl but not if you're a boy?

* Was bored and so I got into the car and drove the Eastlink the other day (what an exciting life I lead, I hear you think!). Now the Eastlink is this newly opened stretch of freeway that "links up" Melbourne's outer Eastern suburbs with roads leading directly into the city. It's a tollway and since it just opened we get a free trial. The road itself is okay. It's a visually textured stretch of road - which means that there's a lot of different "stuff" to look at a long the way. There's about a million pieces of sculpture and lots of brightly coloured barricades to stare at (of course this is just highly annoying if you're the one doing the driving). Having said all that I'm left with the feeling that while the road is fine to drive on I wonder whether all those stops along the new freeway are really places best left unlinked instead. Have we opened portals to other dimensions we really shouldn't have? I got to the end and realised I didn't really want to be there. Maybe it (only?) works better when you're heading into the city?

Has anyone driven it? What did you think of the artwork? Did "hotel" do it for you?

*I'm getting right into Big Brother UK at the moment (In all fairness I've given up on ours and only watch Big Mouth now). I don't know exactly what it is about their BB that I like so much but I think it has something to do with the fact that they actually DO have a variety of ages in there (rather than one old tart and everyone else barely out of the womb like we do) and their Big Brother is less about "twists" and more about laying the foundations for more real interactions than we have. Interestingly I'm finding that while we as a whole (audience and housemates) are more polite (not including Brigitte) than the Brits (they actually boo their housemates!) us Aussies fail big time in two important areas: our attitude towards race and women (and yes, if you're suddenly thinking but the Brits aren't so great at those things either then you're actually getting my point!).

I've written and re-written this paragraph about a million times and yet it never seems to come out right so I'll just say this. The "bloke-speak" in the Australian version of BB is out of control BAD - both in verbalisation but also the general attitude too. A couple of years ago I wrote this and I have to say my thoughts on the matter haven't changed one bit even though no actual "turkey slapping" has been going on in the Oz house this year.

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Saturday, July 05, 2008


I don't quite know how to put this so I'm just going to come right out and pose a "hypothetical" and follow on with a questionaire...

So you've been going out with your girlfriend/boyfriend for a while now. You consider yourselves in an adult relationship - ie: involving sex and commitment. Is anal sex a reasonable expectation?

1) yes, because EVERYONE is doing it.
2) yes, if you don't do it you're a prude.
3) yes, but only because we're "in love"
4) yes, it's a reasonable expectation because we're married.
5) yes, but only if my boyfriend receives it in the form of a dildo first and everytime we do it. Hell, HE'S the one with the prostate.
6) yes, because I get off on pain.
7) yes, becuase I get off on seeing others in pain.
8) yes, I'm guilted into doing it.
9) yes, I do it for them - I don't really like it otherwise.
10) no, fuck you.
11) no, it's never a reasonable expectation - I'm a person not a pornstar.
12) no, I did it once and I'm never going there again.
13) no, if s/he loved me then s/he wouldn't even go there and it would not be something that I'd hold over my lover as an expectation.
14) I'm certainly not going to go there because I know s/he doesn't want to but I secretly want to and eventually I'm going to end up with someone who does do it.
15) If s/he doesn't do it then s/he's dumped.
15) other...

But seriously, is it a reasonable expectation or an unfair porno-influenced one? I'm sort of trying to steer this away from "well if it's someone's fetish then that's a reasonable expectation" because of course that's a yes but fetishes aside... whaddaya reckon? Bum love or Bum deal?*

* I know it's a shitty questionaire (geddit?! ahaaaa) but humour me. You can answer anon or theoretically (since, yes it's all theoretical around here... tumbleweeds etc)

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