Sunday, November 30, 2008

..billion year old carbon.

I haven't done one of these in a while, an age, an era - whatever, but I happened across a song that made me put my nostalgia hat on.

I'd forgotten about her. It's been a good many years since I stopped and listened. Maybe 5? I don't know. The years have started blurring into each other. I guess I'd forgotten about her in part, because she, at the time of listening to her, brought out a more introspective side of me that I have, lately, tried to muffle (as you do). I can also say with great confidence that she was never a "favourite" or a "must have" on my playlist and easy to forget. But, I do remember a phase I went through where I would only listen to her and in particular this song.

Woodstock - Joni Mitchell

You know it.
If you don't... you should. If you do, chances are you already hate it. I can see how the song would inspire an uneasy feeling. Its anguished and haunting, the vocals jarring and pitched just above the comfort level, half yodeling and backed by a lonely electric piano. It's not an easy listen, or an easy sell for that matter, and yet so many musicians have cited her as an inspiration and this song in particular as poetry. It's probably one of the most amazing pieces of music I've ever heard.

Joni Mitchell never went to Woodstock. She wrote the song after seeing the events unfolding on TV, crying and wishing was there. I love it because the song is bigger than her and bigger than music, bigger than people who made the event happen. It's a representative of something bigger than life even: Collective consciousness, universal truths, spiritual awakening, soul cleansing, hope, modern miracles, wishful thinking, longing - read into it what you will - it all applies. I think it's a powerful representation of the mentality of the era, or perhaps a projected mentality. It doesn't matter, there's a kind of truth to it that goes beyond the words.

I originally found the song sometime in the mid-90s, in an old documentary I've since watched too many times to count Message to Love: The Isle of Wight Festival (1970) in the UK. Joni Mitchell performs the song, amidst angry protests and shouts. The IOWF being, of course, ironically the antithesis to the Woodstock Festival. She tells the crowd to have a little respect, that they are acting like "tourists" and somehow tames them into submission. It's pretty amazing. I was mesmerised by the song and purchased the album soon after seeing her performance.

Something in the lyrics is so powerful to me. I doubt everybody at the end of the hippy decade saw a trip to Woodstock as such a journey into spiritual transcendence, however I know that there were those that did. And I, myself do see music as a spiritual or sacred experience because it gets, like nothing else can, right to the soul. But furthermore and most importantly, something about the song flips a switch in me. I understand it, without actually being able to articulate how. I get its meaning, without thinking about it. I feel it without touching. I knew this song, before I actually heard it. There's not many songs I can say that about. Or any others actually.

It's no mistake I happened upon the song today.
I think it's time to start being more aware of myself again.
...get myself back to the garden, if you will.

Woodstock - Joni Mitchell

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Saturday, November 22, 2008

Party in an Envelope

Dear Lady in the Next Cubicle,

You: Humming the tune to jaws.
Me: Listening to you, aghast that you are 1) humming in a public restroom 2) actually a GIRL, humming in a public restroom.



Dear World,

Everything at the moment points to me feeling sad, but it's just so much easier to just take it out on everyone else and be angry.

Forgive me, but you give the fucking shits.


Angry Girl.

Dear Parent of a child that will be in my grade next year,

When I say that your son was being silly and calling out (read: being a complete disruption to everyone, having no respect for authority and sometimes being dangerous) during our little orientation program I meant it in all seriousness. You looked surprised, don't worry, I'm used to that look from people like you - it's the "oh but they never act that way around me" look. Bullshit! I heard on the grapevine that you were in the yard complaining about me saying this to you and then laughing about it.

If you think you can try this shit out on me you've got another thing coming. You have met your match lady. This is my little promise to you: Every time your son fucks up I will be seeking YOU out to deal with it at home. If you don't deal with it then we're going to be having many, many after school meetings, behavioural plans, meetings with the principal etc. It's not going to be pretty. I have all night and I'm willing to spend it, with you, talking about the things you need to get sorted, because yes - it's your responsibility to meet me half way on this, not absolve responsibility just because they're at "school".

You think it's funny that your son is undisciplined? I don't. I think it's a reflection of your parenting. I'm not laughing.


Not Amused.

Dear Egan,

You want 3-5 things that women do/are, which keep them single? I'll take three from me and two from someone else.

According to Sam de Brito (renowned for writing and ill written, second rate Australian men's column usually agreed with by neanderthals with shit for brains, in The Age and SMH - but apparently these two traits are seen an universally true???)
1. not being young enough

2. not being hot enough.

And mine...
3. Being obsessive about spending time together and not letting their man have any time to himself. God goddsake just give the poor bloke a night or two off to watch porn or footy or to complain about you to all of his friends. He's earned it! Falling into this category is the old calling 5 times a day, just to see how he's going.

4. Making plans that are too far ahead, too soon. The second date is not a good time to plan a wedding - not in any culture. Scrap booking your future wedding/house/family is also not a good idea.

5. Only having one interest in life: him.



Dear Random Reader,

You found my journal by searching "do men ever fake it?".

Do men ever fake it? pft. You know when you're talking about how your sister's best friend's hairdresser saw some D-grade movie actor at some incredible night spot and your boyfriend is all like "uh huh?" "sounds interesting" "mmmmm, wow" "yeppppppp"?

...he's totally faking it.


Boys just have a different way of doing it.

Dear Reports,

So I hear you're not going to write yourselves. Good one, but this means I'm still at square one.



Dear Head Honchos at the Australian Football League,

You are shit.

Seriously, you are shit.

Ben Cousins is a drug fucked dickhead who is taking the piss out of everyone. He's had his chance and fucked up - BIG TIME and you are still going to let him play? I don't get it. The football world is not a good place for someone who can't handle the pressure. Any other athlete would be out on their arse by now and so should he.

Cut him loose - he needs to go find a real job and give a rookie a chance to get drafted instead.



Dear Tracie and Rich,

I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove pot psychology!

Do Guys Ever Taste Their Own Semen? from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

You guys are so funny,



PS: Hey boys, come (cum) clean (haha), have you ever eaten your own spunk? A lot? Regularly? Never but will do so now? Never and never want to? Cum on, answer!

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

We Don't Get It.

I'm constantly amazed by the amount of people in "high places" that just DO. NOT. GET. IT.

A great example is the Education Department in Vic. Latest on the ever-increasing pile of crap that will eventually lead all teachers running from the profession is the banning of sugar from Victorian Schools. Now I don't actually have a problem with banning sugar from Victorian Schools. Whatever, good idea - I don't care. Hey I found a quote from Bronwyn Pike herself: "it is vital that we reinforce the healthy living message". Onya Bronny - true dat.

Oh but wait a sec, what's this? "Students will still be allowed to bring sweet treats to school in their lunchboxes". Ummm...what? So apparently this is yet another, let's put all the pressure on the schools to parade the old moral code and take all the pressure off the parents, trick. Great. Let's change things but not actually taking on the most important people in this equation (the parents, duh).

I don't understand why they bother regulating schools with spot checks for healthy food when apparently it doesn't matter what they bring from home in their lunch boxes anyway? I don't know how many times I've said it but the primary influence on young children is not school but their PARENTS. Is this such a difficult thing to understand? Why not do these so called "government spot checks" on student lunch boxes instead of on schools? I don't disagree with having a healthy eating policy in schools - just the opposite actually, but putting all the pressure on schools to enforce eating habits in children is completely missing the mark on promoting healthy eating. Bottom line, if parents can't do it their child isn't going to either. Target the parents. Target the fast food chains. Target advertising on the tele. Oh wait, this results in revenue lost? Ahhh..now we get to the bigger issue; Corruption. I'm sick of schools being a scape goat for problems that could easily be solved if the government/media/parents/workplaces were willing to lose some revenue doing it.

The other example of people in "high places" just NOT. GETTING. IT. comes again in the form of the government. Namely the Federal government and their new stance on internet filters.

Basically the proposal is that Australia will become the new China when it comes to internet filters. As in: all the good sites are banned. Why? Oh, a mixture of things including the internet being unsafe for children (porn, chat etc).

Here's an idea: How about parents control what their children can and can't do on the internet? I know, sounds like a radical idea - but it goes like this: When you have a child you commit to raising them. Raising them includes keeping them out of harms way. Keeping them out of harms way means that parents will actually have to be involved in their child's lives. And that means, less time on the xbox or with the mothers club and more time teaching your child about how to surf safely, be wary and be responsible. If that fails, ever heard of a Net Nanny? It was only invented about a million years ago when dinosaurs roamed the earth, geniuses. Why punish those of us who are barren of children by reducing the best bits of the internet just so parents can keep NOT raising their children? Why on earth people have children when they just don't want to raise them properly is beyond me.

But I don't blame the parents entirely. I'm aware that we live in a society that promotes long working hours and discriminates against stay at home mothers (or fathers) from job sharing or getting back into the work place after a while. Maternity leave is a joke and paternity leave is virtually non-existent! A lot of parents can't afford to take the time to raise their children these days not only because it's too hard to make ends meet - but because we (the people who live in this society) are fucking GREEDY. People want it all. Having it all involves having children AND living the life you had before you had kids and that is actually impossible unless you give up one little thing: Actually raising them.

It's a messy old web we weave. No wonder we just don't get it.

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Sunday, November 02, 2008


In the US they have this day called Halloween, where normal girls dress like sluts and parade about drinking their body weight in alcohol. In Australia we call this very same phenomenon The Melbourne Spring Racing Carnival.

It lasts for 4 weeks.

I just thought I'd point that out because I lost count of the unmentionables I caught sight of yesterday while having breakfast in Flemington (Flemmo). I am now blind.

However, if you are a single bloke (or just an old perve or a lesbian) you should make your way down Racecourse Rd in the next week because there are bound to be more shitfaced girls who can't walk in their heels wearing skirts that go up their bums.

I'm so proud we have something else in common with the US. No wonder we are such good allies.

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