Thursday, March 29, 2007


* I haven't been remembering my dreams lately. In fact, I can't remember the last dream I had. This is very unsettling to me. I can handle those terrifying dreams where things take a turn for the worse. That's easy to deal with but when I don't remember my dreams I feel dead inside. Like, you can't fight the monsters you can't see or something.

* At coffee tonight, L told us woefully that things with new guy have hit a bit of a block. She likes him and he still makes her knees go weak but it's been a month and he just hasn't been romantic - courtship wise. She's feeling like it's gone from first meeting to long term relationship in the space of a month - no fun flowery, datey stuff in between. She feels like a right twat asking to be taken out for dinner once in a while because she doesn't want to be:

a) needy
b) naggy
c) demanding.

Such is the case with so many of us. L is wondering, is it even something she should be worried about? I mean, he's THERE right? Plus she really likes him! That's something. Whatever the case though, it just feels like there should have been some nice stuff happening first. C (her sister) quite hilariously argued that too right 10 years down the track all you're doing is their washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning and then having to ASK for flowers or something nice. Her argument - get the nice stuff now because down the track it ain't gonna happen.

A few of my more attached (long term) friends have said similar things. Can this really be the case? El went on to argue that actually the only time she gets something unprovoked these days is when T (her man) has done something wrong or wants to butter her up. It all seems very sad. I sort of understand why the romance drops off as people settle into each other's lives but ..god, how depressing.

* Meanwhile speaking of men and women. The latest political he said, she said in the media has been fascinating. Former One Nation party leader and freak of nature Pauline Hanson says she slept with her former political partner, slime ball David Oldfield. He denies it. He takes a lie detector test. Turns out he's lying - he did sleep with her. I am left to ask myself a pertinent question: Why do men sleep with women and then deny it? This is certainly not a new thing it doesn't only happen to politicians you know, everyday men on the street are denying sex left right and center! Why? Surely if you're going to sleep with someone then you have to own your actions. I find the act of lying about who you sleep with absolutely deplorable. I couldn't really give a shit who is doing whom but if you're going to do it, then fucking OWN IT. Otherwise don't bloody well do it!! @!#($@#(@#$!! Am I wrong?

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Monday, March 26, 2007

The Law of Attraction

Today is the 6th anniversary of my online journalling. Obviously, I've quite sluttily (made up word) spread myself around, so to speak - so, no blogger I'm sorry you're not the first. I have been sullied by others. I hope you understand.

Here's a tidbit from my first online journal. Second post.

what do I want this space to be?
I'm so sick of trying to work myself out all the time.
If I spend any length of time focusing on my thoughts I will surely go crazy.
I never have linear thoughts.
I always thought that it was the places I visited that represented the labyrinth.
but now I know
that the labyrinth is me.

why didn't I make this private?
what is a diary anyway?
a un-ruptured flow of thoughts?
or an abridged version of my life for someone...anyone...
like the radio edit of Stairway to Heaven.
culled for the benefit of air time and the short attention span of the masses..
so who?
people here? my future children? grandchildren? myself?
all of the above?
I'm confused.

Am I any closer to figuring myself out? In some ways yes, in some ways no. Did I actually type out the labyrinth is me and then press publish for all the world to see? Why, yes I embarrassingly did. I'll wear it too. I am a supreme dork.

In matters concerning the self and our place in the universe Fashion Cousin rang me up and asked me to come watch a DVD at her house about attracting the things you want into your life. She used the words "this thing is like a cult" and I was sooo there. Since Artist Turned Nun - Now In Her Own Words "Am Living Big Brother Uncut" Cousin (abbreviated to: ATNNIHOWALBBUC) almost became a cultist herself I have been fascinated by them. This DVD was no cult though - but perhaps just as sinister.

Yes, I'm talking about The Secret

Have you heard about it? No?

How can I put this?

Have you heard of Oprah Winfrey?


Okay, she loves it. That's all you need to know.

Ohhhhh Kayyyy, I'll explain it - Basically the it's a self help book without the book bit. You don't even have to read - it's a DVD! I am not a self help guru. In fact I have been known to laugh until I drool at people who read self help books - right to their face too (I don't have a lot of friends, obviously). I have read one or two self help books in my life (depending on how you define a self help book):

1) He's Just Not That Into You (a book about how women will let men treat them like shit just so they can have a relationship with them. Meanwhile if a man treats you like shit there is no way in hell he actually likes you. He doesn't like you. If he liked you, he'd treat you like a queen. He's never going to like you. He's going to keep treating you like shit. Ditch him girl - he's just not into you! It was written by a guy).

2) The Celestine Prophesy (Well, it was a fiction. Is this self help or is this new age? Neither? Both? I have no idea and hence the confusion. Sometimes there is a crossover between fiction/self help and new age. Basically this one is about how everything in the universe has deeper meaning and don't you forget it).

So that's it, my self help discovery, but now I can add The Secret.

What is The Secret?

Basically it's the law of attraction put into practical use. You can have everything you want as long as you want it. Positivity and joy attract positivity and joy. Negative thoughts attracts negativity. There is no such thing as bad luck, instead you control all aspects of your life.

The crux is that there is little to no distinction between humanity and the universe. We are all made up of energy and thus we are I think as jedi so wonderfully put it it - the universe made manifest. Therefore the possibilities for us are endless.

You want love. You imagine yourself with love. You think positively about it. You visualise having it. You feel yourself in love. You feel it. You trust that it will come to you. You never, ever think that you don't deserve it or that it won't happen. Any negativity you previously had you should drive out with only affirmative thoughts about love. Your thoughts must affirm what you want. Repeat. Love will manifest.

You are what you think.

Ask for what you want. Visualise it always - feel yourself enjoying what you really want. Receive it. Be grateful for what you have. Continue cycle.

It's certainly not a new thing. There are so many people out there who believe that thinking positive will attract positive things to you. A lot of YOU bloggers out there say it is so too. I've read that you think it ;) I've also deducted that you believe in chance and chaos and certainly not meaning and order in the universe.

Here's the thing. Do you believe that your mind can bring you what you want (that positivity is the way to go) knowing that if you believe that then everything in the universe has meaning and perhaps that drives the whole 'chance' idea out the window? If chance existed then what does it matter if you think like a misery guts every day? Surely chance always evens things out in the end? But this notion does not allow for that - it says that there is no chaos - there is only the way of all things and the way of all things is how you think it.

The Secret is not a secret really - but ignore the fact that it's a "next big thing" now. Is the concept of positive visualisation crap or not? Can you visualise good things and make them manifest? Do you engage in positive visualisation and has it worked for you?

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Teenage Wasteland

Don'tcha just love it when:

* You find a new widget for your blog

Read my VisualDNA Get your own VisualDNA™

* It's 12pm and you're wondering where the day has gone and then suddenly you're told the clocks went back an hour and now you have an EXTRA HOUR to play with!

* You have a sublime moment when you're fully content and happy with exactly who you are and your place in the world. Of course it disappears as quickly as it came but for that one moment you were absolute.

* You go out for breakfast and the eggs are cooked exactly how you like them!

* You find two cheques you thought you'd lost. Yay - free money!

* For once, it's not a hot night - in fact it's cool, cold even, you can snuggle under the covers and it feels so good to do so.

* You go see a movie and remember a band that you once loved... (beware, many songs to follow)

I would have been in my mid teens when I first saw the movie Quadrophenia. I wasn't aware of the album at the time. I was aware of The Who, of course - Pete Townshend wrote the story and much of the album. As always, a passionate man - which you have to admire. I haven't seen Quadrophenia in many years now but there were a few songs that really stuck with me - especially Love Reign O'er Me. If you are not aware of this song, I wouldn't blame you, but you're doing a disservice to yourself if you don't go listen to it now. Just absolutely mind blowing. I think The Who is like that. They are just amazing. If you move past My Generation and and into their more aggressive stuff you realise that they were certainly no one trick pony.

Pete Townshend described the song and how it fits into the story in this way

[It] refers to Meher Baba's one time comment that rain was a blessing from God; that thunder was God's Voice. It's another plea to drown, only this time in the rain. Jimmy goes through a suicide crisis. He surrenders to the inevitable, and you know, you know, when it's over and he goes back to town he'll be going through the same shit, being in the same terrible family situation and so on, but he's moved up a level. He's weak still, but there's a strength in that weakness. He's in danger of maturing

Love Reign O'er Me - The Who

I was still not a Who fan though - but a couple of things did tip me over the edge.

1) A couple of years later I happened to come across the rockumentary Message to Love - The Isle of Wight Festival. At the time I was going through a bit of a 60s and 70s music phase. Okay, I'm still going through that phase. Okay, it's not a phase at all. I taped it and watched it almost continuously - whenever I had a spare moment as a matter of fact. I knew it off by heart after a while and I suspect the fam was thoroughly sick of it (though they put up with it, more or less anyway). Their performance at the Isle of Wight - 1970, depicted in the movie is amazing. How many times did I rewind that tape to watch Young Man Blues (Mose Allison)? God, bazillions. I think I wanted to be them. Yes, even with the crazy vest tassels and jumpsuits! In fact the whole cover of Young Man Blues is crazy. Definitely not a song to sip a coffee over. It's a song which needs scotch. A lot of scotch - hopefully also mixed with illegal drugs. Bloody brilliant song.

Young Man Blues (live) - The Who

2) Tommy their masterpiece of a rock opera. I was just so taken with it - how could I not be? It featured baked beans exploding over Ann Margret. Eric Clapton as The Preacher. Crazy-eye Tina Turner as the Acid Queen. Elton John in weird clothing and big glasses (okay, not a big stretch). But yes please to all of that! I identified with it too. There were bits in it that I just thought, yes - I get that. Plus, I just adored the music. I especially love Go to the Mirror (I read that it is customary for Who fans to stand in silence during this song at their concerts as a bit of a tribute to Tommy). Very cool. The songs See Me, Feel Me/Listening To You which recur in the movie - are are both part of Go to the Mirror as well. I really like these versions - they're a bit haunting.

See Me, Feel Me & Listening to You - The Who (from Tommy)

So there you have it - The Who.

Now, because I've already lathered this entry with songs by The Who. What's two more? Both seemingly on constant repeat. It is actually I Can See For Miles that I'd play most consistently - and Baba is really more of a new favourite than anything. Strange huh? - it's such a classic! I think I initially resisted it because it was so overplayed, but it's a powerful song.

I Can See For Miles - The Who

Baba O'Riley - The Who

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Saturday, March 24, 2007

Teenage angst has paid off well

I feel frustrated.

What is frustration? An inability to achieve what you want to achieve because other forces are at work. It's coming up against a road block and not knowing how to get past it. It's a build up of energy that has no point of release.

If a road doesn't have a side road you get out your machete and start lopping your way a new path. That's how winners operate.

But what about if you don't know what you're so frustrated about or feel that you have no right to feel frustrated? You can't get out the knife and chop away at everything haphazardly. That makes no sense, but when you don't know what you're so frustrated about that's exactly what you feel like doing. Then you get even more frustrated at yourself for acting like an idiot.

If you do nothing with your frustration then all you get is an explosion. That fucking sucks.

So what to do?

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Thursday, March 22, 2007

When humanity looks good

Sometimes in teaching there are days where you really wonder why you are doing this job that you're doing. The thoughts usually come on those days where you're stuck working through bureaucratic stuff and admin over your normal load of work, when you have extra curriculuar activities on the weekend, when you get your pay check (haha couldn't resist) and when you're being chagrined by a parent. Those are the days when you go home, pour yourself a really big glass of wine and think about how green, lush and juicy is the grass is on the other side of the fence. Most teachers go through it at some stage or another. We're starting to think of it as the 5 year itch here. It's around year 5 when things get very difficult to handle and you think about chucking it in.

Then again, you have other days where you wonder how anyone could possibly put up with paper pushing and the horror of horrors ADULTS in the workplace. Boooooring. Kids are pretty awesome even though they will drive you completely crazy. Like Prin said when I had a conversation with her about teaching the other day they're just so entertaining!. It's true, you work your arse off but there's a lot of cool stuff that happens.

In order to teach children you need to absolutely adore them. There's no way around it. You can't be the best teacher in the world if you don't like kids because if you don't the whole game is a mind fuck. I don't mean just thinking they're cute, but to just adore how they function and think. Would you be friends with a kid? If not because duh, they're a kid - then teaching is not for you, you don't get it. You're not seeing them as people who are 'as human and worthy as you' - 'cause they are, you know.

I know that I'd have a difficult time teaching teenagers. I don't see their awesomeness though I'm so glad that there are good teachers out there that do see those things about them. High school teaching for me? No thanks!

Even though there are days when you want to chuck it in, there are other days where life is good

Some kids are a scream, like Maddie who is 8 today and loves old fashioned television show like Little House on the Prairie and likes to smudge oil pastel on her nose just so she can wash it off again.

There's Alex who is 7 and in his imagination has devised a shoe that has a funnel attached that will shoot out a continuous stream of Easter Eggs during the Easter break. He loves telling me about it.

And Cal who is in grade 6 now, who still bumps into all the furniture just like he did in grade 2, has conversations with inanimate objects and does Montgomery Burns impressions and trips over his own feet, gets up and asks if he's still my favourite! (The cheek!)

And Jordan who just learned to spell shoe I know! I know! It's S. H. O..... um...O? awwwwww I knew it yesterday!

Who could forget when Ryan finally was able to write a sentence, it was like he discovered the world!

I just adore Tom (7) who is like Denis the Menace - he will drive you completely round the twist and just when you think you're about to explode he'll come up and just beam at you and say 'I love you' (so..you know you just have to forgive him!).

Also, who could forget the dance boys, who through their willingness to give up lunchtimes have created a boy dance revolution at the school!

The grade 1/2 girls always bring a smile to my face with funny statements like: 'I love your shoes', "I love your hair", "I'm going to be an artist/prime minister when I grow up".

And when you make a fake mistake on the board and say Oh No! What should I do if I make a mistake? hmmm let me think! they take you literally and tell you not to be so hard on yourself and that you're still just great even if you do make mistakes sometimes!

And there are endless conversations about funny innocent little things they think about.

On those good days - it's a pleasure, really.

Humanity looks good from the middle of the classroom.

It looks promising.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The One About The Pill

I woke to the grand news that the contraceptive ring was finally going to be on sale in Australia. Personally um..I don't quite understand where exactly it's going to reside, how it interferes with sex and tampons and does it disolve or does one have to somehow fish it out after three weeks?

Anyway, while women rejoice their heads off because we don't have to take a pill everyday if we don't wanna, I wonder why the HELL is it is always us women who have to have OUR hormones fucked around with? The last time I checked it takes two to make a baby - one of which happens to make sperm and have a penis. Why can't men have their testosterone levels altered to the point where they don't produce sperm and get headaches, moody and don't function normally? Why should we women have our hormone levels altered to the point where we don't release eggs and where our periods aren't actually periods? One may argue that if women don't want to get pregnant then women should take care of it - but in the same vein if men don't want the babies shouldn't men take 'care of things' too?

I'm on the pill (obviously not for tumbleweed reasons) but I wonder what the fuck it's doing to my body sometimes. Women go on the pill for a whole host of hormonal reasons, some of which have nothing to do with pregnancy and surely doctors prescribe the pill to treat a number of female related ailments, but why? Of course, I know the reasons why - but culturally why is it desirable for women to alter their hormones so dramatically when things go wrong? Are we so imperfect as we are? Would men even TAKE a male contraceptive pill? Would women trust them to?

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Monday, March 19, 2007

I'm lost behind the words I'll never find

Weekend of sniffles has developed into a full blown cold. I woke too late to justify ringing in so despite reservations I went on in to work. Big mistake. Trying to read the roll while you're tearing up and blowing your nose isn't all that easy. Attempting to create an art display that isn't wonky when your brain is hazy isn't a sinch either. Of course, in order to commiserate with the teary eyes and blowy nose my chin has sprouted a huge zit the size of Mt Kosciusko. Nice, thanks.

As I mentioned, my weekend was filled with mostly nothingness. I snuggled under the covers to watch Singles - you know, that old Cameron Crowe movie. I love this movie. For pretty much everything after and including Jerry Maguire Cameron Crowe went to shitsville and stayed there - but before that, he was a God.

Basically Singles chronicles the daily happenings of a group of 20 somethings that live in a block of single apartments - and hey, they're all single and looking for love! Hence; Singles.

It's a quirky sort of movie - a nod to the Seattle grunge music scene as much as it is to an exploration of single life.

There is a few things I really about this movie:
1) Seasons - Chris Cornell

This was probably the first song of Chris Cornell I had heard where he didn't spend some part of the song screaming. For the record, I think that he has one of the best screaming voices ever. I adore it. But this song - so melancholy, so sweet, so..true.

2) This photograph by Doisneau. One character remarks that he thought love should be like that photo. Oblivion. I don't know about that but I adore the photo and I do love the sentiment.

3) Questions for you, because I'm curious, because I really don't know what to think myself..

Do you think you can ever go back to a former love? Does anyone ever break up for the wrong reasons or is the breakup itself a reason never to go back (ie: if you break up then even if it's subconscious you did it for a true reason)?

Can love happen from making a list and ticking it off (a la RSVP.com.au etc)?

Does love happen from a spark, a connection, a something that tells you - this is something special here or can it just happen over time..like building a house brick by brick?

Is playing hard to get for girls the way to go in order to get your guy, or is that just high school immature stuff? How hard is playing too hard?

Would you ever cut in on a friend's love interest or ex?

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Saturday, March 17, 2007

everything has its season

Do you ever have those days where you wake up irritated or sad? Maybe it's a girl thing. Maybe it's a me thing? You know it's going to be a bad day when you first notice you're still in your pjs and in bed, hugging your pillow and groaning just a little ..and it's 3pm. Where exactly did the day go?, you wonder to yourself as you venture beyond the bed to make some brunchinner.

Then, as you peruse the paper you kick yourself after reading about the terrorist and his list of goals that involve people and places to take down. Sure, one doesn't actually aspire to terrorism but you can't help being just a little envious of his drive and determination. Your list is just a little lacking:

buy house.
get happy.
replace fish? (might be a bit too painful).

And you can't seem to get even THEM happening. What is harder, assassinating Bill Clinton or buying a house on a single teachers salary? Don't answer that.

Then you realise that you're feeling a cold coming on and while it would be nice to venture out of the house and actually DO something worth talking (blogging) about you instead decide that bad TV and can be enjoyed from the confines of that funny little haven called home.

So now you have a plan. You mull it over while creating magnetic poetry on the fridge (not as nice as this one though) and doing a little doodling. Things seem okay until you start remembering your dreams - horrid little adventures which involve indoor hallway tennis with ex-teachers and chemistry classes for convicts.

Then it comes to you - this is the weekend where you have to see that side of your family you don't especially want to see. It all makes sense.

edit: stolen from Miss Frou Frou

My Catalogue card:

taken from

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Letters from the Loony Bin.

Dear Ladies of Australia,

I realise it's exciting when a big name fashion designer finally decides to make a pair of pants that aren't going to set you back a cool thousand but really, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Descending like a pack of vultures on a pair of pants and a knit top is pathetic. I hate you.



Dear Vagina,

I saw a tumbleweed blowing gently across your humble emptiness today. It didn't even bother me, I just stood by and let it roll past.



Dear Parent of that 18 Month Old Toddler Who Put The Car Into Gear and Ran Over You,

I guess when baby says he don't wanna go potty, then he don't wanna go potty. Capish?



PS: No more 'Wiggles' music or dad gets it!

Dear Cleaner,

When you say you like me do you mean you like how anal I am about cleanliness around the art room or just sumthin sumthin ANAL?


Starting to Leave Before You Get There.

Dear Auntie T,

No, I don't think putting a sign across my chest that says "husband wanted" would work.

Thanks for the suggestion though,


Eternal Spinster.

Dear #1,

That conversation with you the other day made me feel less like a childless freak and more like the luckiest person in the world. I'm sad you have cracked nipples and a computer game playing husband that makes you feel like you're babysitting two kids. I love being able to squish my boobs without screaming in pain.

Of course squishing your own boobs is a bit pathetic.



Still thinking This One Out.

Dear Writers of the TV Show Scrubs,

I wish you would write me into your script. I would love to live inside you.


A Fan.

Dear Piece of Food on the Floor,

Was it 3 second rule or 30 second rule? Does it really matter, anyway? Starving children in Africa don't have any rules...or food.



Dear Bloggers,

You might not want to answer this but - right now you're pregnant do you Abort, Adopt out or just make it work hell or high water? Yes, boys, you get a choice too.



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Monday, March 12, 2007

a memory

Sometimes songs just remind you of certain things. I happened to hear it on the radio the other day and was almost knocked for a six by the flash of memories.

This one reminds me of summer. Sitting in the back seat on a warm day (it would have been Sunday - it was always Sunday), forehead against the window and feeling the vibrations of the wheels against the road travel up into my body. Wide eyes waiting to see the big Coca Cola billboard. Parents fighting in the front seat and bro with feet barely touching the floor next to me.

Then, at the beach, lying under a tree (under the golden leaf-filtered sunlight). Watching the little Italian men play Bocce - whooping at every score. Playing in the waves while dad watched from the shore, a floppy hat on his head. Begging to be allowed to go to a nearby playground where we twisted ourselves up on the swing and then let go suddenly only to twirl downwards, shrieking with glee. Enjoying a light dinner under the trees, swatting at the flies, scratching away at the tickles of grass under our legs. Lazily watching the sun set over the ocean, the cool breeze shivering against our tightening sunburns. Helping to carry the esky back to the car and driving home, head pressed against the window.

That's what this song reminds me of.

Johnny and Mary - Robert Palmer

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Saturday, March 10, 2007

mice and men

With both of us not having planned anything terribly exciting for our Friday night L and I went to see a movie. We saw Hot Fuzz which was funny and I highly recommend it for people who are as dorky as me and adored Shaun of the Dead. Our post movie talk did not focus on Hot Fuzz though.

L has just started seeing a new guy. She has been looking for a while and in her travels has unfortunately come across a string of not so nice guys (some of you will remember the 'dress more like a slut for me' guy). It's made her a bit wary but new guy sounds like a winner. He is sooooo amazing! she said with her eyes all sparkly and a big smile on her face. She hasn't had that look in a while. I wondered what made him so amazing.

He's just lovely to me. He's sexy. He's so nice to his friends. He introduced me to his family and he's just interested in me. After our Saturday night we spent all Sunday in bed *talking* and then he called me again on Monday and we talked for another 3 hours! Wow. She's known him a couple of weeks. I agreed he sounded amazing. The point was, he wanted to spend time with her that wasn't only focused on sex and he made her feel special. L just felt like she was important to him and a priority. I mentioned that he sounded like a gentleman. L laughed.

What's so funny? I asked.

L's brought up A. Remember him? she asked? I never met him but I remember the story. A DJ, never committed to anything, would break plans at the last minute, called all the time but never actually followed through with anything. But, he looked great on paper.

* Called when he said he would. Called her a lot actually.
* Paid for dinner.
* steady employment
* nice car
* opened doors for her
* good looking.
* Acted respectfully and wasn't rude.

Textbook, right? Wrong.

He told her that he was a gentleman. He said something like There aren't a lot of us left these days, but I'm a real gentleman and on paper he really was. He didn't let her forget it actually.

But actually he wasn't. L brought this up last night. She said that her new guy was a gentleman and it didn't take paying for dinner for her to realise this. Their dates had been casual sort of outings, she had been for dinner at his house and the one night they went out for dinner on the town they ended up at the same restaurant as his family so they all had dinner together. When alone, he paid sometimes and she paid other times. He paid on the first date but it wasn't an issue. I asked how L knew that new guy was a gentleman and L said that he treats me like I'm important. He's a great guy to everyone. A, the last guy treated her like "Sometimes Girl" and even though he presented like a gentleman, he wasn't because a real gentleman wouldn't be so selfish and self serving.

This as extremely poignant to me at the moment because there has been so much talk lately on the blogasphere about gentlemen and how opening doors and paying for dinner is gentlemanly. I've read it on about 3 different blogs lately. I had a problem with that definition because it sounded too simplistic. It never quite seemed like a true definition though I couldn't put my finger on why that was so. It's like those guys who always say they're nice and then complain about how their niceness doesn't get them anywhere. I mean, if you were really nice, you wouldn't be reminding everyone about how nice you are all the time would you and you certainly wouldn't expect that your niceness is deserving of a date?

In talking to L we nutted out that a man is a gentleman when he makes someone else feel like they are worthy of all the special things he does. He doesn't just do them to get somewhere with one person. He does them because that's who he is. L noticed that from what she had seen new guy was good to all people and that was defining too. Hell, he had an ex-wife and never said one bad word about her. They were too young, they didn't take heed of the warning signs, they didn't talk anymore and he was happy with that arrangement but he never said one bad thing about her. He never mentioned what a gentleman he was, it was just apparent. Of course it's early days but it was already sounding good!

What is a gentleman?

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

...running around trying to find certainty

Well I was tagged by the lovely Steph to write a list of 10 'when I was a kid' things.

* When I was a kid I used to stand on our balcony and shout "I love you and I want to marry you" over the fence and to the boy next door. I did it almost every day - how's that for OMG stalker? He was about 10 years older than me and mortified by my bravado. Looking back, probably not the wisest of crushes for a 5 year old.

* When I was a kid I'd make my dad proper coffee (percolated) and a slice of toast and bring it to him in bed every Sunday (mum worked on Sunday). I just loved doing that.

* When I was a kid I would beg my parents for things like boxes, buttons, real paints, paintbrushes, glue, glitter, coloured paper etc so that I could make things. I loved making things like houses for my dolls and cash registers out of cereal boxes. I wanted a doll house so much but they were too expensive, so I made my own (it was a bit crappy).

* When I was a kid I made myself a Wonder Woman outfit. I found this great shiny silver (or maybe it was gold..) cardboard in the cupboard and I made myself some those bracelets and a wonder woman crown. My skipping rope was a lasso and I wore my blue bathers and paraded around. Boy did I love Wonder Woman!

* When I was a kid I got into a standoff with another girl at kindergarten. I had brought a perfume bottle from home for show and tell (as ya do) and one of the other kids lied and said that it was hers and TOOK IT! I was not impressed with that at all. I hate liars. So I took the bottle back and then we had this fight in the bathroom which resulted in me throwing the lid of the bottle at her head. It hit target and she started crying so I ran and hid under the tables in the main room. I had to be coaxed out with soothing words. I remember thinking I'm never going to come out from under here ever again. I'm going to live here. I don't think I've ever been so traumatised by my own actions in my whole life! The next day for the first time ever, I didn't want to go to Kindy.

* When I was a kid I had a best friend called Peg. We wanted to be twins badly so we decided to dress exactly the same way everyday. We planned our outfits down to the crimped big 80s hair. No one was ever fooled except our grade 5 teacher Mrs Hurt (great name for a teacher) who always got confused by our awesome identicalness (made up word).

* When I was a kid and someone I didn't know very well came to visit our house I'd go and hide behind the couch and just stay there all scrunched up in a little human ball. I remember being quite a feisty little one but after about 5 or 6 I got scared of people and I got shy.

* When I was a kid my cousin MT had a 21st dress up birthday party. I was about 9 years old. I dressed up as a sailor girl. I had a white sailor hat with (the ends turned up). That became my favourite hat and I wore it everywhere. Didn't do so much for keeping the sun off, but it was so trendy!

* When I was a kid I couldn't stand to see people being bullied - still can't. I especially couldn't stand this happening to my little brother. People who are cruel to others/make fun of others are real pieces of work. Despite being quite painfully shy as a kid, once I heard little bro was being bullied by one of the mean boys in my grade I went right up and confronted him by yelling my head off in his face. I was so angry! He was real nice to my brother after that. Grr..it still makes me mad actually. Recently Bro told me about something not quite right that someone at his work did to him. Bro is can certainly handle himself but all I want to do is go right down there and kick the shit out of someone.

* When I was a kid I had "mishaps" in the kitchen. I loved the idea of cooking but I never could get it quite right. I'd always leave the oven on and forget there was something in there. Once I left a cake in the oven on for 2 and a half hours while I went outside and played! The kitchen was filled with black smoke when I returned. oops.

I tag anyone who wants to do it.

Lately I've been feeling a little contemplative and just ..I don't know how to describe the feeling. Like something is not quite right. I feel like the real me has gone on holidays and left behind a hazy not so static me. I feel blurry around the edges, like a water colour painting...

I feel like I'm about to be forgotten. Not yet..just an almost forgotten myth.

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Trio of nothingness

*** Okay Amy tagged me to do this list of 10 shuffle ipod songs.

1) Long Distance Drunk - Modest Mouse
2) Muppet Show Theme - The Muppets (Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!)
3) So Real - Jeff Buckley
4) Joker and The Thief - Wolfmother
5) The Hustle - Van McCoy (umm..hey look there's Tom Cruise!!!! *runs away*)
6) Claire De Lune - Debussy (see, am classy sometimes!)
7) Pretty On the Inside - Hole (psh, a girl can't be classy all the bloody time!)
8) Bedroom Eyes - Kate Ceberano (um...hey look there's ..oh fuck it!)
9) Andres - L7
10) Pump It Up - Elvis Costello & The Attractions

Thank God Jump - Kris Kross didn't come up!

*** I found myself in the posho section of Myer this evening, trying to decide whether Wedgewood or Royal Doulton is better. I'm buying one of those gifts for whom someone style comes second to label. People like me do not belong in the posho section of any store - I don't know why I volunteered to get it in the first place. I hate the posho section! Swarovski crystals are sparkly bits of nothingness to me, little ornaments makes my eyes bleed and I am the world's clumsiest person. Clumsy and expensive crystal do not go hand in hand btw. I made sure not to breathe the whole time I was there.

I don't really understand the notion of labels over style but I suppose people aren't really passing on K-mart Classics and tablecloths from Big W on to their loved ones when they die - but still, who gives a shit if your photo frame is a Wedgewood or not? Well, I hope SW does because, after much deliberation that's what she's getting for her 60th.

*** In other news the Art Room is being invaded by minibeasts! The other day I was getting the children packed up from their art lesson when I hear this little scream from one of the preps - I look over and she is standing at the sink and pointing upwards. I follow her shaky pointer and ARGGGHHHHH, A SPIDER - and it's MOVING!

Now, folks - I'm one of those people that get a tad hysterical when spiders are present. This fear was not helped by my lovely Papa who one day when greeting him home from work THREW a dirty big fake, black joke spider at my head. It scared the shit out of me and I never, greeted him at the door again! I refuse to greet anyone anymore. Honey, I'm home! Yeah? Well, you just make sure you approach with both hands where I can see 'em, Mister.

I remember in my first year of teaching in the middle of a Maths lesson this bigger than Ben Hur spider crawls up the wall of my humble classroom causing me to completely LOSE it. I ran to the other side of the room yelling KILL IT! KILL IT! and wouldn't move from my little corner until one of the boys (yes that would be one of the six year olds) got rid of it for me. In the end I realised that me yelling KILL IT! may have been traumatic for a couple of the kids so I revised it to a rather hysterical sounding "take it outside so it can live and be free in the garden NOWWWW!!!!!" but I think the kids heard the KILL IT! KILL IT! thing so it wasn't quite an effective environmental message as it could have been.

Anyway, back to the Art Room: The prep kid is pointing and screaming at the most HIDEOUS, hairy, huge spider I have ever seen - and like some horrific nightmare come true, it started crawling across the ceiling where it stops still just above the tap! This, of course prompts 10 other prep kids who are standing in line waiting to wash their hands to also start screaming as well! It takes every ounce of my superpowers to not join in on the screaming and follow that up by running out the door to my car and screeching off home to my bed. I can't tell you how much restraint it took me to calmly say "oh don't worry kids, it won't hurt you. It's more scared of you than you are of it". This is of course utter BULLSHIT! There is no way in hell the spider is more scared of me than I am of it, but since I am the adult here - Home Alone style - I just smile serenely and usher the kids back to their classroom.

Ten minutes later I have the industrial rubber gloves on as I spray one half bottle of Baygon square at its hideous form while screaming the whole time and doing that dance that looks like someone is shooting bullets at my feet while the Mexican Hat Dance theme plays loudly in the background.

The Italian teacher walks by and I tell him of my near death experience. At my house, I kill the spiders and [my wife] kills the cockroaches. It works out okay he says. "Cockroaches?" I'm horrified. "I hate those second to spiders!"

Same prep class one week later. A kid puts up her hand. Uh, Miss F.
I just saw a cockroach!

*** EDIT - Men (and women with access to penises (penii?)) who read this blog - please humour me for a second. I found an interesting size chart on Cazzie's blog.

Click here for interesting size chart

Basically, I want to know if it's true to life. I'm not asking for your penis or shoe size here, just a simple yes or no will do nicely.

According to your scientific calculations - is this chart for real (give or take a couple of cms)?

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Monday, March 05, 2007

You treat me badly, I love you madly

I think I had a lucky childhood, musically speaking. I had a great music teacher in primary school. In grade 5/6 choir we sang collections of songs from The Beach Boys, Smokey Robinson, Bob Dylan, The Supremes, Elvis, The Beatles, Leslie Gore, Motown, Peter Allen, The Easybeats as well as many contemporary artists. We danced to Broadway songs alongside Madonna songs. We performed in musicals where The Saints stood against Cliff Richard and we learnt to deconstruct simple classical pieces.

I had a thorough introduction to certain types of music which in turn inspired me to look further into new music (or old music, as it may be). We didn't get marks in our music classes - this was the 80s after all, we got a one word comment "good", "excellent" ...whatever. It didn't matter - it changed my life. I learned a lot about music and I learned a lot about myself too. I wonder what I would be like if I hadn't had that introduction? I wonder if I would love music as much as I do. I guess it's hard to say - but I feel a bit sorry for the people that didn't get the music education that I had at school. I went into high school knowing songs that my peers had no idea about. I couldn't believe they hadn't heard about Motown or punk or Cat Stevens. I felt like I had been let in on a secret.

I've spent a lot of time since then wondering about music for future generations. The radio doesn't really play the old stuff anymore and the new stuff - well, let's be honest, sometimes it's just a bit on the scary side. These days kids come to me asking whether I've heard this or that current song - they tell me the name of the song and I realise it's a remake of something I would have listened to when I was a teenager or kid. I remember the original instead. Sure kid, I've heard it - about 15 years ago, you know in the dark ages. I have been bothered by the thought that the originals will be forgotten and being a big fan of old time music I really don't want that to happen. It's not that I reject remakes of songs. I've been worried that all that history behind the original will be swept away under the plastic sounding songs of today. Maybe the kids of today will go into adulthood not realising that the music they listened to as a kid had context and history.

I've been thinking about this for a while and come to the conclusion that perhaps I'm overreacting with this train of thought. I might be a fuddy duddy and not giving the kids of today enough credit. You see, there is a deep dark secret that I hold too:

I was once that kid who listened to remakes and thought they were the originals! Didn't we all?

I fell in love with the remakes but as I grew up, I looked back, discovered the old stories of songs I once thought were new. Fell in love with the classics. Locomotion was not really a Kylie Minogue original! Carl Perkins did Blue Suede Shoes first! Songs have history, who knew?

This, in a roundabout way - takes me to my Musical Monday. Smokey Robinson.

I was introduced to Smokey Robinson through a dubious vehicle. Some of you might remember this one. I certainly do and it is with great glee that I found it again after all these years. I thought it was so funny when I first saw it. I had no idea who Smokey Robinson was back then. I never made the connection until years later. Go have a look for yourself and see if you remember the clip too. I never looked at the letter U in the same way again.

Smokey Robinson on Sesame Street

Then, a while later we sang Tracks of my Tears in our grade 6 school musical. I had no idea who sang it. I didn't care until years further down the track.

Then as a very impressionable tween and like other girls my age I fell under the spell of probably the world's WORST boy band in living history - New Kids on The Block. They did a cover of Oooh Baby, Baby in a live show I happened to catch on TV. Again, loved the song, but didn't care who sang it originally. In fact I had no idea it wasn't an NKOTB song!

Years later, it clicked. I came across songs like I Second that Emotion and Tears of a Clown and thought I had discovered SR&TM. It wasn't until then that I recognised the pattern of Smokey Robinson songs that had been invading my childhood and teen years without me even knowing it! I went back and re-discovered (discovered) the originals. The moment I heard the original of Ooh Baby Baby was a real eye opener for me. All my worlds collided. It took me a few years but I finally got it. Music existed before I did. It had a core, history, soul, context, life and a power beyond which I gave it. That made me feel small - as it should.

The point is. Don't panic! I think, maybe, these kids of today might eventually click on too. Maybe in 20 years they'll look back and discover just how good those classics are. They've just got to. Discovering you're not the center of the universe is part of growing up, after all.

In the meanwhile, while we wait for that big bombshell to drop - here's some of the good stuff. Two of my personal favourites from Smokey Robinson and The Miracles.

You've Really Got a Hold On Me

Oooh Baby, Baby

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Sunday, March 04, 2007


Usually on Sunday morning I go out for breakfast (well by the time it happens, it's actually closer to lunch, but who's counting the minutes anyway, punk?). Since I didn't do that this morning I decided to make myself breakfast. That is... make something that wasn't cornflakes. And yes, I DO count cornflakes as cooking, you got a problem with that? I figured, eggs florentine was the go - mostly because that's what I usually have if I'm going out for breaky, also it looked like a harmless meal to make. Bit of egg - more egg on top..bit of muffin...bit or spinach. Easy peasy, Japanesey.


I guess my first problem was not actually ever having made a Hollandaise sauce in my life - so I looked it up on the old internet on a site called "reluctant gourmet" and discovered that apparently this sauce is quite a difficult one to master. Pshhhhh! How difficult can it really be to whisk a few egg yolks together? Then as I kept reading I realised that it did actually sound a bit hard. I mean, they had so many specifications like 'make sure the water is simmering not boiling' and that 'the purpose of whisking was not to aerate but to something-something' (lost track a bit). Meh I hate wordy presidential speeches disguised as recipes, so I figured that jumping in feet first would be the way to go. Best not to get bogged down in the specifics of it all.

About half way through desperately trying NOT to aerate the egg yolks and holding a pan of hot butter ready to pour into the mixture my eyes fell upon the part of the recipe that confused me

as you near the milk solids, be at your most diligent not to add too much as the hollandaise is more likely to split at this stage.


My eyes go back up to the ingredients. No mention of milk solids there. Was this a trick? A typo? What the fuck is a milk solid anyway? Isn't solid milk a cow? What's cows got to do with it? Why are they mentioning cows all of a sudden? Here, my friends is where I started to panic. Then I read the word Sabayon and lost it. SABAYON? What the fuck? I'm still confused about where I'm going to find a fucking cow in suburbia and reluctant gourmet brings out the Sabayon big guns. The whole thing got me so flustered that my hand "slipped" and the oh so important "steady thin stream" of hot butter turned into a farking waterfall right into the goddamn Sabayon and the hollandaise started to split. The split, according to reluctant gourmet is the most dreaded of all kitchen terms to a chef. Well, THANK YOU!

I looked down at my dreaded split Hollandaise sauce and decided that I was going to whisk the shit out of it and keep on going anyway! I am a trooper dammit and I want eggs florentine for breakfast. I am the breakfast MASTER! The excessive whisking was burning the hell out of my biceps but the mixture was beginning to gel. Ha! I knew then I didn't need reluctant gourmet telling me what to do. Sabayon my ARSE!

It looked okay so I decided to concentrate on the egg poaching instead. The problem was that I'd never actually poached an egg (successfully) before either. So back to the internet where I found a site that informed me that this was basically a foolproof recipe and reading over it I realised that I could do the gently floating the egg in the water thing. It WAS kind of easy. The only problem was that I had forgotten about my muffins. They needed to be toasted. It took a little while to get that done and then I realised that after cooking spinach it must be strained...so I did that. Meanwhile the eggs have been in the fucking water for so long they've turned completely hard. Then I look down at the Hollandaise and it had split again..

Muffin with soggy spinach, hard boiled egg and split Hollandaise! Yuuuuuuuuuum.

Next week, I'm going out for breakfast!

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Friday, March 02, 2007

Always with the miscellany

* I happened to be early for a dinner with my friends the last night (I know, me - early? crazy!) and finding myself with nothing to do I resorted to cleaning out the inbox in my mobile phone. Of course I have one of those dinosaur phones that is about 5 years old, no colour, no photos a tiny inbox so that didn't take very long so I turned to the "notes" section on the old crappy Siemens and found this little gem:

Note to self: don't make eye contact with weird men.

For the life of me I can't remember the situation that necessitated me writing this little entry. I can decipher that I was probably out on the town, and/or being leered at by some guy that was making me feel uncomfortable. For fear of having to make eye contact with said weirdo again I probably pretended I was writing a text message when really I was writing a message to my future self to beware. It, being the season of weird messages out of the blue, I thought I'd pass that on. Maybe it will ring true for one of you (or all of you).

Do you ever write notes to yourself on your phone like that? Go check and let me know!

* #1 had her baby the other day. It's a boy and soooo tiny. Seeing the baby immediately made me feel clucky in a most ridiculous and irrational way but also a bit relieved I didn't have one at the same time. I guess once you have the bub that's IT, you're a parent for life.

An example of this hit home for me when I went out for coffee with a friend a couple of months ago. I hadn't seen her in two years and she basically told me that was the first time in three years she had been out without the baby. I couldn't believe it. Apparently her husband has basketball games, golf games and other things that take him out of the house whereas she doesn't. In order to go out she made sure that she had fed, bathed and put the babies in their pajamas before handing them over to her husband. I couldn't believe my ears - it sounded like the 1950s! Despite the fact that I am a social leper, I have never in my whole life been so happy not to have a husband/baby than I felt at that moment. I didn't even know what to say to her about it. I think I just commiserated and planted my head firmly inside the coffee cup and too a big gulp. I know she brought it on herself in a way, by not demanding that she get some time off from the kids but at the same time I realised that he could also be a bit more accommodating too by um, doing his parental duty and looking after the kids instead of being begged to babysit them like some nanny.

I know that #1 and her husband will be totally different in this regard but I know that when you have a baby and you're a woman it tends to go where you go. I don't know many men (any actually) who take their babies out for lunch when they go out with all their male friends. I don't know if it scares me because I'm single with no baby prospects and just trying to rationalise how great things are or it scares me because I'm immature and refuse to accept the status quo.

* Anyway, nothing to do with babies, but while out to dinner last night M told S and I about the issues she's been having with sex. In short she has a physiological condition that basically means she can't. That means that her husband married her knowing this (they've been together about 3 years). Yes, married her and told her that if it takes years of treatment to make it better so that the next 40 years will be blissful then there is not question that he will wait and be patient and do other enjoyable things together in the meanwhile. I'm trying to be as vague as possible here, so no, no more details. But suffice to say, it's not a case of her not wanting to - she has never been so devistated in her life. I don't know if this will end up being too much for them to handle, because yes sex is so important - but for now I heard her story and realised THAT'S what it means to really love someone - not really the foregoing sex bit - but understanding that the person you love is on the inside.

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