[Miscellany]

I have become the unhinged woman

I tell this to a friend as I watch the cars piercing through the cold night. Taillights reflecting off the wet black road.
The Saturday night club-babies stand outside on the wet pavement and smoke their fags. Their laughter and conversations are just a strange mime from this vantage point.

I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown - but didn't - and now I think I'm dealing with the inevitable hibernation that comes with not wanting to face reality.

I want to forget I exist.

G is sympathetic, relaying a story of her own brief dive into madness - the lack of decision making ability, the feeling of helplessness, the constant anxiety.

I feel anxious too. I feel like the world is closing in on me and that being on holidays is a welcome relief but soon it will all be back to reality.

Quit, stop, be happy.

She says, as though it's that easy.

You have a husband, security and support - you have other things you can do. You can quit, stop and be happy. I live in a different world where stopping and quitting means drowning.

It's different. You're speaking from an ivory tower.

I think the last bit.

Did you quit, stop and be happy when you were becoming unhinged?

I say that part.

No...

Ahh. I see. Easier said than done, right?

Okay, I see your point but you're going to get into trouble if you keep going like this.

I pick up my coffee cup, bring it to my lips and blow into the chocolate coloured mixture below until the steam billows towards me, warming my cheek bones and nose.

It's not the what.

I say slowly.

I know exactly what to do. What is easy. It's the how that is hard. And the 'what if' that scares me. I need tangible answers to my dilema and I don't know how to answer them myself. If I did, it wouldn't have come to this. It annoys me when people give me a what and then stand back wondering why I haven't just done it. Maybe I just want to vent. Maybe I just want the support of knowing that I have friends who don't need to be saviors they just love me enough to want to be there for me. Why would they be frustrated if I never asked for their opinion in the first place anyway? I just want their ears.

Because they're arseholes.

We laugh.

Maybe.

I'm sorry, you're actually right. I remember when I was in rut I had a lot of people telling me what I needed to do, but not many people were there to actually help me though that when it came down to it. There are a lot of people out there who will tell you something to make themselves feel like they're 'helping'. when really, they're self serving "oh look, I try so hard to help but they just don't listen - what ELSE can I do?.

G gives a mock angelic look.

Exactly.

M. I don't know about "the how".

I look up - half smile and half sigh.

Neither do I. And thanks for admitting that. It's a hard one to know.

Labels: chat, coffee, friends, night time in the city, vent

posted by M at 4:00 pm 14 comments

* I haven't been remembering my dreams lately. In fact, I can't remember the last dream I had. This is very unsettling to me. I can handle those terrifying dreams where things take a turn for the worse. That's easy to deal with but when I don't remember my dreams I feel dead inside. Like, you can't fight the monsters you can't see or something.

* At coffee tonight, L told us woefully that things with new guy have hit a bit of a block. She likes him and he still makes her knees go weak but it's been a month and he just hasn't been romantic - courtship wise. She's feeling like it's gone from first meeting to long term relationship in the space of a month - no fun flowery, datey stuff in between. She feels like a right twat asking to be taken out for dinner once in a while because she doesn't want to be:

a) needy
b) naggy
c) demanding.

Such is the case with so many of us. L is wondering, is it even something she should be worried about? I mean, he's THERE right? Plus she really likes him! That's something. Whatever the case though, it just feels like there should have been some nice stuff happening first. C (her sister) quite hilariously argued that too right 10 years down the track all you're doing is their washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning and then having to ASK for flowers or something nice. Her argument - get the nice stuff now because down the track it ain't gonna happen.

A few of my more attached (long term) friends have said similar things. Can this really be the case? El went on to argue that actually the only time she gets something unprovoked these days is when T (her man) has done something wrong or wants to butter her up. It all seems very sad. I sort of understand why the romance drops off as people settle into each other's lives but ..god, how depressing.

* Meanwhile speaking of men and women. The latest political he said, she said in the media has been fascinating. Former One Nation party leader and freak of nature Pauline Hanson says she slept with her former political partner, slime ball David Oldfield. He denies it. He takes a lie detector test. Turns out he's lying - he did sleep with her. I am left to ask myself a pertinent question: Why do men sleep with women and then deny it? This is certainly not a new thing it doesn't only happen to politicians you know, everyday men on the street are denying sex left right and center! Why? Surely if you're going to sleep with someone then you have to own your actions. I find the act of lying about who you sleep with absolutely deplorable. I couldn't really give a shit who is doing whom but if you're going to do it, then fucking OWN IT. Otherwise don't bloody well do it!! @!#($@#(@#$!! Am I wrong?

Labels: coffee, denial, friends, he said she said, men, women, wonderings

posted by M at 9:43 pm 29 comments