[Miscellany]

I'm looking at you and I'm wondering how you slipped through the cracks.  I'm wondering how you can cope at * years old; daily, with what most people never know until they're an adult. It's a horrible realisation to know that adults can and will let you down.  Just to know this is a slap in the face.  To expect it as normal is debilitating to the human soul.  To know it as your reality is beyond words.

You deal with it daily though and don't think I don't know how you cope.  Oh, I know.  I see it every day.  I see it in the way you move in your seat.  I see it in the words you ignore - those both harsh and full of praise.  I notice the way you lash out when others wrong you; desperately trying to cling to that part of you that is still a little hopeful and protect it.  I understand the parallel universe you've created to exist alongside this real one and I also know that reality is a dicey concept right now anyway.  I know you slip in and out as you need to.  I know how protective you are of the world you've created and I know why.  I know how comforting that world is.  I know how essential it is.  I know you need it.  I think you're amazing for having concocted this space for yourself.  You've shown at * what most adults never have to do - that is to completely protect yourself from all sides; from all attacks; from everything.  It's unfair that you have to and they never do.  Most will never, ever, EVER understand because they never, ever, EVER had to deal.  Lucky them.  They'll be the people who will tell you to look on the bright side.  Nice.

You haven't learnt yet how to ask why and when you do that will be yet another hard pill to swallow because there won't be an answer that won't come pointing back at you; yet another little something to deal with.  I understand from that look you give me that you are completely resigned to this way of being.  This is your reality and mate, you are doing a magnificent job of using absolutely every resource you have to survive it.  And you are surviving but it won't help you in this reality; the reality that isn't all that dicey for everybody else.  In this reality you are barely treading water; slowly sinking into quicksand; gasping for Ventolin; sawing logs with a butter knife. I recognise this.

I think about you a lot.  I think about you when everyone else is long gone.  I think about you when I should be thinking about myself but I have no answers.  I don't want to be yet another adult who fails you; like all of us have done so far.  As I sit here for yet another night at my desk with my head in my hands, trying desperately to make a bridge between us that won't fall down, I know that I have failed you too.   I see the you, who you really are and I admire that person and can't think of a more imaginative, clever, resourceful kid and on top of all of that I completely understand.  I do.  I guess that's what makes it harder but in the end, despite all of this I'm just another adult and just another person who will fail you in the end and it's killing me.

Labels: kids, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, teaching the teacher, work

posted by M at 6:40 pm 4 comments

My boss called me into her office the other day wanting to change the way we assess in the curriculum area that I am a leader of.  Of course, I'm being nice...  she didn't want to change the way we assess, she had already made that decision without consulting me.  Rather, she wanted to tell me that in fact we weren't going to use the assessment tool that I had painstakingly put together (and had been using at the school until now..) and instead we were now to use an online annotated assessment sample instead.

Labels: boss, questions, school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, teaching the teacher

posted by M at 1:06 am 7 comments

The shift in Education Leadership lately has been towards a business model of management.  I've never worked in an office but I've seen The Office and as far as I can comprehend the business model basically consists of a complete tosser at the top who has no idea what they are doing/might be good at managing one thing, middle management who don't care and the plebs who do all the important stuff while stealing the highlighters when no one is looking.  It's a money driven system with an agenda of maintaining or expanding a commodity.

In teaching, it is ridiculous to think of learning and students as a commodity.  A commodity implies that there is a direct return on an investment, which is all well and good in theory except that the business world is notoriously impatient and only wants results in one form (economics).  Getting an economic return on the student investment will probably not be evident for 30-50 years if something was put in place today.  This is too long for a political party to wait in order to brag about their effectiveness in government.  Despite allegations to the contrary I honestly do no believe any of the major political parties want to promote anything that won't show a result within their term of governing.  Is this cynical of me?  It's only true.  Furthermore isn't the return we actually want to see is a healthy, happy community of people who are life long learners and critical thinkers?  Isn't THAT the point?  Oh wait, that's not the same as money.. okay.

When compared to the business model the current school model of leadership has some similarities particularly in that there is also a complete tosser at the top, middle management who don't care and plebs.  However while an office pleb has only a small level of authority, a school "pleb" gets to be King of the Castle in their own classroom.  They are the authority in a very real way.  This means that in order to have effective leadership of staff from the top, you absolutely need to make sure that at the bottom line what is being taught in the classroom is always at very best standard possible.  Therefore f you don't have excellent curriculum knowledge from the top then a few plebby teachers can ruin the stability of the school.  A shitty teacher = shitty parents = shitty school.

In my view, good leadership in schools comes not from economics but from exclusively employing exemplary, inspiring teachers with excellent knowledge of curriculum for the top jobs.  Yes, sure economics is important, as is being able to work out timetables and the like but these things can be learnt on the job (and let's face it, don't we all know trained monkeys who are able to work out timetables and meet with the accountant every 3 months?)

My view of leadership is not exactly shared by the Department of Education.  They speak of leading from experience and exemplary teaching but in fact the opposite is what is being pushed into leadership now.  Those on the road to leadership these days are groomed by Department heads more interested in management than Leadership.  There's a difference.  The moment schools become "managed" by business graduates who have an interest in economics rather than knowing exactly how to teach and lead curriculum is the moment schools lose out.

In my opinion a good school has personable managers, a healthy budget in surplus with excellent teachers who carry the load and get the job done.  An excellent school has a leadership team that could walk into any classroom and teach or help teachers plan a lesson in a way that inspires another teacher to be better at their job.  There is no surplus in the budget (perhaps just a rainy day fund) because the budget is used for resources, professional development and mentoring and to pay exemplary teachers extra money for excellent work and Leadership have a good idea of what the needs of staff and students are.

We are moving away from a model of excellent and moving towards 'good'.  This is horrific in my eyes.  I can see it happening right now in my place of work.  The latest promotion to a very senior leadership role at the school is a manager and not a leader and what is the most horrifying is that I know that this was desirable from the perspective of the school.

My idealism is crushed and my heart breaks for the kids and for the good teachers out there in Education.  We are heading down a very bad road by treating schools as companies or businesses.  Hiring a trained monkey may seem like a good economic choice but we are not in the business of economics.  We are in the business of learning and learning just happens to be a money pit politically speaking.  The thing is I don't care about the politics of it, I'm all about connecting the dots here.

If we hire trained monkeys at the top then what exactly do we expect is going to come out at the bottom?

Labels: a case of the leader not wanting to be lead, boss, education, leaders of the world they are, new leader, school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, teaching the teacher

posted by M at 1:17 am 9 comments

I was going to do a music post that was me pressing shuffle and posting the first 5 songs that came up for laugh, but then I realised that it really wasn't going to work (for me).  There's only so many times that The Pina Colada song can come up before you are shamed to paralysis.  Okay I just admitted it, shame on me.

Anyway, the first song that came up was:

It's Not My Place (In The 9 to 5 World) - The Ramones



...which was a funny coincidence because I had *just* been thinking about how I'm one of those people that aren't built for the 9 to 5 workplace.  One could argue that teaching with all the holidays one gets and the fact that the kids leave at 3.30pm that it really isn't a 9 to 5 work place but if you are suggesting that it's somehow easier than working a regular office work shift then I'd invite you to come say that to my face.  We'd have... "words".   It's worse. Way worse.

Anyway, I like it when the ipod randomly acts like a personal psychic and quite frankly I find it often does.  In fact music often gives me exactly what I need when I need it, unfortunately more so than people ever have (or will?).

I was thinking though, that it really isn't my place to be in the rat race.  I'm not motivated by working up the rungs of the ladder.  I'm  not excited by extra challenges in the work I do.  I don't really want any extra money.  I don't want to work long hours.  I don't even want to work 5 days a week!  When us teachers went on the recent strike part of our strike conditions were to work a 38 hour week.  We didn't write reports.  We didn't have extra parent meetings.  We didn't have extra staff meetings.  Of course we STILL put in more than the 38 hour work week that we are supposedly paid a pittance for but we certainly did less.  When the discussions came up to go 'get back to normal' and get the shitty pay rise my hackles went up.  I would much rather work less.  I was happier not writing reports.  I was happier not having to "volunteer" to come in on my weekend to do unpaid extra.  I was more than happy to pack my bag at a reasonable hour and just leave.  I was happier just teaching and enjoying my grade than doing all the extra bullshit that goes along with teaching.

A single girl such as I has got to pay the bills.
It's not my place in the 9 to 5 world.
It's just not.
So what do I do?

Labels: 70s, music, musical monday, punk, ramones, rant, stressed teachers, teaching, work

posted by M at 8:16 pm 4 comments

I have a question.  Now I understand questions on the Internet rarely get answered seriously, particularly those on a journal that is only semi-functional at best, but I'll give it a go anyway.  What have I got to lose?  If you happen to read this over the next couple of years just humour me, okay?

There are a lot of changes happening in the Education industry that unfortunately reflect the times we now live in.  Schools are regarded as businesses, students as clients and teachers as the sweat shop workers.  This means that when changes occur it usually goes that like this:

Labels: school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, work

posted by M at 12:17 am 4 comments

This morning, on the first day back at the salt mine I was 45 minutes late.

Yes, 45 minutes. It's very lucky indeed that it wasn't a teaching day, because I would have been, pardon my French: royally fucked (fucked royale?). As it was everyone was giving me that look when I finally wandered in.. you know, the "oops you fucked up BIG time sister" look. I know it well; I was raised on that look. Some even did the slit throat sign. I was expecting the boss to really have a go at me at morning tea break because she had written this email last week explicitly stating (that is bold AND underlined) that it was strictly an 8.15am start for all staff. Well oops.

Dearest reader... I may be reaching my twilight years (team Jasper!) but I still know how to sleep in like a teen who has been going bong hits all night. I haven't seen "morning" for the past 6 weeks. My morning, summer holiday style is 1pm. My bedtime is 5-6am. I'm not sleeping that many hours here. I'm just all topsy turvy like.. I cannot simply go cold turkey back into waking up at a normal adult hour. Hell, I don't want to wake at normal adult hours. Normal adult hours are ridiculous! It was futile from the beginning.

The funny thing is that the Boss, didn't reprimand me. She looked at me and smiled and asked me how I was. There were a few people she DID reprimand (people who were on time but were ALMOST late.. ie 8.14am) - they weren't happy. Go figure. I guess you never know how things will be - sometimes you just get lucky.

I'm a little confused about my life lesson here, but I did get a little taste of what it's like to be Ferris Bueller for a minute and I gotta tell you, it's a pretty sweet existence.

Meanwhile, tonight I set my alarm extra loud because girls like me are not this lucky two days in a row.

Labels: endless summer lift the curse, ferris bueller method of living, life, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, work

posted by M at 7:53 pm 5 comments

For the past three years at the school I've enjoyed a very nice relationship with the parent community. My name has been bandied around the local kindergartens as a 'great teacher' and people come to the school knowing who I am and/or wanting their child to be in my class. This is very flattering for someone who has the self esteem about the size of a kangaroo fetus and for the most part of her life has felt like the girl in your class who wears braces and eats clag.

Next year at the school my role is changing somewhat. I'm going to be teaching a level of children that is a "hard sell" to parents - mostly because it will be a standalone class - but for other reasons too... I'm finding now, for the first time, in a long time I'm not a popular choice. Parents who I don't doubt would have followed me up the school with their children, are saying a polite "no" to this class and then coming to see me to apologise because, they assure me, they love me but ...no, this class no. I know that if I was faced with putting Guappo my fake adopted Somalian baby into this class I'd struggle too, so I really can't blame them.

This is the first time in my life however that I've actually had to battle against my Ego. I never thought I had one, you see - and it's a bit of a shock to find out that yes, yes I do.

In a way it's good for me to have my Ego checked by this little life test. It's good to be humbled sometimes and to have the shoe on the other foot.

But I want to make this perfectly clear: I hate it.

Labels: ego, musings, obsessive parents, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching

posted by M at 10:44 pm 3 comments

So... I'm thinking of not teaching any more.

I went into this job with high ideals that I haven't lost. Some of those ideals I understand are unreasonable. For instance, I understand that education is not exempt from the world of economics, even though I truly believe that money turns all good intentions bad. But that's not what I'm talking about. There are other ideals which are being compromised and I don't know that I can, philosophically speaking, continue down this path.

I honestly think

- We are making a big mistake from following ANY educational incentives that have originated in the US. ESPECIALLY those that have shown to be a waste of time and energy such as 'teach for America' - which coincidentally we are invoking here soon. Australia already has higher levels of literacy and numeracy than the US. They should be looking to us for the answers (not the other way round), WE should be looking to Finland who has shown to have one of the best educational systems in the world. Why aren't we? Well I think the general consensus is that teachers are treated like professionals and there is an emphasis on family responsibility in education too. Their tax system supports things like health care, child care and education - which feeds into their system of teaching and education in general. If we look to them then that assumes we are willing to change the way we live and function - that we feel that education is important. It's just easier to look at cost cutting measures that come out of the US and don't do a damn of good instead but look flashy to voters and parents who actually have no idea what really goes on inside a classroom.

- I really think that every single "new program" that I've seen introduced over the last 8 years has actually been detrimental to student learning.

- Private education does not need any more money pumped into it. End. Of. Story.

- I do more assessment on my 5 years olds now than I had done on me when I was IN YEAR 12. This is NOT an exaggeration. It's not needed. I don't understand on what planet that MORE assessment actually improves learning, especially when it comes at the expense of actually being able to teach the curriculum.

- new incentives come in. Teachers are asked to make time for them by "working smarter" which I think we can all agree is just a euphemism for 'we have no answers as to how you're going to do this, and we don't want to know how you're going to do it. Just get it done'.

- Parents are INSANE and I've seen less and less opposition to the crazy demands as the years go on. I can only imagine what will happen in 5 years.

- League tables to rank schools is the worst idea I've ever heard. Data proves nothing - and yet with this new development that's all we're going to be producing, schools will be run and exist only on data.

- Performance pay for teachers is BULLSHIT. We're not talking thousands and thousands of dollars for the extra work you do. We're talking - taking on major leading positions for an extra ONE thousand dollars. It's a load of shit. Pay teachers are real salary instead! God knows you ask enough of us - you want my liver?

And so I'm left in the unenviable position of knowing I'm a good teacher but knowing that being a good teacher has little to do with teaching. Either I leave or I try to change things. I don't know what to do.

Have you ever had your ideals completely challenged? What did you do?

Labels: questions, school, stressed teachers, teaching, wonderings

posted by M at 7:58 pm 9 comments

* Today I was doing a writing activity with a few children in my grade. We were looking at a photo of a girl with her dog and using that as a jumping off point to discuss pets. One boy in the group said that he wasn't allowed to have a dog. I asked why and he said that his grandpa said no to the whole thing "because dogs don't live as long as humans". I thought it was a beautiful example of the different ways in which people think. It was just so logical and true. I'm not saying it was fair or right but just that it was so true. You could tell that the other children in this group had never heard that kind of reasoning before. They only saw that their dog would lick them and play with them.

I guess one can look at things in two ways - the immediate and the long term. Some people plan ahead and that might give them better stead in some areas but hold them back in other areas. Others will always live for now, which is exciting but doesn't always take you where you want to go.

In other news, Grandpa always makes this child come in at the end of every day and bow to me - which I think is both hilarious and disturbing. I adore this child to no end. He's just the BEST kid, but if he keeps on bowing I have a feeling that he's going to come back one day as an adult and kill me dead.

* The other day I had a conversation about childbirth that had a twist - it was all about the husband. In one story - during childbirth, the father was so traumatised by the whole act that he could do nothing more than stand in the corner rigidly, rather like a human lamp post - not saying anything, not looking at anything, not hearing anything. The midwife went ballistic on him and started screaming "You go pet your wife! PET HER! YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE TO YOUR WIFE, SHE'S GIVING BIRTH!" He wouldn't move for the whole labour, and only "came to" after the child was born. It happens every time apparently. Not quite sure why you'd make the man go through it again and again if he was going to be like that.

I have heard of men whom, after witnessing the birth of their child are NOT in a hurry to go through it again. I guess the lack of control you have in the whole situation would be incredibly stressful. Men don't have the benefit of that hormone that supposedly takes away the "evil memories" as it happens for the mother. I still doubt an existence of such a hormone. How can someone forget the pain of something so unnatural and horrific? Then again, most of us do go back to go through it countless times so maybe there is something in it.

* I don't watch a lot of television but I admit what I do watch is the gutter trash of the televisual realm. I love trashy TV - it's not even a guilty pleasure. It's just a pleasure. So as you can probably guess tonight I was glued to the tele for premiere of the new season of Australia's Next Top Model. I'm a sucker for this shit. I'm already in love with the geeky girl Belinda who can hardly stand up without toppling over, or bumping into something. She's quirky and not bitchy in the least. Every other girl has "bitch" tattooed over their face of course. Is it just that they edit these shows to be like this, or is it that the more beautiful a woman is the bitchier she is, by nurture? Is it because they don't *have* to be nice - and they will still get what they want, regardless of personality that makes them bitchier? There is no question that all the girls on the show are stunning - the two that are quirky/clever are less bitchy than the rest however. If beauty makes a girl bitchy, does being beautiful make a man bitchy too? Or is it that having money makes a man bitchy instead? What is the line that men and women must cross before they become bitchy?** I know a girl who was a model (oh lord, STUNNING!) but she's the nicest girl that ever lived. Of course, she's also incredibly clever and driven in her chosen career so she fits into that "other" category of a girl who has something else to her. She's given up on modeling now though and will never go back, she hated the bitchiness inherent in the field and would be the first person to confirm about beauty = bitchiness. What makes people bitchy?

* Speaking of ANTM, I know that it's customary for models to be anorexic however does anyone else find it disturbing to hear the judges tell waifs that they still have to lose weight? I understand that this is just how the industry is, but since I have the televisual habits of a 15 year old girl I also know that if I'm watching Top Model then of course there are bazillions of other teens watching it too. Call me crazy but the last thing impressionable teens need is yet another public forum telling them that they are too fat. The Biggest Loser people need to lose weight. Models, not so much. Why can't they starve themselves behind closed toilet doors instead like we all expect them to instead of being 6 foot tall and weighing 45 kilos and STILL being though of as too fat out in the open for us all to hear? Our society has an obsession with weight! We're completely consumed by it. Fat people are too fat. Skinny people are too fat. People in the normal range are too fat. No one is ever just perfect the way they are. It's crazy.

** yeah, yeah I understand that not all beautiful men or women are bitchy and yes I understand that not all men or women with money are bitchy either. As always, I'm talking *many* not *all*.

Labels: babies, crap reality tele, models, teaching, teaching the teacher, TV, weight

posted by M at 10:26 pm 17 comments

Settling back into classroom teaching has been difficult. Getting through a day in a classroom is much easier than getting through a day in the AR but teaching the preps is just out of this world: hard. Most of them don't know their letters, or sounds or even how to write their names properly (ie; not backwards). Can you imagine how inundated I am by requests for help whenever we do ANY activity? It's crazy I tell ya.

Anyway, I'm coming home from work each night mentally and physically exhausted and I think as a consequence of this and reading that Tom Cruise biog by Andrew Morton I've been having some weird dreams. Last night probably took the cake as weirdo horrific dream of the year. Picture this - Germany 1942 - an underground secret railroad. I've traveled back in time in order to prepare for a school excursion (??) and find myself in the middle of a finely orchestrated escape attempt by Jewish people out of the country and away from the extermination camps. The dark dingy caves are packed with groups of whispering people who are scared for their lives. Suddenly we are ambushed by armies of soldiers and people are being brutally murdered all around me. I am lost in the crowd, confused about whether my fate is sealed or not. I wake before I die - almost prying my own eyes open and searching for some sort of recognition in the shadows in dark of my bedroom. I much preferred it when I was dreaming of men with strong lips. Andrew Morton with his mention of Nazi Germany and Scientology in the same sentence has a lot to answer for.

Earlier this week Scorpy was in an injury at work. A friend from work updated his blog in order to inform his readers about what was going on with Scorps. Hopefully all will be okay but this got me thinking about what I'd do if something happened to me. Who would I get to update and indeed would I even want to? Also there is the question of if I did - what would said trusted friend think of me after they had updated the blog? Would they be surprised? Would they be embarrassed for me? Would they think I was an idiot or would they discover something in me that they hadn't really contemplated before? I honestly don't know.

Scorpy's mate made the comment about his writing:

Some of it is very deep. I didn't know he had it in him.

Which made me think about how we are all perceived in life versus in blog land and indeed how complex we are as characters both on the street and in our own heads. I have been doing this for long enough to realise that everything is not what it seems when it comes to most characters, but I was to qualify that statement by saying I'm NOT talking about lying here. I mean - people explore real parts of themselves on their blog which may or may not be featured centre stage in real life. For instance, one person may come across as crass or hopeless or always on the verge of being a complete nutbag but in real life this may also be true, it's certainly not all of themselves, like it may be in a blog.

We are not one dimensional. So why is it so hard to reconcile all of those parts of ourselves so that we are always what we seem, in ALL facets of our lives?

Maybe those real life men's men - blokey blokes - explore a more "deep" side on their blog because they can't quite get to exposing that side of themselves (for whatever reason) in real life. I wonder why not? Do we (both men and women) really crucify men who express themselves eloquently in real life or is this a myth perpetuated by the gay phobia and a degradation of the "thinker" in the sports pages of every tabloid newspaper out there? Are men who write in the first place a bit more sensitive anyway and that's why this dichotomy of blokey guy on the outside, superhero deep guy on the blogside (made up word) exists?

If you were in an accident and your friend read your blog would they be surprised by reading a different person to who they really knew?
Why?
How?

Thinking music - one of my favourites (of course)

Get Off - The Dandy Warhols

Labels: blogs, dreams, friends, musical monday, stressed teachers, teaching, teaching the teacher, work

posted by M at 6:30 pm 19 comments

I'm having this little issue with a co-worker of mine. Recently she's taken over a team leader position in my area of teaching. Within this team she is the most experienced teacher, however she is not the most experienced in terms of having taught at this level before. There are two other teachers who are more experienced in teaching this grade than her and one of those teachers is me. This is a rather important point because kids at the level I teach at are unlike any other grade in the school. They are so far beyond what would be considered normal that you can't even compare it to teaching in any other grade. I know because I have taught other grades and the first time I came to teach this grade I was so unprepared for how different it was that it wasn't funny.

Anyway, this new leader is, I think, feeling threatened by the fact that this is all so overwhelming to her and in order to lift her own profile she keeps making condescending comments to me. In fairness she hasn't known me in any other role except as the art teacher and obviously I was sensitive about that perception when coming back into the classroom, but I've had enough of it now. Today she made a rather obvious comment about needing to enter names into the database - I mean, no shit right? - but it was something, incidentally (and rather surprisingly) she needed clarification about herself. I guess she felt embarrassed about not knowing how to do this herself that she wanted to appear more competent than someone else so ...why not pick on the art teacher? Unfortunately by that stage I'd had enough of little children crying at me all day that I just snapped Yeah I know, I *have* been working with his program *in the classroom* for about 5 years. rrraaow! I totally called her out and ...well, was a bit awkward after that. Now things are weird. I hate that.

For the most part I'm a rather easygoing person to deal with in real life. I do call people on their bullshit, don't get me wrong, but I rarely confront people with anger, especially in a work environment. I'd rather check my own ego if it means keeping the peace - which is what usually ends up happening. This is so at odds with how I deal with things on the internet where I'll just say exactly what I think at all times. If I don't then it's not because I respect you so much that I can't possibly say what I really think, it's just that I think you can't handle a discussion/comment beyond a 'yes ma'am' or 'yes sir'. Basically I think you'll pussy out and I'm don't care to deal with the wah wah bullshit that goes along with that. But in the work environment I will take one for the team - not if I truly believe something to be wrong - but when it comes to little disputes then yes.

Now, I'm not so sure of how to handle this one.

Do I keep on asserting that yes, yes I've been there done that - I'm much more experienced in teaching a grade than I am teaching art?

Do I just ignore the whole situation?

Do I go to her for the answer to a really obvious question that will re-establish the - you leader, me pleb - role?

Do I say fuck it and take the whole school and all the children down with me in a blaze of glory?

Labels: school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, teaching the teacher, work

posted by M at 8:39 pm 12 comments

Me: So what are you hoping to learn about at school?
kid - lunch!
Um..no.

random teacher: hey, so how's it going?
me: I'm on my 10th cup
random teacher: whoa, okay - not too good then I take it.
Um...true.

me: When you have rules at home and you don't follow those rules what happens?
loudmouth #1: Um..well...um... you know...sometimes...um
(thinking; t, t, t, today junior!)
...um sometimes when you're bad maybe your mum might say "no you can't go to Gemma's birthday party anymore!!"
me: oohhhhh kay that's very ...specific..
loudmouth #2 - or maybe your own birthday gets called OFF!!
yes, you see sometimes it's best not to make "links to the real world" because the "real world" is a scary, scary place

ohhh, J you're being such a good boy today! I'm so impressed with how brave you are.
(J looks at me and starts crying...again).
Best to just keep out of it sometimes.

calling out girl: um...what are these nice clothes?
me: dress ups!
cog: can I.....?
me: no!
cog: can...?
me: no, no you can't, not today.
cog: c..
me: not today hon.
cog; tomorrow?
me: ....um...
cog: (looking at me expectantly).
me: .....nup!
I'm not being mean, just practical. I really don't feel like THAT much tidying up at the end of a 12 hour day!

kid: Miss F, I think you forgot to give us all personal points!
me: (looking at chart where only one child has a personal point sticker) - no, I didn't forget at all.
kid: but, I don't have one.
me: no, no you don't.
It's a harsh life.

cryer: (grabs onto hand) I want you to stay outside with me. You can't go!
me: but hon, I have to go inside
cryer: whyyyyy? (squeezing hand)
me: because I'm really hungry and I want to eat my lunch. You already got to eat your lunch and you wouldn't even let me have any of your chocolate. I'm HUNGRY!
cryer: nooooo you stay here!
me: (trying to inch away) I have lasagna waiting for me and did I mention I was really HUNGRY?
cryer: stay!
me: how about having a play in the sand pit. It's so much fun!
cryer: I want to stay with you!
me: oohh, look there's your big brother I bet he'd LOVE to look after you
(big bro trying to inch away but have already grabbed his hand)
me: look K, your sister would like to play with you. BYEEEEEEEEEE (run)
Survival of the fittest

So as you can see, I'm buggered.

Labels: school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, work

posted by M at 10:03 pm 15 comments

I awoke this morning to a text message from ex art teacher (who is coming back to do art this year) asking me whether I was coming in to school this week because if so we could meet and do a quick handover of the art program/key/info. I almost went into hyperventilation mode while reading it. No, I'm not quite ready to be so formal yet. Sure, I actually went into school for two very long, hard, messy days last week to clean my room and get it ready (is there any other job where the workers are made to clean their own office and rearrange the furniture and even in my case BRING IN MY OWN furniture?) - so the point is, I already went in early last week so I didn't have to do it now.

The text this morning reminded me that my time as a lady of leisure is almost over. It also made me feel nervous. Going back to the classroom is a big change from the art role - the biggest part of this change is having once again to deal with parental influence and pressure. For the most part I think I handle the pressure quite well and get along with most parents. But on the other hand there are a few parents who do make a teacher's life a living hell and those parents are the ones that end up overruling all the lovely ones. The way to make a teacher's life hell is not by requesting interviews, or by wanting more homework, or even by ringing them to discuss their child. All this stuff, I want the parents to do. I want them to be diligent about their child's reading as I am. I want them to strive for the best. The problems occur only when the parents are completely off the planet with their demands and/or are aggressive. The year level I'm going back to teach is by far the worst in terms of parental pressure on teachers, until probably year 12 VCE High School.

My non teacher friends don't quite believe my stories of being interrupted in the middle of lessons by parents who are pissed about something, or being told that they rule the school and that they can get anything they want done so watch out (this was actually said to a teacher I know), or dealing with parent teacher interviews where the parents actually REFUSE to leave (dude, you get 10 minutes like everyone else!) or parents who shout, are aggressive, complain to the prin instead of coming straight to you (news flash, prin has no idea what you're going on about), blame the teacher if their child loses a jumper (like as if we're stockpiling them or something) - and the best one, those that will stand outside the classroom with their noses pressed right into the window so they can see what's going on (not offputting for the child at all!). You see, when I relate these stories to my friends, they think I'm exaggerating - as I tend to do most times. The thing is, they all have jobs where the client has to make an appointment in order to see management and they all are in workplaces where there are rules of conduct that are actually followed by their clients. They can't quite believe that someone would be harassed like that in their place of work. Well, believe it - there isn't a teacher alive out there who doesn't have a horror story.

Anyway, the point is, thinking about this makes me extremely nervous. I'm about to get my world rocked when honestly I prefer people to be more easy going. It'll be tough.

The other day I was researching alternative education on the web. I've always been interested in alternative education - that is education that is not run by the state or private schools. I mean, independent schools where they are a law unto themselves. I came across a school run by a quite well known children's book author - that is located just outside of Melb. The school sounds interesting and is so unlike the experiences of a general education that I do wonder how things operate.

The principal wanted to create a school that was based about what schools were like back before the bureaucracy got a hold of the reigns and started controlling everything. The website of the school outlines it's educational approach which all seem very run of the mill except when you get to the last point. Food should not to be brought to school, as we provide morning tea and lunch and snacks in-between. Lollies, chewing gum and soft drinks are not to be brought to school at any time. We cater for allergies and special diets. Interesting and you know, I like it. There is another school in Melbourne that has a similar philosophy on food and cooking (scroll down). More and more schools I've had contact with are rejecting not only cooking in the school, but also the sharing of food or if they do cooking it is not eaten because of the risk of a) contamination. b) allegries. Back when I was at school we cooked, we ate, we shared food, we had parties with food. News flash! Food is part of being human. Let's embrace that fact again. It makes me sad that food is so feared in our society: due to the so called (scaremongering) obesity epidemic or to other factors such as allergies and other controlling forces.

The other part of this particular school that impressed me in particular was the "is this school right for you?" page. Basically, it's the school laying down the law and saying; this is what we do, if you don't like it then pick somewhere else to send your child. It's nothing that is out of the ordinary either. It's just about respecting the school environment. I heartily agree with #10 which states We are very happy for parents to be involved in the life of the school, in all kinds of rich, exciting and rewarding ways. We work on an `invitation-acceptance’ or an `offer-acceptance’ basis. In other words, we may invite parents to contribute to the school in some way, and they may accept our invitation; equally they may offer to help us in some way and we may accept their invitation. However we are not happy with parents who want to impose their own agendas on the school, and we don’t tolerate parents who attempt to bully the school, teachers, or other students.. You get the feeling that this rule is actually upheld and that's a good thing.

But my favourite philosophy behind both schools, and many alternative education schools is their stance on free time. Nowadays free time is a dirty word to most parents and especially to the department. Free time implies that the time is idle and wasted. But to me, free time is always where you learn the most because you are left to your own devices. It's no secret that most of what we learn we actually learn through experimentation and play. All those things we, as adults, do that grabs and holds our attention is achieved through experimentation and choice - with a camera, or a paintbrush, some words, or a book or whatever it is that we do when we are not actually forced to do anything. Free time doesn't mean "not learning" free time means researching something for yourself, it means tactile, it means feeding your imagination. The things that stick out in our minds are the things that we have pioneered and discovered for ourselves or with others in tow. Free time is an important part of school life that has been lost in both the private and government sector because of fear that we are not 'doing our jobs and teaching'. It's become corrupted by this view that giving a child free time will mean they are not learning anything. This point of view is so ignorant it makes me ill. I feel sorry for those children whose whole day is organised, from school all day which is organised into little sections of learning to after school where often they partake in some new kind of organised learning as well - sport, dance, language, play dates. I speak to so many parents who are basically chauffeurs on the weekend too. It's sad. I'm finding that these alternative schools put a lot of value in free time and thank God. Obviously it's not something that is done excessively - but rather it's just something that is seen as important.

The school has only been running a couple of years and I do wonder what kind of student the school will produce after a few years - and indeed what will that student be like as an adult and as an older student in a mainstream high school. Will they be wildcats who are behind in learning and unable to function in the real world or will they be the pioneers of an independent mind, creativity and cooperation - active in creating a new kind of world?

For the record, I don't agree with all facets of alternative education - nor to I disagree with all ways in which public or private schools are run.

But what say you? Would you ever consider alternative education for your own child? Was it a choice you ever entertained but decided against? Never considered it? Were you a child of alternative education? Know people who are into it? Hate the way that schools are run but still aren't putting your money where your mouth is by sending your child somewhere else? I'd love to know your thoughts!

Labels: childhood, questions, school, stressed teachers, teaching, teaching the teacher, wonderings

posted by M at 2:40 pm 23 comments

Me - I'm sooo not ready for the end of the year. I've got so much still left to do. I'm moving rooms next year.
#2 - I got offered a new room. The new room is actually a lot better than the one I have now but there is no way I'm going through the pain of moving.
R - I would seriously rather teach in a hole than move rooms again.
Me - haha.
R - moving is the worst!
Me - yep, tell me about it.

It's not just the physical pain of moving but also the mental drain of knowing that you have to set up a whole different room from scratch - not to mention the mental switch moving to a whole new type of teaching. I'm wondering if I remember how to do it.

The hardest bit to deal with though are the emotions I'm going though about leaving. It's harder than I expected it would be. Every piece of work I take down I'm thinking about that child and the effort they put in, I'm think of my own teaching and guidance that helped achieve that result and I'm thinking of the joy it's brought to so many people who have walked past and stopped, looked and commented. Taking the work down is a process I need to go through in order to leave it behind properly. I'm leaving behind a wonderful team, a space I have perfected to my own tastes, a bazillion motivated children and most importantly my autonomy. I'm going to miss that and I know I'm giving it up to work under a leader I quite frankly don't respect all that much to do work that will, I already know, not be appreciated for whom I do it for. I need the challenge though.

I've received a lot of cards and lovely presents this year. It's really the words I take with me more than anything else. Words about flourishing children. Words of thanks and praise. Words saying that for the first time ever they are seeing their children enjoy art. Affirming, lovely words that lift my spirits. These words are very important to me because in a profession like teaching (and nursing too I'm sure is similar) you hear all the complaints but none of the compliments. When there's something wrong, you get words straight away: Words in letters, words in cards, threatening, spitting, accusing, hissing words. When you do good, it's the rare parent that notices or thinks to give a gift of words. We use them everyday and they cost nothing - and yet when it comes to giving them nicely we hesitate...

I guess I'm saying that it's an easy present to give and yet it brings a lot of joy. So, you've got a day left before the holidays (Victorians) - do it.

Labels: christmas, school, stressed teachers, teaching, teaching the teacher, words

posted by M at 10:57 pm 9 comments

*child screaming somewhere in the background*
bro - ...I hate those fucking whiny kids. That is one annoying sound.
me - you think THAT'S annoying? Multiply the sound by about a zillion times and keep it going for 45 minutes straight and you have that tantrum boy I had to deal with today.
bro - God.
me - yeah, tell me about it.
bro - what you should do is hire an inside man to pretend to be a prep.
me - WTF? Like a 25 year old Billy Maddison guy?
bro - no, no hear me out this is a good plan. You get this midget to pretend to be one of them and he can influence them. He'd be in your pocket the whole time and every time you want the kids to do something you tell midget guy and he'll set it up for you from the inside. He can be their little ring leader but really he's working for you.
me - .....that is not a bad idea. Where do I get a midget from?

The situation with the grades next year has gotten very bad. My grade is loaded with tough cases to the point where I'm about to just walk and not look back. I truly wish I could, but in the end I'm a dreamer with my feet planted firmly in the practical. I can't afford to just quit my job. What is upsetting me about the situation is not so much the "hard grade" itself it's the fact that things could be swapped around so that everyone has even grades but it's not being done, it's that I've had two changes to my grade which have both brought in even more tough kids and seen leave nicer ones and my grade was ALREADY loaded beforehand, it's the fact that I'm not being listened to and supported now which means I will be left to fend for myself next year also.

I know what it looks like when you have an unruly grade and I'm already battling with the stigma of being the art teacher going in to teach a grade. This is a huge stigma to deal with despite the fact that I've been a prep teacher before and I pretty much specialise in the early years of schooling. It's where my expertise are. People have short memories though and I know this more than anyone. The last thing I want as a professional is for my grade to be loaded to the point where people will look at them and judge everything I do MORE harshly than usual. It will have impact on my future teaching career because parents are notorious and terrible gossips out in the yard. Of course we will judge their parenting skills too, so I understand this is not a one way street - it's just that they can keep on having kids even if they are shit parents (see Britney Spears) whereas if the parents complain too loudly about us we get a bad name and parents start protesting about being in our grade. It can have devastating consequences as the teaching industry is actually a small one in terms of gossip, things tend to stick. You can go to a whole new school and everyone will know about your past - good or bad - within a month. Having a grade loaded with "issues" is like someone giving you a portfolio to work on that has little chance of succeeding. I mean sure, you deal with the situation and maybe inspiration will strike and you can beat things down but at the same time, if your end of year bonus depends on making it work and you can't because well, it was always set up to fail then you're certainly not going to be given MORE of a chance the next year are you...you'll probably get dumped with the crappy cases again.

Anyway the whole thing has really just depressed me. I'll just add it to the list of shitty things that have been going on lately.. I can't think of anything genuinely nice that has happened to me in ...well a very long time. God knows I've tried to rectify my myriad of dicey situations but to no avail.. I need a stiff drink.

Labels: bro, conversations, school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, wonderings

posted by M at 9:24 pm 22 comments

As you may know, next year I'm going back to the classroom and today was my first real taste of how life is going to be post art teaching. I've decided that life is going to be hard, real hard. I feel like I've been run over with a steam roller driven by a bunch of 5 year olds no less.

You see the kindergarten children come to school in the last few weeks of this year to meet the teachers and have a go at being at school just like the big kids - before 'real school' next year. So this afternoon found me nervously facing a bunch of the littlest children and trying to sing a song with them while their parents scrutinized my every move. Next week I've decided that no parents will be allowed in the room. I don't quite know how I am going to achieve that but it must be done somehow.

Those particular parents that just HAD to stay, all insisted that their child had adjustment issues. You know what I say? Your child has adjustment issues because you won't bloody leave them alone. They're 5 - if you let them be themselves for a second they'll adjust. Yeah it will be tears for a bit but for christssake kids cry, get over it (though I have to make a point and say that none of these kids were crying at all). Yes, sure there are children with "special needs" - this is different but there are some parents who just wouldn't go, they just stood in the corner glaring at their child, or worse yet - would prompt them for everything. They'd prompt them about writing. They'd prompt them about how to build with the blocks. They'd prompt them on how to sit. When I say "hey Thingo, here's a piece of paper can you write down all the words you know for me?" you telling your child what to write defeats the whole purpose of me observing their behaviour. If they don't know what words are then I want to know that they don't know what words are. There is no right or wrong here it's just establishing where the children are so that we can group them to their best needs next year. It's not going to count for their university entrance rank! Furthermore I'd like to see how your child interacts with other children. You are the centre of their lives, if you're in the room then they will not want to interact with others, they will just go straight to you. UGH.

Anyway, I drew a diagram to help you understand how the afternoon went. If it looks messy on paper, think about how my brain feels right about now (and multiply by three).

Labels: school, stressed teachers, teaching, tired

posted by M at 6:35 pm 19 comments

It's over! The film has been made, edited, submitted and finally screened. The premiere was last night (to rave reviews). V. Prin was there to support the cause and so were all the parents and children. Our film stood up marvellously to the work from neighbouring schools - even to neighbouring high schools. I understand why you were being so pedantic now V.Prin whispers to me during the premiere.

I was talking to the organiser of the event afterwards and it turns out that they might not get funding to re-create the event and training next year. This is not good. V.Prin is especially supportive of school events that go beyond English and Mathematics and so am I. Unfortunately schools are suffering the paradox of only being funded for core subjects but at the same time being EXPECTED to SOLVE the problems of the world. Shitty kids - apparently schools are to blame. Overweight kids - apparently schools are to blame. A valueless society - apparently schools are to blame. Apparently many parents don't parent anymore, this is my personal opinion but in any case we're expected to solve these problems but the only programs that are ever valued (with money and support) are programs involving numeracy and English. It's frustrating.

Anyway, this morning I got to school and found out that one of our little girls has qualified for a specific sport event - state level. Soon it will be Nationals - she's really that talented and I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up competing for Australia one day in her event. As it also happens she's not doing so well academically - but these sporting events; they are really her forte and indeed I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is her ticket out of hellsville - really. Unfortunately things are such that the things she does well aren't recognised properly by the powers that be. The school itself has poured money into the programs that help her (and others like her) but that's been off our own bat and I know that if she had gone to another school she wouldn't have had the chance to develop these particular talents because they are too far out from what is valued in schools to teach. In short, it's not English or Maths - and it can't be quantified so therefore it's not seen as important.

Schools these days are so tied by quantifying results to everyone around us (parents, high schools, the media, the government) that anything that can't be quantified gets put on the backburner as a "nice idea buuuuut..." - and that's what is happening to this film making thing – never mind that it ties in with literacy, decision making skills, art, technology, organisation and planning skills, critical thinking etc - but apparently these can't be measured by some crappy standardised test so they aren't seen as important. Sigh - and what of those kids that aren't going to ever make it based on their maths scores? Where do they fit in when it comes to the current education climate? You can bet if their programs are being devalued then they are feeling devalued too.

In other news I've started another photography class, this one focuses on portraits. In the last class I was frustrated by one of the other students. He constantly talked over the top of the teacher and was basically the kind of person I hate - acts superior, few brain cells, big mouth, arrogant, flirted with the only married woman in the class. Boo to all that. In this class everyone seems nice and all but the teacher is a nutter. Firstly he tells us that we won't actually need our cameras because he's very "theoretical" and then he says that in order to get discussion going he's going to pick on us individually until we start talking. So when he mused the other night -"What *is* a portrait anyway?" and then turned around and suddenly pointed right at my nose and shouted "YOU! WHAT DO YOU THINK?" I immediately felt like I was back in high school - my mouth went completely dry and could hardly answer. I'm a bit scared of him. I have no idea how we are going to learn about portrait taking without using our cameras ... should be err..something something.

Labels: kids, school, stressed teachers, teaching, teaching the teacher

posted by M at 11:56 am 21 comments

So after my last boo hoo post about aloneness - by some serendipity I came across the article that expained it all.

Radar's 100 Reasons Why You Are Still Single.

I swear I busted a rib laughing while reading it. Then of course the stark reality set in that ummm maybe I do some of these things.

Here are some of the best bits of the list - of course the whole thing is a best bit really. I've been kind enough to highlight the ones exhibited by yours truly so you can see just how sad I am and point and laugh. I will not name names but I already know that some of YOU guys do some of the things on the list too. I'll leave it up to you to own up.

5. Are only gay when you're drunk

6. Have written poetry inside a Starbucks

13. Use emoticons in handwritten letters (I know this is unforgivable but you see the thing is - once you start this it's very difficult to stop!)

14. Own a "It's Not Going to Suck Itself" T-shirt

18. Can't stop missing Anna Nicole

19. Scream out Wheel of Fortune answers (Wheel of Fortune, Temptation, RocKwiz, Spicks and Specks, even kids game shows - yes unfortunately for you I am always the carry over couch champ of any televised game show!)

21. Won't travel anywhere out of "blading distance"

23. Begin stories with, "I'm not a stalker, but ..." (...only as a joke I swear!)

26. Flash devil horns in wedding photos

27. Eat with one arm guarding your plate

28. Refer to your PDA as a "Crackberry"

29. Have a dartboard in your kitchen

30. Own a calendar featuring babies dressed as cowboys

32. Keep a dream journal (technically no, but I've been known to write about a dream or two, or 25)

36. Have a "lucky" garter hanging from your rearview mirror

38. Refuse to remove your Bluetooth earpiece during sex

39. Take off work each year to celebrate Cinco de Mayo; are Irish

41. Display your framed degree from bartending school

44. Refer to Target as "Tar-Jay" (not anymore, I promise...but I only very recently quit - like about 10 minutes ago when I read this list)

45. Have ever said: "That's sooo Sagittarius" (I can't help it if some people are *very* Leo, others are unfortunately Taurean - haha, yes yes I know a billion of you are Taurus, don't get your knickers in a knot- and some other people are so fabulously Arean they deserve to be king of the world now can I? *cough*)

47. Have a five o'clock shadow, on your ass

49. Cry when you listen to Belle and Sebastian, then, still tearful, blog about it (um..oh lord, it may not be Belle and Sebastian but it's close, veeerrry close and you all know it. I blame WDKY).

52. Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed

53. Live by two sartorial rules: pleated, stonewashed

58. Have taken more than one cell phone picture of your genitals

59. Close all correspondence with "Prayerfully Yours"

62. Use the word "scrumptious" (it's a perfectly good word dammit!)

64. List "Dungeon Master" on your business card

75. Have a bedside stack of Sudoku books

76. Can only make love to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones

80. Have a screensaver of you posing with your Frisbee golf bros

82. Have cellulite on your face

83. Refer to yourself as a "vagitarian"

87. Get visibly angry during Apple vs. PC debates

88. Are known among your girlfriends as "Heavy Flow"

98. Posted a Craigslist "Missed Connections" ad to find the kid who groped you on the subway

99. Believe the mouth is self-cleaning

Incidentally I partook (is this even a word?) in a PC versus Mac "conversation" at school today. I am one of those rare people that owns a Mac (though rarely use it for internet surfing purposes anymore) and actually COULDN'T GIVE A SHIT about which is better in emotive terms. I find it infinitely amusing how emotional Mac people are about their computers. There's some definite ain't seen any lovin' in a long time type passion going on there with the Mac users and I'm not quite sure why Mac users are so taken with their Macs.

The people I was talking to seemed normal on the outside (except we are all teachers, which of course makes us abnormal to the nth degree) totally surprised me by how far their lovefest went - hell they even got into "classic Mac appreciation societies" for fucks sake - yes apparently they really do exist!. I'm like...yes, I'm one of you but I'm not a freak like you (I actually said that). It seems that next year we will have more than two Mac users renting their edu laptops at the school. The computer techs are mortified - you'd think they'd be rapt.

- It seems that I'm not the only one considering a change at the school next year. The problem with this is that a few personalities I probably wouldn't like working with are planning on making a change to the same level that I'm considering teaching at next year. This is making me think twice about changing at all. Will working in a team I don't like be worth the change? I know the classroom is 'my own' but I'm now used to planning and executing things my own way - especially financially...will I end up killing someone whose ideas I clash with?

I approached Prin about maintaining some Art duties. She seemed receptive to the idea but I know that she doesn't want anymore job and grade sharing going on than is already happening next year. The thing about teaching at a primary level is that so much is always going on. We are not a bunch of specialist teachers - we've all trained as classroom teachers - but classrooms are creative and dynamic places in primary schools and people who go into teaching usually have something a little extra up their sleeves and are creative and dynamic too. You have to be in order to work with kids. Maybe they are arty, or have a knack for organising money, or are secretly computer geeks, or have a way with counseling, or are film buffs, or sporting legends in their tea breaks or musical geniuses, can dance or are amature theatre stars.

Wouldn't it be great that since we are fostering these "extra talents" in children too, that those of us who want to offer more, can? Schools are always banging on about being flexible places that integrate learning but the bottom line is, we rarely integrate teachers in order to make best use of our talents. We teach in boxes most of the time because it's easiest for management and indeed easier to sell to the parents. Sometimes we bow too much to parental pressure - so little John will have to get used to having two teachers instead of one - geez someone call in the authorities little John will have to...*gasp* learn to deal with different personalities - which won't help him in the real world at all, will it? Yes, I understand that if we're going to let teachers follow their own areas of interest then it means that the school will be messy in its structure - but as any teacher will tell you that all the best learning is messy, isn't it?

Labels: relationships, school, singletons, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, teaching the teacher, wonderings

posted by M at 11:27 pm 20 comments

*** Okay Amy tagged me to do this list of 10 shuffle ipod songs.

1) Long Distance Drunk - Modest Mouse
2) Muppet Show Theme - The Muppets (Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!)
3) So Real - Jeff Buckley
4) Joker and The Thief - Wolfmother
5) The Hustle - Van McCoy (umm..hey look there's Tom Cruise!!!! *runs away*)
6) Claire De Lune - Debussy (see, am classy sometimes!)
7) Pretty On the Inside - Hole (psh, a girl can't be classy all the bloody time!)
8) Bedroom Eyes - Kate Ceberano (um...hey look there's ..oh fuck it!)
9) Andres - L7
10) Pump It Up - Elvis Costello & The Attractions

Thank God Jump - Kris Kross didn't come up!

*** I found myself in the posho section of Myer this evening, trying to decide whether Wedgewood or Royal Doulton is better. I'm buying one of those gifts for whom someone style comes second to label. People like me do not belong in the posho section of any store - I don't know why I volunteered to get it in the first place. I hate the posho section! Swarovski crystals are sparkly bits of nothingness to me, little ornaments makes my eyes bleed and I am the world's clumsiest person. Clumsy and expensive crystal do not go hand in hand btw. I made sure not to breathe the whole time I was there.

I don't really understand the notion of labels over style but I suppose people aren't really passing on K-mart Classics and tablecloths from Big W on to their loved ones when they die - but still, who gives a shit if your photo frame is a Wedgewood or not? Well, I hope SW does because, after much deliberation that's what she's getting for her 60th.

*** In other news the Art Room is being invaded by minibeasts! The other day I was getting the children packed up from their art lesson when I hear this little scream from one of the preps - I look over and she is standing at the sink and pointing upwards. I follow her shaky pointer and ARGGGHHHHH, A SPIDER - and it's MOVING!

Now, folks - I'm one of those people that get a tad hysterical when spiders are present. This fear was not helped by my lovely Papa who one day when greeting him home from work THREW a dirty big fake, black joke spider at my head. It scared the shit out of me and I never, greeted him at the door again! I refuse to greet anyone anymore. Honey, I'm home! Yeah? Well, you just make sure you approach with both hands where I can see 'em, Mister.

I remember in my first year of teaching in the middle of a Maths lesson this bigger than Ben Hur spider crawls up the wall of my humble classroom causing me to completely LOSE it. I ran to the other side of the room yelling KILL IT! KILL IT! and wouldn't move from my little corner until one of the boys (yes that would be one of the six year olds) got rid of it for me. In the end I realised that me yelling KILL IT! may have been traumatic for a couple of the kids so I revised it to a rather hysterical sounding "take it outside so it can live and be free in the garden NOWWWW!!!!!" but I think the kids heard the KILL IT! KILL IT! thing so it wasn't quite an effective environmental message as it could have been.

Anyway, back to the Art Room: The prep kid is pointing and screaming at the most HIDEOUS, hairy, huge spider I have ever seen - and like some horrific nightmare come true, it started crawling across the ceiling where it stops still just above the tap! This, of course prompts 10 other prep kids who are standing in line waiting to wash their hands to also start screaming as well! It takes every ounce of my superpowers to not join in on the screaming and follow that up by running out the door to my car and screeching off home to my bed. I can't tell you how much restraint it took me to calmly say "oh don't worry kids, it won't hurt you. It's more scared of you than you are of it". This is of course utter BULLSHIT! There is no way in hell the spider is more scared of me than I am of it, but since I am the adult here - Home Alone style - I just smile serenely and usher the kids back to their classroom.

Ten minutes later I have the industrial rubber gloves on as I spray one half bottle of Baygon square at its hideous form while screaming the whole time and doing that dance that looks like someone is shooting bullets at my feet while the Mexican Hat Dance theme plays loudly in the background.

The Italian teacher walks by and I tell him of my near death experience. At my house, I kill the spiders and [my wife] kills the cockroaches. It works out okay he says. "Cockroaches?" I'm horrified. "I hate those second to spiders!"

Same prep class one week later. A kid puts up her hand. Uh, Miss F.
yes!
I just saw a cockroach!
DON'T PANIC KIDS! DO. NOT. PANIC! Jesus Christ!

*** EDIT - Men (and women with access to penises (penii?)) who read this blog - please humour me for a second. I found an interesting size chart on Cazzie's blog.

Click here for interesting size chart

Basically, I want to know if it's true to life. I'm not asking for your penis or shoe size here, just a simple yes or no will do nicely.

According to your scientific calculations - is this chart for real (give or take a couple of cms)?

Labels: don't panic, fear, penis, school, spiders, teaching

posted by M at 7:39 pm 42 comments