[Miscellany]

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what the purpose of it is.

I wonder a lot if I should be locking it up and keeping it as a place to spew private and seedy bile only.  I toy with deleting all the non-musical posts and keeping it specific and I ponder living a life alongside a blog that has an identity such as "cooking blog" or "teacher tips".  Sometimes I have an overwhelming urge to just throw the address out to everyone I know and let them all feast upon me and then I wonder why I don't?

Clearly this is a public space - and yet it's so unbelievably private at the same time.  There are posts that are more private than others, of course, but some people (you) get to read them all - private or not they are there for you to read.  I've made the choice for them to be there.  So what am I hiding from those in my everyday life exactly?  What aspect of myself am I protecting by not being open?

This notion of private and public in the online world is very interesting to me - and not just because I'm questioning my role in it.  There are things that people who happen across this blog know about me that no one else knows and there are things that you will never know because they are part of my public profile (avatar? and now it is complete, the avatar is not only online).  I'm not sure which is more real, but often I think it's this person here - the one clicking at the keys right now... but perhaps not.  Maybe it's the person that attends parent/teacher meetings and lends a listening ear to a friend in need?  I especially wonder about my need to be noticed versus my need to feel private and protected and how that affects this public/private dichotomy of my identity.  I wonder if everyone or anyone else in the blog world feels like this too or if it's just me.

If I threw open the doors of this blog then what would it become?  Would it change?  Would I?  And is that a good thing?

Is your blog truly public?
How's that treating you?

Labels: blogs, friends, internet as village community, musings, Now I'm writing a blog post about it. Bizarre., private, public, questions, secrets, thinking, thoughts, wonderings, writing

posted by M at 11:07 pm 14 comments

So I got to wondering.
Does anybody blog anymore?

I miss writing.
I miss turning an idea into something tangible like an entry.
I miss reading other people's real thoughts written in real sentences (or pseudo-real if you're me), without @ being involved.
I used to be good at doing this.
Now? Now, not so good.
It feels hard.

I remember when CDs came along. Everyone was pretty excited about them but I remember thinking they'd never replace good old vinyl or (God help me) cassettes. But they did. Now you can't buy cassettes anymore and even if you found them, you'd be hard pressed to find a new cassette player in a shop. In a time where everything should be easy, playing cassettes is hard. Is blogging as hard as playing cassettes? Did "the technological age" urge us to move on and make it hard to find a way back - or did I just forget that the birds would eat all the breadcrumbs and leave me without a pathway back home?

If you still get an update - you should comment - just so I know whether it's just me, or if it's all of us.

Labels: blogs, the term social networking makes me think of everyone handing out business cards and calling each other Bob

posted by M at 11:35 pm 21 comments

Settling back into classroom teaching has been difficult. Getting through a day in a classroom is much easier than getting through a day in the AR but teaching the preps is just out of this world: hard. Most of them don't know their letters, or sounds or even how to write their names properly (ie; not backwards). Can you imagine how inundated I am by requests for help whenever we do ANY activity? It's crazy I tell ya.

Anyway, I'm coming home from work each night mentally and physically exhausted and I think as a consequence of this and reading that Tom Cruise biog by Andrew Morton I've been having some weird dreams. Last night probably took the cake as weirdo horrific dream of the year. Picture this - Germany 1942 - an underground secret railroad. I've traveled back in time in order to prepare for a school excursion (??) and find myself in the middle of a finely orchestrated escape attempt by Jewish people out of the country and away from the extermination camps. The dark dingy caves are packed with groups of whispering people who are scared for their lives. Suddenly we are ambushed by armies of soldiers and people are being brutally murdered all around me. I am lost in the crowd, confused about whether my fate is sealed or not. I wake before I die - almost prying my own eyes open and searching for some sort of recognition in the shadows in dark of my bedroom. I much preferred it when I was dreaming of men with strong lips. Andrew Morton with his mention of Nazi Germany and Scientology in the same sentence has a lot to answer for.

Earlier this week Scorpy was in an injury at work. A friend from work updated his blog in order to inform his readers about what was going on with Scorps. Hopefully all will be okay but this got me thinking about what I'd do if something happened to me. Who would I get to update and indeed would I even want to? Also there is the question of if I did - what would said trusted friend think of me after they had updated the blog? Would they be surprised? Would they be embarrassed for me? Would they think I was an idiot or would they discover something in me that they hadn't really contemplated before? I honestly don't know.

Scorpy's mate made the comment about his writing:

Some of it is very deep. I didn't know he had it in him.

Which made me think about how we are all perceived in life versus in blog land and indeed how complex we are as characters both on the street and in our own heads. I have been doing this for long enough to realise that everything is not what it seems when it comes to most characters, but I was to qualify that statement by saying I'm NOT talking about lying here. I mean - people explore real parts of themselves on their blog which may or may not be featured centre stage in real life. For instance, one person may come across as crass or hopeless or always on the verge of being a complete nutbag but in real life this may also be true, it's certainly not all of themselves, like it may be in a blog.

We are not one dimensional. So why is it so hard to reconcile all of those parts of ourselves so that we are always what we seem, in ALL facets of our lives?

Maybe those real life men's men - blokey blokes - explore a more "deep" side on their blog because they can't quite get to exposing that side of themselves (for whatever reason) in real life. I wonder why not? Do we (both men and women) really crucify men who express themselves eloquently in real life or is this a myth perpetuated by the gay phobia and a degradation of the "thinker" in the sports pages of every tabloid newspaper out there? Are men who write in the first place a bit more sensitive anyway and that's why this dichotomy of blokey guy on the outside, superhero deep guy on the blogside (made up word) exists?

If you were in an accident and your friend read your blog would they be surprised by reading a different person to who they really knew?
Why?
How?

Thinking music - one of my favourites (of course)

Get Off - The Dandy Warhols

Labels: blogs, dreams, friends, musical monday, stressed teachers, teaching, teaching the teacher, work

posted by M at 6:30 pm 19 comments

* #1 has shocked the hell out of me by proclaiming that she is going to start a dreaded parent blog. You know the ones I mean. She knows someone who makes double my salary from professional blogging. Firstly, he's a lucky bastard - I hate him already. Secondly, what the hell? I don't know if I'm too comfortable sharing the internets with people I know in rl. What do you think? Do your closest friends read your blog? Would you write differently if they didn't (or did, for that matter)?

* I never thought I'd be one those people who says this but ....my allergies are playing up. This morning I sneezed 8 times in a row. IN A ROW! EIGHT! Let me tell you something... it felt nuthin' like an orgasm. I don't care what anyone says. It was agony. By the end I was just slumped over begging for mercy. I have no idea what has sparked my allergies this morning. Hell, I don't even know if I HAVE allergies. How do you find out anyway? Is there some sort of home testing I can do to find out? God knows I'm not going to the doctor. Why? I already know what they'll say - "let's prick a million needles in you *test results in* okay I suggest you avoid pollen, grass and dust. That'd be 150 dollars" OR "let's prick a million needles in you *test results in* okay I suggest we do a desensitisation of those things you're allergic to. It's going to cost a shit load of money you don't have and might not work. Okie dokie? *two years later* I suggest you avoid pollen, grass and dust. That'll be $2000 thanks. buh bye". Yeah, thanks for nothing you old quack - give me a solution I can live with. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I wish I had my own prescription pad. It'd save me a hell of a lot of time and energy.

Is it wrong that I've played out this whole scenario in my head before it's actually happened?

* Meeting up with some long lost relatives on the weekend was mighty interesting. My cousins now have a little child who is turning 7. It's all great except that in my conversations with her I picked up something was wrong with her. I know that sometimes teachers can jump to the wrong conclusions - but I also know that I'm rarely wrong when it comes to picking up on children that might have special issues. This kid has issues. I can't follow a conversation with her at all. She's very manic and she makes no sense. I really mean no sense. The parents were very cagey about answering any questions about her but it turns out that although she's almost 7 she's never been to school. She's also not being home schooled. Her mother doesn't believe children should be sent to school before 7 because that's apparently how the euros do it.

I've read a good many studies that support sending children to school later and I don't have a problem with that happening. In fact I've worked with children that have been sent to school TOO early and you know, it's hell. It's hell for the teacher and it's certainly traumatic for the child. HOWEVER, for fucks sake, if you are living in a country where the kids start school between 5 and 6 then dammit, THAT'S when you send your child to school. Can you imagine starting a prep class being two years older than your peers? At that age, 2 years is a huge difference and you are asking for social problems. Furthermore, the school will initially decide that the child should be in an age appropriate class (fair enough) but then that child will have NO IDEA what is happening because she won't have the basics down.

I'm all in a tizz about this because
1) this girl should be in school
2) I have a feeling that when she goes to school there are going to be other special needs problems to deal with ON TOP of being academically behind.

sigh.

* It's the Melbourne Cup today! For the uninitiated this means that Melbournians get a whole day off work to celebrate a horse race. I am not complaining. In fact let's celebrate! I wish we got the whole week. I've got money on so many horses that I'm sure to go broke even if I win. Awesome, all in the spirit of the holiday I say.

Do you gamble? Do you bet a lot or a little? Do you put all your money on one horse to win? One horse to win and place? Many horses? Or are you really serious about it?


*EDIT* I've become rather pathetically addicted to playing pacman lately. Unfortunately I am crap at it. I have no idea how that happened - especially since I thought I was hot shit at it but anyway... Click on this link to go play pacman online and then come back here and tell me if you're good at it or not. Is there a secret pacman strategy or am I doomed to FINALLY make it past level 1 with only one life left and then get done in the first 10 seconds by that bloody inkey forever?

Labels: blogs, gambling, holiday, money, questions, school, sick, stressed teachers

posted by M at 11:22 am 31 comments

* I had a strange blogger dream last night. It involved a mass blogger meet up, but felt more like High school. I liked High School in so far that I was totally happy doing my dance and drama, hanging out with my friends, singing show tunes in class and laughing a lot.. a hell of a lot (obviously I wasn't one of the popular elite). Apart from that I pretty much hated everyone else in High School and much like Erica Yurken from my one of my favourite childhood novels Hating Alison Ashley, I was always in the sick bay with a made up illness of some sort hoping to get out of 6th period Science with Mr K (he wore canary yellow).

The blogger meet up reminded me a little of my 10 year High School reunion (yes, unfortunately I did go...). I recognised some people, I think I recognised others and some I had no idea about. The whole thing was rather awkwardly surreal and I felt a little out of place. Which is incidentally how I alway feel - so at least that wasn't new. Just when things were looking very sad indeed Helena Bonham Carter turned up and sat right next to me. I'm not sure if she has a blog or not but it was marvelous of her anyway. She kelp scrunching her curls and looked a little flustered and distracted though - which funnily enough is exactly how I feel at the moment.

* The movie project is due tomorrow. Today, the new Dawson Leary was instructed to chain himself to the computer and edit the thing until it was done (day...what? 8 of editing?). Of course I was stuck in the AR with a bunch of homicidal children also known as my grade 3 art class (yes, yes okay fine I was the homicidal one) who for some reason were all concentrated on two girls in the grade squabbling with each other.

I got rather sick of the back and forth "but she said..." stuff and in a moment of utter frustration exclaimed to the whole grade in a loud and rather hysterical voice OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE (would love to swear for once), AS A MATTER Of INTEREST PUT UP YOUR HAND IF YOU ARE ANNOYED BY * and * ARGUING? Every single child in the grade put up their hand including one of the said squabblers (amusing). Then I put up my hand and so did the parent helper who had come in to do a yarn spinning demonstration (haha). The other squabbler and only person with their hand down looked mortified. I stopped the Art lesson right there and we talked about ways to avoid getting into arguments. It was the first time in a while for that grade that everyone worked cooperatively to come up with a solution (amazing how 'if you don't get along maybe don't sit together' is such a simple solution and and yet so effective). I'm not sure if highlighting that the whole class basically thought these two girls were idiots was the right way to go in teacher-land but sometimes kids need a dose of reality. They were being idiots.

Anyway, being stuck in the AR with a bunch of children meant that I could not keep an eye on Dawson Leary II and the movie editing. So when I turned up to the lab and saw him working on the DIRECTORS CUT of our 3 minute movie (including bloopers and outtakes and a credit reel, gangsta style) I went ballistic! Meanwhile the actual movie wasn't yet finished and I had big problems with a missing consent of release form (which by the way is still missing and by the way the fate of our movie depends on me finding it). So the film is still not finished and we are down a consent of release form. I have no way of actually supervising these children AND teach a grade at the same time AND actually get the tape to the co-ordinator all by tomorrow so the only thing left for me to do is have a complete nervous breakdown. Dawson Leary II, saw me hitting my head against the table today and said Oh Miss F, you and *producer* both stress too much! Doooooooooooontworryaboutit!. Serenity now! How do I get myself into these things?

* I had my review with Prin yesterday afternoon. I prepared like a champion (which means not starting the thinking process until about midnight the night before, pulling an all nighter and working through my lunch break and planning hour the next day) and we had a fine chat about next year. If she doesn't change her mind (anything goes with Prin) then I shall be back in the classroom next year with a day out of the room every week to supervise a Media Art extension group. This is very exciting and should keep me interested and challenged next year - and also answers the aforementioned question: How do I get myself into these things? Sigh. Surely Dawson Leary III will be a winner.

* It's amazing just how many people are searching for that blasted Maddison Gabriel on the net and coming up with my journal. Wouldn't it be great if they WEREN'T looking for child porn and instead were motivated by a distaste of the fashion and beauty industry and the unrealistic pressures it puts on women? Wouldn't it be fabulous if every one of them said 'hey, you know - this sucks and so I'm going to be outspoken about this too'? That would be great. God, I hope they're not looking for porn.

Labels: blogs, dirty femmo, friends, gender stuff, girls and women, media, miscellany, models, movies, school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, Yoko woman

posted by M at 10:43 pm 16 comments

The top 10 tally of search topics from people this week on melbstories and cbg as as follows.

drunk nuns
flowery panties
blew smoke up arse
clockwatching
running around trying to find
how not to come across as needy to a new guy
you treat me badly, I love you madly
naked women models, Melbourne.
Ted Baillieu film
moo-moo head.

I'm affirmed by the knowledge that people who come to these two blogs are a mix of the ridiculous, have weird sexual fetishes, are vaguely political, into pop culture and gender politics and might be slacking on the job. Kudos. No wonder blog people are my kind of people.

Meanwhile one of those inquiries is a pertinent one. How not to come across as needy to a new guy. Let's help this one out:

- don't have sex with him on the first date, second date, ..err any date until you are dating exclusively or he's actually expressed he likes to spend time with you when not having sex first (is this too old fashioned of me? Fuck it, so be it. I'm not having sex with someone who wants to date other people - unless I'm drunk off my tits in which case I'm anyones!!!!).

- have friends and better yet do stuff with them that doesn't always include him.

- don't call him everyday at work just because you missed him and are wondering what he's doing. Girlfriend, he's working (or updating his blog).

- don't make the pouty face when he spends time with the boys (or worse yet, invite yourself along). He's a new guy, let him believe he can still see the boys once in a while.

- no relationship talk until after you have sex (see #1) and even then don't do it in the afterglow.

- don't be sometimes girl. If you have sex and things suddenly cool off - cut him off. If he likes you, he'll like you in the morning and he'll want to introduce you to his friends. If not then he's not worth it - don't take him back.

- nickname: Honey Bunny. Save it for the 50 year anniversary.

- do not bring up the fact that you'd like a white wedding in Hawaii while on your first date.

- Interested in his life = good. Taking notes = bad.

- Do not sit out the front of his house with a bucket of chicken and a pair of night vision binoculars just to see what he's up to.

- Don't change your football team to his. NEVER DO THIS! Get a life, please!

- Have your own interests. He invites you out on Tuesday - oops you're having dinner with a girlfriend then. DO NOT CANCEL DINNER WITH GIRLFRIEND! Say, "I'm having dinner with a girlfriend, let's go out on Wednesday instead".

- He calls you at 9pm on a Saturday night. Do not answer the phone. Don't even entertain the last minute booty call. It's the early dating days - he wants a date, let him make it.

Anything else?

Labels: blogs, boys

posted by M at 4:20 pm 26 comments