[Miscellany]

I didn't intend on the hiatus.  No, really I didn't.  All I can think of by way of explanation is that it became hard to breathe again.  Not that I need an explanation of course, except perhaps to myself.

The beginning of October saw the 19th anniversary of my father's death.  It was the hardest milestone to live through that I can remember. Some years go by with barely a thought but last year was different.  I felt his absence, almost as badly as I felt it 19 years ago. I felt it in every pore and every thought.  I felt it with a deep, intense sadness that sticks around even today. I wish I could let it go.  I feel that by hanging on to it, I'm hanging on to his ghost somehow and stopping him somehow from finding peace.  It makes me feel even worse as I try to extract myself and to loosen this grip that seems to be so strong around him.

The thing is, I don't remember much about him; I've lived more than half of my life without him and time only ever moves forwards, not backwards.  I will never know more than what I know now and what does a 16 year old know about her father anyway?  I have been thinking a lot about the things I missed out on though and the things I learnt too early but wished I hadn't.  Things like; men leave.  I know it's not a truth, but it is my truth and it's something I learnt the hard way.  That notion has shaped my adulthood.  I can't change it.  I can't take it back.  I can't bring back the lost years either.  Time is difficult to deal with and though I am conscious of the ridiculousness of some of the notions I have they are also not without basis and therefore all the more difficult to let go.

I'm not even sure why, but I've thought about my father every day for the past 3 months since the anniversary of this death.  I've thought about the funny things he would say, or his smile or his advice... none of it is real.  It's all nostalgia - memories changed and I'm sure some made up completely.  The dead take on a ripe glow; all the past mistakes forgotten.  You forget the things you hated and you revere the things you loved until they become an object of only love.  It's not real and it's unfair for those left behind but this is what happens. Meanwhile, I didn't know grief could still feel this bad but it does.  It feels awful.  I wish I could go back for one last hug.  A real one.  It feels like a long, long time since I had a real hug from someone who really loved me.

I suppose the other reason I've been absent is the perpetual elephant in the room An awakening of sorts for me.  But what an awakening - every piece of my heart sings or sinks at any given moment.  On the one hand it's lovely to wake up to it but on the other hand - tear my heart out why dontcha?  I'd forgotten about this part... I'm reminded of John Hughes' movie 16 Candles.  The dad gives a newly 16 year old Molly Ringwald some fatherly advice:

Sam: "I know, but it hurts..."
Sam's Dad: "Thats why they call them crushes, if they were easy they'd call 'em something else."

And so from someone who lost their father at 16 and who never had the chance to have a bit of fatherly advice; thanks John Hughes.  I get it.  It hurts.  Everything at the moment hurts.

Labels: boys, death, love, love or lust, memories, memory, nostalgia

posted by M at 1:39 am 5 comments

I see him every day. He stands so confidently in his own space, looking so strong, so capable, so handsome. My drive in to work wouldn't be the same without his winning grin and twinkle in his eye to see me off.

In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you




...cartoon guy on the sign at the local Autocare shop.

Labels: boys, inappropriate thoughts, love, love or lust

posted by M at 12:45 am 4 comments

I had to yell at a grown man to do his job properly today.
That's right... yell.
It wasn't pretty.

When women are incompetent (or just want to get out of doing stuff) they play the damsel in distress card and if you happen to be good looking it works a treat with male bosses everywhere. *Bat eyelids*, but I just don't know what to dooo? *Bat eyelids again - bit of a pout*. God knows what ugly women do? Probably just get down to work I guess.

Meanwhile men have got the old Peter Pan Syndrome to fall back on. It's a tried and true recipe to get you out of ever taking any kind of responsibility for your job description. *joke, joke, joke ...oh you're trying to tell me about a problem you have?... let me deflect with this joke, joke, joke, disappear... oh you're going to track me down until you find me?... deflect by trying to confuse or blame others.. joke, go home early*.

What is with that? Why can't people just get in there, do their job and then go home? Why do people have to make it so hard by being fucktards?

I'm dealing with Mr. Peter Pan Jr a work at the moment and I really let him have it today when he told me to go and "do some homework" about a certain technical probably dealing with proxys and other server related accessibility issues that was HIS to deal with. I'm sorry, but that would be why he gets paid double my salary isn't it? - That is, to know his shit and get back to ME about it. Yes, Peter Pan happens to be in IT which is basically a euphemism for ... well I'm not going to say it... but seriously, does anyone NOT have a problem with their IT people at their place of work? We used to have one who was absolutely lovely, and would actually go out of his way to sit with you and work things out but it just turned out in the end that he had fucked our system up, and left us in the lurch. Still, I miss him. Especially since, every single other guy we've had in this position has been a complete moron who:

1) won't do their job
2) will actively try to get everyone else do to their job for them.
3) blames everyone else when their incompetence fucks things up.
4) outright lies about technology and makes the mistake of thinking that people who aren't in IT don't know anything about computers when yes actually we know you're lying because we're not retarded and do live in the 21st century you know!!
5) might actually have IT disease, which is the disease most IT people have.. which is why they end up in IT in the first place.*

Peter Pan is being re-employed next year. Why? Oooooh he's Peter Pan.

Who doesn't just love Peter Pan?

* to any IT people reading this out there... no offense, but you know it's true.

Labels: boys, computer stuff, Other women don't like you because you can't be trusted, peter pan

posted by M at 6:41 pm 16 comments

I was reading through some of my old handwritten diaries and came across my first mention of cyberspace. It went something like this:

I'm finally on the internet and chatting to ppl [sic]. It's great to find other people as apathetic about life as I am.

Seriously.

Reading back over your old diaries is always a painful experience in some form or another. The online diary is a much more sanitised and pine-o-cleaned version of one's life. The written diary has guts and tears splashed all over it because, bottom line, you never think that anyone will read it. It's petty, it's raw, it's completely pathetic and always embarrassing. It's complete ego. Unedited ego at that. I've come to realise that the only online diaries that are true representations of ourselves are the whiny, badly written and always self-centered posts written by 16 year old Emo freaks who feature bad poetry (but think it's good). Sorry, but you know it's true.

Reading back over the unedited ego of a younger me I feel a small tinge of shame and also a strange urge for 30 year old me to reach out to 20 year old me and give her a hug. God knows she needed it. Who knew that such a boring life could have so many dramas? I dredged up a lot of memories about things I swore I would never forgive (but did) and events I told myself I would remember forever (but didn't) and pacts I'd made with myself (but broken, many times over). Funny how that happens.

Back then I was rather bitter about the blossoming relationship between my friend E and her partner L. I was quite happy for them to be in love mind you, but not of where that left me (ie: without my friend). I featured a good many entries on the subject of times that were supposed to be best friend time but were horribly ruined by the boyfriend tagging along. E was very fond of making plans with me and then changing them at the last minute to include L. I really resented it.

I wonder why he agreed to tag along? Do boyfriends really want to spend time with their girlfriend's best friends or are they just doing it because they were bullied by their girlfriends? These days the girls are dying for time out from the husbands and babies! I don't see the husbands all that often these days (unless of course I'm at their houses). It's funny how things change.

Maybe it was incredibly ego-centric of me to be so concerned about my own feelings on the matter of boyfriends encroaching on best friend time but I have to be honest and say that if it happened now I'd still be pissed.

Maybe things haven't changed all that much.

Labels: boys, girfriend, memories, nostalgia, old, silly rabbit, wonderings

posted by M at 8:07 pm 19 comments

The top 10 tally of search topics from people this week on melbstories and cbg as as follows.

drunk nuns
flowery panties
blew smoke up arse
clockwatching
running around trying to find
how not to come across as needy to a new guy
you treat me badly, I love you madly
naked women models, Melbourne.
Ted Baillieu film
moo-moo head.

I'm affirmed by the knowledge that people who come to these two blogs are a mix of the ridiculous, have weird sexual fetishes, are vaguely political, into pop culture and gender politics and might be slacking on the job. Kudos. No wonder blog people are my kind of people.

Meanwhile one of those inquiries is a pertinent one. How not to come across as needy to a new guy. Let's help this one out:

- don't have sex with him on the first date, second date, ..err any date until you are dating exclusively or he's actually expressed he likes to spend time with you when not having sex first (is this too old fashioned of me? Fuck it, so be it. I'm not having sex with someone who wants to date other people - unless I'm drunk off my tits in which case I'm anyones!!!!).

- have friends and better yet do stuff with them that doesn't always include him.

- don't call him everyday at work just because you missed him and are wondering what he's doing. Girlfriend, he's working (or updating his blog).

- don't make the pouty face when he spends time with the boys (or worse yet, invite yourself along). He's a new guy, let him believe he can still see the boys once in a while.

- no relationship talk until after you have sex (see #1) and even then don't do it in the afterglow.

- don't be sometimes girl. If you have sex and things suddenly cool off - cut him off. If he likes you, he'll like you in the morning and he'll want to introduce you to his friends. If not then he's not worth it - don't take him back.

- nickname: Honey Bunny. Save it for the 50 year anniversary.

- do not bring up the fact that you'd like a white wedding in Hawaii while on your first date.

- Interested in his life = good. Taking notes = bad.

- Do not sit out the front of his house with a bucket of chicken and a pair of night vision binoculars just to see what he's up to.

- Don't change your football team to his. NEVER DO THIS! Get a life, please!

- Have your own interests. He invites you out on Tuesday - oops you're having dinner with a girlfriend then. DO NOT CANCEL DINNER WITH GIRLFRIEND! Say, "I'm having dinner with a girlfriend, let's go out on Wednesday instead".

- He calls you at 9pm on a Saturday night. Do not answer the phone. Don't even entertain the last minute booty call. It's the early dating days - he wants a date, let him make it.

Anything else?

Labels: blogs, boys

posted by M at 4:20 pm 26 comments

My friend was talking about her husband and his friends and their weekend away.

Boys are so easily amused. she said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

You know, one weekend we went away just the couples and the boys were gone for hours and hours in the garage. We heard them laughing so loudly that we went to see what was going on and well, there they were. D was standing near the garage door and the rest of them had ping pong balls in their hands.

They had invented a game: Sting-pong.

"Haha, wtf is sting-pong?"

It's where one boy stands at one end of the garage and the rest of them use ping pong balls to throw as hard as they can aiming for that one person. "IT" is not allowed to run, or hide. They have to just take it. They can use one hand to protect their eyes and one hand to protect their balls. D had welts all over his body.

They thought it was the best thing ever.

"okay, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard but it does sound pretty funny. Maybe it's a teen humour thing".

M [husband] is 37 years old!

Labels: boys, friends, leaders of the world they are

posted by M at 12:39 pm 30 comments

I never talk about this kind of stuff so just ignore and move on if you're in shock. I happen to be stuck in a little love triangle at the moment. The person I like, doesn't like me, or rather he likes me only in that cursed way: as a friend. The girl he does like is this absolute angel of a person that I can't fault. Usually it can be nice to get through something like this when the other person is a real bitch. Then you can console yourself with the fact that at least you're a great person and they're not. That isn't the case in this circumstance.

She's as nice as pie. Sure, she's about as fucked up as me, but she's pretty and sweet and way cool. There are a few things about us that are alike - except she just has an extra...something that I don't. I can't not like her. She's ace. The thing is that she doesn't like him as more than a friend. I might be wrong about that and maybe in the future something will develop but at the moment she doesn't really know he exists. He's quite obviously smitten in a puppy dog-ish way with her and it breaks my heart to see him so...enthralled with someone who isn't me. Its not like he's trying to stab me in the heart or anything but that's what it feels like.

To use a crap analogy It's a case of me being sour cream and chives chips and she being salt and vinegar and hey maybe there are some guys in the world who like salt and vinegar and some guys who like sour cream and chives. Suffice to say, the guy who likes the chicken flavoured variety of chip wouldn't like either of us because we're too tangy but in this case this guy is obviously a salt and vinegar flavour kind of guy - or thinks he is. This is all part and parcel of being human so far, except that I'm getting the sinking feeling that maybe I'm not sour cream and chives chips at all. Maybe I'm vomit and chalk flavoured chips - the kind that no one likes or even wants kept in their pantry (just in case someone pops over unexpectedly). This kind of thing happens way too often for it to be a "bad luck, maybe next time" situation. There just must be something flawed in the recipe of me. Vomit and chalk flavoured chips are never going to be anyone's favourite chip and they're never even going to be bought by anyone either...well, maybe only as a joke. I'm beginning to wonder what is the point of there even being a vomit and chalk flavoured chip if it's not ever going to sell.

Labels: boys, the mean reds

posted by M at 5:28 pm 32 comments

This morning I woke up at about 4am or so thinking oh shit, reports! Every time I tried to fall back into dreams I was driven back to waking life with the nervous tension brought on by adrenaline and stress. I don't know how people function in personalities which are constant and even - living at an even pace because they are planner or whatever. I don't know how they do it, but it sure would be nice to experience that just to see.

I gave up on sleep and went for the tele instead, but as anyone living in this wide brown land will tell you, the only thing on at that time are TV evangelists. Personally I think they're a laugh riot and I'll quite happily watch them. They're very good at what they do - I'm not exactly what you'd call a devout Catholic (read: heathen) but half way through This is Your Life (or was it This is Your Day? meh) I'm usually on my feet yelling Praise Jesus! with the rest of the crowd. As I said, they're very good. I don't know if TV evangelists have a gift from God, but I do know they have the gift of the gab. There's a difference - usually that difference is money but I guess it depends on who you ask.

I don't really want to go into my own journey with religion. I am not completely taken by the devil, but I am also not one for prayer. I grew up with a lot of prayer around me and I don't know if it gets you closer to God or even is the language of God. Sometimes I think it's an excuse not to be responsible for yourself - Catholicism especially asks you to turn to prayer if you do something wrong - as if prayer absolves you somehow of the responsibility of your actions. Sorry, I don't really believe that - especially if you're reciting poetry - but I understand that it gives comfort where there might otherwise be none. For me though, official prayer is the word of man (and I do mean man at the exclusion of women) not God at all. Maybe making up your own is the way to go - if there is a God, surely he's sick of the same old Our Fathers being said over and over and OVER. I'd sure as hell want some variety.

I guess that part of me that will happily watch a TV evangelist is the same part of me that will be interested in church (err, at Christmas) despite not being a religophile (made up word). I don't see them as teachings exactly but I do like listening to people's points of view and usually it encourages me to think about my own life and own experiences - even if I don't necessarily agree with the message itself. I like explanations of everyday life, even if it is through the proxy of the bible.

This morning after the discussion: "if President Bush needed prayer to make an important decision would you know what to pray about?" - which immediately sparked a woman to start speaking in tongues (err, yes, the language of Bush - apparently) there was a woman on the tele called Beth Moore who was talking about oppression. Despite being a few short of a 6 pack her "sermon" was interesting. Her starting point:

Genesis 29:32 (KJV) And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.

She focused on that idea of feeling that by changing who we are and living for others because we are afraid of not "being loved" (or approved of) is oppression. She argued that affliction in the case of the bible verse really meant oppression and that real oppression is when we allow others to dictate our self worth.

Through half sleepy eyes, I wondered about all the women I know, including myself, who have changed themselves in some way in order to "be loved" and how exhausting it is to live your life in accordance with someone elses idea of what you should be. When you think that someone else is going to withdraw love, or even not give you approval because you are who you are, then it's akin to living in fear isn't it? How many of us live in that constant shadow of fear of not being loved or good enough and will sacrifice a sense of self in order to ensure that 'love happens'? A great lot of us I'd think. So how many of us are really walking around not being ourselves? Don't we trust our of sense of self worth? Does everyone measure themselves in accordance with what others think of them? And can that ever result in love?

oh - I gotta go, Benny Hinn is about to bless me.

Labels: boys, crap reality tele, dirty femmo, God, love, questions

posted by M at 5:24 am 24 comments

I was over at Cafrine's neck of the woods and came across a great post about her top ten TV boyfriends. That would be the boyfriend that doesn't actually exist - but the one you sort of wish did. Never being one to resist the pull of trashy pop culture I couldn't resist but do it too. So here they are - in no particular order my top 10 TV boyfriends. I've tried to vote for characters rather than actors...

DEA Agent Peter Scottson from Weeds -(Played by Martin Donovan)- Okay, it's no big secret that I have a big crush on Martin Donovan anyway (as evidenced by my man crush post a million years ago) - but hey, I like persistence in a man and this character had it so hello officer!










Diver Dan from Sea Change - (played by David Wenham). I know, I know! He's totally inappropriate boyfriend material. He was a bit of a layabout, smartarse, not sure what he does for a living...or even if he MADE a living but he was intelligent, confident, great with kids, didn't take any shit from that lawyer woman, an environmentalist and totally stuck it to the man (not in a gay way) every chance he could. Perfect!








Tom Sloane from Daria - (voice by Russell Hankin). So he's a cartoon. What's wrong with that? Okay, it's a bit sad - but I like comic type boys - especially ones who are super intelligent, understanding and kind. Also, he totally falls for the geeky girl. That is TOTALLY cool.












Mr Darcy from 1995 BBC Mini Series: Pride And Prejudice - (played by Colin Firth). He came out of the lake and his shirt was wet. Do you understand how great he looked? (okay this picture highlights the sideburns instead of his great beauty but you get the picture). Apart from all his faults (and there are plenty) in the end he gets it together and shows strength of character by standing by the woman he loves. God that's hot! Am convinced that real Mr. Darcys do not exist and we are all stuck with horrid Mr Wickhams instead. That is why so many women are obsessed with Mr. fucking Darcy (or fucking Mr Darcy, as it may be).










Chris Stevens from Northern Exposure (played by John Corbett). He was the wise and lyrical radio guy with a social conscience, mighty easy on the eyes and looks like you could lean against him and he wouldn't crumble. What more can a girl ask for?














Dr Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap (played by Scott Bakula). Yeah, he's not really one of those types of guys that sticks around is he? And yet, a genius, a romantic, a bit of a dork and a total hero. Love it!












Xander Harris from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (played by Nicholas Brendon). Yeah, okay it's not a full on crush but it's there. He's not that lucky in love, he has no superhuman powers, he's a total dork and he got his eye gouged out. Um. But hey he's funny, he's loyal, he's a great friend and he's totally human. Humans are good.












Jon Stewart from The Daily Show. Sarcastic wit - LOVE IT.













Rube Sofer from Dead Like Me (played by Mandy Patinkin). There is one fatal flaw in this man - he's a grim reaper. Apart from that I admit that there aren't many redeeming qualities. I have nothing to say about it except that Mandy Patinkin gives me the horn in pretty much everything he does, I can't help it... even if he does have a girls' name.













Anton Enus from SBS News. Finally a male "eye candy" newsreader under the age of 50 (sports journos do NOT count - as anything -, sorry). Sure, he's GAY - but that somehow makes me love him more. I always stop to watch when he's on.






Honorable Mentions:
janitor from scrubs - I just love him!
Chris Farley from Saturday Night Live - not sure if I was allowed to include him since he actually IS dead, but hey, again LOVE him, plus he makes me laugh.
Mal Reynolds from Firefly - anti-hero hero.
Kel from Kath and Kim - I think this is my love for Glenn Robbins coming through. Kel is one of those truly good souls of this world. So he's a bit of a dag, but at least he's a prince in polyester.
Magnum PI - Tom Selleck I admitted this at a conversation at a wedding once (embarrassing TV crushes was the topic) - yeah, I got laughed at BIG TIME.

[I promise this is my last pop cult list/post for a while]

Labels: boys, meme, TV

posted by M at 2:10 pm 24 comments