Wednesday, May 28, 2008

finding wisdom in air tight packets of peanuts.

I was reading through some of my old handwritten diaries and came across my first mention of cyberspace. It went something like this:

I'm finally on the internet and chatting to ppl [sic]. It's great to find other people as apathetic about life as I am.


Reading back over your old diaries is always a painful experience in some form or another. The online diary is a much more sanitised and pine-o-cleaned version of one's life. The written diary has guts and tears splashed all over it because, bottom line, you never think that anyone will read it. It's petty, it's raw, it's completely pathetic and always embarrassing. It's complete ego. Unedited ego at that. I've come to realise that the only online diaries that are true representations of ourselves are the whiny, badly written and always self-centered posts written by 16 year old Emo freaks who feature bad poetry (but think it's good). Sorry, but you know it's true.

Reading back over the unedited ego of a younger me I feel a small tinge of shame and also a strange urge for 30 year old me to reach out to 20 year old me and give her a hug. God knows she needed it. Who knew that such a boring life could have so many dramas? I dredged up a lot of memories about things I swore I would never forgive (but did) and events I told myself I would remember forever (but didn't) and pacts I'd made with myself (but broken, many times over). Funny how that happens.

Back then I was rather bitter about the blossoming relationship between my friend E and her partner L. I was quite happy for them to be in love mind you, but not of where that left me (ie: without my friend). I featured a good many entries on the subject of times that were supposed to be best friend time but were horribly ruined by the boyfriend tagging along. E was very fond of making plans with me and then changing them at the last minute to include L. I really resented it.

I wonder why he agreed to tag along? Do boyfriends really want to spend time with their girlfriend's best friends or are they just doing it because they were bullied by their girlfriends? These days the girls are dying for time out from the husbands and babies! I don't see the husbands all that often these days (unless of course I'm at their houses). It's funny how things change.

Maybe it was incredibly ego-centric of me to be so concerned about my own feelings on the matter of boyfriends encroaching on best friend time but I have to be honest and say that if it happened now I'd still be pissed.

Maybe things haven't changed all that much.

Labels: , , , , , ,