[Miscellany]

Here's my love letter to you.

Dear Girl,

You are not in my class anymore but you visit me daily and you give me a hug.  That hug is the only regular human contact I have.  It's the most amazing thing in my day.  It's the most incredible thing I have - this tangible piece of loveliness that comes with a beaming smile that is all for me.  It is my only Technicolor moment amongst the dull monochrome that is every other breathing moment at the moment.

Somehow you don't see what other people must see in me - which is a broken person or an unworthy person.  You see through into the soul of me and for that 10 seconds I feel almost whole.  It is by far the best thing in my day.  You are by far the only person in my life who seeks me out for the sole purpose of you finding delight in seeing me.  You walk in.  You say hello.  You grin your wide grin and you give me a hug.

You are 9 years old and you have no idea just how important you are but you are very important.

I'm humbled.

Thank you.

M.

Labels: letters, love

posted by M at 12:50 am 3 comments

The last time my heart broke I put myself in bed whenever I wasn't at work.  I cried into my pillow and hugged myself, feeling every inch of that sucker punch in every single cell.  It took me a good year of feeling like a zombie and started a spiral downwards that I never quite recovered from.  I never fully came back.  I told myself that I could never do that to myself again.

This time, before it happened I reminded myself of what it felt like.  I came to the conclusion that I was above all that now that I was older and wiser.

I'm not above it.

I didn't know that it could feel worse.  I didn't know I would be sobbing on the floor unable to get up.  I didn't know being ignored could feel so terrible.  I didn't know I could physically feel like someone was clawing at my heart and tearing it to shreds.  I didn't know that my words would never be able to encompass the depth of pain I feel.

I didn't know that just because it was unrequited that it would hurt even more.  I don't understand how.

It does.
It hurts like a motherfucker.

Labels: Lloyd Dobler moment, love, this isn't even why I feel pointless

posted by M at 9:21 pm 1 comments

I didn't intend on the hiatus.  No, really I didn't.  All I can think of by way of explanation is that it became hard to breathe again.  Not that I need an explanation of course, except perhaps to myself.

The beginning of October saw the 19th anniversary of my father's death.  It was the hardest milestone to live through that I can remember. Some years go by with barely a thought but last year was different.  I felt his absence, almost as badly as I felt it 19 years ago. I felt it in every pore and every thought.  I felt it with a deep, intense sadness that sticks around even today. I wish I could let it go.  I feel that by hanging on to it, I'm hanging on to his ghost somehow and stopping him somehow from finding peace.  It makes me feel even worse as I try to extract myself and to loosen this grip that seems to be so strong around him.

The thing is, I don't remember much about him; I've lived more than half of my life without him and time only ever moves forwards, not backwards.  I will never know more than what I know now and what does a 16 year old know about her father anyway?  I have been thinking a lot about the things I missed out on though and the things I learnt too early but wished I hadn't.  Things like; men leave.  I know it's not a truth, but it is my truth and it's something I learnt the hard way.  That notion has shaped my adulthood.  I can't change it.  I can't take it back.  I can't bring back the lost years either.  Time is difficult to deal with and though I am conscious of the ridiculousness of some of the notions I have they are also not without basis and therefore all the more difficult to let go.

I'm not even sure why, but I've thought about my father every day for the past 3 months since the anniversary of this death.  I've thought about the funny things he would say, or his smile or his advice... none of it is real.  It's all nostalgia - memories changed and I'm sure some made up completely.  The dead take on a ripe glow; all the past mistakes forgotten.  You forget the things you hated and you revere the things you loved until they become an object of only love.  It's not real and it's unfair for those left behind but this is what happens. Meanwhile, I didn't know grief could still feel this bad but it does.  It feels awful.  I wish I could go back for one last hug.  A real one.  It feels like a long, long time since I had a real hug from someone who really loved me.

I suppose the other reason I've been absent is the perpetual elephant in the room An awakening of sorts for me.  But what an awakening - every piece of my heart sings or sinks at any given moment.  On the one hand it's lovely to wake up to it but on the other hand - tear my heart out why dontcha?  I'd forgotten about this part... I'm reminded of John Hughes' movie 16 Candles.  The dad gives a newly 16 year old Molly Ringwald some fatherly advice:

Sam: "I know, but it hurts..."
Sam's Dad: "Thats why they call them crushes, if they were easy they'd call 'em something else."

And so from someone who lost their father at 16 and who never had the chance to have a bit of fatherly advice; thanks John Hughes.  I get it.  It hurts.  Everything at the moment hurts.

Labels: boys, death, love, love or lust, memories, memory, nostalgia

posted by M at 1:39 am 5 comments

Now that I'm almost all recovered from the surgery I miss being looked after.

There is something so intrinsic about humans being looked after I think.  It speaks of safety, loyalty, support, love and survival and I don't think it's any coincidence between that notion and the fact that most of us end up that state of coupledom that we call 'love'.

For me, living back at home on my own I'm finding myself incredibly exhausted by keeping this machine running.  The machine is not so much my own body, but the machine of daily societal existence.  I suppose this is what we do, us humans, we keep this machine running.  We get the bins out on time, pay the bills, keep ourselves fed, washed, on time to various events and work.  We are in a constant state of "ongoingness" and that is essential to us being productive members of a society that is constantly watching that we make the right moves.  Right now, I miss all these things not really mattering.  I miss letting someone else taking care of it all.  I miss leaning backward precariously, knowing I would be caught by strong arms.  I suppose that notion (letting someone else do it) is very un-feminist of me.  Surely as a educated, strong minded, card carrying member of the bourgeois you'd think I'd just want to get on with it and forge my own path out of that big old granite mountain ahead of me using nothing but my wits - but to be honest, folk I can't be fucked.  I just can't.

Yes "ongoingness" is relentlessly difficult at the moment and I'm absolutely exhausted with the effort of trying.  I know that the moment one stops is the moment things fall apart and I, my friends cannot afford to let things fall apart again.  You cannot survive without keeping the machine running.  This much I know for certain.

I envy those who have a dashing (and sexy) co-pilot.  It must be nice to know that come what may you can switch off the main controls and just let someone else navigate that flight path while you get some well earned zzzzzzzzzzzz.  Sure, sometimes you'll have to man the controls but you'll be all the more rested coming into it surely.  Sharing the load is always the better option and makes ongoingness all the more palatable.

Labels: love, musings, sick, stupid events which highlight the obsession society has with pairing everyone up, wonderings

posted by M at 12:55 am 3 comments

I see him every day. He stands so confidently in his own space, looking so strong, so capable, so handsome. My drive in to work wouldn't be the same without his winning grin and twinkle in his eye to see me off.

In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you




...cartoon guy on the sign at the local Autocare shop.

Labels: boys, inappropriate thoughts, love, love or lust

posted by M at 12:45 am 4 comments

Stuff I'm just loving right now.

Innovative Internets:

Wainy Days

(That link takes you straight to the site mydamnchannel which has all the episodes - is better quality than below - YouTube version)



This is a new internet channel show (actually it's been around for a while) created by the masterful and hilarious David Wain (whom I am going to go on record right now as LOVING and wanting to have his babies). The show takes a look at the dating dos and do nots of a perpetually single guy in his late 30s living in NYC. So far there are 20 episodes of completely inappropriate humour that often goes way too far and answers the eternal question: So THAT'S what they're really thinking. Okay, not really but it's HILARIOUS. Love how all the friends work in a sweat shop. What's with that?

Many special guest stars - mostly from old projects like The State, Stella and Wet Hot American Summer.

I love this show so much it hurts <3<3<3

(If you're over at MyDamnChannel I also highly recommend the soap opera spoof "Horrible People" and "You Suck at Photoshop" which are both also HILARIOUS!)


US Cable TV

Dexter.

This one is old news but for those who have not been initiated yet Dexter is the nicest sociopathic serial killer you could ever hope to meet. He's on the Miami Police Force payroll as a blood splatter expert and he only kills people who really deserve it. Honest. No one has a clue that he's a serial killer...well not yet anyway. His adopted father (a cop) taught him how to cover his tracks and Dexter has been following his golden rules to great success so far. The problem is that his sister's also on the force and she's getting a little too close for comfort...

A must see, definitely one of the best shows coming out of the US.


Superficial TV

Greek

Only a few people are really going to appreciate this one but I'm putting it out there anyway. Take one big Geek from high school and put him in college (sounding a little like Undeclared so far eh?) where his geekiness shines on like a crazy diamond. The problem is that his sister is the most popular girl on campus - uh oh. Bro comes along and makes friends with his sister's secret ex boyfriend who is not exactly the kind of clean cut all American boy that sis wants to be associated with anymore. Things start to get a little complicated for all concerned when it turns out that sis still has a thing for the bad boy ...which is probably not a good idea, since she's going out with Mr Big Man on Campus.

Seriously much less superficial than I've made it sound. No really it is. Okay not that much less superficial, but still good tele.

The lead guy is also in the show "Quarterlife", which started out like Wainy Days, as an internet short. It centers around a 20-something girl who blogs all day about her friends and housemates. Unfortunately they all discover her blog and she has to explain herself.

Reality TV

Project Runway.

I have been loving this show for years now. It never gets old. Take a bunch of struggling fashion designers and give them horrendously early deadlines by which to finish major pieces of fashion extravaganza that are challenging to make (ie: using only materials from the Hersey's chocolate store??). Then they all parade their models down the catwalk and the worst outfit is eliminated with a swift auf Wiedersehen from host; Heidi Klum. Brilliant and engaging reality TV! The contestants are amazingly talented people with a desire to succeed. The prize is a show at New York Fashion week and money to start your own business. As someone related to a fashion designer I know how difficult this industry is. The real star of the show however is Tim Gunn who is the contestant's mentor and father figure.

"Make it work!" <3


Retro Love

You know how back in the old days you'd make a mix tape for the people you love? Do you feel that a mix CD is a bit ...I dunno; sterile? Do you actually know anyone who still plays tapes with any kind of regularity?

I love me a mix tape and here you have all the joy of a mix tape without the fuss of actually dealing with rewinding and fast forwarding through the songs you hate (for youngies...yes that's what we used to do back in the old days). It's a USB stick of around 60minutes of playing time that fits nicely into the tape for packaging purposes. You get to scribble all over the liner card and the gift recipient gets to keep a lovely keepsake while still enjoying the convenience of plugging that sucker into the laptop and downloading all those songs onto his/her ipod. Seriously, cool AND filled with squishy retro love.

Oz TV

Underbelly

click link to go to a video news story about the show and murders

All this killing and stuff went right on in my backyard (so to speak). Makes ya proud don't it? Yeah, okay maybe not. Carl Williams is apparently unhappy with his portrayal on the show. Christ, beggars can't be choosers mate.

Oz Blog

The Breakfast Blog

Right now he's in Boston so it's all a bit pointless and boring, but once he gets back to Melbourne it'll be full steam ahead for The Breakfast Blog. The thing I love about this site, besides the fact that it details one of my favourite things (a good breakie ...that I don't have to cook) the site is remarkably easy to navigate and just all round informative. It gives you details on the price (with the nifty price index tag), tells you where the place is, indexes in alphabetical order, location AND by top scores. I love it. I use it. It's brilliant and Jamie is rarely wrong. The man knows a good breakfast!

Bless!

Games:

Scrabulous

I know I should somehow feel ashamed but actually I don't. I am, for the record the world's WORST scrabble player. I did not grow up playing scrabble on Sunday evenings and drinking chocolate milk while my parents played footsies with each other under the coffee table while listening to Tapestry on the record player. Sorry, you must have be mixed up with the Keatons or the Seavers. I think I must be trying to relive the youth I never had or something because I'm totally into the scrabble revival!

Yes, I totally look up words online and cheat. pfcha! Course!

Magazines

Nylon. It's quirky, it's Rock N Roll, it's totally fashion oriented but in a completely approachable way (finally!). It's just fun. It doesn't feel like it's only for girls though I suppose girls mostly read it. It's a little on the expensive side though.

There is an Australian magazine which I love just as much: Frankie - and REALLY love the fact that it comes with a rip out poster that I always put aside and use as wrapping paper. I like a mag that provides a little something extra.

Poster - dude, because Ro edits it and because it's swish and glam and makes me wish I was about a million times more stylish than I actually am. It's art, fashion, it's a city scape all in one - it's not your usual kind of magazine. This one is seriously going to go places. It already has in fact. <3

Book

Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics - Sasha Cagen

Reading To-Do List recently made me go back and re-read this old gem which Cagen wrote first. I'm more convinced now than ever that I'm a bona fide quirkyalone. It's a manifesto for all those eternally single people - not just girls mind you. Read the essay here. It explains a lot.





Movie

The King Of Kong

I recently went to see this little documentary for a laugh but I became so emotionally involved that I almost scared myself. In fact the whole cinema was booing and cheering a long with it - unheard of in Melbourne!

If you go see one thing at the cinema this year make it this movie - go RIGHT NOW. You will not regret it - you can not make this stuff up. This is a documentary about playing the arcade game Donkey Kong - remember that one? Anyone who was a kid in the 80s would remember the game, it's a classic. This documentary shows the seedy underbelly of video gaming - a side of gaming that is run by manipulation, threat and a man frightened of losing his world record score to a newcomer.

It's so very good. <3<3


And there you have the stuff I'm loving right now.

What are you loving? Share!

Labels: love, media, music, pop culture, stuff, TV, weird things

posted by M at 10:56 pm 17 comments

The other day I serendipitously found a discarded DVD from unknown origins on the street, which I immediately popped into my player and discovered it was that new gangland inspired Aussie mini-series (my story and I'm sticking to it). You see, due to the fact that all this mafia malarky happened not that far from where I'm sitting right now and is still being trialled in this fair city us Melbournians are yet to see the show on our television screens this is despite the fact that the rest of you sods have seen it. Seems a little unfair but hey, whaddya gonna do? (find a copy on a street, probably).

Anyway the discarded DVD from unknown origins held about three episodes of the show and I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with it. As a fan of The Sopranos I expected our version to be well not quite right. It's different, and it should be - but it's real and gritty, which is exactly how things are. It's well made, well acted and fucking scary. Not scary in the horror movie sense but scary in that it's all true - or near enough anyway - to be a worry. Killing people because of "business" or just because you didn't like their face is a truth that happens in this world. I can't imagine a world more far removed from my own but it exists right outside my door anyway. I guess I never really had to think about it because it never actually involved the likes of me but thinking about it further I realise that maybe we are all affected, even if we don't realise it.

The mini-series takes a bit of a 'play by play' account of what went on in the hey day of the gangland murders in Melbourne. It starts with the origins and then moves into how things got out of hand and with whom. What interests me aside from the details is the innocent bystanders that get suckered into the vortex of organised crime without actually meaning to. I mean, the people who happen to be standing nearby on a bad day, but more so the people that fall in love with the criminals themselves and then somehow are implicated into all the violence and lawlessness.

Many of the storylines about these mafia men also focus on the women around them. So far there's been the friend of the girl who is sleeping with the gangster who witnesses a cold blooded murder. She decides to testify but immediately it becomes apparent that actually she's not going to testify at all, she's going to go on a long trip to London with her friend and hopefully never be seen again.

Then there's the Stripper - the ex wife of a bikie who washes her hands clean of the bloke but he says he's with her at the time he commits a murder she decides to testify that actually no he wasn't with her at all and so she's gunned down in bed, after the trial has been said and done. A revenge killing.

I'm sure there are many more similar stories of people who have gotten involved on the outskirts of crime but who are affected - simply because they fell in love with the people committing the crimes. Maybe they knew they were criminals before they got involved with them - maybe it became apparent later - but in any case these people are involved without directly being involved (if you know what I mean). I wonder if there are stories of men who marry women who are either in the crime world or who are daughters of crime figures - who then do something wrong (by the girl) but are then killed ...you know just because they can be.

I wonder about these people who fall in love with criminals or people associated with criminals. I think that if I came across a bloke who had dubious connections I would run a country mile - at least I hope I would. But who knows how the heart will react?

I guess you could say that if you get involved with crime then you suffer the implications but I wonder if the heart really has a stronger say in the matter.

What if you fell in love, I mean real love, with a man/woman who was involved in crime somehow? Would you ignore your heart and walk away or would you take your chances and stay with them? Can your heart ever really be ignored? And if your heart CAN be ignored, then is anyone who ever gets involved with a no hoper of some kind ever really a victim?

Also, what I'm dying to ask but not sure if I should is; would you ever testify against your ex/current if they did something unlawful? What if they threatened your kid or you if you testified? Would you testify anyway? Is this too explosive a question to ask?

Labels: Crazy Nutters, law, loony loony loony, love, news, pop culture, relationships, TV

posted by M at 8:13 pm 11 comments

Weekend of sniffles has developed into a full blown cold. I woke too late to justify ringing in so despite reservations I went on in to work. Big mistake. Trying to read the roll while you're tearing up and blowing your nose isn't all that easy. Attempting to create an art display that isn't wonky when your brain is hazy isn't a sinch either. Of course, in order to commiserate with the teary eyes and blowy nose my chin has sprouted a huge zit the size of Mt Kosciusko. Nice, thanks.

As I mentioned, my weekend was filled with mostly nothingness. I snuggled under the covers to watch Singles - you know, that old Cameron Crowe movie. I love this movie. For pretty much everything after and including Jerry Maguire Cameron Crowe went to shitsville and stayed there - but before that, he was a God.

Basically Singles chronicles the daily happenings of a group of 20 somethings that live in a block of single apartments - and hey, they're all single and looking for love! Hence; Singles.

It's a quirky sort of movie - a nod to the Seattle grunge music scene as much as it is to an exploration of single life.

There is a few things I really about this movie:
1) Seasons - Chris Cornell

This was probably the first song of Chris Cornell I had heard where he didn't spend some part of the song screaming. For the record, I think that he has one of the best screaming voices ever. I adore it. But this song - so melancholy, so sweet, so..true.





2) This photograph by Doisneau. One character remarks that he thought love should be like that photo. Oblivion. I don't know about that but I adore the photo and I do love the sentiment.




3) Questions for you, because I'm curious, because I really don't know what to think myself..

Do you think you can ever go back to a former love? Does anyone ever break up for the wrong reasons or is the breakup itself a reason never to go back (ie: if you break up then even if it's subconscious you did it for a true reason)?

Can love happen from making a list and ticking it off (a la RSVP.com.au etc)?

Does love happen from a spark, a connection, a something that tells you - this is something special here or can it just happen over time..like building a house brick by brick?

Is playing hard to get for girls the way to go in order to get your guy, or is that just high school immature stuff? How hard is playing too hard?

Would you ever cut in on a friend's love interest or ex?

Labels: love, musical monday, questions, school, sick

posted by M at 5:49 pm 30 comments

This morning I woke up at about 4am or so thinking oh shit, reports! Every time I tried to fall back into dreams I was driven back to waking life with the nervous tension brought on by adrenaline and stress. I don't know how people function in personalities which are constant and even - living at an even pace because they are planner or whatever. I don't know how they do it, but it sure would be nice to experience that just to see.

I gave up on sleep and went for the tele instead, but as anyone living in this wide brown land will tell you, the only thing on at that time are TV evangelists. Personally I think they're a laugh riot and I'll quite happily watch them. They're very good at what they do - I'm not exactly what you'd call a devout Catholic (read: heathen) but half way through This is Your Life (or was it This is Your Day? meh) I'm usually on my feet yelling Praise Jesus! with the rest of the crowd. As I said, they're very good. I don't know if TV evangelists have a gift from God, but I do know they have the gift of the gab. There's a difference - usually that difference is money but I guess it depends on who you ask.

I don't really want to go into my own journey with religion. I am not completely taken by the devil, but I am also not one for prayer. I grew up with a lot of prayer around me and I don't know if it gets you closer to God or even is the language of God. Sometimes I think it's an excuse not to be responsible for yourself - Catholicism especially asks you to turn to prayer if you do something wrong - as if prayer absolves you somehow of the responsibility of your actions. Sorry, I don't really believe that - especially if you're reciting poetry - but I understand that it gives comfort where there might otherwise be none. For me though, official prayer is the word of man (and I do mean man at the exclusion of women) not God at all. Maybe making up your own is the way to go - if there is a God, surely he's sick of the same old Our Fathers being said over and over and OVER. I'd sure as hell want some variety.

I guess that part of me that will happily watch a TV evangelist is the same part of me that will be interested in church (err, at Christmas) despite not being a religophile (made up word). I don't see them as teachings exactly but I do like listening to people's points of view and usually it encourages me to think about my own life and own experiences - even if I don't necessarily agree with the message itself. I like explanations of everyday life, even if it is through the proxy of the bible.

This morning after the discussion: "if President Bush needed prayer to make an important decision would you know what to pray about?" - which immediately sparked a woman to start speaking in tongues (err, yes, the language of Bush - apparently) there was a woman on the tele called Beth Moore who was talking about oppression. Despite being a few short of a 6 pack her "sermon" was interesting. Her starting point:

Genesis 29:32 (KJV) And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.

She focused on that idea of feeling that by changing who we are and living for others because we are afraid of not "being loved" (or approved of) is oppression. She argued that affliction in the case of the bible verse really meant oppression and that real oppression is when we allow others to dictate our self worth.

Through half sleepy eyes, I wondered about all the women I know, including myself, who have changed themselves in some way in order to "be loved" and how exhausting it is to live your life in accordance with someone elses idea of what you should be. When you think that someone else is going to withdraw love, or even not give you approval because you are who you are, then it's akin to living in fear isn't it? How many of us live in that constant shadow of fear of not being loved or good enough and will sacrifice a sense of self in order to ensure that 'love happens'? A great lot of us I'd think. So how many of us are really walking around not being ourselves? Don't we trust our of sense of self worth? Does everyone measure themselves in accordance with what others think of them? And can that ever result in love?

oh - I gotta go, Benny Hinn is about to bless me.

Labels: boys, crap reality tele, dirty femmo, God, love, questions

posted by M at 5:24 am 24 comments