Tuesday, July 02, 2013


Now that I'm almost all recovered from the surgery I miss being looked after.

There is something so intrinsic about humans being looked after I think.  It speaks of safety, loyalty, support, love and survival and I don't think it's any coincidence between that notion and the fact that most of us end up that state of coupledom that we call 'love'.

For me, living back at home on my own I'm finding myself incredibly exhausted by keeping this machine running.  The machine is not so much my own body, but the machine of daily societal existence.  I suppose this is what we do, us humans, we keep this machine running.  We get the bins out on time, pay the bills, keep ourselves fed, washed, on time to various events and work.  We are in a constant state of "ongoingness" and that is essential to us being productive members of a society that is constantly watching that we make the right moves.  Right now, I miss all these things not really mattering.  I miss letting someone else taking care of it all.  I miss leaning backward precariously, knowing I would be caught by strong arms.  I suppose that notion (letting someone else do it) is very un-feminist of me.  Surely as a educated, strong minded, card carrying member of the bourgeois you'd think I'd just want to get on with it and forge my own path out of that big old granite mountain ahead of me using nothing but my wits - but to be honest, folk I can't be fucked.  I just can't.

Yes "ongoingness" is relentlessly difficult at the moment and I'm absolutely exhausted with the effort of trying.  I know that the moment one stops is the moment things fall apart and I, my friends cannot afford to let things fall apart again.  You cannot survive without keeping the machine running.  This much I know for certain.

I envy those who have a dashing (and sexy) co-pilot.  It must be nice to know that come what may you can switch off the main controls and just let someone else navigate that flight path while you get some well earned zzzzzzzzzzzz.  Sure, sometimes you'll have to man the controls but you'll be all the more rested coming into it surely.  Sharing the load is always the better option and makes ongoingness all the more palatable.

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