[Miscellany]

There is a term for people in my situation.
That is, souls who just can't figure out why they can't figure it out. Thus, to try to eleviate the status quo and find something worth blogging for (or living, I don't know) I'm... here I go... coming out of the closet.. I'm ..."in treatment".

What I'm "in treatment" for hasn't been given a name. Am I depressed? Nuts? Weird? Psychotic? Too thoughtful? Ridiculous? Yes, probably and I don't know. I've got to tell you, 11 year old me (whom I consult with quite a bit) wouldn't have believed you if you told her she'd be in treatment in 2011. Of course, 11 year old me would have thought 32 year old me would be living on the moon (true, I wrote an essay on it) instead of in an inner city suburb in Melbs but anyway.. I digress.

My err... what do we call her: My voice of reason (MVOR)? is a poised, thoughtful, intelligent, kind and insightful person who will interrupt my diatribes with highly reasonable examples of why I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I wish I was more like her, but I'm not. I'm the messy person who comes in with an overcooked imagination and disorganised handbag that spills everywhere, often in a bad mood from work and who sits on the couch and blabs, blabs, blabs in a way that is most unattrative and I'm sure highly yawnful.

I'm the opposite of what I want to be.
And what do I want to be?

...just normal... everyday...
simple really.
Not quite sure how many people actually achieve this so called simple stuff, but I'll give it a go.

Time to give someone else my kite string to anchor me for a while.
I've realised it's rather impossible to be the one holding it and flying at the same time.
You just get lost.

Labels: Crazy Nutters, in treatment, MVOR, nuts, talking cure, weird little happenings, weird things

posted by M at 7:20 pm 6 comments

Dear Ikea shopper,

You are a big wanker. Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, WANKER, WANKER, WANKER! ARGH!!

You've got your crappy do-it-yourself bed now MOVE ALONG CHUMP! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!

No, you DON'T have to double check every single FUCKING package at the checkout! Just don't! DON'T! You don't say to the checkout lady "hm, I think I might have 8 items" when in fact she scanned 7 and then spend the NEXT FIVE MINUTES searching endlessly for this mystery 8th item THAT ISN'T EVEN THERE. She scanned 7, GREAT! You just count your lucky stars that you're not paying for 8 and MOVE THE FUCK ALONG! No, don't INSIST on looking for it! The only think I insist is that you are a GRADE A (in capitals) WANKER. You know when you SHOULD have done that shit? WHEN YOU AND WIFEY WERE GETTING IT OFF THE FUCKING SHELF. Yes, checking items when you get them off the shelf may be like inventing fire to idiots like you but I maintain that it's a GREAT time to make sure you have your shit together. Guess what? There's TWO of you. that means that one gets it off the shelf and the other one DOES NOT STAND THERE GIGGLING LIKE SOME MORON, it's her job to check the shit so that you don't embarrass yourselves at the counter. How's that for a plan, team USA? Why would that be a good idea? Oh I don't know, maybe it's because people like me who know what they want are standing right behind you with my 1 item that should me about 2 MINUTES to get through the register with.. but nooooooo you turn what should have been an easy 2 minute journey into a 15 minute HELL RIDE TO SHITSVILLE!

I hate you....wanker!

Love,
Ikea shopper who actually knows what they are doing.




Dear people in charge of my Education region,


That conversation we had the other day really depressed me. I really felt like that was the last thing I needed to hear about my profession that day. I'm already hanging on by a thread.

For the record, no I don't think that teachers get too much PD and no I don't think that we should be doing more in house PD instead of going out and getting trained by specialists. No I don't think we should be letting the information filter down from teacher to teacher. When exactly do you think we have time to do all this in house networking? Do you realise how exhausted a day of teaching makes you? No, of COURSE you don't, you're a paper pusher. I don't think you understand very much at all. If you stop training teachers to be BETTER teachers then you will get exactly what you foster: CRAP TEACHERS WHO NEVER LEARN ANYTHING NEW.

I feel sad. I feel abandoned by the very people who are supposed to represent my needs. But you don't. You represent the almighty dollar. I don't know if I want to be part of your organisation anymore.

You suck!

Love,

Disillusioned teacher.




Dear Parent who came into my classroom today,

Thank you for saying what you said. Yes I'm chuffed that my group of parents "feel very, very lucky to have Miss F as a teacher". I thought it would be the opposite because of the art room thing. Personally I think being in the art room for a couple of years has made me a better CLASSROOM teacher than I was before but I never thought that parents would give me a chance. I thought I would have been eaten alive without a trail. I'm so happy that you said that my reputation pre-art and in the classroom proceeded me.

Thank you!

Love,

Your Daughter's Teacher.




Dear Friend,

I love you, I really do but I think it's totally bogan to go to the bottle shop and buy one of those little bottles of bubbly and drink it at a restaurant without ordering anything else.

Sorry, no I won't join you in a glass - I'm going to actually order something off the menu.

Am a bit Shocked to tell you the truth.

Me.




Dear S,

No, updating your "status" as "moving house" isn't actually the same as letting someone know that you've moved. We've only known each other for ooo... 18 years so I thought I'd at least qualify for a text.

Access to technology is great but it's not a substitute for good old fashioned courtesy.

Love,

Well, Not Love...Obviously.





Dear #1,

Love Baby S. I really do. I will sit and listen to all the crappy stories about how he bumps into walls and won't fall asleep. I'll sympathise and empathise and other "ises" ...anything, you're my friend. HOWEVER, being at the 1st birthday party was excruciating! I hated every second of it. It's no place for a single gal. You babied up folk are ...well you're really down right scary sometimes. It's frightening and I wanted to leave about 10 minutes after I got there. I really don't belong and I'm not sure I want to belong either. You're all cuckoo for coco pops - sorry but it's true. I hope you're not offended. I DID buy a really cool present.

Love,

Weirded out by babied up people.



Dear Mazda Driver,

I have memorised your car. Get on the Freeway going 80kms again and I swear to God I will hunt you down and rip out your still-beating heart. You think I have anger management issues? Well you're quite possibly right but you STILL need to get the in the left lane and STAY THERE FOREVER bucko! Or better yet, take a taxi. I don't understand why people like you even WANT to get on the freeway in the first place. What's the attraction: Pissing people off? We have plenty of roads out there where you can go 60kms or EVEN 40kms on school days! Sounds like your kind of speed to me.

Love

Late for Work and other Appointments.

Labels: Crazy Nutters, crazy people, letters, rant, school

posted by M at 10:47 pm 11 comments

The other day I serendipitously found a discarded DVD from unknown origins on the street, which I immediately popped into my player and discovered it was that new gangland inspired Aussie mini-series (my story and I'm sticking to it). You see, due to the fact that all this mafia malarky happened not that far from where I'm sitting right now and is still being trialled in this fair city us Melbournians are yet to see the show on our television screens this is despite the fact that the rest of you sods have seen it. Seems a little unfair but hey, whaddya gonna do? (find a copy on a street, probably).

Anyway the discarded DVD from unknown origins held about three episodes of the show and I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with it. As a fan of The Sopranos I expected our version to be well not quite right. It's different, and it should be - but it's real and gritty, which is exactly how things are. It's well made, well acted and fucking scary. Not scary in the horror movie sense but scary in that it's all true - or near enough anyway - to be a worry. Killing people because of "business" or just because you didn't like their face is a truth that happens in this world. I can't imagine a world more far removed from my own but it exists right outside my door anyway. I guess I never really had to think about it because it never actually involved the likes of me but thinking about it further I realise that maybe we are all affected, even if we don't realise it.

The mini-series takes a bit of a 'play by play' account of what went on in the hey day of the gangland murders in Melbourne. It starts with the origins and then moves into how things got out of hand and with whom. What interests me aside from the details is the innocent bystanders that get suckered into the vortex of organised crime without actually meaning to. I mean, the people who happen to be standing nearby on a bad day, but more so the people that fall in love with the criminals themselves and then somehow are implicated into all the violence and lawlessness.

Many of the storylines about these mafia men also focus on the women around them. So far there's been the friend of the girl who is sleeping with the gangster who witnesses a cold blooded murder. She decides to testify but immediately it becomes apparent that actually she's not going to testify at all, she's going to go on a long trip to London with her friend and hopefully never be seen again.

Then there's the Stripper - the ex wife of a bikie who washes her hands clean of the bloke but he says he's with her at the time he commits a murder she decides to testify that actually no he wasn't with her at all and so she's gunned down in bed, after the trial has been said and done. A revenge killing.

I'm sure there are many more similar stories of people who have gotten involved on the outskirts of crime but who are affected - simply because they fell in love with the people committing the crimes. Maybe they knew they were criminals before they got involved with them - maybe it became apparent later - but in any case these people are involved without directly being involved (if you know what I mean). I wonder if there are stories of men who marry women who are either in the crime world or who are daughters of crime figures - who then do something wrong (by the girl) but are then killed ...you know just because they can be.

I wonder about these people who fall in love with criminals or people associated with criminals. I think that if I came across a bloke who had dubious connections I would run a country mile - at least I hope I would. But who knows how the heart will react?

I guess you could say that if you get involved with crime then you suffer the implications but I wonder if the heart really has a stronger say in the matter.

What if you fell in love, I mean real love, with a man/woman who was involved in crime somehow? Would you ignore your heart and walk away or would you take your chances and stay with them? Can your heart ever really be ignored? And if your heart CAN be ignored, then is anyone who ever gets involved with a no hoper of some kind ever really a victim?

Also, what I'm dying to ask but not sure if I should is; would you ever testify against your ex/current if they did something unlawful? What if they threatened your kid or you if you testified? Would you testify anyway? Is this too explosive a question to ask?

Labels: Crazy Nutters, law, loony loony loony, love, news, pop culture, relationships, TV

posted by M at 8:13 pm 11 comments

Dear Corey,

How can I put this?

You make me want to tear out my womb and feed it to the German Shepherds who live down the road.

love,
Sick of the Yellow Sunglasses from Supre.



Dear Babied up people of the world,

Do not ring your spinster friend and then spend that time on the phone talking to your child instead. Spinster friend has got a shitlist.

It's getting longer.

Love
Spinster Friend.



Dear Creators of the show "Ready Steady Cook"

I'm going to miss watching you when I go back to work next week. Yes I really am that pathetic. I do have one question though. Does it REALLY count when you create a dish and use the contestant's "special ingredient" only as a garnish? Surely this is cheating!

Love,
Uptight Viewer.



Dear Girl sitting near me at the Cinemas the other day,

Your BO was so bad I couldn't concentrate on the movie! I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE! I actually took out my peppermint flavoured MIGRANE STICK and pretty much stuffed it up my nose just so I didn't have to smell YOU.

I don't think people need to smell flower fresh every second of the day but why sit near me when the cinema was practically empty. SO many other seats! A VAST NUMBER OF SEATS AAAAALLLL OVER THE PLACE. But hey, sure, sit right near me, no worries.

Love,
Very Serious About Having Good Movie Experience.


Dear Mother on the Beach with her Toddler the other day,

When your little boy pointed at that young, muscle bound dude who had just come in from his swim and exclaimed "Daddy" I smiled. You see, I had seen "daddy" when your family arrived earlier. He was middle aged, pudgy, was wearing full zinc on his nose and had a Gilligan bucket hat on his head. But when you looked down at your boy and said (complete with dead pan delivery) - "nooooooope, Daddy's body looks nothing like that" I laughed out loud.

Thanks for the laugh.

Girl Hiding Behind Book.



Dear Tom Cruise,

Listen here you little FREAK. What the fuck is up? I mean dude, WHAT IS UP with your threads? Is Xenu making you wear turtlenecks? Are you channeling an 8 year old circa 1986 for your hair style? Are you fucking mental? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE WITH SQUIlLLIONS OF DOLLARS AND PERSONAL ASSISTANTS WHO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, (PROBABLY EVEN WIPING YOUR ARSE), CAN MAKE SUCH GRAVE MISTAKES REGARDING FASHION LATELY! THIS IS NO TIME FOR PLAYING AROUND WITH SKIVVIES UNDER DRESS JACKETS - PEOPLE ALREADY THINK THAT YOU ARE A FREAKSHOW BONANZA AND THIS ISN'T HELPING MATTERS ANY.

CLEAN IT UP TOP GUN!

SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS BUT YOU MAKE ME VERY ANGRY FOR SOME REASON!

Love,
Not a Fan.


Dear Beastie Boys,

I'm a long time fan. You make me want to grab my womb back from the German Shepherds and put it right back in.

Seriously, I can't say this enough; you are fabulous.

Love
Me.


An Open Letter to NYC - Beastie Boys



Sabotage - Beastie Boys




*EDIT*

Here's a crappy meme - as you will soon see it's scarily accurate..

The rules were
1) Put ipod on shuffle
2) every answer = a shuffled song.
3) the song that randomly comes up is the answer.

I tag all of you to do it!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
saturday's night's alright for fighting - elton john

Yes, well - you see sometimes it's good to fight.


2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Tame - Pixies

Depends on the person - however maybe this is a consequence of #3.

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Licking Stick - James Brown

Ipod has done it again! I plead the fifth.

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Hanky Panky - Madonna

um, can I plead the 5th again? Oh look, there's a lovely butterfly over there..look! *run*

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
where the wild roses grow - nick cave

Oh goody, my life purpose is to die at the hands of a blood thirsty murderer. I will however look absolutely smashing while floating face up in a filthy lake.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Mayfair song - air

yes...well I have no idea what that is about. Perhaps I like playing monopoly a little TOO much

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
c'etait toi (you were the one) - billy joel

Why thank you! (Though I suppose the question is what do you REALLY think of me now that you know I have this song on my ipod?)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
holiday - madonna

quite. I always did wish for an extended holiday from them.

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
tu quieres volver - gipsy kings

I agree. I do think in other languages I don't understand very often.

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
soul bossa nova - quincy jones

Is it any wonder I almost failed stats in uni?

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I can't make it on time - The Ramones

Ipod knows I'm often late when meeting friends.

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
women - the easybeats

You see, ipod is also hinting that the end of my spinsterhood will be through lesbianism. Good one ipod, I shall look into it!

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Let it Be - The Beatles

lordy, this thing is good.

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
put your head on my shoulder - paul anka

ahhh, yes. You see this harks back to the days in my early teens when I actually wanted to be a disembodied head atop of someone elses shoulders. It was a short lived dream really - not a lot of money in it. Glad I went into teaching instead.

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
courage - sarah polly

absolutely. Lots and lots of courage pounding through my veins... Then I run like hell.

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
gave up - nin

yes, hence the needing of a holiday.

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I say a little prayer - dion warwick

good lord, I'm thinking the poor sod will be the one saying prayers but anyway.

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
psycho therapy - the ramones

hahahhaha, of course!

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
an american trilogy - elvis presley

Indeed, you see I'm much into popular culture, bad food and taking over small developing nations simply by using economic manipulation and brute force. Very American of me.

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
stuck on you - lionel ritchie

Apparently my biggest secret is actually the fact that I have Lionel Ritchie on my ipod but anyway. Aren't I glad to have that one out of the bag?

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
waiting - elizabeth daily

Currently waiting for their babies to grow up so that I get my friends back actually. Good one ipod - clever clogs!

22. WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR LOVE?
China - tori amos

hm, ipod is being quite obscure here. Has it got something to do with giving up my current life and moving overseas to China where I will be showered with many diamonds and treated like a queen? Yes, I think that's what Ipod might be saying.

oh wait, this is what *I'd* do for love, isn't it? um, well maybe I will move to china and ...start selling china goods for cheap prices to the foreign market - maybe my future love is in trade of some kind. Yesss. The more I think about it the more sense it makes.

23. WHAT IS YOUR STANCE ON RELIGION?
I don't like it like this - The Radio Dept.

Ipod obviously knows I was raised a catholic and now am disgruntled and confused.

24. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR JOB?
Cold Hearted Snake - Paula Abdul

Christ, ipod not only have you outed that I have Paula Abdul on my ipod but you've really hit the nail on the head about my workplace too!

25. OTHER BLOGGERS THINK THIS ABOUT YOU.
Release - pearl jam

From the looney bin I suppose.
You smug bastards!

Labels: crap cook, Crazy Nutters, crazy people, letters, media, meme, musical monday, pop culture, rant

posted by M at 11:49 pm 27 comments

** There certainly seems to be a wealth of strong opinion on our PM John Howard's comments about political candidate Barak Obama's plan to take troops out of Iraq by 2008. Should Australians be weighing into American politics? I in no way shape or form align myself politically with John Howard but I do believe that when it comes to Iraq, it's something that concerns us too. Australian politics doesn't affect the American way of life in the same way that American politics affects us. I loved Barak's retort that if Australia is so passionate about it, why don't we send more troops in? Ha, indeed!

I've seen clips from US News and current affairs shows which ridicule the move. Fine. I have no problem with that, however Australians will remember in 2004 when US President GW Bush argued that Labour Leader Mark Latham's promise to take Australian troops our of Iraq was "disastrous". Then, to add to the debate, senator John Kerry also put his two cents in about Mark Latham as well! Talk about a bunch of hypocrites! It's okay for them to weigh into our politics but not for us to do the same to them? Apparently so. In any case - what do you think? Should opinions about other countries' elections be made known from leaders in countries which are seemingly not 'involved'?

** Meanwhile in slightly weirder news wacko Queenslander (Townsville) Shane Knuth has proposed a Cane Toad Bounty to clean up Australia. Yes, apparently since environmental science hasn't yet got rid of the pests, Knuth believes that the answer to cleaning up our cane toad problem should be left in the hands of young Australians - who under this new idea will be paid to "collect" (read: bludgeon) cane toads by the bag full. How much is a cane toad worth I hear you ask? About 40cents each, baby! Let's get cracking! I remember in the 80s it was all the rage to collect alumminium drink cans, squash 'em down and then get paid a buck per kilo. Cane toad squashing is a much more lucrative money making venture than can collecting. Of course it's messier, and there's all that poison in their glands but hey...FORTY CENTS!!

QLDers who read this blog: Is Townsville by any chance considered the "Tasmania" of QLD?

**In the weirdest news of all, check this out. That's right, dating by natural selection! That is only SUPER RICH guys (200K + - the salary needs to go up the older you are - financial data needs to be submitted) are paired with only STUNNING women (photo submitted and beauty is judged). Could this work?

"They" say that men are visual creatures - but this dating idea also has the added factor that says that men can be as visual as they want but if you earn an average, or even high average or ever super average wage then you can forget it. Only if you're a MILLIONAIRE do you get to partake in the bounty of female beauty - otherwise shut yer trap. Interesting. Do I think this is a bit on the disgusting side? Um, yes - it's horrific. What do you think? Can it work? What about the rest of us schmoes?

Labels: average guys don't get to judge women on their beauty, average women don't get to judge men on their salaries, Crazy Nutters, men, political musings, women, wonderings

posted by M at 9:12 am 24 comments