[Miscellany]

There is a term for people in my situation.
That is, souls who just can't figure out why they can't figure it out. Thus, to try to eleviate the status quo and find something worth blogging for (or living, I don't know) I'm... here I go... coming out of the closet.. I'm ..."in treatment".

What I'm "in treatment" for hasn't been given a name. Am I depressed? Nuts? Weird? Psychotic? Too thoughtful? Ridiculous? Yes, probably and I don't know. I've got to tell you, 11 year old me (whom I consult with quite a bit) wouldn't have believed you if you told her she'd be in treatment in 2011. Of course, 11 year old me would have thought 32 year old me would be living on the moon (true, I wrote an essay on it) instead of in an inner city suburb in Melbs but anyway.. I digress.

My err... what do we call her: My voice of reason (MVOR)? is a poised, thoughtful, intelligent, kind and insightful person who will interrupt my diatribes with highly reasonable examples of why I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I wish I was more like her, but I'm not. I'm the messy person who comes in with an overcooked imagination and disorganised handbag that spills everywhere, often in a bad mood from work and who sits on the couch and blabs, blabs, blabs in a way that is most unattrative and I'm sure highly yawnful.

I'm the opposite of what I want to be.
And what do I want to be?

...just normal... everyday...
simple really.
Not quite sure how many people actually achieve this so called simple stuff, but I'll give it a go.

Time to give someone else my kite string to anchor me for a while.
I've realised it's rather impossible to be the one holding it and flying at the same time.
You just get lost.

Labels: Crazy Nutters, in treatment, MVOR, nuts, talking cure, weird little happenings, weird things

posted by M at 7:20 pm 6 comments

* Whenever I come back from holidays I look magnificent. I'm rested. I'm manicured and I'm stress free. Give me three days and I'm back to being an old hag with chipped nails and crazy eyes. What is it about work that just does your head in? I mean why can't we all just have jobs where you get to work, swan around, drink your coffee and then spend the rest of the day on facebook/blogger/email/whatever else peeps do these days and then leave right on the dot and arrive home with your lipstick still on? My lipstick lasts literally 30 minutes.

* I've been getting a few misdirected emails lately. There was the one about pet sitting - it was a couple of emails actually. Can you sit with the pet for the first one and the second email was sort of like "great job but we found the door unlocked, please don't leave the door unlocked". I've also had a couple of specific party invitations to people I don't know, FROM people I don't know. Is this happening to anyone else? At first I thought it was a spam thing but the emails are really quite specific and personal. Are spammers getting cleverer or am I getting dumber?

* Am back on the house hunting bandwagon. Great time to be out on the lookout eh? FINANCIAL CRISIS - MARKET CRASH - RECORD BANKRUPTCY. Ooohh, how 'bout I get out there and look for a house? yeah.

I'm already in the email wars with this estate agent. He's such a smarmy bastard. God, why are they so inhuman? Why can't they just be normal people? We had an argument about the price of an apartment. I thought it was unrealistic and told him straight out. Smarmy bastards hate it when girls have figured out they are idiots and let them know about it. Personally I think more girls should let smarmy bastards know that they think they are idiots, it would make them rethink their smarmyness if all girls kept knocking them down. I feel like I'm providing a service to everyone else out there. I really am. Ego stroking is so fucking 1980. We're already into 90s retro - time to get real! His next clients are going to be treated so nicely, mark my words. Aaaaanyway. So we disagreed on this price. He went to the trouble of conjuring up some auction results list which supposedly proved his point - which actually had no apartments on it, just houses. I mean, who the hell do these people think they are? You can't compare a house and an apartment and say that "therefore these prices are on par". I let him have it. He rang me recently saying that the "owners" had rethought their unrealistically high expectations. I hate saying I told you so - but you smarmy bastard - I told you so.

* I hear the first couple of episodes of Kath and Kim US season has debuted. Has anyone seen these? Kath and Kim (Oz) is a parody on suburban Melbourne life. The ladies who write and act the lead roles are brave performers. They take their normal middle aged bodies and make fun of them all the time. This is something that women on television do not normally do. This is something that women on American TV don't even contemplate. American TV is not about making women ugly. It's about making women who WATCH the shows FEEL ugly within themselves. Hence Kim being a chunky girl who thinks she's a hornbag (which is how it's supposed to be played) is not going to be played that way. Selma Blair is gorgeous and probably suffering an eating disorder (let's face it). In this day and age she IS a hornbag - she can't be walking around complaining that she's fat and being rejected by men all over the place. I mean it just doesn't work. It's not funny. It's not funny when an anorexic looking chick talks about weight. It's just not. It's just a psychologists appointment waiting to happen.

Therefore I have to ask. Why can't they just import the show and play the original on their tele? I mean, is American humour so unique and American culture so like a vacuum that they can't listen to other accents/learn about other cultures? Every other nation in the world just watches other shows from other nations, accents and all. We got no issue with it. Why should they? Why "Americanise" everything? Haven't they worked out that Americanising *anything* is just very, very bad?

* S was telling me about her guardian angels (spirit guides, whatever you call them) the other day. I dunno - do you believe you have a guardian angel of some kind? That is a specific "person" assigned to help you out in your life? If it's true I sort of feel sorry for mine. I mean, how boring for them.

* I checked my stats for the first time in about a million years. One of my referrals was "I'd love to fuck Kerri Anne Kennerly". Folks I feel so proud, you just have no idea. I'm having about a million pop-cultural orgasms at once.

* I think I'm going through a bit of a life transformation. Things are getting a bit weird. I don't know what to say about it, but things are shifting - not really forwards but sideways.

Labels: about me, house, houses, stressed teachers, weird little happenings, weird things

posted by M at 11:39 pm 14 comments

* Do you ever hide chocolate (or other forbidden items) around in hard to get places so that you can save them up for a really rainy day (ie: for when you're about 10 seconds from committing suicide using a blunt butter knife and a bobby pin). But about 1 day after you bury the forbidden item in the perfect place you find yourself excavating the site and like some woman gone wild suddenly you're ripping the wrapping off a bar of cadburys with your TEETH and making weird sounds that may or may not belong in a wild baboon tribe?

* Is it sad to actually feel a *real connection* with your pet fish Moe and truly believe that he recognises you when he comes to say hello each morning? Is it weird to make squishy lips at said pet through the glass bowl while he wags his tail like a dog and makes squishy lip faces back at you?

* Is it wrong to refer to a 10 year old as an arsehole? If so what would a GOOD alternative be that gives the same sense of satisfaction while saying it?

* Is it highly suspect to get into arguments with random internet people whose name you don't even know just for the sake of getting into an argument because you're feeling a little feisty?

* Do you ever talk to the television? What about the computer? How about your car? A tub of ice-cream? What I really want to know is do you ever talk to real people who aren't actually with you at the time that all this talking is going on?

* When bored do you decide your going to give yourself a makeover and spend 3 hours totally styling your hair using heated utensils and then going through every bit of make up and tool you own until you look like a cross between Marilyn Monroe and a drag queen?

* Do you ever buy tickets to bands you're not sure you can be bothered going to see because it's a school night and all you want to do is bury yourself under the covers with your latest excavation and a trashy book?

Just checking

Labels: dumb entry, questions, weird little happenings, weird things, wonderings

posted by M at 8:20 pm 26 comments

It was one of those unusually quiet mornings on Chapel. I sip my coffee with quiet contemplation, savouring the bitterness and waiting for it to wake me up. I sigh with the morning, or it sighs with me - the traffic drifts by in waves with engines roaring and then disappearing into the distance. I watch the figure slumped against the shop window across the road. It doesn't move.

I put my coffee down and reach into my bag to put on my glasses and squint. He doesn't move. I stare through gaps in the traffic at the people walking past him, stepping over his lifeless legs, glancing briefly and then walking on. Person after person in their designer sunglasses and polished manicures ignore him. I should do something, call someone, be a hero, do the right thing. I reach for my phone and ...hesitate.

At the same time as my internal crisis rages a young girl, a better girl than I, walks by and stops. She stares down at the man for a moment and walks into the shop to get help. Another young woman emerges with her, a customer service tag clearly identifying her as a shop girl. She looks around nervously. Another day, another body. It is Sunday morning on Chapel after all.

A girl crossing the road at this exact moment sees shop girl and girl huddled together and holds up her phone like a beacon of light as she hurries on towards them. After assessing the problem, she dials and speaks to someone. Young girl, shop girl and mobile girl all look down at the body slumped against the shop window. It hasn't moved at all. Perhaps there is still someone left in there. Then again, perhaps not.

Neither of the three girls is game to touch him. Shop girl leans in close than then pulls away. Young girl does the same and mobile girl looks around for the ambulance she has just called. Where are they?

Hero walks by; he is wearing Havaianas and work man shorts. This is either a man of many talents or a complete poseur. What Seems to be the matter girls? I imagine him asking. He, too peers closely at the body slumped in the window and suddenly pulls away. Perhaps there is an odour, or something equally offensive about the lifeless man. Hero scratches his head and looks at his companions. The others have already done their bit and he needs to up the ante. He leans down and yells hey! down at the guy. Nothing. Not a twitch. He gingerly leans in closer and closer until he is kneeling on the floor. He puts the man into the recovery position. Surely there is a life in there left to save.

They wait. Traffic begins to back up on Chapel as people in their cars slow to catch a glimpse of the show. I watch their rubbernecking, twisted heads and wide eyes as they struggle between a good view of the man and keeping an eye on the road. The sun beats down on the man in the recovery position. A homeless guy with all his worldly goods in tow has stopped in to have a look too. He speaks to the crowd gathered before moving off down the street in a slow shuffle.

The ambulance arrives without fanfare.

The boys get out of their vehicle and they walk towards the man. There is no rushing or yelling, everything is calm and measured. One ambulance guy leans in closely and says something to the man on the floor. Nothing. He reaches out a hand and does something I can't see through the cars in the traffic. The man stirs and awakes. I can feel the relief from here. The man gets up, stumbles and slurs something at the paramedics. He walks into the traffic and towards my side of the road but heads the other way. The boys look at each other scratching their heads and shrugging their shoulders. All in a days work, I guess.

Labels: decision and indecision, melbourne musings, sunday morning, weird little happenings

posted by M at 4:27 am 34 comments