[Miscellany]

The psychic is back in town. I know, I know - I'm flakey like that. I don't believe in psychics willy nilly, in fact I've never been to one before this one but this one had a family connection so I knew I could trust them - and then last year when I went she knew something about me that no one else knew - in such great detail mind you that I was left with no doubt in my mind at all...

Anyway - suffice to say, she's very good and now she's back.

I've decided to go again.

I've thought about the last 12 months since I saw her. I've thought about it a lot. I don't know if much has changed and I can't help thinking that's another year wasted. Since I'm breathing down the neck of 30 here time is the very last thing I want to waste. In the last year I've gone through a few really low lows and quite frankly I can't think of any high points at all. Most of all I feel like a year ago I was at a crossroad and now ...I'm still there! I was speaking to Fashion Cousin who since her visit last year has dramatically changed her outlook on life - the positivity there is astounding. She's had a lot of people believe in her as well and that has helped. As a contrast I'm feeling tired and really old. Not so much in years but something deeper inside me feels very old, like I'm at the end of my life or something - which is not a cry for help btw, it's just how I feel. I don't know what that means except that I've stopped trying and that's not good. I suppose I felt like all the efforts I *did* make have gone to waste. How does one get their mojo back I wonder?

All I know is that I'm feeling frustrated because I don't know how to make things happen. I know that I have certain abilities and talents but not how to make them work for me. It's like I am this unopened present. Until you get to see what it is and play with it a present is just a box wrapped up tightly. It has potential, sure - but what good is potential if it's never realised?

Maybe I should ask the psychic about lotto numbers - money changes everything, right?

The song today reminds me of my friend S - The Cure always reminds me of her. We sang them a lot when we were in school. Come to think of it - we were doing a lot of singing full stop. Nevermind the fact that I'm particularly bad at singing I just liked doing it. It's funny - back then I was probably truer to myself than what I am now. That's not how it's supposed to be - you're supposed to be truer to yourself as you leave your awkward teen years behind. I feel much more awkward now than I ever did back then.

Anyway, In-between Days, because it's a favourite, and because it feels like I am in-between days at the moment. In-between lives. In-between thoughts. In-between decisions. In-between everything but two hot men. What? Who said that? Anyway, I'd be willing to bet you're all familiar with the song and if not, then I have to ask WHY the hell not? It's a goodie.




In-Between Days - The Cure

Labels: decision and indecision, musical monday, new age, oh I don't know., questions

posted by M at 6:09 pm 35 comments

I hate haggling.

You'd think that ANYONE would hate bargaining for a price but as it turns out there are some wack jobs out there that actually get off on the to and fro that goes with haggling. I truly doubt the thrill in haggling has anything to do with 'beating the system' (even if you happen to manage to haggle down 50% it's still no skin off anyone's nose) it's purely about the chase that really gets people fired up.

My dad, for instance, was one of those wack jobs who loved doing it. I remember getting my very first tape deck - it was pink with white buttons. It was not a quick process. First, we went to the store and I saw my pink marshmallow and fell in love immediately. I exclaimed "that's the one" and immediately imagined myself putting my Madonna tape right in there and dancing around. My dad brought the guy over and started arguing over the price "too expensive" I remember him saying - "if you don't give us a good deal we're going somewhere else". My visions of dancing to Madonnna while worshiping my pink marshmallow tape deck were slowly dribbling into nothingness. No, I didn't want to go elsewhere for some other, obviously inferior tape deck. I wanted this very perfect one and I wanted it right now. The guy did that annoying thing that salesmen often do - you know the thing "my hands are tied. This is rock bottom". We walked out. I started pouting (okay I think I kicked someone). The guy followed us - okay, ohkaaaay... he'd take off a tenner. My dad was happy - he then mangaged to bargain extra deals for paying with cash and, of course - free batteries (for like, my street jiving).

You know that whole process I just described? Nothing about it appeals to me (except owning the pink tape deck). If I want something, I want it now. I don't want to dance around shrugging shoulders, pretending not to care, walking out, only to walk back in - putting on a sob story, acting tough then nice then tough again. It's pointless to me and wastes my time - I hate getting upset because I know the prices have been jacked up. I'd much rather the prices not be corrupt in the first place so I don't have to worry about it and I can just focus on the product itself instead. Furthermore running around in circles just so I can get 20 bucks off the price of a 2 thousand dollar piece of new electronic equipment that'll be out of warranty sooner than later is something I consider very demeaning. It's also boring - because I know it's a formality that people engage in and indeed that sales people are ready for (they're trained to deflect and appease). I don't want to haggle and struggle through a goddamn process! What kind of a person loves processes over the real deal? I want to get to the good stuff thanks. Leave all that other shit at the door. I know it's why I struggle with the process of 'dating' and men as well as buying a house. I want real, not fake. The game sucks.

If I want to buy something, anything - whether it's a clue an idea or a product I want to walk in, get it settled and walk out again. You know when there are two people flirting like crazy while everyone else is forced to vomit into their baseball caps as they watch the love fest? Well I'm the person that yells "oh for fucks sake get a ROOM". Yeah, that's me.

So with this in mind you can imagine just how frustrated I've been lately - while trying to organise a very costly media related purchase for the school. I'm gathering quotes (which is fine) and comparing quotes (again, fine) but then noticing discrepancies between quotes and having to go back and haggle the price down in a "we're giving you the business now it's your turn to come to the table" kind of way. It's annoying. I'm crossed between a decision that will hopefully bring on the "best" - but the best what I cannot answer. The best price only benefits the finance department and I'm not one for finances. The best equipment is great but it's only great if I utilise it in the best way possible and quite frankly maybe I can't do that with what/who I'm working with. The best outcome might be different for me than what it is for any of the people I'm dealing with, including my own staff who have their own ideas of what 'the best' is. I'm making one decision that will affect a lot of other processes - processes that quite frankly have less to do with me than I ever intended.

After much initial research I've been left to decide between two main contenders - doing a dance with both that is laden with ulterior motives. We all flirt and act coy and carefree with one another but underneath we're in it for ourselves. It's a serious business, very serious - this haggling. In the end I don't know if any of us will win. One will get dumped. One school will get the best price and one company will get business - the controlling factions come out okay, the process wins..

And what of me and him and the other him? We're just the cogs that keep the wheel turning so that it's nicely oiled for the next lot that get on the ride. I don't know if I even want to keep the process going. It's crappy and I want no part of something that's crappy - surely there is an easier way for everyone to get what they want - or at least for everyone to know where they stand? Surely there is something more...real underneath the bullshit that usually goes on.

I mean, aren't we real..us humans? I'm getting all worked up about a decision that is not going to do anything for my soul - and by soul I mean that part of me that is real and without pretension. All this haggling - who benefits anyway? Certainly not the part of me that loves life, that's for sure. So I make the best monetary decision - big fucking deal - what do all those material things mean in the scheme of life, death, love and humanity? I don't just mean money either.

As it goes, I took a step towards putting a nail in the process in my own small way. I put the prices and deals aside, yes I did, and looked at the people I was dealing with. I googled them both - one of them does work for charity - as a personal thing and though he's not the best in terms of a business decision he might just be the better person.
...and maybe that should be enough for anyone.

Labels: analogy, choices, decision and indecision, men, school, women, wonderings

posted by M at 10:14 pm 14 comments

It was one of those unusually quiet mornings on Chapel. I sip my coffee with quiet contemplation, savouring the bitterness and waiting for it to wake me up. I sigh with the morning, or it sighs with me - the traffic drifts by in waves with engines roaring and then disappearing into the distance. I watch the figure slumped against the shop window across the road. It doesn't move.

I put my coffee down and reach into my bag to put on my glasses and squint. He doesn't move. I stare through gaps in the traffic at the people walking past him, stepping over his lifeless legs, glancing briefly and then walking on. Person after person in their designer sunglasses and polished manicures ignore him. I should do something, call someone, be a hero, do the right thing. I reach for my phone and ...hesitate.

At the same time as my internal crisis rages a young girl, a better girl than I, walks by and stops. She stares down at the man for a moment and walks into the shop to get help. Another young woman emerges with her, a customer service tag clearly identifying her as a shop girl. She looks around nervously. Another day, another body. It is Sunday morning on Chapel after all.

A girl crossing the road at this exact moment sees shop girl and girl huddled together and holds up her phone like a beacon of light as she hurries on towards them. After assessing the problem, she dials and speaks to someone. Young girl, shop girl and mobile girl all look down at the body slumped against the shop window. It hasn't moved at all. Perhaps there is still someone left in there. Then again, perhaps not.

Neither of the three girls is game to touch him. Shop girl leans in close than then pulls away. Young girl does the same and mobile girl looks around for the ambulance she has just called. Where are they?

Hero walks by; he is wearing Havaianas and work man shorts. This is either a man of many talents or a complete poseur. What Seems to be the matter girls? I imagine him asking. He, too peers closely at the body slumped in the window and suddenly pulls away. Perhaps there is an odour, or something equally offensive about the lifeless man. Hero scratches his head and looks at his companions. The others have already done their bit and he needs to up the ante. He leans down and yells hey! down at the guy. Nothing. Not a twitch. He gingerly leans in closer and closer until he is kneeling on the floor. He puts the man into the recovery position. Surely there is a life in there left to save.

They wait. Traffic begins to back up on Chapel as people in their cars slow to catch a glimpse of the show. I watch their rubbernecking, twisted heads and wide eyes as they struggle between a good view of the man and keeping an eye on the road. The sun beats down on the man in the recovery position. A homeless guy with all his worldly goods in tow has stopped in to have a look too. He speaks to the crowd gathered before moving off down the street in a slow shuffle.

The ambulance arrives without fanfare.

The boys get out of their vehicle and they walk towards the man. There is no rushing or yelling, everything is calm and measured. One ambulance guy leans in closely and says something to the man on the floor. Nothing. He reaches out a hand and does something I can't see through the cars in the traffic. The man stirs and awakes. I can feel the relief from here. The man gets up, stumbles and slurs something at the paramedics. He walks into the traffic and towards my side of the road but heads the other way. The boys look at each other scratching their heads and shrugging their shoulders. All in a days work, I guess.

Labels: decision and indecision, melbourne musings, sunday morning, weird little happenings

posted by M at 4:27 am 34 comments