[Miscellany]

I have a lottery ticket in my purse which was drawn last week but which I haven't yet checked. I could be sitting on a million for all I know and then again I might not be. The chances of it not being a winner are almost 100% but it's the .0009% that I'm most interested in. It's like a flash of excitement. A clock ticking. bell chiming. That .0009% is a morsel of hope, something which exists, even at my lowest point.

Perhaps hope is instinctual - like breathing or coughing. I imagine if someone decides to drown themselves, their mind is made up but the body has other ideas. At some point the human instinct kicks in and the body tries with all its might to get to the surface and breathe in some oxygen. The body tries to live, even if the mind wants to die.

Perhaps that's what happens when hope kicks in too. One may be at the end, the edge, so to speak - with no loveliness and no kindness and no joy but then there it is - like a kiss on the cheek; hope. Hope stops you from jumping. It stops you from dying. You grab onto it and clutch at it and somehow pull yourself up and out of the doldrums. While it is yours, hope is your best friend and your only chance of survival. Hope is a smile in a sea of frowns and a laugh in a serious boardroom meeting. She is impossible not to love.

I like having hope but I don't like living with it. She is beguiling and yet deceitful. She draws you in, makes you feel comfortable and then, if you are me - is then crushed, dashed, falsified. Crushed hopes are worse than no hope at all it seems. And yet, instinctively I find some more hope, even where you would think that hope would be lost. It's infuriating. I am constantly fielding the battle between having hope and picking myself up after losing it.

Somehow this ticket in my purse has grown to symbolise every morsel of hope I have left in the world and yet I am destined to never check it for fear of losing it, once again.

Labels: crazy people, hope, MVOR, random, rant, wonderings

posted by M at 12:17 am 6 comments

Dear Ikea shopper,

You are a big wanker. Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, WANKER, WANKER, WANKER! ARGH!!

You've got your crappy do-it-yourself bed now MOVE ALONG CHUMP! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!

No, you DON'T have to double check every single FUCKING package at the checkout! Just don't! DON'T! You don't say to the checkout lady "hm, I think I might have 8 items" when in fact she scanned 7 and then spend the NEXT FIVE MINUTES searching endlessly for this mystery 8th item THAT ISN'T EVEN THERE. She scanned 7, GREAT! You just count your lucky stars that you're not paying for 8 and MOVE THE FUCK ALONG! No, don't INSIST on looking for it! The only think I insist is that you are a GRADE A (in capitals) WANKER. You know when you SHOULD have done that shit? WHEN YOU AND WIFEY WERE GETTING IT OFF THE FUCKING SHELF. Yes, checking items when you get them off the shelf may be like inventing fire to idiots like you but I maintain that it's a GREAT time to make sure you have your shit together. Guess what? There's TWO of you. that means that one gets it off the shelf and the other one DOES NOT STAND THERE GIGGLING LIKE SOME MORON, it's her job to check the shit so that you don't embarrass yourselves at the counter. How's that for a plan, team USA? Why would that be a good idea? Oh I don't know, maybe it's because people like me who know what they want are standing right behind you with my 1 item that should me about 2 MINUTES to get through the register with.. but nooooooo you turn what should have been an easy 2 minute journey into a 15 minute HELL RIDE TO SHITSVILLE!

I hate you....wanker!

Love,
Ikea shopper who actually knows what they are doing.




Dear people in charge of my Education region,


That conversation we had the other day really depressed me. I really felt like that was the last thing I needed to hear about my profession that day. I'm already hanging on by a thread.

For the record, no I don't think that teachers get too much PD and no I don't think that we should be doing more in house PD instead of going out and getting trained by specialists. No I don't think we should be letting the information filter down from teacher to teacher. When exactly do you think we have time to do all this in house networking? Do you realise how exhausted a day of teaching makes you? No, of COURSE you don't, you're a paper pusher. I don't think you understand very much at all. If you stop training teachers to be BETTER teachers then you will get exactly what you foster: CRAP TEACHERS WHO NEVER LEARN ANYTHING NEW.

I feel sad. I feel abandoned by the very people who are supposed to represent my needs. But you don't. You represent the almighty dollar. I don't know if I want to be part of your organisation anymore.

You suck!

Love,

Disillusioned teacher.




Dear Parent who came into my classroom today,

Thank you for saying what you said. Yes I'm chuffed that my group of parents "feel very, very lucky to have Miss F as a teacher". I thought it would be the opposite because of the art room thing. Personally I think being in the art room for a couple of years has made me a better CLASSROOM teacher than I was before but I never thought that parents would give me a chance. I thought I would have been eaten alive without a trail. I'm so happy that you said that my reputation pre-art and in the classroom proceeded me.

Thank you!

Love,

Your Daughter's Teacher.




Dear Friend,

I love you, I really do but I think it's totally bogan to go to the bottle shop and buy one of those little bottles of bubbly and drink it at a restaurant without ordering anything else.

Sorry, no I won't join you in a glass - I'm going to actually order something off the menu.

Am a bit Shocked to tell you the truth.

Me.




Dear S,

No, updating your "status" as "moving house" isn't actually the same as letting someone know that you've moved. We've only known each other for ooo... 18 years so I thought I'd at least qualify for a text.

Access to technology is great but it's not a substitute for good old fashioned courtesy.

Love,

Well, Not Love...Obviously.





Dear #1,

Love Baby S. I really do. I will sit and listen to all the crappy stories about how he bumps into walls and won't fall asleep. I'll sympathise and empathise and other "ises" ...anything, you're my friend. HOWEVER, being at the 1st birthday party was excruciating! I hated every second of it. It's no place for a single gal. You babied up folk are ...well you're really down right scary sometimes. It's frightening and I wanted to leave about 10 minutes after I got there. I really don't belong and I'm not sure I want to belong either. You're all cuckoo for coco pops - sorry but it's true. I hope you're not offended. I DID buy a really cool present.

Love,

Weirded out by babied up people.



Dear Mazda Driver,

I have memorised your car. Get on the Freeway going 80kms again and I swear to God I will hunt you down and rip out your still-beating heart. You think I have anger management issues? Well you're quite possibly right but you STILL need to get the in the left lane and STAY THERE FOREVER bucko! Or better yet, take a taxi. I don't understand why people like you even WANT to get on the freeway in the first place. What's the attraction: Pissing people off? We have plenty of roads out there where you can go 60kms or EVEN 40kms on school days! Sounds like your kind of speed to me.

Love

Late for Work and other Appointments.

Labels: Crazy Nutters, crazy people, letters, rant, school

posted by M at 10:47 pm 11 comments

Dear Corey,

How can I put this?

You make me want to tear out my womb and feed it to the German Shepherds who live down the road.

love,
Sick of the Yellow Sunglasses from Supre.



Dear Babied up people of the world,

Do not ring your spinster friend and then spend that time on the phone talking to your child instead. Spinster friend has got a shitlist.

It's getting longer.

Love
Spinster Friend.



Dear Creators of the show "Ready Steady Cook"

I'm going to miss watching you when I go back to work next week. Yes I really am that pathetic. I do have one question though. Does it REALLY count when you create a dish and use the contestant's "special ingredient" only as a garnish? Surely this is cheating!

Love,
Uptight Viewer.



Dear Girl sitting near me at the Cinemas the other day,

Your BO was so bad I couldn't concentrate on the movie! I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE! I actually took out my peppermint flavoured MIGRANE STICK and pretty much stuffed it up my nose just so I didn't have to smell YOU.

I don't think people need to smell flower fresh every second of the day but why sit near me when the cinema was practically empty. SO many other seats! A VAST NUMBER OF SEATS AAAAALLLL OVER THE PLACE. But hey, sure, sit right near me, no worries.

Love,
Very Serious About Having Good Movie Experience.


Dear Mother on the Beach with her Toddler the other day,

When your little boy pointed at that young, muscle bound dude who had just come in from his swim and exclaimed "Daddy" I smiled. You see, I had seen "daddy" when your family arrived earlier. He was middle aged, pudgy, was wearing full zinc on his nose and had a Gilligan bucket hat on his head. But when you looked down at your boy and said (complete with dead pan delivery) - "nooooooope, Daddy's body looks nothing like that" I laughed out loud.

Thanks for the laugh.

Girl Hiding Behind Book.



Dear Tom Cruise,

Listen here you little FREAK. What the fuck is up? I mean dude, WHAT IS UP with your threads? Is Xenu making you wear turtlenecks? Are you channeling an 8 year old circa 1986 for your hair style? Are you fucking mental? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE WITH SQUIlLLIONS OF DOLLARS AND PERSONAL ASSISTANTS WHO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, (PROBABLY EVEN WIPING YOUR ARSE), CAN MAKE SUCH GRAVE MISTAKES REGARDING FASHION LATELY! THIS IS NO TIME FOR PLAYING AROUND WITH SKIVVIES UNDER DRESS JACKETS - PEOPLE ALREADY THINK THAT YOU ARE A FREAKSHOW BONANZA AND THIS ISN'T HELPING MATTERS ANY.

CLEAN IT UP TOP GUN!

SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS BUT YOU MAKE ME VERY ANGRY FOR SOME REASON!

Love,
Not a Fan.


Dear Beastie Boys,

I'm a long time fan. You make me want to grab my womb back from the German Shepherds and put it right back in.

Seriously, I can't say this enough; you are fabulous.

Love
Me.


An Open Letter to NYC - Beastie Boys



Sabotage - Beastie Boys




*EDIT*

Here's a crappy meme - as you will soon see it's scarily accurate..

The rules were
1) Put ipod on shuffle
2) every answer = a shuffled song.
3) the song that randomly comes up is the answer.

I tag all of you to do it!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
saturday's night's alright for fighting - elton john

Yes, well - you see sometimes it's good to fight.


2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Tame - Pixies

Depends on the person - however maybe this is a consequence of #3.

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Licking Stick - James Brown

Ipod has done it again! I plead the fifth.

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Hanky Panky - Madonna

um, can I plead the 5th again? Oh look, there's a lovely butterfly over there..look! *run*

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
where the wild roses grow - nick cave

Oh goody, my life purpose is to die at the hands of a blood thirsty murderer. I will however look absolutely smashing while floating face up in a filthy lake.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Mayfair song - air

yes...well I have no idea what that is about. Perhaps I like playing monopoly a little TOO much

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
c'etait toi (you were the one) - billy joel

Why thank you! (Though I suppose the question is what do you REALLY think of me now that you know I have this song on my ipod?)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
holiday - madonna

quite. I always did wish for an extended holiday from them.

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
tu quieres volver - gipsy kings

I agree. I do think in other languages I don't understand very often.

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
soul bossa nova - quincy jones

Is it any wonder I almost failed stats in uni?

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I can't make it on time - The Ramones

Ipod knows I'm often late when meeting friends.

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
women - the easybeats

You see, ipod is also hinting that the end of my spinsterhood will be through lesbianism. Good one ipod, I shall look into it!

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Let it Be - The Beatles

lordy, this thing is good.

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
put your head on my shoulder - paul anka

ahhh, yes. You see this harks back to the days in my early teens when I actually wanted to be a disembodied head atop of someone elses shoulders. It was a short lived dream really - not a lot of money in it. Glad I went into teaching instead.

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
courage - sarah polly

absolutely. Lots and lots of courage pounding through my veins... Then I run like hell.

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
gave up - nin

yes, hence the needing of a holiday.

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I say a little prayer - dion warwick

good lord, I'm thinking the poor sod will be the one saying prayers but anyway.

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
psycho therapy - the ramones

hahahhaha, of course!

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
an american trilogy - elvis presley

Indeed, you see I'm much into popular culture, bad food and taking over small developing nations simply by using economic manipulation and brute force. Very American of me.

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
stuck on you - lionel ritchie

Apparently my biggest secret is actually the fact that I have Lionel Ritchie on my ipod but anyway. Aren't I glad to have that one out of the bag?

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
waiting - elizabeth daily

Currently waiting for their babies to grow up so that I get my friends back actually. Good one ipod - clever clogs!

22. WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR LOVE?
China - tori amos

hm, ipod is being quite obscure here. Has it got something to do with giving up my current life and moving overseas to China where I will be showered with many diamonds and treated like a queen? Yes, I think that's what Ipod might be saying.

oh wait, this is what *I'd* do for love, isn't it? um, well maybe I will move to china and ...start selling china goods for cheap prices to the foreign market - maybe my future love is in trade of some kind. Yesss. The more I think about it the more sense it makes.

23. WHAT IS YOUR STANCE ON RELIGION?
I don't like it like this - The Radio Dept.

Ipod obviously knows I was raised a catholic and now am disgruntled and confused.

24. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR JOB?
Cold Hearted Snake - Paula Abdul

Christ, ipod not only have you outed that I have Paula Abdul on my ipod but you've really hit the nail on the head about my workplace too!

25. OTHER BLOGGERS THINK THIS ABOUT YOU.
Release - pearl jam

From the looney bin I suppose.
You smug bastards!

Labels: crap cook, Crazy Nutters, crazy people, letters, media, meme, musical monday, pop culture, rant

posted by M at 11:49 pm 27 comments

Today is the 6th anniversary of my online journalling. Obviously, I've quite sluttily (made up word) spread myself around, so to speak - so, no blogger I'm sorry you're not the first. I have been sullied by others. I hope you understand.

Here's a tidbit from my first online journal. Second post.

what do I want this space to be?
I'm so sick of trying to work myself out all the time.
If I spend any length of time focusing on my thoughts I will surely go crazy.
I never have linear thoughts.
I always thought that it was the places I visited that represented the labyrinth.
but now I know
that the labyrinth is me.

why didn't I make this private?
what is a diary anyway?
a un-ruptured flow of thoughts?
or an abridged version of my life for someone...anyone...
like the radio edit of Stairway to Heaven.
culled for the benefit of air time and the short attention span of the masses..
so who?
people here? my future children? grandchildren? myself?
all of the above?
I'm confused.

Am I any closer to figuring myself out? In some ways yes, in some ways no. Did I actually type out the labyrinth is me and then press publish for all the world to see? Why, yes I embarrassingly did. I'll wear it too. I am a supreme dork.

In matters concerning the self and our place in the universe Fashion Cousin rang me up and asked me to come watch a DVD at her house about attracting the things you want into your life. She used the words "this thing is like a cult" and I was sooo there. Since Artist Turned Nun - Now In Her Own Words "Am Living Big Brother Uncut" Cousin (abbreviated to: ATNNIHOWALBBUC) almost became a cultist herself I have been fascinated by them. This DVD was no cult though - but perhaps just as sinister.

Yes, I'm talking about The Secret

Have you heard about it? No?

How can I put this?

Have you heard of Oprah Winfrey?

Yes?

Okay, she loves it. That's all you need to know.

Ohhhhh Kayyyy, I'll explain it - Basically the it's a self help book without the book bit. You don't even have to read - it's a DVD! I am not a self help guru. In fact I have been known to laugh until I drool at people who read self help books - right to their face too (I don't have a lot of friends, obviously). I have read one or two self help books in my life (depending on how you define a self help book):

1) He's Just Not That Into You (a book about how women will let men treat them like shit just so they can have a relationship with them. Meanwhile if a man treats you like shit there is no way in hell he actually likes you. He doesn't like you. If he liked you, he'd treat you like a queen. He's never going to like you. He's going to keep treating you like shit. Ditch him girl - he's just not into you! It was written by a guy).

2) The Celestine Prophesy (Well, it was a fiction. Is this self help or is this new age? Neither? Both? I have no idea and hence the confusion. Sometimes there is a crossover between fiction/self help and new age. Basically this one is about how everything in the universe has deeper meaning and don't you forget it).

So that's it, my self help discovery, but now I can add The Secret.

What is The Secret?

Basically it's the law of attraction put into practical use. You can have everything you want as long as you want it. Positivity and joy attract positivity and joy. Negative thoughts attracts negativity. There is no such thing as bad luck, instead you control all aspects of your life.

The crux is that there is little to no distinction between humanity and the universe. We are all made up of energy and thus we are I think as jedi so wonderfully put it it - the universe made manifest. Therefore the possibilities for us are endless.

You want love. You imagine yourself with love. You think positively about it. You visualise having it. You feel yourself in love. You feel it. You trust that it will come to you. You never, ever think that you don't deserve it or that it won't happen. Any negativity you previously had you should drive out with only affirmative thoughts about love. Your thoughts must affirm what you want. Repeat. Love will manifest.

You are what you think.

Ask for what you want. Visualise it always - feel yourself enjoying what you really want. Receive it. Be grateful for what you have. Continue cycle.

It's certainly not a new thing. There are so many people out there who believe that thinking positive will attract positive things to you. A lot of YOU bloggers out there say it is so too. I've read that you think it ;) I've also deducted that you believe in chance and chaos and certainly not meaning and order in the universe.

Here's the thing. Do you believe that your mind can bring you what you want (that positivity is the way to go) knowing that if you believe that then everything in the universe has meaning and perhaps that drives the whole 'chance' idea out the window? If chance existed then what does it matter if you think like a misery guts every day? Surely chance always evens things out in the end? But this notion does not allow for that - it says that there is no chaos - there is only the way of all things and the way of all things is how you think it.

The Secret is not a secret really - but ignore the fact that it's a "next big thing" now. Is the concept of positive visualisation crap or not? Can you visualise good things and make them manifest? Do you engage in positive visualisation and has it worked for you?

Labels: blogaversary, crazy people, ideas, new age, oprah can turn anything into a best seller, questions, self help, wonderings

posted by M at 11:07 pm 46 comments