[Miscellany]

Dear Corey,

How can I put this?

You make me want to tear out my womb and feed it to the German Shepherds who live down the road.

love,
Sick of the Yellow Sunglasses from Supre.



Dear Babied up people of the world,

Do not ring your spinster friend and then spend that time on the phone talking to your child instead. Spinster friend has got a shitlist.

It's getting longer.

Love
Spinster Friend.



Dear Creators of the show "Ready Steady Cook"

I'm going to miss watching you when I go back to work next week. Yes I really am that pathetic. I do have one question though. Does it REALLY count when you create a dish and use the contestant's "special ingredient" only as a garnish? Surely this is cheating!

Love,
Uptight Viewer.



Dear Girl sitting near me at the Cinemas the other day,

Your BO was so bad I couldn't concentrate on the movie! I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE! I actually took out my peppermint flavoured MIGRANE STICK and pretty much stuffed it up my nose just so I didn't have to smell YOU.

I don't think people need to smell flower fresh every second of the day but why sit near me when the cinema was practically empty. SO many other seats! A VAST NUMBER OF SEATS AAAAALLLL OVER THE PLACE. But hey, sure, sit right near me, no worries.

Love,
Very Serious About Having Good Movie Experience.


Dear Mother on the Beach with her Toddler the other day,

When your little boy pointed at that young, muscle bound dude who had just come in from his swim and exclaimed "Daddy" I smiled. You see, I had seen "daddy" when your family arrived earlier. He was middle aged, pudgy, was wearing full zinc on his nose and had a Gilligan bucket hat on his head. But when you looked down at your boy and said (complete with dead pan delivery) - "nooooooope, Daddy's body looks nothing like that" I laughed out loud.

Thanks for the laugh.

Girl Hiding Behind Book.



Dear Tom Cruise,

Listen here you little FREAK. What the fuck is up? I mean dude, WHAT IS UP with your threads? Is Xenu making you wear turtlenecks? Are you channeling an 8 year old circa 1986 for your hair style? Are you fucking mental? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE WITH SQUIlLLIONS OF DOLLARS AND PERSONAL ASSISTANTS WHO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, (PROBABLY EVEN WIPING YOUR ARSE), CAN MAKE SUCH GRAVE MISTAKES REGARDING FASHION LATELY! THIS IS NO TIME FOR PLAYING AROUND WITH SKIVVIES UNDER DRESS JACKETS - PEOPLE ALREADY THINK THAT YOU ARE A FREAKSHOW BONANZA AND THIS ISN'T HELPING MATTERS ANY.

CLEAN IT UP TOP GUN!

SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS BUT YOU MAKE ME VERY ANGRY FOR SOME REASON!

Love,
Not a Fan.


Dear Beastie Boys,

I'm a long time fan. You make me want to grab my womb back from the German Shepherds and put it right back in.

Seriously, I can't say this enough; you are fabulous.

Love
Me.


An Open Letter to NYC - Beastie Boys



Sabotage - Beastie Boys




*EDIT*

Here's a crappy meme - as you will soon see it's scarily accurate..

The rules were
1) Put ipod on shuffle
2) every answer = a shuffled song.
3) the song that randomly comes up is the answer.

I tag all of you to do it!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
saturday's night's alright for fighting - elton john

Yes, well - you see sometimes it's good to fight.


2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Tame - Pixies

Depends on the person - however maybe this is a consequence of #3.

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Licking Stick - James Brown

Ipod has done it again! I plead the fifth.

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Hanky Panky - Madonna

um, can I plead the 5th again? Oh look, there's a lovely butterfly over there..look! *run*

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
where the wild roses grow - nick cave

Oh goody, my life purpose is to die at the hands of a blood thirsty murderer. I will however look absolutely smashing while floating face up in a filthy lake.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Mayfair song - air

yes...well I have no idea what that is about. Perhaps I like playing monopoly a little TOO much

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
c'etait toi (you were the one) - billy joel

Why thank you! (Though I suppose the question is what do you REALLY think of me now that you know I have this song on my ipod?)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
holiday - madonna

quite. I always did wish for an extended holiday from them.

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
tu quieres volver - gipsy kings

I agree. I do think in other languages I don't understand very often.

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
soul bossa nova - quincy jones

Is it any wonder I almost failed stats in uni?

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I can't make it on time - The Ramones

Ipod knows I'm often late when meeting friends.

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
women - the easybeats

You see, ipod is also hinting that the end of my spinsterhood will be through lesbianism. Good one ipod, I shall look into it!

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Let it Be - The Beatles

lordy, this thing is good.

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
put your head on my shoulder - paul anka

ahhh, yes. You see this harks back to the days in my early teens when I actually wanted to be a disembodied head atop of someone elses shoulders. It was a short lived dream really - not a lot of money in it. Glad I went into teaching instead.

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
courage - sarah polly

absolutely. Lots and lots of courage pounding through my veins... Then I run like hell.

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
gave up - nin

yes, hence the needing of a holiday.

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I say a little prayer - dion warwick

good lord, I'm thinking the poor sod will be the one saying prayers but anyway.

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
psycho therapy - the ramones

hahahhaha, of course!

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
an american trilogy - elvis presley

Indeed, you see I'm much into popular culture, bad food and taking over small developing nations simply by using economic manipulation and brute force. Very American of me.

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
stuck on you - lionel ritchie

Apparently my biggest secret is actually the fact that I have Lionel Ritchie on my ipod but anyway. Aren't I glad to have that one out of the bag?

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
waiting - elizabeth daily

Currently waiting for their babies to grow up so that I get my friends back actually. Good one ipod - clever clogs!

22. WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR LOVE?
China - tori amos

hm, ipod is being quite obscure here. Has it got something to do with giving up my current life and moving overseas to China where I will be showered with many diamonds and treated like a queen? Yes, I think that's what Ipod might be saying.

oh wait, this is what *I'd* do for love, isn't it? um, well maybe I will move to china and ...start selling china goods for cheap prices to the foreign market - maybe my future love is in trade of some kind. Yesss. The more I think about it the more sense it makes.

23. WHAT IS YOUR STANCE ON RELIGION?
I don't like it like this - The Radio Dept.

Ipod obviously knows I was raised a catholic and now am disgruntled and confused.

24. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR JOB?
Cold Hearted Snake - Paula Abdul

Christ, ipod not only have you outed that I have Paula Abdul on my ipod but you've really hit the nail on the head about my workplace too!

25. OTHER BLOGGERS THINK THIS ABOUT YOU.
Release - pearl jam

From the looney bin I suppose.
You smug bastards!

Labels: crap cook, Crazy Nutters, crazy people, letters, media, meme, musical monday, pop culture, rant

posted by M at 11:49 pm 27 comments