[Miscellany]

Here's my love letter to you.

Dear Girl,

You are not in my class anymore but you visit me daily and you give me a hug.  That hug is the only regular human contact I have.  It's the most amazing thing in my day.  It's the most incredible thing I have - this tangible piece of loveliness that comes with a beaming smile that is all for me.  It is my only Technicolor moment amongst the dull monochrome that is every other breathing moment at the moment.

Somehow you don't see what other people must see in me - which is a broken person or an unworthy person.  You see through into the soul of me and for that 10 seconds I feel almost whole.  It is by far the best thing in my day.  You are by far the only person in my life who seeks me out for the sole purpose of you finding delight in seeing me.  You walk in.  You say hello.  You grin your wide grin and you give me a hug.

You are 9 years old and you have no idea just how important you are but you are very important.

I'm humbled.

Thank you.

M.

Labels: letters, love

posted by M at 12:50 am 3 comments

Dear Americans,

Why remake Death at a Funeral? Seriously, why?

We know you have an aversion to subtitles and foreign films and need to remake them immediately before they sully your shores with their "foreignness", but Death at a Funeral isn't subtitled. In fact, they speak English... REAL English! Proper English!

I don't get it. I didn't think the American version was funnier than the British version. I didn't think it was better. I didn't think anything worthwhile was added to the movie in order to justify a remake.

Love Movie Buff.


Dear Young Men playing Football in the Park,

Why must you kick so dangerously close to people who just want to have a picnic and a chat?

This wide brown land has enough room for all of us, even the ones kicking footballs. Where should you go? Okay, you see that spot over there? ... nope, keep going... keep going... keep going... keeeeeeeeeep going... right over THERE. Waaaaaaaaaaay over there. Yes, THERE. That's where you need to go.

Cheers,
Chatter.


Dear Drunktard on NYE in the City,

Your drunken bogan shout: 2011 show me what you've got has become my unlikely slogan for the year.

Who knew wisdom came from a bottle? Okay, yes I did know this..

Thanks
Lover of the Bogan Slogan.



Dear Other Drunktards Laughing Outside my Window as I Type this at 12.30am,

I'm pretty sure you're smoking something illegal.

Carry on.

Cheers,
Amused but Won't be for Much Longer.



Dear Makers of the show Bret Michaels: Life as I Know It,

80s Has Been Rocker who can't come to grips with the aging process - CHECK
Long Blonde Wig and a Bandanna to cover up the receding hairline - CHECK
More Fake Tan than all the members of Jersey Shore combined - CHECK
Kids who are smarter than their Mother and Father - CHECK
Slutty ex-"dancer" - CHECK
Bullshit detector going off every 2 minutes - CHEEEEEEEEEECK!

All the elements are there. Congratulations on another piece of shit Television Show.
I couldn't be more thrilled.

Love, Addicted.


Dear Colin Firth,

You are full of awesome.
Seriously, you are - and this time you weren't even wearing a wet shirt and climbing out of a lake at Pemberley.

For the record, The King's Speech got a round of applause at the cinema - which almost never happens in Melbs.

You were magnificent!
Love, A Looooooooooooooooooooooooong time Fan.



Dear 2011,

Please...
Be Kind.
Please.

Love, Me.


Dear Nick Cave,

I love that you make music to be listened to with Headphones firmly plugged in and a glass of something that burns your throat on the way down.

"O Children" turned that scene in the new Harry Potter movie into art.
This is what you do...
Sublime.




Musical Monday

Love, Music Lover.

Labels: cinema, letters, movies, mr darcy, musical monday, US

posted by M at 12:05 am 5 comments

Dear Lady in the Next Cubicle,

You: Humming the tune to jaws.
Me: Listening to you, aghast that you are 1) humming in a public restroom 2) actually a GIRL, humming in a public restroom.

Love,

Surprised.



Dear World,

Everything at the moment points to me feeling sad, but it's just so much easier to just take it out on everyone else and be angry.

Forgive me, but you give the fucking shits.

Love,

Angry Girl.



Dear Parent of a child that will be in my grade next year,

When I say that your son was being silly and calling out (read: being a complete disruption to everyone, having no respect for authority and sometimes being dangerous) during our little orientation program I meant it in all seriousness. You looked surprised, don't worry, I'm used to that look from people like you - it's the "oh but they never act that way around me" look. Bullshit! I heard on the grapevine that you were in the yard complaining about me saying this to you and then laughing about it.

If you think you can try this shit out on me you've got another thing coming. You have met your match lady. This is my little promise to you: Every time your son fucks up I will be seeking YOU out to deal with it at home. If you don't deal with it then we're going to be having many, many after school meetings, behavioural plans, meetings with the principal etc. It's not going to be pretty. I have all night and I'm willing to spend it, with you, talking about the things you need to get sorted, because yes - it's your responsibility to meet me half way on this, not absolve responsibility just because they're at "school".

You think it's funny that your son is undisciplined? I don't. I think it's a reflection of your parenting. I'm not laughing.

Love,

Not Amused.



Dear Egan,

You want 3-5 things that women do/are, which keep them single? I'll take three from me and two from someone else.

According to Sam de Brito (renowned for writing and ill written, second rate Australian men's column usually agreed with by neanderthals with shit for brains, in The Age and SMH - but apparently these two traits are seen an universally true???)
1. not being young enough

2. not being hot enough.

And mine...
3. Being obsessive about spending time together and not letting their man have any time to himself. God goddsake just give the poor bloke a night or two off to watch porn or footy or to complain about you to all of his friends. He's earned it! Falling into this category is the old calling 5 times a day, just to see how he's going.

4. Making plans that are too far ahead, too soon. The second date is not a good time to plan a wedding - not in any culture. Scrap booking your future wedding/house/family is also not a good idea.

5. Only having one interest in life: him.


Love,

M.


Dear Random Reader,

You found my journal by searching "do men ever fake it?".

Do men ever fake it? pft. You know when you're talking about how your sister's best friend's hairdresser saw some D-grade movie actor at some incredible night spot and your boyfriend is all like "uh huh?" "sounds interesting" "mmmmm, wow" "yeppppppp"?

...he's totally faking it.

Love,

Boys just have a different way of doing it.




Dear Reports,

So I hear you're not going to write yourselves. Good one, but this means I'm still at square one.

Love,

Frustrated.




Dear Head Honchos at the Australian Football League,

You are shit.

Seriously, you are shit.

Ben Cousins is a drug fucked dickhead who is taking the piss out of everyone. He's had his chance and fucked up - BIG TIME and you are still going to let him play? I don't get it. The football world is not a good place for someone who can't handle the pressure. Any other athlete would be out on their arse by now and so should he.

Cut him loose - he needs to go find a real job and give a rookie a chance to get drafted instead.

Love,

Amazed.



Dear Tracie and Rich,

I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove pot psychology!


Do Guys Ever Taste Their Own Semen? from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

You guys are so funny,

Love,

M.

PS: Hey boys, come (cum) clean (haha), have you ever eaten your own spunk? A lot? Regularly? Never but will do so now? Never and never want to? Cum on, answer!

Labels: letters, rant, relationships, stressed teachers, weird things, what men want, what women want

posted by M at 5:23 pm 27 comments

Dear Ikea shopper,

You are a big wanker. Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, WANKER, WANKER, WANKER! ARGH!!

You've got your crappy do-it-yourself bed now MOVE ALONG CHUMP! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!

No, you DON'T have to double check every single FUCKING package at the checkout! Just don't! DON'T! You don't say to the checkout lady "hm, I think I might have 8 items" when in fact she scanned 7 and then spend the NEXT FIVE MINUTES searching endlessly for this mystery 8th item THAT ISN'T EVEN THERE. She scanned 7, GREAT! You just count your lucky stars that you're not paying for 8 and MOVE THE FUCK ALONG! No, don't INSIST on looking for it! The only think I insist is that you are a GRADE A (in capitals) WANKER. You know when you SHOULD have done that shit? WHEN YOU AND WIFEY WERE GETTING IT OFF THE FUCKING SHELF. Yes, checking items when you get them off the shelf may be like inventing fire to idiots like you but I maintain that it's a GREAT time to make sure you have your shit together. Guess what? There's TWO of you. that means that one gets it off the shelf and the other one DOES NOT STAND THERE GIGGLING LIKE SOME MORON, it's her job to check the shit so that you don't embarrass yourselves at the counter. How's that for a plan, team USA? Why would that be a good idea? Oh I don't know, maybe it's because people like me who know what they want are standing right behind you with my 1 item that should me about 2 MINUTES to get through the register with.. but nooooooo you turn what should have been an easy 2 minute journey into a 15 minute HELL RIDE TO SHITSVILLE!

I hate you....wanker!

Love,
Ikea shopper who actually knows what they are doing.




Dear people in charge of my Education region,


That conversation we had the other day really depressed me. I really felt like that was the last thing I needed to hear about my profession that day. I'm already hanging on by a thread.

For the record, no I don't think that teachers get too much PD and no I don't think that we should be doing more in house PD instead of going out and getting trained by specialists. No I don't think we should be letting the information filter down from teacher to teacher. When exactly do you think we have time to do all this in house networking? Do you realise how exhausted a day of teaching makes you? No, of COURSE you don't, you're a paper pusher. I don't think you understand very much at all. If you stop training teachers to be BETTER teachers then you will get exactly what you foster: CRAP TEACHERS WHO NEVER LEARN ANYTHING NEW.

I feel sad. I feel abandoned by the very people who are supposed to represent my needs. But you don't. You represent the almighty dollar. I don't know if I want to be part of your organisation anymore.

You suck!

Love,

Disillusioned teacher.




Dear Parent who came into my classroom today,

Thank you for saying what you said. Yes I'm chuffed that my group of parents "feel very, very lucky to have Miss F as a teacher". I thought it would be the opposite because of the art room thing. Personally I think being in the art room for a couple of years has made me a better CLASSROOM teacher than I was before but I never thought that parents would give me a chance. I thought I would have been eaten alive without a trail. I'm so happy that you said that my reputation pre-art and in the classroom proceeded me.

Thank you!

Love,

Your Daughter's Teacher.




Dear Friend,

I love you, I really do but I think it's totally bogan to go to the bottle shop and buy one of those little bottles of bubbly and drink it at a restaurant without ordering anything else.

Sorry, no I won't join you in a glass - I'm going to actually order something off the menu.

Am a bit Shocked to tell you the truth.

Me.




Dear S,

No, updating your "status" as "moving house" isn't actually the same as letting someone know that you've moved. We've only known each other for ooo... 18 years so I thought I'd at least qualify for a text.

Access to technology is great but it's not a substitute for good old fashioned courtesy.

Love,

Well, Not Love...Obviously.





Dear #1,

Love Baby S. I really do. I will sit and listen to all the crappy stories about how he bumps into walls and won't fall asleep. I'll sympathise and empathise and other "ises" ...anything, you're my friend. HOWEVER, being at the 1st birthday party was excruciating! I hated every second of it. It's no place for a single gal. You babied up folk are ...well you're really down right scary sometimes. It's frightening and I wanted to leave about 10 minutes after I got there. I really don't belong and I'm not sure I want to belong either. You're all cuckoo for coco pops - sorry but it's true. I hope you're not offended. I DID buy a really cool present.

Love,

Weirded out by babied up people.



Dear Mazda Driver,

I have memorised your car. Get on the Freeway going 80kms again and I swear to God I will hunt you down and rip out your still-beating heart. You think I have anger management issues? Well you're quite possibly right but you STILL need to get the in the left lane and STAY THERE FOREVER bucko! Or better yet, take a taxi. I don't understand why people like you even WANT to get on the freeway in the first place. What's the attraction: Pissing people off? We have plenty of roads out there where you can go 60kms or EVEN 40kms on school days! Sounds like your kind of speed to me.

Love

Late for Work and other Appointments.

Labels: Crazy Nutters, crazy people, letters, rant, school

posted by M at 10:47 pm 11 comments

Dear Corey,

How can I put this?

You make me want to tear out my womb and feed it to the German Shepherds who live down the road.

love,
Sick of the Yellow Sunglasses from Supre.



Dear Babied up people of the world,

Do not ring your spinster friend and then spend that time on the phone talking to your child instead. Spinster friend has got a shitlist.

It's getting longer.

Love
Spinster Friend.



Dear Creators of the show "Ready Steady Cook"

I'm going to miss watching you when I go back to work next week. Yes I really am that pathetic. I do have one question though. Does it REALLY count when you create a dish and use the contestant's "special ingredient" only as a garnish? Surely this is cheating!

Love,
Uptight Viewer.



Dear Girl sitting near me at the Cinemas the other day,

Your BO was so bad I couldn't concentrate on the movie! I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE! I actually took out my peppermint flavoured MIGRANE STICK and pretty much stuffed it up my nose just so I didn't have to smell YOU.

I don't think people need to smell flower fresh every second of the day but why sit near me when the cinema was practically empty. SO many other seats! A VAST NUMBER OF SEATS AAAAALLLL OVER THE PLACE. But hey, sure, sit right near me, no worries.

Love,
Very Serious About Having Good Movie Experience.


Dear Mother on the Beach with her Toddler the other day,

When your little boy pointed at that young, muscle bound dude who had just come in from his swim and exclaimed "Daddy" I smiled. You see, I had seen "daddy" when your family arrived earlier. He was middle aged, pudgy, was wearing full zinc on his nose and had a Gilligan bucket hat on his head. But when you looked down at your boy and said (complete with dead pan delivery) - "nooooooope, Daddy's body looks nothing like that" I laughed out loud.

Thanks for the laugh.

Girl Hiding Behind Book.



Dear Tom Cruise,

Listen here you little FREAK. What the fuck is up? I mean dude, WHAT IS UP with your threads? Is Xenu making you wear turtlenecks? Are you channeling an 8 year old circa 1986 for your hair style? Are you fucking mental? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE WITH SQUIlLLIONS OF DOLLARS AND PERSONAL ASSISTANTS WHO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, (PROBABLY EVEN WIPING YOUR ARSE), CAN MAKE SUCH GRAVE MISTAKES REGARDING FASHION LATELY! THIS IS NO TIME FOR PLAYING AROUND WITH SKIVVIES UNDER DRESS JACKETS - PEOPLE ALREADY THINK THAT YOU ARE A FREAKSHOW BONANZA AND THIS ISN'T HELPING MATTERS ANY.

CLEAN IT UP TOP GUN!

SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS BUT YOU MAKE ME VERY ANGRY FOR SOME REASON!

Love,
Not a Fan.


Dear Beastie Boys,

I'm a long time fan. You make me want to grab my womb back from the German Shepherds and put it right back in.

Seriously, I can't say this enough; you are fabulous.

Love
Me.


An Open Letter to NYC - Beastie Boys



Sabotage - Beastie Boys




*EDIT*

Here's a crappy meme - as you will soon see it's scarily accurate..

The rules were
1) Put ipod on shuffle
2) every answer = a shuffled song.
3) the song that randomly comes up is the answer.

I tag all of you to do it!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
saturday's night's alright for fighting - elton john

Yes, well - you see sometimes it's good to fight.


2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Tame - Pixies

Depends on the person - however maybe this is a consequence of #3.

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Licking Stick - James Brown

Ipod has done it again! I plead the fifth.

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Hanky Panky - Madonna

um, can I plead the 5th again? Oh look, there's a lovely butterfly over there..look! *run*

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
where the wild roses grow - nick cave

Oh goody, my life purpose is to die at the hands of a blood thirsty murderer. I will however look absolutely smashing while floating face up in a filthy lake.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Mayfair song - air

yes...well I have no idea what that is about. Perhaps I like playing monopoly a little TOO much

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
c'etait toi (you were the one) - billy joel

Why thank you! (Though I suppose the question is what do you REALLY think of me now that you know I have this song on my ipod?)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
holiday - madonna

quite. I always did wish for an extended holiday from them.

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
tu quieres volver - gipsy kings

I agree. I do think in other languages I don't understand very often.

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
soul bossa nova - quincy jones

Is it any wonder I almost failed stats in uni?

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I can't make it on time - The Ramones

Ipod knows I'm often late when meeting friends.

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
women - the easybeats

You see, ipod is also hinting that the end of my spinsterhood will be through lesbianism. Good one ipod, I shall look into it!

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Let it Be - The Beatles

lordy, this thing is good.

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
put your head on my shoulder - paul anka

ahhh, yes. You see this harks back to the days in my early teens when I actually wanted to be a disembodied head atop of someone elses shoulders. It was a short lived dream really - not a lot of money in it. Glad I went into teaching instead.

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
courage - sarah polly

absolutely. Lots and lots of courage pounding through my veins... Then I run like hell.

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
gave up - nin

yes, hence the needing of a holiday.

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I say a little prayer - dion warwick

good lord, I'm thinking the poor sod will be the one saying prayers but anyway.

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
psycho therapy - the ramones

hahahhaha, of course!

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
an american trilogy - elvis presley

Indeed, you see I'm much into popular culture, bad food and taking over small developing nations simply by using economic manipulation and brute force. Very American of me.

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
stuck on you - lionel ritchie

Apparently my biggest secret is actually the fact that I have Lionel Ritchie on my ipod but anyway. Aren't I glad to have that one out of the bag?

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
waiting - elizabeth daily

Currently waiting for their babies to grow up so that I get my friends back actually. Good one ipod - clever clogs!

22. WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR LOVE?
China - tori amos

hm, ipod is being quite obscure here. Has it got something to do with giving up my current life and moving overseas to China where I will be showered with many diamonds and treated like a queen? Yes, I think that's what Ipod might be saying.

oh wait, this is what *I'd* do for love, isn't it? um, well maybe I will move to china and ...start selling china goods for cheap prices to the foreign market - maybe my future love is in trade of some kind. Yesss. The more I think about it the more sense it makes.

23. WHAT IS YOUR STANCE ON RELIGION?
I don't like it like this - The Radio Dept.

Ipod obviously knows I was raised a catholic and now am disgruntled and confused.

24. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR JOB?
Cold Hearted Snake - Paula Abdul

Christ, ipod not only have you outed that I have Paula Abdul on my ipod but you've really hit the nail on the head about my workplace too!

25. OTHER BLOGGERS THINK THIS ABOUT YOU.
Release - pearl jam

From the looney bin I suppose.
You smug bastards!

Labels: crap cook, Crazy Nutters, crazy people, letters, media, meme, musical monday, pop culture, rant

posted by M at 11:49 pm 27 comments

Dear Red Ferrari driver who sped off in a roar from corner of Wellington and Alexandra Parade on Sunday afternoon,

Sorry to hear about your penis.

Love,

Girl who laughs at men who drive sports cars.



Dear little Prep girl in my class yesterday,

No, food dye isn't "something that kills food" but you saying that totally made my day.

Love,

Laughing Teacher.



Dear Hay Fever inducing thingies in the air.

FUCK.
YOU.
!

Love,

Sneezy McSneeze.



Dear Prin,

When you come into the Art Room saying nice things I know you want to borrow something. That's okay but last time I had to break into your office and steal back my staple gun using stealth methods. Please return the good wire cutters soon... or else.

Love,

Employee.



Dear People at Big Brother,

So you have given host Gretel the boot. Who you really should be giving the boot are the selection panel. Here's a tip - next year, no promo models, no breast implants, no ocker speaking metrosexual truckies (is it supposed to surprise us that he's in a macho profession but looks after his hair? pfft), no one with an IQ under 100, someone of a race OTHER than having an ancestry of colonial British settlers or Euro back 3 generations - in fact MORE than one token Euro would be nice. Please block any body who wants to pose for a men's magazine in the near future. If they want to do porn they should leak a sex video of themselves onto the internets just like everybody else.

Love,

Viewer.



Dear Teacher at School who has found the man of her dreams,

You look so happy that it makes me happy, even though we are not exactly friends.

It's lovely when you hear romantic stories that are not in a Mills and Boon.

Love,

M.



Dear Grade 6 class in the room next to mine,

I've seen you tearing up and down the corridors this last week. You're shouting, you're counting down to the bell at the top of your lungs and generally acting like dickheads.

I'm not looking forward to teaching art to you tomorrow. I might end up shanking one of you in the back if you're not careful.

That wouldn't be good for my criminal record.

Love,

Not Amused.



Dear Bro,

I'm sorry you had to sit though my photography class the other day. Everyone else said they were bringing a model to class... Everyone else apparently lied. I realise I owe you BIG TIME. Now, I'm a little worried about what you'll make ME do in return.

Love,

Sis.



Dear New Art Teacher,

I'm thinking about next year and not being there. I'm thinking about how much work I've put into organising the shelves and all the cool new stuff I've bought. It kind of KILLS me to give it up to you even though I know you'll do a fabulous job.

Love,

Thinking

Labels: dumb entry, letters

posted by M at 12:01 pm 18 comments

Dear Sheriff Lee Baca,

Why? Whyyyyyyyy? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Why did you release Paris Hilton from jail 42 days early? Is it because you saw her as a beautiful damsel in distress? Did you feel sorry for her because she cried? Was it because you were hard up?

Or maybe, you are just an incompetent shit for brains Sheriff that needs to retire ASAP.

Love,
Sick of Dumb Cops.




Dear Paris Hilton,

You are like, so NOT HOT! *giggle*

I bet you thought you were home free when you got released for "home detention" but instead you got served a can of whoop ASS and chucked back in! I laughed my head off, no really I did.

Love,
Not a Fan.




Dear Laura Doyle,

Your book "The Surrendered Wife" claims that a woman who never questions, criticises, or objects to their husband's decisions and demands and furthermore gives over all financial and decision making power to him will have a happy marriage.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!

Of course! Why would you ever have a fight with someone who is a plastic sex toy? There's no use fighting with that!

Unfortunately no one informed you that there is this other thing that exists in happy marriages - are you ready? It's called COMPROMISE! I know, it's a new fangled concept but I hear it really works. It's when both wife and husband hear each other out and try to accommodate the other party. Sometimes it works more for one, but sometimes it works more for the other. In the end, if done correctly it all evens out.

But I do agree with you on one thing - yes men should buy their own undies.

Love,
Dirty Femmo.




Dear Other Drivers on the Eastern Freeway on Wednesday Morning,

Did you see that Kangaroo bouncing happily towards the city, right alongside morning traffic?

For a second there I really felt like one of those Aussies that people overseas actually think we are (but aren't).

Wow.

Love,
Amazed Aussie.


Dear Man on Street in North Melbourne Last Night,

When you started moaning I clutched my handbag tight underneath my arm and walked faster but when you actually looked at your hamburger and started talking to it I became a contender for the 100m sprint in the next Olympics.

Are you a few short or did you have a few?

Love,
Chick with Handbag.


Dear Self,

So bro convinced you to go to the football to see the Hawks V Swans. It's been a while since you've been (12 years?) and about that long since you even thought about watching a game so you decided it would be interesting in a performance art kind of way to go.

You started the day like this:




And ended up like this




They can't take you anywhere.

Love,
Me




Dear Your Majesty Queen Blah Blah Blah,

Thank you ever so much for having a birthday so that we, a part of your humble monarchy may partake in a long weekend. Do you realise how excited we all were to have a three day weekend? I'm not a monarchist but I am a fan of public holidays

Cheers,
Fan of Public Holidays.

Labels: dirty femmo, letters, media

posted by M at 10:55 am 20 comments

Dear Ladies of Australia,

I realise it's exciting when a big name fashion designer finally decides to make a pair of pants that aren't going to set you back a cool thousand but really, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Descending like a pack of vultures on a pair of pants and a knit top is pathetic. I hate you.

love,

Me.


Dear Vagina,

I saw a tumbleweed blowing gently across your humble emptiness today. It didn't even bother me, I just stood by and let it roll past.

love,

Moi.


Dear Parent of that 18 Month Old Toddler Who Put The Car Into Gear and Ran Over You,

I guess when baby says he don't wanna go potty, then he don't wanna go potty. Capish?

Love,

Amused.

PS: No more 'Wiggles' music or dad gets it!


Dear Cleaner,

When you say you like me do you mean you like how anal I am about cleanliness around the art room or just sumthin sumthin ANAL?

Love,

Starting to Leave Before You Get There.


Dear Auntie T,

No, I don't think putting a sign across my chest that says "husband wanted" would work.

Thanks for the suggestion though,

Love,

Eternal Spinster.


Dear #1,

That conversation with you the other day made me feel less like a childless freak and more like the luckiest person in the world. I'm sad you have cracked nipples and a computer game playing husband that makes you feel like you're babysitting two kids. I love being able to squish my boobs without screaming in pain.

Of course squishing your own boobs is a bit pathetic.

hm.

Love,

Still thinking This One Out.


Dear Writers of the TV Show Scrubs,

I wish you would write me into your script. I would love to live inside you.

Love,

A Fan.



Dear Piece of Food on the Floor,

Was it 3 second rule or 30 second rule? Does it really matter, anyway? Starving children in Africa don't have any rules...or food.

Love,

Hungry.


Dear Bloggers,

You might not want to answer this but - right now you're pregnant do you Abort, Adopt out or just make it work hell or high water? Yes, boys, you get a choice too.

Love

Wondering.

Labels: letters, loony loony loony, questions

posted by M at 6:19 pm 69 comments

Dear Karma,

Hi, um yeah, I already totally believe in you. Therefore it was completely unnecessary to flex your fateful muscle by fucking me over today.

okay, yes you're right. Technically I fucked myself over (and not in the good way).

Love,

The girl you've met many times before.




Dear Grand Sheikh of Australia (or whatever the fuck you want to call yourself),

You are a goddamn dickhead. I don't like you at all. Not one fucking bit.

Love,
Not a piece of meat.

ps: I see you've met my friend Karma.




Dear Real Estate Agent,

When you ring me up on my mobile and say Heyyy is that young M I'm speaking to? like I'm 10 years old it makes me not want to buy a house from you.

Love,
An adult.



Dear Brain,

Please do some planning for your classes tomorrow, now! If you do it now you won't have to stress about it on the way to school tomorrow.

Please plan!

Love,
Sick of your shit.



Dear L Plate Driver,

Once upon a time I was exactly like you, but let me tell ya - I was scared driving behind you today.
Really
Fucking
Scared.

Love
Experienced.



Dear 'look at me, look at me' girl,


It's sexier if you don't try so hard to be "sexy".
You're turning into a cliche!

Love,
Observer.



Dear Axel Whitehead,

What was the point of flashing your penis at the ARIA awards? Is it because you are an Australian Idol reject rather than a real musician? Feel the pressure of real talent nipping at your toes?
You are a bogan.
Put it away, no one wanted to see it anyway.

Love,
Amused.




Dear Credit Card,

Please hold out until the end of the year!


Love
Me.




Dear Madonna,

I don't understand what all the fuss is about either.

Never talk about it to Oprah though. See what she did for Tom Cruise? You don't want any of that shit following you around, lady.


Love,
Me.




Dear Kate Moss,

How can you eat for two, when you can't even eat for one?

Love,
Concerned.




Dear Prep Kid,

I'm sorry I didn't believe you that there was such a thing as a cowfish. I just thought you were playing funny buggers with me because you didn't want to make a real sea creature out of clay and because well...you like cows.

I like cows too - they're cute.
But I'm sorry about the cowfish thing. It was a good effort, even though what you made it looks a bit like a sausage.

Love,
Art Teacher.

Labels: letters, rant

posted by M at 8:18 pm 25 comments