[Miscellany]

Dear Karma,

Hi, um yeah, I already totally believe in you. Therefore it was completely unnecessary to flex your fateful muscle by fucking me over today.

okay, yes you're right. Technically I fucked myself over (and not in the good way).

Love,

The girl you've met many times before.




Dear Grand Sheikh of Australia (or whatever the fuck you want to call yourself),

You are a goddamn dickhead. I don't like you at all. Not one fucking bit.

Love,
Not a piece of meat.

ps: I see you've met my friend Karma.




Dear Real Estate Agent,

When you ring me up on my mobile and say Heyyy is that young M I'm speaking to? like I'm 10 years old it makes me not want to buy a house from you.

Love,
An adult.



Dear Brain,

Please do some planning for your classes tomorrow, now! If you do it now you won't have to stress about it on the way to school tomorrow.

Please plan!

Love,
Sick of your shit.



Dear L Plate Driver,

Once upon a time I was exactly like you, but let me tell ya - I was scared driving behind you today.
Really
Fucking
Scared.

Love
Experienced.



Dear 'look at me, look at me' girl,


It's sexier if you don't try so hard to be "sexy".
You're turning into a cliche!

Love,
Observer.



Dear Axel Whitehead,

What was the point of flashing your penis at the ARIA awards? Is it because you are an Australian Idol reject rather than a real musician? Feel the pressure of real talent nipping at your toes?
You are a bogan.
Put it away, no one wanted to see it anyway.

Love,
Amused.




Dear Credit Card,

Please hold out until the end of the year!


Love
Me.




Dear Madonna,

I don't understand what all the fuss is about either.

Never talk about it to Oprah though. See what she did for Tom Cruise? You don't want any of that shit following you around, lady.


Love,
Me.




Dear Kate Moss,

How can you eat for two, when you can't even eat for one?

Love,
Concerned.




Dear Prep Kid,

I'm sorry I didn't believe you that there was such a thing as a cowfish. I just thought you were playing funny buggers with me because you didn't want to make a real sea creature out of clay and because well...you like cows.

I like cows too - they're cute.
But I'm sorry about the cowfish thing. It was a good effort, even though what you made it looks a bit like a sausage.

Love,
Art Teacher.

Labels: letters, rant

posted by M at 8:18 pm 25 comments