Sunday, June 10, 2007

Return to Sender

Dear Sheriff Lee Baca,


Why did you release Paris Hilton from jail 42 days early? Is it because you saw her as a beautiful damsel in distress? Did you feel sorry for her because she cried? Was it because you were hard up?

Or maybe, you are just an incompetent shit for brains Sheriff that needs to retire ASAP.

Sick of Dumb Cops.

Dear Paris Hilton,

You are like, so NOT HOT! *giggle*

I bet you thought you were home free when you got released for "home detention" but instead you got served a can of whoop ASS and chucked back in! I laughed my head off, no really I did.

Not a Fan.

Dear Laura Doyle,

Your book "The Surrendered Wife" claims that a woman who never questions, criticises, or objects to their husband's decisions and demands and furthermore gives over all financial and decision making power to him will have a happy marriage.


Of course! Why would you ever have a fight with someone who is a plastic sex toy? There's no use fighting with that!

Unfortunately no one informed you that there is this other thing that exists in happy marriages - are you ready? It's called COMPROMISE! I know, it's a new fangled concept but I hear it really works. It's when both wife and husband hear each other out and try to accommodate the other party. Sometimes it works more for one, but sometimes it works more for the other. In the end, if done correctly it all evens out.

But I do agree with you on one thing - yes men should buy their own undies.

Dirty Femmo.

Dear Other Drivers on the Eastern Freeway on Wednesday Morning,

Did you see that Kangaroo bouncing happily towards the city, right alongside morning traffic?

For a second there I really felt like one of those Aussies that people overseas actually think we are (but aren't).


Amazed Aussie.

Dear Man on Street in North Melbourne Last Night,

When you started moaning I clutched my handbag tight underneath my arm and walked faster but when you actually looked at your hamburger and started talking to it I became a contender for the 100m sprint in the next Olympics.

Are you a few short or did you have a few?

Chick with Handbag.

Dear Self,

So bro convinced you to go to the football to see the Hawks V Swans. It's been a while since you've been (12 years?) and about that long since you even thought about watching a game so you decided it would be interesting in a performance art kind of way to go.

You started the day like this:

"How now brown cow?"

And ended up like this

"Come on Dover, MOVE YER BLOOMIN' ARSE!"

They can't take you anywhere.


Dear Your Majesty Queen Blah Blah Blah,

Thank you ever so much for having a birthday so that we, a part of your humble monarchy may partake in a long weekend. Do you realise how excited we all were to have a three day weekend? I'm not a monarchist but I am a fan of public holidays

Fan of Public Holidays.

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