[Miscellany]

I had to yell at a grown man to do his job properly today.
That's right... yell.
It wasn't pretty.

When women are incompetent (or just want to get out of doing stuff) they play the damsel in distress card and if you happen to be good looking it works a treat with male bosses everywhere. *Bat eyelids*, but I just don't know what to dooo? *Bat eyelids again - bit of a pout*. God knows what ugly women do? Probably just get down to work I guess.

Meanwhile men have got the old Peter Pan Syndrome to fall back on. It's a tried and true recipe to get you out of ever taking any kind of responsibility for your job description. *joke, joke, joke ...oh you're trying to tell me about a problem you have?... let me deflect with this joke, joke, joke, disappear... oh you're going to track me down until you find me?... deflect by trying to confuse or blame others.. joke, go home early*.

What is with that? Why can't people just get in there, do their job and then go home? Why do people have to make it so hard by being fucktards?

I'm dealing with Mr. Peter Pan Jr a work at the moment and I really let him have it today when he told me to go and "do some homework" about a certain technical probably dealing with proxys and other server related accessibility issues that was HIS to deal with. I'm sorry, but that would be why he gets paid double my salary isn't it? - That is, to know his shit and get back to ME about it. Yes, Peter Pan happens to be in IT which is basically a euphemism for ... well I'm not going to say it... but seriously, does anyone NOT have a problem with their IT people at their place of work? We used to have one who was absolutely lovely, and would actually go out of his way to sit with you and work things out but it just turned out in the end that he had fucked our system up, and left us in the lurch. Still, I miss him. Especially since, every single other guy we've had in this position has been a complete moron who:

1) won't do their job
2) will actively try to get everyone else do to their job for them.
3) blames everyone else when their incompetence fucks things up.
4) outright lies about technology and makes the mistake of thinking that people who aren't in IT don't know anything about computers when yes actually we know you're lying because we're not retarded and do live in the 21st century you know!!
5) might actually have IT disease, which is the disease most IT people have.. which is why they end up in IT in the first place.*

Peter Pan is being re-employed next year. Why? Oooooh he's Peter Pan.

Who doesn't just love Peter Pan?

* to any IT people reading this out there... no offense, but you know it's true.

Labels: boys, computer stuff, Other women don't like you because you can't be trusted, peter pan

posted by M at 6:41 pm 16 comments

Hi there everyone! It's me, Bret Michaels from legendary bandanna sporting, crotch grabbing, eyeliner wearing hair band of the 80s: Poison. Remember us? We wrote such classics as Every Rose has its Thorn and erm... well I'll get back to you with the other ground breaking hits in a few hours, after I sober up. Now I'm singing country music down in Las Vegas. Go me. I'm like the Bob Dylan of hair bands.

It takes a lot to surprise me but I gotta be honest with you, when I was approached by VH1 to star in my very own Reality show I reacted immediately. I stumbled out of bed, left a $50 tip on the nightstand, applied some eyeliner, sprayed some hair spray, drank half a bottle of Southern Comfort, fell into a diabetic coma for a few hours, partied with the girls at the local strip joint, forgot where I was, found myself in a foreign town that spoke no English, performed Unskinny Bop for $23 in loose change in a lesbian bar, finally remembered about the call from VH1 and squealed like an excited little girl. MY VERY OWN REALITY TV SHOW! Can you imagine?

I called my bodyguard, Big John, immediately and started making plans. Say goodbye to crap country music FOREVA, BJ - VH1 like me, they really, really like me! So, pack up the trailer and bandannas - we're hittin' the big smoke and we'll never be hungry again! Big John was all like, Let's not hold our breath mate. This could be a big ruse to make you look really dumb in front of millions of people. Is that what you really want? Man, that Big John sure is a pessimist. But he's right about the ruse - I don't want to overdo it with the blusher on television. I already made that mistake in 1987 and I ain't goin' back to that. No sir. From now on it's just a wee bit of eyeliner, hair spray, fake tan, maybe some lipstick and mascara when I go out, an eyebrow pluck from Georgio on Rodeo Drive (he's just divine!), monthly botox, a girdle (a man doesn't just SLIP into a pair of pleather pants you know!) and "nearly nude" nail polish. You won't catch me dead in "ruse" these days. Well, not everyday anyway!

I gotta be honest with you, the premise of the show was a real turn on. There's me and Big John and then there are about 20 or so women who all want to sleep with me. Looking at them all is like looking at an explosion at the peroxide and silicone factory. It's hair and boobs as far as the eye can see. HEAVEN! After a few days I get to pick ONE who gets to be my girlfriend for the next 5 minutes. It's the coolest idea ever - because everyone who knows me knows I'm just any other average guy with big long peroxided hair who shoves a pair of socks down his tight pants: I'm just looking for the right girl to settle down with and complete my lonely hearts club band.

When we went into this I made it abundantly clear that I wanted a real relationship out of this. I may have slept with thousands of women in my time, most of them while completely inebriated and I'm sure some of them not even women. Hell, some of them may not have even been human, I don't know... I don't like to dwell on it, but I've had a lot of sex. I mean ... A SHITLOAD. Lately I've been thinking about my own daughters - precious jewels that they are. If I keep going like I am now - eventually I'm going to end up sleeping with them too! I mean, it's inevitable. It's time for me to find a nice girl who will see me through to my old age - even though due to my plastic surgery I still look like a fresh faced 46 year old with a reaaallly tight face.

That's why when it came to picking the girls I only picked ones who I thought would be up to taking this as seriously as I was going to be. This is LOVE we're talking about here not just about gyrating on a mechanical bull in the middle of an unclassy restaurant (though a bit of that turns me on, I won't lie!) Sure, if I get a blow job here or there out of it, that's just an added perk. A lot of people don't know this about me but I'm extremely sensitive and sympathetic to womyn and their causes. I really wanted to pick ladies for my show that would not only compliment me but also be fully representative of every kind of womyn out there in the world:

Strippers = check.
Psycho bitch from hell = check
Dumb blondes = check
Bitchy whores = check.
Drunktards who will do anything = check.
Barely legals = check
Sluts = check
Porn queens = check.
Hotties = check
Womyn wearing cowboy hats = check.
Slightly emotionally unstable but still hot = check.
Ladies willing to pole dance and suck face on national TV = CHECK!
Boob job whores = check and CHECK!

As I said - a wide variety of lovely ladies. I just couldn't wait to get down and dirty and even Big John couldn't wait. I usually throw him a bone or two when it comes to the ladies.

Anyway, everyday was a big turn on, I'm not going to lie to you. Everything these precious ladies did was a big turn on for me. Scrag fights about PETA - turn on. Stalkishly telling me they love me on day one - turn on. Spraying hairspray that still contained CFCs - BIG turn on! Hell, one of them threw up at the dinner table one night - and I almost blew it right there at the table. Luckily I keep a pair of sports socks shoved down my pants at all times so I didn't have to go "refresh" myself at all. I gotta be honest with you, I'm turning myself on just writing about it. What can I say? Life is turn on when you have big hair and pretty much get to schtup every gal you meet. But I'm a SNAG, really. I believe in a womyn's right to schtup every guy she meets too. Especially if that guy is me!

So anyway, I didn't really end up finding my true love on the show. I don't know how it all went pear shaped to tell you the truth. You see all the girls on the show got really pissed at me because they said that one of the girls on the show was psychotic and they couldn't understand why I kept her on the show. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary at all! She was just being assertive! Okay, once I did walk in on her holding a bloody knife in one hand and somebody elses small intestine in the other. I think it belonged to the other girl that was lying on the floor bleeding to death but you know... looking back who knows what was going on? And was it even my business anyway? Sometimes you just gotta give womyn some space to do what they have to do. I understand that about them, trust me. This knife wielding lovely was probably just expressing herself. Plus, she was totally topless and turning me on. I like that in a woman.

When it comes down to it, it was really those other girls who were so bitter for not giving her a chance. Girls always do this to each other. They just can't get along! Why girls can't get along with other girls who threaten to lie, cheat, steal and kill in order to get what they want is beyond me. I have slept with thousands of women and maybe even some animals and I'm telling you, they're not that hard to figure out. I mean, the way I see it is that if a girl is hot then there is no way that she will also be a bitch or psychotic, right? It's just that other women are always JEALOUS of women who are hot. It's as simple as that.

You might call me stupid for having type 1 diabetes and still drinking my body weight in pure alcohol every night but you simply CANNOT call me stupid for the way I see women. I am always right when it comes to women. Always. In fact I'm so good that my search for my one true love has taken me to season 3 of my show!! Can you believe it? It's so fulfilling, finding myself week after week in the back of a tour bus with a different young thing, through this journey of love. All I've ever wanted is a special angel who shares my penchant for loose women, peroxide, fake tans and bad hair extensions. This is so going to happen for me soon. I can feel it!

Unskinny Bop - Poison

Labels: fake guest post, Other women don't like you because you can't be trusted, what women want

posted by M at 12:00 am 13 comments

She's that girl no one trusts with their boyfriend. Even she will even admit that girls don't like her but I just don't know why. I'll tell you why. She's the Viper Woman. You probably know her. She's competitive when it comes to men, she'll flirt with your boyfriend, hell - she'll flirt with any man you say you're interested in and in fact at a party she pretty much ignores all the women and makes a beeline for the men. She thrives on the attention. It would be fine if she wasn't such a destructive person. Bottom line - she's only in it for herself.

A few bottles of red into the evening conversation turned to her. We had already exhausted those well worn topics like: What the hell do men really want in a woman - and does she really exist? (more perplexed than ever), 'Why the hell don't they just ring when they say they will?' (The answer is fuzzier than ever), Where do they go when they disappear? (Narnia?), Stupid shit we've done while drunk (am incredibly good and never done anything stupid) and the ever glorious 'Why best girlfriends are so great' conversations - so it was inevitable that after we got onto friends that talk would quickly turn to enemies soon after. This is where the Viper Woman came in. The conversation took the dangerous journey into 'women you can't trust' territory. ooooo

*cue flash of lightning, thunder crash and spooky organ music*

C turned storyteller for a while leaning right forward into the Tim Tams as she related the tale of her ex-best friend. I grab a slightly melted Tim Tam (...for the road). The making of the Viper Woman started with simple game playing. C and her friends would walk into a bar and soon after Viper woman was making a beeline for all the men C happened to be interested in. I take a sip of my wine - the warmth filling my mouth (and mind). This is beginning to sound familiar, you relate a tale of a girl you know that did something very similar. C sits back and picks up her wine glass at the blub, she takes a gulp and then licks at the trickle of red on her lips. I always knew I couldn't trust her she says measuredly but I never thought she'd do it to me.

The story goes on, C explains how Viper Woman emerged when the men were around. She never talked to her friends when they went out together - she had a goal; men - lucky them, but not so lucky for the friends. After a while C began picking men at random in the bar and casually mentioning she thought they were lovely - even if she didn't think so - it was a test you see. Cue Viper Woman. Soon Viper Woman had slept with every boyfriend of all her so called best friends. She justified it by saying that if those men had been "good ones" they wouldn't have been tempted. Perhaps quite true, but that doesn't make her any less of a bitch now does it?

Before she slept with C's boyfriend Viper Woman made sure she told C exactly what was going to happen. After a night out together (VW, C and the boyfriend) she strolled up and told C that she was going to go home with him. C remarked that if Viper did this then she would be down a friend. C said that she would never speak to her again. Viper smirked, turned around and walked out of the club. C was true to her word. She never spoke to her again.

The last C had heard Viper Woman was unhappily married to a man who she was paranoid was sleeping around on her. Obviously a girl like this has no girlfriends to confide in and be supportive, and while the men loved her once upon a time, they only did so because they wanted to screw her - so no friends found there either.

C finished her tale and I am still holding the same Tim Tam that I was when she started. I take a bite and chew. So, these guys.. Did they have any idea of what a bitch she was? C shrugs, I doubt it, of if they did they certainly didn't care.

Wow.

Have you ever been friends with or stung by a Viper Women? Are you one yourself?
Men: do you notice Viper Women in action, and do you actually care?
And is there a male equivalent of a Viper Woman*?


*I mean apart from Rick "Jesse's Girl" Springfield

Labels: flirting when you shouldn't, friends, hussy, men, Other women don't like you because you can't be trusted, questions, Rick Springfield, story, tim tams, vicious women, wine, wonderings

posted by M at 11:37 pm 21 comments