Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Guest Post!!!!!

Hi there everyone! It's me, Bret Michaels from legendary bandanna sporting, crotch grabbing, eyeliner wearing hair band of the 80s: Poison. Remember us? We wrote such classics as Every Rose has its Thorn and erm... well I'll get back to you with the other ground breaking hits in a few hours, after I sober up. Now I'm singing country music down in Las Vegas. Go me. I'm like the Bob Dylan of hair bands.

It takes a lot to surprise me but I gotta be honest with you, when I was approached by VH1 to star in my very own Reality show I reacted immediately. I stumbled out of bed, left a $50 tip on the nightstand, applied some eyeliner, sprayed some hair spray, drank half a bottle of Southern Comfort, fell into a diabetic coma for a few hours, partied with the girls at the local strip joint, forgot where I was, found myself in a foreign town that spoke no English, performed Unskinny Bop for $23 in loose change in a lesbian bar, finally remembered about the call from VH1 and squealed like an excited little girl. MY VERY OWN REALITY TV SHOW! Can you imagine?

I called my bodyguard, Big John, immediately and started making plans. Say goodbye to crap country music FOREVA, BJ - VH1 like me, they really, really like me! So, pack up the trailer and bandannas - we're hittin' the big smoke and we'll never be hungry again! Big John was all like, Let's not hold our breath mate. This could be a big ruse to make you look really dumb in front of millions of people. Is that what you really want? Man, that Big John sure is a pessimist. But he's right about the ruse - I don't want to overdo it with the blusher on television. I already made that mistake in 1987 and I ain't goin' back to that. No sir. From now on it's just a wee bit of eyeliner, hair spray, fake tan, maybe some lipstick and mascara when I go out, an eyebrow pluck from Georgio on Rodeo Drive (he's just divine!), monthly botox, a girdle (a man doesn't just SLIP into a pair of pleather pants you know!) and "nearly nude" nail polish. You won't catch me dead in "ruse" these days. Well, not everyday anyway!

I gotta be honest with you, the premise of the show was a real turn on. There's me and Big John and then there are about 20 or so women who all want to sleep with me. Looking at them all is like looking at an explosion at the peroxide and silicone factory. It's hair and boobs as far as the eye can see. HEAVEN! After a few days I get to pick ONE who gets to be my girlfriend for the next 5 minutes. It's the coolest idea ever - because everyone who knows me knows I'm just any other average guy with big long peroxided hair who shoves a pair of socks down his tight pants: I'm just looking for the right girl to settle down with and complete my lonely hearts club band.

When we went into this I made it abundantly clear that I wanted a real relationship out of this. I may have slept with thousands of women in my time, most of them while completely inebriated and I'm sure some of them not even women. Hell, some of them may not have even been human, I don't know... I don't like to dwell on it, but I've had a lot of sex. I mean ... A SHITLOAD. Lately I've been thinking about my own daughters - precious jewels that they are. If I keep going like I am now - eventually I'm going to end up sleeping with them too! I mean, it's inevitable. It's time for me to find a nice girl who will see me through to my old age - even though due to my plastic surgery I still look like a fresh faced 46 year old with a reaaallly tight face.

That's why when it came to picking the girls I only picked ones who I thought would be up to taking this as seriously as I was going to be. This is LOVE we're talking about here not just about gyrating on a mechanical bull in the middle of an unclassy restaurant (though a bit of that turns me on, I won't lie!) Sure, if I get a blow job here or there out of it, that's just an added perk. A lot of people don't know this about me but I'm extremely sensitive and sympathetic to womyn and their causes. I really wanted to pick ladies for my show that would not only compliment me but also be fully representative of every kind of womyn out there in the world:

Strippers = check.
Psycho bitch from hell = check
Dumb blondes = check
Bitchy whores = check.
Drunktards who will do anything = check.
Barely legals = check
Sluts = check
Porn queens = check.
Hotties = check
Womyn wearing cowboy hats = check.
Slightly emotionally unstable but still hot = check.
Ladies willing to pole dance and suck face on national TV = CHECK!
Boob job whores = check and CHECK!

As I said - a wide variety of lovely ladies. I just couldn't wait to get down and dirty and even Big John couldn't wait. I usually throw him a bone or two when it comes to the ladies.

Anyway, everyday was a big turn on, I'm not going to lie to you. Everything these precious ladies did was a big turn on for me. Scrag fights about PETA - turn on. Stalkishly telling me they love me on day one - turn on. Spraying hairspray that still contained CFCs - BIG turn on! Hell, one of them threw up at the dinner table one night - and I almost blew it right there at the table. Luckily I keep a pair of sports socks shoved down my pants at all times so I didn't have to go "refresh" myself at all. I gotta be honest with you, I'm turning myself on just writing about it. What can I say? Life is turn on when you have big hair and pretty much get to schtup every gal you meet. But I'm a SNAG, really. I believe in a womyn's right to schtup every guy she meets too. Especially if that guy is me!

So anyway, I didn't really end up finding my true love on the show. I don't know how it all went pear shaped to tell you the truth. You see all the girls on the show got really pissed at me because they said that one of the girls on the show was psychotic and they couldn't understand why I kept her on the show. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary at all! She was just being assertive! Okay, once I did walk in on her holding a bloody knife in one hand and somebody elses small intestine in the other. I think it belonged to the other girl that was lying on the floor bleeding to death but you know... looking back who knows what was going on? And was it even my business anyway? Sometimes you just gotta give womyn some space to do what they have to do. I understand that about them, trust me. This knife wielding lovely was probably just expressing herself. Plus, she was totally topless and turning me on. I like that in a woman.

When it comes down to it, it was really those other girls who were so bitter for not giving her a chance. Girls always do this to each other. They just can't get along! Why girls can't get along with other girls who threaten to lie, cheat, steal and kill in order to get what they want is beyond me. I have slept with thousands of women and maybe even some animals and I'm telling you, they're not that hard to figure out. I mean, the way I see it is that if a girl is hot then there is no way that she will also be a bitch or psychotic, right? It's just that other women are always JEALOUS of women who are hot. It's as simple as that.

You might call me stupid for having type 1 diabetes and still drinking my body weight in pure alcohol every night but you simply CANNOT call me stupid for the way I see women. I am always right when it comes to women. Always. In fact I'm so good that my search for my one true love has taken me to season 3 of my show!! Can you believe it? It's so fulfilling, finding myself week after week in the back of a tour bus with a different young thing, through this journey of love. All I've ever wanted is a special angel who shares my penchant for loose women, peroxide, fake tans and bad hair extensions. This is so going to happen for me soon. I can feel it!

Unskinny Bop - Poison

Labels: , ,