[Miscellany]

Hi there everyone! It's me, Bret Michaels from legendary bandanna sporting, crotch grabbing, eyeliner wearing hair band of the 80s: Poison. Remember us? We wrote such classics as Every Rose has its Thorn and erm... well I'll get back to you with the other ground breaking hits in a few hours, after I sober up. Now I'm singing country music down in Las Vegas. Go me. I'm like the Bob Dylan of hair bands.

It takes a lot to surprise me but I gotta be honest with you, when I was approached by VH1 to star in my very own Reality show I reacted immediately. I stumbled out of bed, left a $50 tip on the nightstand, applied some eyeliner, sprayed some hair spray, drank half a bottle of Southern Comfort, fell into a diabetic coma for a few hours, partied with the girls at the local strip joint, forgot where I was, found myself in a foreign town that spoke no English, performed Unskinny Bop for $23 in loose change in a lesbian bar, finally remembered about the call from VH1 and squealed like an excited little girl. MY VERY OWN REALITY TV SHOW! Can you imagine?

I called my bodyguard, Big John, immediately and started making plans. Say goodbye to crap country music FOREVA, BJ - VH1 like me, they really, really like me! So, pack up the trailer and bandannas - we're hittin' the big smoke and we'll never be hungry again! Big John was all like, Let's not hold our breath mate. This could be a big ruse to make you look really dumb in front of millions of people. Is that what you really want? Man, that Big John sure is a pessimist. But he's right about the ruse - I don't want to overdo it with the blusher on television. I already made that mistake in 1987 and I ain't goin' back to that. No sir. From now on it's just a wee bit of eyeliner, hair spray, fake tan, maybe some lipstick and mascara when I go out, an eyebrow pluck from Georgio on Rodeo Drive (he's just divine!), monthly botox, a girdle (a man doesn't just SLIP into a pair of pleather pants you know!) and "nearly nude" nail polish. You won't catch me dead in "ruse" these days. Well, not everyday anyway!

I gotta be honest with you, the premise of the show was a real turn on. There's me and Big John and then there are about 20 or so women who all want to sleep with me. Looking at them all is like looking at an explosion at the peroxide and silicone factory. It's hair and boobs as far as the eye can see. HEAVEN! After a few days I get to pick ONE who gets to be my girlfriend for the next 5 minutes. It's the coolest idea ever - because everyone who knows me knows I'm just any other average guy with big long peroxided hair who shoves a pair of socks down his tight pants: I'm just looking for the right girl to settle down with and complete my lonely hearts club band.

When we went into this I made it abundantly clear that I wanted a real relationship out of this. I may have slept with thousands of women in my time, most of them while completely inebriated and I'm sure some of them not even women. Hell, some of them may not have even been human, I don't know... I don't like to dwell on it, but I've had a lot of sex. I mean ... A SHITLOAD. Lately I've been thinking about my own daughters - precious jewels that they are. If I keep going like I am now - eventually I'm going to end up sleeping with them too! I mean, it's inevitable. It's time for me to find a nice girl who will see me through to my old age - even though due to my plastic surgery I still look like a fresh faced 46 year old with a reaaallly tight face.

That's why when it came to picking the girls I only picked ones who I thought would be up to taking this as seriously as I was going to be. This is LOVE we're talking about here not just about gyrating on a mechanical bull in the middle of an unclassy restaurant (though a bit of that turns me on, I won't lie!) Sure, if I get a blow job here or there out of it, that's just an added perk. A lot of people don't know this about me but I'm extremely sensitive and sympathetic to womyn and their causes. I really wanted to pick ladies for my show that would not only compliment me but also be fully representative of every kind of womyn out there in the world:

Strippers = check.
Psycho bitch from hell = check
Dumb blondes = check
Bitchy whores = check.
Drunktards who will do anything = check.
Barely legals = check
Sluts = check
Porn queens = check.
Hotties = check
Womyn wearing cowboy hats = check.
Slightly emotionally unstable but still hot = check.
Ladies willing to pole dance and suck face on national TV = CHECK!
Boob job whores = check and CHECK!

As I said - a wide variety of lovely ladies. I just couldn't wait to get down and dirty and even Big John couldn't wait. I usually throw him a bone or two when it comes to the ladies.

Anyway, everyday was a big turn on, I'm not going to lie to you. Everything these precious ladies did was a big turn on for me. Scrag fights about PETA - turn on. Stalkishly telling me they love me on day one - turn on. Spraying hairspray that still contained CFCs - BIG turn on! Hell, one of them threw up at the dinner table one night - and I almost blew it right there at the table. Luckily I keep a pair of sports socks shoved down my pants at all times so I didn't have to go "refresh" myself at all. I gotta be honest with you, I'm turning myself on just writing about it. What can I say? Life is turn on when you have big hair and pretty much get to schtup every gal you meet. But I'm a SNAG, really. I believe in a womyn's right to schtup every guy she meets too. Especially if that guy is me!

So anyway, I didn't really end up finding my true love on the show. I don't know how it all went pear shaped to tell you the truth. You see all the girls on the show got really pissed at me because they said that one of the girls on the show was psychotic and they couldn't understand why I kept her on the show. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary at all! She was just being assertive! Okay, once I did walk in on her holding a bloody knife in one hand and somebody elses small intestine in the other. I think it belonged to the other girl that was lying on the floor bleeding to death but you know... looking back who knows what was going on? And was it even my business anyway? Sometimes you just gotta give womyn some space to do what they have to do. I understand that about them, trust me. This knife wielding lovely was probably just expressing herself. Plus, she was totally topless and turning me on. I like that in a woman.

When it comes down to it, it was really those other girls who were so bitter for not giving her a chance. Girls always do this to each other. They just can't get along! Why girls can't get along with other girls who threaten to lie, cheat, steal and kill in order to get what they want is beyond me. I have slept with thousands of women and maybe even some animals and I'm telling you, they're not that hard to figure out. I mean, the way I see it is that if a girl is hot then there is no way that she will also be a bitch or psychotic, right? It's just that other women are always JEALOUS of women who are hot. It's as simple as that.

You might call me stupid for having type 1 diabetes and still drinking my body weight in pure alcohol every night but you simply CANNOT call me stupid for the way I see women. I am always right when it comes to women. Always. In fact I'm so good that my search for my one true love has taken me to season 3 of my show!! Can you believe it? It's so fulfilling, finding myself week after week in the back of a tour bus with a different young thing, through this journey of love. All I've ever wanted is a special angel who shares my penchant for loose women, peroxide, fake tans and bad hair extensions. This is so going to happen for me soon. I can feel it!

Unskinny Bop - Poison

Labels: fake guest post, Other women don't like you because you can't be trusted, what women want

posted by M at 12:00 am 13 comments

Today I spent the whole day filming with my students for this project we're doing. After school I receieved an email from the regional project manager letting me know that there is a private website where our film crew can write a blog about our experiences. I had to smile to myself when I thought about what these kids would write.

Wednesday August 22nd 2007

Today I got a whole day off from school and guess what?!??!!!! Tomorrow I get ANOTHER whole day off from school as well, just for making a movie! This is the BESTEST DAY EVA!

Signed
Lighting.


Wednesday August 22nd 2007

Miss F yelled at me today - she said I was "being irresponsible" and that she "didn't expect the sound manager to be the loudest person on set - especially after filming had already started" - she is sooo picky. I decided to go work on the music for the project while everyone was filming instead - Miss F went nuts at me for not "letting her know where I was going". Considering we took three hours to film 30 seconds of footage I thought it would be better to do something else useful at the same time. What's wrong with that? Miss F keeps looking at the sky and yelling "serenity now" for some reason, then she clenches her fists and lets a sigh of air slowly escape from her mouth so it makes a hissssssing sound. I think she might be spazzing out. I'm scared.

Signed
Audio.


Wednesday August 22nd 2007

I do everything in this group I'm so sick of it. First I had to visit each teacher and let them know we were filming and then I had to prepare the set, then I had to write a letter to state parliament to get permission to use some footage we want to use, then I had to track down some sticky tape to stick a sign up, then I had to beg the principal to let us use her office AND I had to organise all the meetings AND I also hold a clip board all day. I don't know why Miss F is looking so stressed when it's clear that *I'm* doing all the work.

Signed
Producer.


Wednesday August 22nd 2007

Today I got to yell "quiet on set" because the Audio guy went missing or something. It was soooo cool!!!!!!! Miss F was not happy about him disappearing. She also keeps asking me for the storyboard - how do I tell her I haven't finished yet? She says it's impractical for us to film without a completed storyboard and that I need to 'get it sorted, pronto'. We seem to be doing okay to me. Well maybe it's going a little slowly...

signed
Storyboard.


Wednesday August 22nd 2007

I hope Miss F doesn't notice that my camera work is shakey. I'm going through coffee withdrawals.

Signed
Camera man.


Wednesday August 22nd 2007

Well, I just don't know what I did to put everyone off side today. Okay so I was 1 hour late to filming and then had a ballet exam so I missed 2 other hours of filming and THEN I told her that I had a music lesson during filming tomorrow. What's the big deal anyway? I'm sure I told her about all this yesterday! It's unfair that she turned away like she couldn't look at me.

Signed
Editor.



Wednesday August 22nd 2007

Months ago I wrote this great script for a movie and today I saw it being ripped apart via the hands of a hoodie wearing emo camera guy and a director who doesn't appreciate context - all in the name of "movie making". I think when I finally write my novel I will make sure it is never turned into a Hollywood movie.

Signed
Script Writer.


Wednesday August 22nd 2007

I just loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove yelling "ACTION". Love it! Love it!
Love.
It!

Signed
Director.

I might keep the blog to myself for a while.

Labels: fake guest post, school, stressed teachers

posted by M at 9:22 pm 18 comments

Hi,

My name is (allegedly) Mark Philippoussis, but you may know me more commonly as The Poo. No idea why people call me that, apparently there's a double entendre in there somewhere but I don't know what that means either.

I went to school at some famous College in Melbourne. It's basically a private school for people who have more money than brains and where a lot of drugs are bought and sold (allegedly). Aces! Not that school mattered much to me, mind you. I always had one vision, one goal, one dream and that dream was to become the world's greatest casanova.

Dad thought I should have a fall back career so he coached me right into the Australian Open Tennis Championships. I told dad it was a no-go but he wouldn't have any of that crap. He wanted me to have a good career, one that would be stable and see me through to retirement. Professional tennis is not very demanding and therefore perfect for that so I reluctantly agreed. Soon I was winning tournaments but it was distracting me from my true goal of (allegedly) romancing young teenage girls so I picked up my game on that instead. At first this was okay because, I too was a young teenager - but now that I'm 31(ish) I find it hard to explain my (very alleged) love for the young ones. No one is buying "I just tripped and my (alleged) penis fell into her (alleged) vagina" anymore. Mostly because it's alleged or sumthing.

When I won my first few big games at the open I bought myself a Lamborghini and a Hummer. People wondered why I would need a car like a Hummer in Melbourne, but these people obviously don't know what a rugged terrain it is out there. It's jungle and crocodiles everywhere! And I mean EVERYWHERE!

Anyway, dad was (allegedly) getting angry that I was spending all my money on cars and girls so I fired him as coach. Then I started losing games and my knee went to shit. But I'll give you the hot tip - even though I was already a washed up tennis has-been (at 26ish) I was already primed for my true calling of casanova. Aces, I was loving myself sick!

I (allegedly) admit that I may have been a shithouse tennis player with a lucky serve but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's treating the ladies fine.

Ask any of my girlfriends and they'll tell you what a catch I was (and still am). Don't ask Delta Goodrem though. I know she had cancer and needed "support" from me at the time because I was her "boyfriend" and "one true love" but dude, PARIS HILTON wanted to have (alleged) skanky anonymous SEX with me. I'm talking PENIS and VAGINA. Would you pass that up? Girlfriend is fiiiiiiine (and totally classy). No idea how the media got a hold of that one.

Then I (allegedly) got involved with a...err ...girl but kept it on the down low up until she turned 18 and then it was ON. Suddenly we were all set to get married and have a big fat Greek wedding except ..it didn't happen. She wasn't even Greek!

I was a bit sad about that. She was perfect for me. I mean, she was just out of high school..but she was still perfect for me. Come to think of it, I didn't really know that much about her - but she was HOT, SMOKIN' HOT! My friends are like, 'Poo, you need to settle down with women who have substance and start looking for qualities in a girl that go beyond the superficial' and I'm like "It's not just about their cha-chas man, I totally care about what they wear too, I care about their hair, and hot sex. I'm the least superficial guy I know. I live in Las Vegas guys. I'm totally about keeping it real". They just shake their heads and feel sorry for me for some reason.

The truth is, I really *don't* get why I haven't married and settled down yet. I'm TOTALLY open to falling into true love with a girl as long as she's young and hot and an 11 out of 10. I may be a (allegedly) a bozo with a crap personality and a washed up career with nothing to offer a prospective wife and future mother of my children, but I deserve a hottie, dammit. I just don't get why I don't get everything I ask for. It's soooo unfair!!!

Anyway, I was playing with my new little puppy a few months ago when I got a call from my manager. He said "guess what the Age of Love is?" and I'm like (totally made up) "Bazza, mate I have no idea..what? Is it.. like 15 and a half?" and he's like "not over the phone Mark... And no, it's the new television show you're going to be staring in! We're going to find you a wife!".

I was sooooo excited I squealed.

After we taped the first episode of the show the producers explained how the show is going to have me picking through two important demographics of women. Young hotties and old hags. I'm thinking "this is going to be sooo easy". They were like "the first group consists of women who are over the age of 40 and the second group are in their 20s" "Sounds good" I said..."That's the old ones taken care of but what about the young hotties?" They explained that the 20 year olds ARE the young hotties! Whoa...what? WHOA.

This sounds like it's going to take a bit of getting used to. Wish me luck!

Labels: alleged, crap reality tele, fake guest post, made up story, media, men, pop culture, TV, women

posted by M at 2:48 am 24 comments