[Miscellany]

The 'officially old' birthdays are coming strong and fast now. I've celebrated (and commiserated with) quite a few in the last month. It's meant that I've had to come out of my otherwise rather comfortable hibernation and socialise with people again. I have to be honest and say that I'm finding it really hard to do this. Hiding away has been like a little blanket keeping me warm in an otherwise bitter winter. Socialising is all too hard because I can't be bothered making small talk with people who, when sober, never think of catching up with me.

It's also been a time of ..emotional spring cleaning I suppose. I'm wondering with great curiosity who my real friends really are. Are they the people that pick you up? Are they the people that ring you out of the blue? Are they the people that think about you before they go to sleep? Are they just the people who invite you to their birthdays or the ones who add you on facebook?

Maybe there's a lot going on with everyone else but lately I find myself wondering what it (friendship) means, and who they are. Maybe the problem lies with me, I don't ask for a lot. I don't actually ever ask for anything. Nothing. I don't ask people to step out of their way for me at all and I haven't done so for many years now. And I'm fully willing to respect the fact that it's my own trust issues that are on display here, not anyone elses. Maybe I'm not a good friend. However, I have to say recently I did ask a few friends to do something for me and it was something minimal (to be present at a dinner) and well... it didn't happen (the reasons I won't go into but were petty). This is beginning to sound like a teenage girl's dear diary but I've been there for birthdays, engagements, weddings, births etc, often arriving and leaving alone (though I have a rather severe anxiety about doing so) and going to places where I really don't feel comfortable at all and 100% of the time with a present in hand to boot. I've been the person that has been woken up at 3am by a crying someone wanting comfort. I've been the person who has said yes I'll be your crutch in any situation. But the same hasn't really come back to me or ...for me. The whole situation has forced me to evaluate a lot of things and also to evaluate myself and where I stand in the world. It's been ...difficult - made more difficult by not being able to hibernate to the extend that I need to at the moment.

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest oh dear diary. Now I'm going to go write bad poetry and rim my eyes with black eyeliner.

Here's a song - a long time favourite that has helped me to swim a little in an otherwise drown-worthy situation. God knows that when the chips are down I can always turn to music. Always.



Maps - Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs.




(I was talking to someone the other night about the song Let's Dance to Joy Division by The Wombats. He was saying how much he liked it and I didn't really know that much about The Wombats but said that I loved Joy Division. He said that he thought JD were ohhhkaaay but hadn't really listened to much their stuff. I immediately made the loud proclamation that he was not allowed to like a song with such a title if he didn't have an extensive knowledge of Joy Division first. Am I being too harsh? I stand by my statement though I must also point out that I was a little tipsy (read: obnoxiously drunk and pissed off with the world and didn't really mean to take it out on the poor guy).

Labels: friends, music, musings, the mean reds, wonderings

posted by M at 11:47 pm 22 comments

Being back at school means I'm busier than I've been in many months. I realise now that although the art role was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done - and rewarding beyond belief - this role, teaching these first year students is all encompassing and means not one moment to myself. I'd forgotten how much of yourself you lose when you're a teacher. From wake - almost all the way to sleep I am consumed by my job. I'm putting in 12 hour days every day and come home exhausted, only to wake up to do it all over again. On my salary, that is above and beyond the call of duty. This is not so good for my psychosocial wellbeing but yet it also means I don't have a lot of time on my hands to think about other things that have been getting me down lately - which is probably a good thing. Somehow though, those things - that have been going on lately in my life that I've pushed underneath the carpet - have reared up today anyway. I don't know, sleep seems like such sweet relief at the moment and the only thing I can handle doing that is classified as "me time". It's the only thing in my life I really want to do. That can't be good can it?




The World Seems Difficult - Mental as Anything

The World Seems Difficult

Labels: loony loony loony, musical monday, sad sack, the mean reds

posted by M at 11:13 pm 2 comments

 # posted by M @ 11:13 pm

* Last night while fiddling with the ipod and the computer I somehow managed to delete the whole of iTunes and my thousands of songs with it. Only I, oh great repellent of all things technological would be able to do that without actually knowing what I did wrong. I'm absolutely devastated about it - that's all. I am well and truly ready for 2006 to be over.

* The other day I pampered myself with a facial at the spa. After the girl left I swung myself off the bed and fell promptly on my face on to hardwood polished floorboards. I just lay there stunned for a second wondering how on earth I lost my footing over something I've been doing every day for my whole life. Getting out of bed is certainly a no brainer, right? I gracefully (ha!) pulled my towel back up around me and tried to get up but my legs fell under me another time and I found myself kissing the floor again. The girl came rushing in to find me on the floor looking flustered and confused (and okay, I was also laughing my head off) and trying not to flash her my boobs (unsuccessful). After a few minutes I was able to get up and make my way to the counter on wobbly feeling legs. I have no idea what happened, but it was a bit scary. I hope I'm not dying, (I haven't even married Clive Owen yet!). I don't want to think about it - but my knee still hurts.

* I got a lovely card and chrissie present from a student today. I didn't even know art teachers got presents! I don't think the last one did. It was a thermal coffee mug (but not a bogan one - a nice one!). I am famous for having about 7 running cups of coffee going in the Art Room - the coffee always gets cold before I have a chance to finish drinking it all so, I just go get myself a new one without returning the old one. After a while the staffroom runs out and I have to get my little minions (I mean students) to run my cups to the staffroom with strict instructions not to tell anyone from where the cups came. Anyway, cool present. Someone has obviously been paying attention in class. heh.

* One of my favourite parents from the school stopped me as I was walking across the quadrangle to tell me how she was remembering all the lovely things about me teaching her son when he was in grade 2! We had a nice time reminiscing for a while before her son came up to join us. He's one of those kids that when I look at him I see what he's going to be like as a man. A heart of gold, a giving person, a bit cheaky and a good friend to people who aren't even in his social circle! If you know any 10ish year old girls, boy do I have a set up for you 10 years from now. This kid is a CATCH, get in early!

* I'm really trying to get over the melancholy by watching silly movies and listening to happy songs on the ipod (sob). Yesterday Austin Powers but today I will not stray to Trust nope...no...will not go there, can't do that to myself...oh bugger it!

Labels: random, school, the mean reds

posted by M at 7:07 pm 31 comments

I've been a little melancholy and thoughtful lately.
Thinking about another Christmas without my dad. The ones he was around for just a dusty memory now anyway.
Thinking about next year in the art room.
Thinking about taking down the art work and cleaning up this mess.
Thinking about how much of a slut Blanche from The Golden Girls is.
Thinking about whether you guys are christmas people or not.
Thinking about getting a hair cut.
..maybe not.
Thinking about going away.
Thinking that I'm scared going away alone.
Thinking about sleeping.
Thinking about taking up an instrument again.
Thinking about all that christmas shopping I haven't done.
Thinking about that breakfast I'm supposed to be hosting on Sunday. How do you make pancakes so they don't stick to the pan anyways?
Thinking I want a hug. Not a shitty weak one, a really good strong one.
Thinking that tears don't solve much.
Thinking about taking that life drawing class.
Thinking I would definitely start laughing at an inappropriate moment during it.
Thinking about the cicadas already singing outside.
Thinking that it feels like a Wednesday, not a Friday.
Thinking that it's Friday and a drink would be good.
Thinking about that txt message last night and now nice some people are.
Thinking about New Year - what do I really *want* to do?
Thinking about how life sometimes offers windows of opportunity and sometimes not.
Thinking about the media centre.
Thinking about politics.
Thinking about how all my clothes are painty.
Thinking about whether my desires are as worthy as other people's desires.
Thinking about how the new office assistant is a little scary.
I've been thinking a hell of a lot about being vomity and chalky.
Trying so desperately not to think about it.
...and failing
Thinking that maybe I should be doing stuff instead of thinking all the time.

Labels: musings, the mean reds

posted by M at 4:32 pm 26 comments

I never talk about this kind of stuff so just ignore and move on if you're in shock. I happen to be stuck in a little love triangle at the moment. The person I like, doesn't like me, or rather he likes me only in that cursed way: as a friend. The girl he does like is this absolute angel of a person that I can't fault. Usually it can be nice to get through something like this when the other person is a real bitch. Then you can console yourself with the fact that at least you're a great person and they're not. That isn't the case in this circumstance.

She's as nice as pie. Sure, she's about as fucked up as me, but she's pretty and sweet and way cool. There are a few things about us that are alike - except she just has an extra...something that I don't. I can't not like her. She's ace. The thing is that she doesn't like him as more than a friend. I might be wrong about that and maybe in the future something will develop but at the moment she doesn't really know he exists. He's quite obviously smitten in a puppy dog-ish way with her and it breaks my heart to see him so...enthralled with someone who isn't me. Its not like he's trying to stab me in the heart or anything but that's what it feels like.

To use a crap analogy It's a case of me being sour cream and chives chips and she being salt and vinegar and hey maybe there are some guys in the world who like salt and vinegar and some guys who like sour cream and chives. Suffice to say, the guy who likes the chicken flavoured variety of chip wouldn't like either of us because we're too tangy but in this case this guy is obviously a salt and vinegar flavour kind of guy - or thinks he is. This is all part and parcel of being human so far, except that I'm getting the sinking feeling that maybe I'm not sour cream and chives chips at all. Maybe I'm vomit and chalk flavoured chips - the kind that no one likes or even wants kept in their pantry (just in case someone pops over unexpectedly). This kind of thing happens way too often for it to be a "bad luck, maybe next time" situation. There just must be something flawed in the recipe of me. Vomit and chalk flavoured chips are never going to be anyone's favourite chip and they're never even going to be bought by anyone either...well, maybe only as a joke. I'm beginning to wonder what is the point of there even being a vomit and chalk flavoured chip if it's not ever going to sell.

Labels: boys, the mean reds

posted by M at 5:28 pm 32 comments

I've sort of avoided talking about the property thing lately. It's become a really depressing venture that has me asking why I am being punished just because I am single. It's like as if the world isn't already completely geared toward vomit worthy coupled activities (season of horror - Christmas - for the single person is on the horizon) but it also happens to be a financial horrorshow to buy on your own too. Are the Gods laughing at me meanly? I always think of "the Gods" like how they are in that old movie playing chess with our lives - what the hell was that movie called? Haw Haw my pathetic little social leper not only will you have no smooches to keep you warm at night but you will be doomed to never be able to be afford to buy a house AND eat at the same time. CHECK MATE! Maybe it's just because I am a teacher - I don't know, but it seems unfair anyway. I have no sympathy for you coupled up freaks living in your ivory towers. Exchange presents with love in your eyes - see if I care, I have my bottle of Absolut to cradle at night, and I'm not sharing.

Anyway, the world is a bit sigh worthy for me at the moment. I don't really hate couples. They're kind of cute and give me hope that the world isn't a festering pile of doggy do (that you have to pick up yourselves btw). It's just one thing to not be 'in love' and another to be punished financially for not being part of a twosome. One wage just doesn't cut it, folks - well not if you pretty much earn check out chick wages. To make matters worse my domain.com.au email alert had this article about buying a house by yourself "a guide". I thought it was a message from those chess playing Gods so I open it up all excited only to find some pearls of wisdom like
1) I can "get an tenant in"
2) remember you CAN get a 100% mortgage these days
3) It all depends on how much you earn - you COULD get a $400,000 dollar loan if you earn enough. (seriously this one made me laugh until I puked)
4) you'll need a backup plan because omg what happens if you lose your job or get sick? Heyyy, I thought this was supposed to be positive!
5) PLEASE get lenders insurance - who knows what will happen?
6) Husbands don't have to vouch for women to get a home loan on their own anymore - go girls you too can have a house!!

Oh goodie, I felt so empowered after reading that.

Anyway, today I was having lunch at Small Block, on Lygon and enjoying my steak and grated beetroot sandwich on toasted sourdough (yum) and looking our the window lamenting on the house dilemma when two things happened to make my day:

* A man (maybe early 30s), obviously maggoted (at 12pm), rolled up in his tank of a car - parked outside the cafe, got out of the car, stumbled across the road to the bottle shop, came out holding a single Carlton Cold, stumbled back over the road to his car muttering to himself the whole way - where he got in the car opened the bottle, put it between his legs, put on his seatbelt (thank god), undid his fly and took his fella out (no playing with it, just left it there). Then he proceeded to do a u-turn into oncoming traffic and drove off. Bless.

* I discovered the free Leunig Calendar in today's Age newspaper. Cartoonist and poet Michael Leunig is a Melbourne treasure and while I was flipping through the calendar I came across this little picture that made me smile. Those of you that have read this dumb journal for any length of time will, I think, get why it made me smile as I know there are a couple of you who read this that suffer the part-time insomniac affliction that I do who will get a little chuckle out of it.

Maybe finding the picture was a little message from those chess playing Gods. I really hope so. Maybe it's a message for you too - It's a goodie.




Maybe all this worry is just a bit of sardine on toast.

Labels: house, the mean reds

posted by M at 1:53 pm 26 comments

Sometimes when you look at an abstract you see whatever you want to see. Everyone finds something different to admire and become lost in. Everyone thinks the artwork speaks only to them. Turn it any which way and it still works. Listen and it will whisper sweet nothings to you and only you. I'm sick of looking at the abstracts - they're okay once in a while, but they'll lead you to distraction if that's all you ever look at. Give me back the Van Goghs and the Sidney Nolans. Let me get lost inside a Matisse for hours, still emerging with my thoughts intact. I don't want those meandering Arshile Gorky paintings in my head no more.

So, I've attempted to avoid being distracted by abstracts, by diving into something so real I can touch.
I've painted the cupboards a deep green that you can't find in the shops - I mixed it myself.
I've painted all the steel cabinets a bloodied crimson.
Sometimes you just need blocks of colour that you can name. Green, red, yellow, brown, white. Here are my bloodied crimson cabinets - and why yes, there they are as clear as day - eveyone else can see them too.
They make the room look amazing - these nameable, touchable (and even smellable) objects. So real you can touch them...
I'm finally making the art room mine.

Now that I've done that - I need another menial task.
One that allows less thought and more action.
I'm tired of the abstract.
I want something real.

Labels: life and art, the mean reds

posted by M at 7:07 pm 17 comments