Saturday, December 02, 2006

Bitter and twisted entry with a sweet ending

I've sort of avoided talking about the property thing lately. It's become a really depressing venture that has me asking why I am being punished just because I am single. It's like as if the world isn't already completely geared toward vomit worthy coupled activities (season of horror - Christmas - for the single person is on the horizon) but it also happens to be a financial horrorshow to buy on your own too. Are the Gods laughing at me meanly? I always think of "the Gods" like how they are in that old movie playing chess with our lives - what the hell was that movie called? Haw Haw my pathetic little social leper not only will you have no smooches to keep you warm at night but you will be doomed to never be able to be afford to buy a house AND eat at the same time. CHECK MATE! Maybe it's just because I am a teacher - I don't know, but it seems unfair anyway. I have no sympathy for you coupled up freaks living in your ivory towers. Exchange presents with love in your eyes - see if I care, I have my bottle of Absolut to cradle at night, and I'm not sharing.

Anyway, the world is a bit sigh worthy for me at the moment. I don't really hate couples. They're kind of cute and give me hope that the world isn't a festering pile of doggy do (that you have to pick up yourselves btw). It's just one thing to not be 'in love' and another to be punished financially for not being part of a twosome. One wage just doesn't cut it, folks - well not if you pretty much earn check out chick wages. To make matters worse my domain.com.au email alert had this article about buying a house by yourself "a guide". I thought it was a message from those chess playing Gods so I open it up all excited only to find some pearls of wisdom like
1) I can "get an tenant in"
2) remember you CAN get a 100% mortgage these days
3) It all depends on how much you earn - you COULD get a $400,000 dollar loan if you earn enough. (seriously this one made me laugh until I puked)
4) you'll need a backup plan because omg what happens if you lose your job or get sick? Heyyy, I thought this was supposed to be positive!
5) PLEASE get lenders insurance - who knows what will happen?
6) Husbands don't have to vouch for women to get a home loan on their own anymore - go girls you too can have a house!!

Oh goodie, I felt so empowered after reading that.

Anyway, today I was having lunch at Small Block, on Lygon and enjoying my steak and grated beetroot sandwich on toasted sourdough (yum) and looking our the window lamenting on the house dilemma when two things happened to make my day:

* A man (maybe early 30s), obviously maggoted (at 12pm), rolled up in his tank of a car - parked outside the cafe, got out of the car, stumbled across the road to the bottle shop, came out holding a single Carlton Cold, stumbled back over the road to his car muttering to himself the whole way - where he got in the car opened the bottle, put it between his legs, put on his seatbelt (thank god), undid his fly and took his fella out (no playing with it, just left it there). Then he proceeded to do a u-turn into oncoming traffic and drove off. Bless.

* I discovered the free Leunig Calendar in today's Age newspaper. Cartoonist and poet Michael Leunig is a Melbourne treasure and while I was flipping through the calendar I came across this little picture that made me smile. Those of you that have read this dumb journal for any length of time will, I think, get why it made me smile as I know there are a couple of you who read this that suffer the part-time insomniac affliction that I do who will get a little chuckle out of it.

Maybe finding the picture was a little message from those chess playing Gods. I really hope so. Maybe it's a message for you too - It's a goodie.

Maybe all this worry is just a bit of sardine on toast.

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