Sunday, June 29, 2008

...so I try a little Freddie

The 'officially old' birthdays are coming strong and fast now. I've celebrated (and commiserated with) quite a few in the last month. It's meant that I've had to come out of my otherwise rather comfortable hibernation and socialise with people again. I have to be honest and say that I'm finding it really hard to do this. Hiding away has been like a little blanket keeping me warm in an otherwise bitter winter. Socialising is all too hard because I can't be bothered making small talk with people who, when sober, never think of catching up with me.

It's also been a time of ..emotional spring cleaning I suppose. I'm wondering with great curiosity who my real friends really are. Are they the people that pick you up? Are they the people that ring you out of the blue? Are they the people that think about you before they go to sleep? Are they just the people who invite you to their birthdays or the ones who add you on facebook?

Maybe there's a lot going on with everyone else but lately I find myself wondering what it (friendship) means, and who they are. Maybe the problem lies with me, I don't ask for a lot. I don't actually ever ask for anything. Nothing. I don't ask people to step out of their way for me at all and I haven't done so for many years now. And I'm fully willing to respect the fact that it's my own trust issues that are on display here, not anyone elses. Maybe I'm not a good friend. However, I have to say recently I did ask a few friends to do something for me and it was something minimal (to be present at a dinner) and well... it didn't happen (the reasons I won't go into but were petty). This is beginning to sound like a teenage girl's dear diary but I've been there for birthdays, engagements, weddings, births etc, often arriving and leaving alone (though I have a rather severe anxiety about doing so) and going to places where I really don't feel comfortable at all and 100% of the time with a present in hand to boot. I've been the person that has been woken up at 3am by a crying someone wanting comfort. I've been the person who has said yes I'll be your crutch in any situation. But the same hasn't really come back to me or ...for me. The whole situation has forced me to evaluate a lot of things and also to evaluate myself and where I stand in the world. It's been ...difficult - made more difficult by not being able to hibernate to the extend that I need to at the moment.

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest oh dear diary. Now I'm going to go write bad poetry and rim my eyes with black eyeliner.

Here's a song - a long time favourite that has helped me to swim a little in an otherwise drown-worthy situation. God knows that when the chips are down I can always turn to music. Always.

Maps - Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs.

(I was talking to someone the other night about the song Let's Dance to Joy Division by The Wombats. He was saying how much he liked it and I didn't really know that much about The Wombats but said that I loved Joy Division. He said that he thought JD were ohhhkaaay but hadn't really listened to much their stuff. I immediately made the loud proclamation that he was not allowed to like a song with such a title if he didn't have an extensive knowledge of Joy Division first. Am I being too harsh? I stand by my statement though I must also point out that I was a little tipsy (read: obnoxiously drunk and pissed off with the world and didn't really mean to take it out on the poor guy).

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