[Miscellany]

I'm looking at you and I'm wondering how you slipped through the cracks.  I'm wondering how you can cope at * years old; daily, with what most people never know until they're an adult. It's a horrible realisation to know that adults can and will let you down.  Just to know this is a slap in the face.  To expect it as normal is debilitating to the human soul.  To know it as your reality is beyond words.

You deal with it daily though and don't think I don't know how you cope.  Oh, I know.  I see it every day.  I see it in the way you move in your seat.  I see it in the words you ignore - those both harsh and full of praise.  I notice the way you lash out when others wrong you; desperately trying to cling to that part of you that is still a little hopeful and protect it.  I understand the parallel universe you've created to exist alongside this real one and I also know that reality is a dicey concept right now anyway.  I know you slip in and out as you need to.  I know how protective you are of the world you've created and I know why.  I know how comforting that world is.  I know how essential it is.  I know you need it.  I think you're amazing for having concocted this space for yourself.  You've shown at * what most adults never have to do - that is to completely protect yourself from all sides; from all attacks; from everything.  It's unfair that you have to and they never do.  Most will never, ever, EVER understand because they never, ever, EVER had to deal.  Lucky them.  They'll be the people who will tell you to look on the bright side.  Nice.

You haven't learnt yet how to ask why and when you do that will be yet another hard pill to swallow because there won't be an answer that won't come pointing back at you; yet another little something to deal with.  I understand from that look you give me that you are completely resigned to this way of being.  This is your reality and mate, you are doing a magnificent job of using absolutely every resource you have to survive it.  And you are surviving but it won't help you in this reality; the reality that isn't all that dicey for everybody else.  In this reality you are barely treading water; slowly sinking into quicksand; gasping for Ventolin; sawing logs with a butter knife. I recognise this.

I think about you a lot.  I think about you when everyone else is long gone.  I think about you when I should be thinking about myself but I have no answers.  I don't want to be yet another adult who fails you; like all of us have done so far.  As I sit here for yet another night at my desk with my head in my hands, trying desperately to make a bridge between us that won't fall down, I know that I have failed you too.   I see the you, who you really are and I admire that person and can't think of a more imaginative, clever, resourceful kid and on top of all of that I completely understand.  I do.  I guess that's what makes it harder but in the end, despite all of this I'm just another adult and just another person who will fail you in the end and it's killing me.

Labels: kids, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, teaching the teacher, work

posted by M at 6:40 pm 4 comments

I was going to do a music post that was me pressing shuffle and posting the first 5 songs that came up for laugh, but then I realised that it really wasn't going to work (for me).  There's only so many times that The Pina Colada song can come up before you are shamed to paralysis.  Okay I just admitted it, shame on me.

Anyway, the first song that came up was:

It's Not My Place (In The 9 to 5 World) - The Ramones



...which was a funny coincidence because I had *just* been thinking about how I'm one of those people that aren't built for the 9 to 5 workplace.  One could argue that teaching with all the holidays one gets and the fact that the kids leave at 3.30pm that it really isn't a 9 to 5 work place but if you are suggesting that it's somehow easier than working a regular office work shift then I'd invite you to come say that to my face.  We'd have... "words".   It's worse. Way worse.

Anyway, I like it when the ipod randomly acts like a personal psychic and quite frankly I find it often does.  In fact music often gives me exactly what I need when I need it, unfortunately more so than people ever have (or will?).

I was thinking though, that it really isn't my place to be in the rat race.  I'm not motivated by working up the rungs of the ladder.  I'm  not excited by extra challenges in the work I do.  I don't really want any extra money.  I don't want to work long hours.  I don't even want to work 5 days a week!  When us teachers went on the recent strike part of our strike conditions were to work a 38 hour week.  We didn't write reports.  We didn't have extra parent meetings.  We didn't have extra staff meetings.  Of course we STILL put in more than the 38 hour work week that we are supposedly paid a pittance for but we certainly did less.  When the discussions came up to go 'get back to normal' and get the shitty pay rise my hackles went up.  I would much rather work less.  I was happier not writing reports.  I was happier not having to "volunteer" to come in on my weekend to do unpaid extra.  I was more than happy to pack my bag at a reasonable hour and just leave.  I was happier just teaching and enjoying my grade than doing all the extra bullshit that goes along with teaching.

A single girl such as I has got to pay the bills.
It's not my place in the 9 to 5 world.
It's just not.
So what do I do?

Labels: 70s, music, musical monday, punk, ramones, rant, stressed teachers, teaching, work

posted by M at 8:16 pm 4 comments

I have a question.  Now I understand questions on the Internet rarely get answered seriously, particularly those on a journal that is only semi-functional at best, but I'll give it a go anyway.  What have I got to lose?  If you happen to read this over the next couple of years just humour me, okay?

There are a lot of changes happening in the Education industry that unfortunately reflect the times we now live in.  Schools are regarded as businesses, students as clients and teachers as the sweat shop workers.  This means that when changes occur it usually goes that like this:

Labels: school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, work

posted by M at 12:17 am 4 comments

I'm determined this year that I'm not going to let the stress of teaching affect all my moods all the time. Sounds piss easy, I hear you say but actually people like me find this quite difficult.

I have two moods: On holiday mood = happy and relaxed. Working mood = grumpy bitch from hell.

MVOR says that I give way too much of myself especially when it's apparent that the situation calls for me to just back away and let it go. So basically, if you hate and reject me I'm going to go right ahead and prove to you why you should love me even though there is no winning with you. There fore all my hard work goes unnoticed and I get further disgruntled which then self-affirms my feelings of being rejected and abandoned by everybody and I'm left there like a cartoon image of myself yelling "hey, what about me? WHAT about ME? I'm useful! Heyyy, ..anybody?". I'm ace, no really, so ace.

Work is a constant source of me not feeling good enough - this is despite the fact that (...and coming from a person with zero self esteem), I'm a really good teacher and operator. I just need to stop caring so much about what I can and can't achieve with other adults and just let the rest go. But I can't...

New manager is not a doer. As in... coasts along and waits for someone else to do it. Who am I? I'm a worrier and a pleaser. What do I do if I see a gaping hole? Why, I fill it of course. You can see where this is heading can't you? On the one hand I am so glad that I came to the decision to give up this leadership role because I *am* less stressed out - on the other I'm constantly in battle with myself to not to keep doing her job for her.

I find things difficult because:
* we haven't had one team meeting since the year started despite things that are in disarray.

* The team still comes to me with their work related issues and then get all defensive when I refer them to the new leader (ie: defensive because ...hey you shouldn't put all the pressure on the new leader!)

* New leader doesn't know the ropes... or anything resembling a rope and yet refuses to come to me for help despite me saying my door is open (like a million times) - now I'm getting other people coming to me saying that new team leader (NTL) is asking all these dodgy questions ..and shouldn't she be asking me instead?

* I'm still actually doing a chunk of her work because I can see that things need to be organised and yet they are NOT!

* NTL actively is using an effigy of me to stick needles into each night.


As a consequence of all this, despite goal not to let work affect my moods and health I look like a crazy lady who has been living in the forest for 2 years and forgotten what it's like to be human.

Does work give you woe? And if not, how did you achieve that kind of bliss?

Labels: MVOR, new leader, rant, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, work

posted by M at 2:44 pm 5 comments

This morning, on the first day back at the salt mine I was 45 minutes late.

Yes, 45 minutes. It's very lucky indeed that it wasn't a teaching day, because I would have been, pardon my French: royally fucked (fucked royale?). As it was everyone was giving me that look when I finally wandered in.. you know, the "oops you fucked up BIG time sister" look. I know it well; I was raised on that look. Some even did the slit throat sign. I was expecting the boss to really have a go at me at morning tea break because she had written this email last week explicitly stating (that is bold AND underlined) that it was strictly an 8.15am start for all staff. Well oops.

Dearest reader... I may be reaching my twilight years (team Jasper!) but I still know how to sleep in like a teen who has been going bong hits all night. I haven't seen "morning" for the past 6 weeks. My morning, summer holiday style is 1pm. My bedtime is 5-6am. I'm not sleeping that many hours here. I'm just all topsy turvy like.. I cannot simply go cold turkey back into waking up at a normal adult hour. Hell, I don't want to wake at normal adult hours. Normal adult hours are ridiculous! It was futile from the beginning.

The funny thing is that the Boss, didn't reprimand me. She looked at me and smiled and asked me how I was. There were a few people she DID reprimand (people who were on time but were ALMOST late.. ie 8.14am) - they weren't happy. Go figure. I guess you never know how things will be - sometimes you just get lucky.

I'm a little confused about my life lesson here, but I did get a little taste of what it's like to be Ferris Bueller for a minute and I gotta tell you, it's a pretty sweet existence.

Meanwhile, tonight I set my alarm extra loud because girls like me are not this lucky two days in a row.

Labels: endless summer lift the curse, ferris bueller method of living, life, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, work

posted by M at 7:53 pm 5 comments

I'm having a difficult time trying to grasp my current work situation. I'm working with a new "manager" who pretty much does nothing but talks a good game in order to cover up. As a consequence she always comes up smelling like roses despite her shortcomings..

The new manager has come in following a decision I made not to renew my managerial role with my team. Why did I do that? I was getting sick of doing a lot of work that was way above the position I was being paid for. I was also tired of working with and basically trying to hold together a team that upper management knew didn't work well together. When I saw that upper management left the team as is, I knew I had to get out or go crazy! Upper management made a very bad decision as to who they brought in to replace me (against my advise actually). They needed someone dynamic, hard working, someone who has good ideas and is enthusiastic. We got the opposite - but she is the Prin's "golden girl".

My natural instinct when faced with incompetent people is to come in and mop up the mess. I'm a pleaser, you see. This time, with advise I've decided not to be the pleaser. I've decided to take a step back and be the selfish observer. If she comes to me for advise then I will gladly help her though. I want the team to run smoothly but I also don't want to be doing someone elses job.

Before our planning meeting I emailed new manager a list of what needs to be done, and she did not address any of the things on the list. In fact she spent the day (6 hours) filling in a student evaluation card. I'd imagine that if you were a manager you would want to get everything on track quickly - I'd also imagine that if you had 21 years in the industry and at least 10 of those years in senior management you would know how to chair a meeting. I get the feeling she is playing "funny buggers" and trying to trick everyone into doing the work for her.

I don't think I know how to handle this situation further.
Have you ever dealt with someone like this? What can I do? Heeeeeelp!

Meanwhile onto Musical Monday - Today: At First Sight - The Stems.

How I love this song! oh, it's glorious twangy guitar and smileworthy lyrics. So melodic! So beautiful. This song, like so many others has come right along and nestled right into my heart. I have to make a confession dear reader (how many are there left? Two? Three?) Every other day I thank my lucky stars (and I don't have that many believe me) that I can hear and listen and imagine and that is not a word of a lie. Scouts honour and all that. I just don't know what I'd do if I couldn't hear these little tunes that have somehow become the best kind of family a girl could have.

Labels: musical monday, rant, stressed teachers, stupid people, work

posted by M at 11:55 pm 4 comments

I was going to write a zillion word rant but I'll keep it short and simple.

My team leader talks a lot but doesn't actually know very much - she's good at organising meetings but not actually contributing. I think that if you're a team leader then you should know the most, work the hardest and pick up the slack. That's what you get paid for, after all.

Today out of 7 hours of planning our team leader contributed very little. In fact. Nothing - though she did a lot of photocopying. If I worked in the corporate world I'd enjoy sitting back and watching the car crash but I don't. I work in an industry where actually, contrary to popular belief 90% of us do it because we really care about children - so if someone fucks up it's not the leader who crashes and burns but instead the rest of us and the kids.

This means that today I picked up the slack and am STILL continuing to contribute all alone when I really should be saying flush off flushles and not caring about it. I hate caring that it even gets done. I'm really pissed off that I'm doing the work and not getting paid for it. I'm sick of working really hard only to find more work to do on the other side. I'm angry with myself for feeling accountable to the children.

Labels: rant, school, stressed teachers, work

posted by M at 9:48 pm 13 comments

Settling back into classroom teaching has been difficult. Getting through a day in a classroom is much easier than getting through a day in the AR but teaching the preps is just out of this world: hard. Most of them don't know their letters, or sounds or even how to write their names properly (ie; not backwards). Can you imagine how inundated I am by requests for help whenever we do ANY activity? It's crazy I tell ya.

Anyway, I'm coming home from work each night mentally and physically exhausted and I think as a consequence of this and reading that Tom Cruise biog by Andrew Morton I've been having some weird dreams. Last night probably took the cake as weirdo horrific dream of the year. Picture this - Germany 1942 - an underground secret railroad. I've traveled back in time in order to prepare for a school excursion (??) and find myself in the middle of a finely orchestrated escape attempt by Jewish people out of the country and away from the extermination camps. The dark dingy caves are packed with groups of whispering people who are scared for their lives. Suddenly we are ambushed by armies of soldiers and people are being brutally murdered all around me. I am lost in the crowd, confused about whether my fate is sealed or not. I wake before I die - almost prying my own eyes open and searching for some sort of recognition in the shadows in dark of my bedroom. I much preferred it when I was dreaming of men with strong lips. Andrew Morton with his mention of Nazi Germany and Scientology in the same sentence has a lot to answer for.

Earlier this week Scorpy was in an injury at work. A friend from work updated his blog in order to inform his readers about what was going on with Scorps. Hopefully all will be okay but this got me thinking about what I'd do if something happened to me. Who would I get to update and indeed would I even want to? Also there is the question of if I did - what would said trusted friend think of me after they had updated the blog? Would they be surprised? Would they be embarrassed for me? Would they think I was an idiot or would they discover something in me that they hadn't really contemplated before? I honestly don't know.

Scorpy's mate made the comment about his writing:

Some of it is very deep. I didn't know he had it in him.

Which made me think about how we are all perceived in life versus in blog land and indeed how complex we are as characters both on the street and in our own heads. I have been doing this for long enough to realise that everything is not what it seems when it comes to most characters, but I was to qualify that statement by saying I'm NOT talking about lying here. I mean - people explore real parts of themselves on their blog which may or may not be featured centre stage in real life. For instance, one person may come across as crass or hopeless or always on the verge of being a complete nutbag but in real life this may also be true, it's certainly not all of themselves, like it may be in a blog.

We are not one dimensional. So why is it so hard to reconcile all of those parts of ourselves so that we are always what we seem, in ALL facets of our lives?

Maybe those real life men's men - blokey blokes - explore a more "deep" side on their blog because they can't quite get to exposing that side of themselves (for whatever reason) in real life. I wonder why not? Do we (both men and women) really crucify men who express themselves eloquently in real life or is this a myth perpetuated by the gay phobia and a degradation of the "thinker" in the sports pages of every tabloid newspaper out there? Are men who write in the first place a bit more sensitive anyway and that's why this dichotomy of blokey guy on the outside, superhero deep guy on the blogside (made up word) exists?

If you were in an accident and your friend read your blog would they be surprised by reading a different person to who they really knew?
Why?
How?

Thinking music - one of my favourites (of course)

Get Off - The Dandy Warhols

Labels: blogs, dreams, friends, musical monday, stressed teachers, teaching, teaching the teacher, work

posted by M at 6:30 pm 19 comments

I'm having this little issue with a co-worker of mine. Recently she's taken over a team leader position in my area of teaching. Within this team she is the most experienced teacher, however she is not the most experienced in terms of having taught at this level before. There are two other teachers who are more experienced in teaching this grade than her and one of those teachers is me. This is a rather important point because kids at the level I teach at are unlike any other grade in the school. They are so far beyond what would be considered normal that you can't even compare it to teaching in any other grade. I know because I have taught other grades and the first time I came to teach this grade I was so unprepared for how different it was that it wasn't funny.

Anyway, this new leader is, I think, feeling threatened by the fact that this is all so overwhelming to her and in order to lift her own profile she keeps making condescending comments to me. In fairness she hasn't known me in any other role except as the art teacher and obviously I was sensitive about that perception when coming back into the classroom, but I've had enough of it now. Today she made a rather obvious comment about needing to enter names into the database - I mean, no shit right? - but it was something, incidentally (and rather surprisingly) she needed clarification about herself. I guess she felt embarrassed about not knowing how to do this herself that she wanted to appear more competent than someone else so ...why not pick on the art teacher? Unfortunately by that stage I'd had enough of little children crying at me all day that I just snapped Yeah I know, I *have* been working with his program *in the classroom* for about 5 years. rrraaow! I totally called her out and ...well, was a bit awkward after that. Now things are weird. I hate that.

For the most part I'm a rather easygoing person to deal with in real life. I do call people on their bullshit, don't get me wrong, but I rarely confront people with anger, especially in a work environment. I'd rather check my own ego if it means keeping the peace - which is what usually ends up happening. This is so at odds with how I deal with things on the internet where I'll just say exactly what I think at all times. If I don't then it's not because I respect you so much that I can't possibly say what I really think, it's just that I think you can't handle a discussion/comment beyond a 'yes ma'am' or 'yes sir'. Basically I think you'll pussy out and I'm don't care to deal with the wah wah bullshit that goes along with that. But in the work environment I will take one for the team - not if I truly believe something to be wrong - but when it comes to little disputes then yes.

Now, I'm not so sure of how to handle this one.

Do I keep on asserting that yes, yes I've been there done that - I'm much more experienced in teaching a grade than I am teaching art?

Do I just ignore the whole situation?

Do I go to her for the answer to a really obvious question that will re-establish the - you leader, me pleb - role?

Do I say fuck it and take the whole school and all the children down with me in a blaze of glory?

Labels: school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, teaching the teacher, work

posted by M at 8:39 pm 12 comments

Me: So what are you hoping to learn about at school?
kid - lunch!
Um..no.

random teacher: hey, so how's it going?
me: I'm on my 10th cup
random teacher: whoa, okay - not too good then I take it.
Um...true.

me: When you have rules at home and you don't follow those rules what happens?
loudmouth #1: Um..well...um... you know...sometimes...um
(thinking; t, t, t, today junior!)
...um sometimes when you're bad maybe your mum might say "no you can't go to Gemma's birthday party anymore!!"
me: oohhhhh kay that's very ...specific..
loudmouth #2 - or maybe your own birthday gets called OFF!!
yes, you see sometimes it's best not to make "links to the real world" because the "real world" is a scary, scary place

ohhh, J you're being such a good boy today! I'm so impressed with how brave you are.
(J looks at me and starts crying...again).
Best to just keep out of it sometimes.

calling out girl: um...what are these nice clothes?
me: dress ups!
cog: can I.....?
me: no!
cog: can...?
me: no, no you can't, not today.
cog: c..
me: not today hon.
cog; tomorrow?
me: ....um...
cog: (looking at me expectantly).
me: .....nup!
I'm not being mean, just practical. I really don't feel like THAT much tidying up at the end of a 12 hour day!

kid: Miss F, I think you forgot to give us all personal points!
me: (looking at chart where only one child has a personal point sticker) - no, I didn't forget at all.
kid: but, I don't have one.
me: no, no you don't.
It's a harsh life.

cryer: (grabs onto hand) I want you to stay outside with me. You can't go!
me: but hon, I have to go inside
cryer: whyyyyy? (squeezing hand)
me: because I'm really hungry and I want to eat my lunch. You already got to eat your lunch and you wouldn't even let me have any of your chocolate. I'm HUNGRY!
cryer: nooooo you stay here!
me: (trying to inch away) I have lasagna waiting for me and did I mention I was really HUNGRY?
cryer: stay!
me: how about having a play in the sand pit. It's so much fun!
cryer: I want to stay with you!
me: oohh, look there's your big brother I bet he'd LOVE to look after you
(big bro trying to inch away but have already grabbed his hand)
me: look K, your sister would like to play with you. BYEEEEEEEEEE (run)
Survival of the fittest

So as you can see, I'm buggered.

Labels: school, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, work

posted by M at 10:03 pm 15 comments

Lately work has been an absolute nightmare. I feel like I can hardly keep up with the load. There is a hell of a lot on my plate at the moment and I can feel the stress building up and taking over my brain. I am on constant high alert with my nerves permanently switched to 'electric' mode. I might even have to gulp..go in on the weekend to ease the strain - but I'm still deciding on whether or not I should even open that can of worms until I really have to. You see I have a policy on weekends and going in to work. The policy basically goes something like this; hell no.

No, I will never be one of those people that will happily give up a weekend to slave away at the grind stone. I will do it when absolutely desperate - like if I feel like I'm about to lose my job. But that's it.

No, I'm not THAT driven by my career.

And no, I don't believe it's being a better worker to do so. I think it's sad and plebby and a product of a society that wants more productivity at the expense of relaxing and family time. And you know what? I don't think if there was extra money involved it'd even be worth it. I pick me time over money any day. Is that weird?


Now I realise that there are many people who not only will give up many weekends because they have to, but will do so quite often because they want to. I'm not talking about people who work weekend jobs here to make the ends meet. I mean people who earn enough money Monday to Friday and go in on the weekend to get things done without explicitly being asked to go into work on the weekend. These are the kind of people that sorry to say I just don't understand very well. I mean, you want to do what? Go in to work? Are you ill? Are you taking prescription medication? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Even God had a day off! To be fair, they don't understand me very well either. Maybe these people are actually paid their worth so weekends are part of the global work contract. Maybe they are really driven and define themselves first in terms of their career. Or maybe just maybe they HAVE to do it. In any case - the kinds of bosses that demand weekend work can fuck right off. It's your company buster - YOU get it done.

And that brings me to the exceptions for acceptable weekend work: 1) It's your company and you're getting it done. 2) You're working towards saving the world/humanity in some way. 3) extra money that will literally pay for food on the table and electricity to cook it.

Maybe this makes me fickle or petty. I don't know. I just feel like I already live and breathe this job. At the end of each and every day I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I look forward to weekends so much. I constantly think about work so I need a break from actually physically being there. I guess because I do work on the weekend anyway, even if it's planning for a lesson. I resent giving up the physical freedom of not being in "the office" on my weekend though.

I guess that's a big issue with teaching. It's actually two jobs but you only get paid for half. There's the bit you do with the kids and then there's the zillion pounds of administration that goes along with it. I would put the administration part, dealing with parents, organising other things outside the classroom, reports, portfolios, displays etc etc. The admin part you simply cannot do at the same time as you are actually teaching - so you do it in your spare time. In teaching ironically, you need time without the kids around in order to get all those 'expectations' done.

So, I'm sitting here thinking about these things while nursing my bum knee (I have no idea what I've done to it. I seriously think I did something in my sleep of all places) and wondering how I can so strongly believe that voluntarily working on weekends is one of the stupidest, dumbest, plebbiest and pathetic thing a person can do. But, having said that I'm about 80% sure I'll be there on Sunday.

Sigh.

Labels: bum knee, plebs, school, wonderings, work

posted by M at 11:59 pm 33 comments