[Miscellany]

I was supposed to be doing some work on the weekend but somehow ended up at the movies instead.  Movies are the vice I always give in to, even if there is a lot of other stuff that needs to be done.  The movie we saw was The Way Way Back - a vacation story about a blended family who takes a trip to the beach for the summer.  But really, this Duncan's story, an awkward 14 year old who is dealing with being bullied by his Mum's smarmy new boyfriend and trying to find connection in a world where he feels so isolated.  I suppose this is a typical teenage story.  Didn't we all feel like that at some stage?

To say this movie struck a chord with me would be underplaying it a bit.  I didn't particularly identify with Duncan but I understood him and he gave me something that I just love getting when I go to the movies; a realisation.

The first scene of the movie is the car trip.  A conversation between Duncan and his Mother's boyfriend Trent breaks the silence leading Trent to question Duncan about what score he would give himself out of 10.  When Duncan reluctantly gives himself a 6, Trent gleefully tells him he's a 3.   This is not a good beginning for Duncan.  He's 14.  His mother is going out with an arsehole. He has absolutely no power, no friends, no life and nothing to look forward to. He feels unwanted, alone, awkward and lonely but something incredible happened to Duncan on his summer vacation: He bloomed.

I like to think that everyone has a blooming moment.  Perhaps yours happened at 14 and aren't you lucky that it happened so early if it did?  Maybe your bloom happened as a senior in High School or after you left and got a job.  Perhaps it was meeting the love of your life that did it.  Maybe it was getting your license or going overseas or doing Tough Mudder.  I don't know - I guess there are no rules to this kind of stuff.   A time to every purpose...

Duncan's "time" happened on summer vacation while holidaying with a family whom he felt didn't want him.  One day, while at a cafe Duncan randomly connects with the eccentric and immature water park owner Owen, who offers Duncan a job for the summer.  Duncan is excited by the prospect of spending time away from his family and accepts immediately.  At the water park Duncan finds himself.  The mavericks who work there - whom you can also imagine may have at one time felt as Duncan does - accept him totally as one of them and Duncan responds in the only way that someone completely accepted can and that is, he becomes his true self.

Maslow had a theory of self-actualisation that somehow fits into this story.  Although the threory was widely contested in the psychological community I still love to this day.  There is something so Earthy and real about it.  It feels real and that's enough for me.  Basically, in order to be self-actualised there is a hierarchy of needs that must be met.  The needs are graduated like a pyramid each step moving away from the physical and basic and into the spiritual and emotional (from food, shelter to love, confidence and belonging).  It isn't until all your needs are met that you can be self-actualised.  I think sometimes people confuse self-actualisation with success.  You can be a 'success' and 'functional' and 'loving' and still not be self-actualised and I suppose if that's how you see self-actualisation the hierarchy of needs really doesn't make sense.  IMO Self-actualisation is a state of mind, a meaningfulness one finds in life that goes beyond the material and into the soul.  Successful and loving people don't necessarily have those qualities (though, they might) and maybe self-actualised people don't necessarily meed success as a material form either.   Do I think you can skip steps and still reach the top though?  Perhaps..

I was reminded of Maslow's hierarchy of needs while watching The Way Way Back.  Duncan had the basic needs but not the emotional ones.  At the water park he found a sense of belonging and connection among people who accepted and embraced him.  He let go.  He bloomed.  He stepped up.  He defied Trent's assertion that he was a "3".

I realised that apart from our basic needs there are a couple of things that might help us to become the best person we can be:

1) A place (no matter how insignificant) where we can be completely ourselves and accepted for who we are by other people.
2) A champion who will stand up for us when we can't stand up for ourselves.

Duncan's family saw him as a 3.  In their stifling presence he was awkward, shy, weird and moody but that's not who he really was.  At the water park, with Owen championing him, he became a 10.  He found his champion and his special place and he left that sleepy summer town behind not a better person (as that would suggest he needed 'bettering') but a person who was allowed to bloom, finally.  It was his time.

I guess I've been struggling with being seen as a 3, seeing myself this way too.  I hold out hope for a champion and a place to bloom and moving up that pyramid - don't we all?


Although it's not quite Monday anymore, this one organically came up out of this post and so it must be its time.  I love this brand of 60s folk rock and whenever I play this song it seems to always be the right song to play.  I guess that Old Testament is not all fury and hell after all.

Turn, Turn, Turn - The Byrds

Labels: 60s, cinema, film, friends, life, life and art, movies, music, musical monday, musings, self help, theory, thoughts, time, wonderings

posted by M at 1:32 am 6 comments

MVOR and I talked a lot about self-worth in our latest sitting. Clearly it's a reoccurring theme in my life and we bring it up a lot.  I'd spent a good many years (my whole life) tearing myself down and so I wonder if now I have to spend the same amount of time building myself up?  MVOR brought up me needing to enjoy the soup of my existence rather than looking at my life as a series of individual ingredients.  She didn't put it quite like that - being much more eloquent and poetic than I - but this is how I remember it:

Take everything that you are and put it all together, heat, stir, let it simmer - sometimes for hours - and then you have the soup of your life.  The soup is a dossier of the important bits that make up our person(a). If you think about what goes into your soup it can be quite humbling - perhaps it's the loss of a family member, the love you had for your pet dog, the wife who left you, the happiest marriage ever, the love in your heart for your child, the brother who failed to emotionally check in, abuse, love, joy, bullying, family holidays down by the lake, illness that stole people far too early, being heartbroken and those whose hearts you have toyed with recklessly - it's all there.  Whatever they are, good and bad, all the flavours contribute to the whole.  The soup ceases to be simply the sum of its parts once it has been cooked - it is no longer onion, cumin, celery etc, it's something completely different.

MVOR pointed out that I am picking apart ingredients and judging my whole 'soup' on one little bit.  Cumin tastes like absolute shite on its own, but in the soup it probably adds to the flavour.  I'm looking at the cumin and giving the whole soup a bad review based on that singular flavour only.  It's true that sometimes when you take a spoonful of the soup you might get a mouthful of chilli, or cumin or whatever and it causes you to splutter and fail to swallow but still - the soup is more than this mouthful.  We are more than the sum of our parts, even though the parts make the sum.  Does that make sense?

My soup is an series of ingredients which I have thus far refused to enjoy as a cohesive meal.  I've taken this rather negative perspective on my life instead (as best paraphrased by a conversation in the movie Clueless):

Cher: she's a full-on Monet 

Tai: What's a Monet?

Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess.

I see myself in the microcosm - the Monet up close and as the list of ingredients rather than the whole soup.   According to MVOR I should start looking at myself as the whole soup rather than the sum of the ingredients and if I find myself spluttering on a mouthful of cumin I need to reposition that as part of the whole rather than as a defining part of me - yes it exists, yes it's bad, yes it's part of my history and therefore part of my now but I am not just cumin.  I need to acknowledge and respect those parts of me that are not that great but in no way should I be judging the whole on the sum of it's parts.

Aaaand now I'm hungry.

*no cumin was harmed in the writing of this post.  Feel that perhaps I was a little too hard on it. It's really quite a nice spice.

Labels: analogy, analysis, art, life, life and art, monet, musings, MVOR, psychos, thoughts

posted by M at 8:04 pm 5 comments

I bought a ticket to a play a while ago that has haunted me ever since I saw it.  It was called Constellations and it was produced by the MTC (as an an interpretation of a play by British playwright Nick Payne). The play tells the story(ies) of a couple but in a way that is not linear at all.  The whole play is one long piece of dialogue expertly ping-ponged (made up verb) between two actors on stage playing out different manifestations and realities of their life as a couple.   It brought up a lot of questions for me and the different realities of my own life.

If at any point, or at every point for that matter, we come to a fork in the road is the chance of us taking any of those branching pathways weighted the same as the other?  Is the homeless man homeless because he forgot to brush his hair one morning or ran the red light?  Can we at any point deviate and create a new life for ourselves regardless of what has come before?  Is there another, better version of us happening right now in this multi-verse?

I wonder a lot now about the Many-Worlds interpretation of Quantum Mechanics.  I am not a Scientist.  I am a dreamer who doesn't need or even want a theory to be proven true, the thought is enough for me.  Sometimes the thought itself is truth enough! This is the opposite of being a Scientist - a la people that forge their lives on proving theories.  I don't need proof.   In any case, I realise that Quantum Theory is riddled with, at best, uncertainty and at worst is an absolute lie.  I don't even know enough about it to make that statement properly but it's my blog and I'll pontificate if I want to.

Almost (...almost) certainly, you cannot have parallel lives existing simultaneously but certainly our actions and reactions do bring about certain responses in others and ourselves from which more action will take place.  That action helps to creates our future.  Even so, sometimes things happen that are a freak occurrence.  Sometimes life brings about things you cannot plan for and even the best possible response from you will not glean an equal and opposite reaction.  Or does it?  Perhaps all responses are simply 'meant to be'?  Perhaps it is as written and nothing more..which seems unlikely.  Or perhaps it's random and chaotic and nothing at all matters because we are just here to fuck, reproduce and die...but I can't believe that either.

If life is like a choose your own adventure and where at each point we come across a fork in the road, are the possible choices for us already written and we just pick the right path within a certain parameter or are all infinite possibilities at all times always open to all of us?

I wonder about the different forks in the road that I have encountered (I am old enough to know there have been a great many) and I wonder about who that 16 year old M turned into when she said yes that time when I actually said no?  I wonder about M who turned down the temporary teaching job she was offered and what she is doing now?  I wonder about M who actually stayed in London when I came back.  Who are these other Ms?  How many hundreds of thousands of manifestations and possibilities of her exist now and how many more are there to come?  What I wonder most of all is which of her is truly authentic and which of her am I (if any)?

I'm beginning to fear that the best manifestation of M disappeared somewhere down a fork in the road long, long ago and I lost her completely.

Labels: constellations, contemplation, it doesn't help that the main character shares my name, life, life and art, musings, science, theatre, thoughts, wonderings

posted by M at 12:07 am 8 comments

This morning, on the first day back at the salt mine I was 45 minutes late.

Yes, 45 minutes. It's very lucky indeed that it wasn't a teaching day, because I would have been, pardon my French: royally fucked (fucked royale?). As it was everyone was giving me that look when I finally wandered in.. you know, the "oops you fucked up BIG time sister" look. I know it well; I was raised on that look. Some even did the slit throat sign. I was expecting the boss to really have a go at me at morning tea break because she had written this email last week explicitly stating (that is bold AND underlined) that it was strictly an 8.15am start for all staff. Well oops.

Dearest reader... I may be reaching my twilight years (team Jasper!) but I still know how to sleep in like a teen who has been going bong hits all night. I haven't seen "morning" for the past 6 weeks. My morning, summer holiday style is 1pm. My bedtime is 5-6am. I'm not sleeping that many hours here. I'm just all topsy turvy like.. I cannot simply go cold turkey back into waking up at a normal adult hour. Hell, I don't want to wake at normal adult hours. Normal adult hours are ridiculous! It was futile from the beginning.

The funny thing is that the Boss, didn't reprimand me. She looked at me and smiled and asked me how I was. There were a few people she DID reprimand (people who were on time but were ALMOST late.. ie 8.14am) - they weren't happy. Go figure. I guess you never know how things will be - sometimes you just get lucky.

I'm a little confused about my life lesson here, but I did get a little taste of what it's like to be Ferris Bueller for a minute and I gotta tell you, it's a pretty sweet existence.

Meanwhile, tonight I set my alarm extra loud because girls like me are not this lucky two days in a row.

Labels: endless summer lift the curse, ferris bueller method of living, life, stressed teachers, teacher dramas, teaching, work

posted by M at 7:53 pm 5 comments

chopped my hair off
curled it up
became a leader
still learning how to kick arse
went overseas
to cities that never close down
came back
bought a house
can't wait to make it into a home.

2009 is all about me.
finally!

Labels: about me, house, life, school, travel

posted by M at 9:59 pm 24 comments

I remember when I turned 18 and it was very cool to suddenly be able to drink (like, legally!) I was also rather stoked at being able to vote. I know, I'm a dork like that but I was really looking forward to finally being able to have my say!

When I turned 21 I was pretty excited. I got that key thingy. I still have no idea what the key means but hey, I think it was something about all doors being open to me. On a personal level I saw myself as finally being old enough to call myself an adult but still being able to do crazy shit and not have anyone really judge me on that. That is a very cool thing, now that I look back.

Now that I'm 30 (no denying it by saying I'm 29.999999999). I really don't know what it is I'm supposed to be looking forward to. Yeah, yeah you hear all those feel good hippies who never wash who always say "I'm really looking forward to my 30s because I spent my 20s searching for my identity/not really knowing who I was and now I'm comfortable with who I am so I don't have to pretend anymore BLAH BLAH BLAH". But you know what? I hate those people (yet am insanely jealous)! How dare they have all their shit worked out by 30 and be able to settle down to a life that is completely free of societal pressure? Is that even possible? I highly doubt it. It's always people who are in love/have a job they're reasonably happy with/have a child or house or totally happening sex life/have travelled the world in style that ever say this. What about the confused 30-somethings who have no effing idea how this 30 thing sprang up on them? Wasn't it just yesterday that we were all 16? I'm approaching my 30s with absolutely none of those so-called feel good pleasures of being comfortable with who I am.

Thirty. God - do the numbers ever GO up that high? Maybe I should look at this like the kids in my grade do.
twenty-seven
twenty-eight
twenty-nine
twenty-ten

That's right. Twenty-Ten. Not thirty. Not yet ready to be thirty. Numbers don't go that high.

So tell me, what is supposed to be so good about 30 anyway?

Labels: birthday, life, old, questions, wonderings

posted by M at 12:22 am 24 comments

If there any any of you still reading this...

Since you guys never play along on your blogs, and since not even the big man himself is playing along lately then I'm going to ask YOU to give me ONE song that YOU love. For those of you playing at home, I'll make the songs into a CD and play it in my car on the way to work (that's a high honour).

Labels: bloom, life, no musical monday today, questions, the list, wonderings, writing

posted by M at 10:11 pm 27 comments

Apparently in this day and age of always being ready it seems that women carry too much stuff in their handbags. I've often been accused of the same and have at one stage years ago now documented the contents of my handbag for scrutiny online. It seems as though I'm spending longer and longer searching for my keys or phone or whatever else I'm looking for. So in the spirit of making fun of myself and having nothing else to blog about I'm going to dump the contents of my bag out share with you what I carry around everyday and thus explain why my shoulder hurts like the buggery. Hopefully in the process I'll clean up a bit too.

Glitter in bottom of bag where I accidentally missed the bin and dumped a WHOLE packet of glitter in there during art clean up one day. No tis not endearing like Glinda the good Witch of the North - but more like dotty old Aunt Clara from Bewitched.
Mobile phone.
Lucas' Papaw Ointment (lip)
benefit eyeshadow (I've been looking for this everywhere!)
red chopsticks to put hair up
hair tie
alligator hair clips (geez might be an over kill it's not like I have Sampson like hair from which I garner all strength)
2 x tweezers (TWO???? wtf?)
Dodgy real estate guy calling card chuck it out!)
Lovely calling card of nice breakfast joint in Alphington (I really love good business cards)
empty anna sui perfume carry spray wah, my favourite and I can't find the fragrance anywhere anymore!)
roll on scented rose perfume from C&E
fcuk her sample (look, you never know when you need to smell nice)
list of properties to view...dated mid Nov (oops)
receipt chemist.
email address from long lost cousin hm, perhaps should write)
packet of carry tissues (only one left - do I keep the packet or not? hmm)
school teacher badge.
fold out hair brush (confess that am one of those girls you see doing their hair in their car at the traffic lights in the morning)
bobby pins left over from dress up day at school err...4 months ago.
80g external hard drive (big as my hand + chord - jesus).
Another fold out brush (this is getting ridiculous - I guess I'd lost the first one in the abyss of the messy bag and so got another one)
pay slip...Nov.
notes about business venture type stuff (err..quite a big wad of paper now that I think of it)
list of preps for next year with notes on the back I scribbled down of lyrics to a funny song.
prescription + medical certificate.
hay fever medication
sun glasses
spare tampon
spare pad
deodorant
advil
headphones for phone radio thingy.
Makeup bag - powder, eyeshadow, lip gloss, 2 eyeliner (wtf?), 2 different lipsticks, eye makeup remover thingies, liquid eye colour thing (where the hell is my mascara?)
list of properties to view - last weekend.
lost receipt for clay firing (I swear I LOST it!)
Hoyts 2 for $20 pass...exp Dec 1st (Daamnnn!)
Tori Amos ticket, Crowded House ticket, Writers Festival ticket (hm)
Australia Post investigation thingy (Long story)
Purse with selected cards and things.
Bank cheque owed to me from school, STILL UNBANKED! Fuck, they will slaughter me for banking this after budgets have closed. Fuck, fuck, fuck!)
Teacher registration renewal confirmation. Am deemed not a danger to little children! (hm, suppose I should put this somewhere safe)
Invite to party I can't attend since still am sick. wah.
List of staff contact details (hm, what's that floating around loose in bag?)
Red Filofax (could have utilised that to write self note so I could remember to bank cheque about 4 months ago!)
2008 year planner - (am thinking of chucking filofax and just going for a streamlined planner that is very compact.. then again, where will I put all of my shit?)
keys
Huge envelope filled with tax receipts for last years tax which I still haven't done..

Err, that's actually a lot better than I expected. Let me tell you it's been worse as in all that + staple gun + box of nails + swiss army knife. Actually if perfectly honest must admit that my key ring does have a mini swiss army knife on it anyway (and a little Eiffel Tower).

So, girls what's in your bag? Do you pack everything in like me or are you streamlined with a tiny purse? Men - what's your stand on the man bag? How can you get through life carrying nothing around? I mean, where do you put all your stuff? If you don't have any stuff...well I want to know WHY?

Issues Survey (as seen in the paper today)
Since I'm not actually going to send it in and since I ended up doing it AND since I really have no life and am getting quite bored by sitting in bed watching every episode of the various Mr Darcy/Mr Rochester antics I have on DVD (there are a lot), well I'll post it here instead. They are yes or no answers plus my add on.

LIFE
1. Should organ donations for transplants be made compulsory?
No, mostly because of religious reasons. I mean God likes smiting me everyday so it's not like I'm down with Him, but there are people that are and whose religion says not to donate so ..no. Also I would hate if giving blood was compulsory as am deathly afraid of having blood drawn and thought of it makes me want to cut my head off.

2. Do you support the current regime of water restrictions?
Yes, of course.

3. Are there too many poker machines?
Yes Far too many! It's a disgrace, especially since the areas most adversely affected are the poorer communities.

4. Should local communities have the power to shut out poker machines?
yes.

5. Should the Federal Government say sorry to the Aboriginal people on behalf of all Australians?
Yes duh.

6. Should p-plate drivers be restricted from driving powerful cars?
yes And I say this EVEN THOUGH I was a learner and a p-plater driving a V8. It was the only car we had and when I said to mum that I wasn't allowed to drive a v8 she told me to just shut up and drive. lol.

7. Should drivers over 70 undergo compulsory licence retesting every two years
yes By god yes, have you seen them tackle the freeways? Having said yes though, I mean yes at the expense of the government. No, I really don't think they should be out of pocket if they are on a pension. If not on a pension and still holding on for dear life as CEO of large corporation and not letting Gen X and Y take over then make them pay quadruple I say!

8. Are you optimistic about the future?
No hahahahhahaha, oh god that's a good one. No, I think we can safely say that my future is marked with a big red X.

9. Has Australia become a safer place in the past 12 months?
No Let's see, the other day 6 men raped a girl and didn't get any time in jail. I'd say it's safe for some and not for others. But OVERALL, we've had all this bullshit about homeland security and meanwhile along with our alliance with the grand of USA, more hated that ever OS. Great.

10. Are you financially better off than the same time last year?
No The dollar is not stretching as far as it used to. I'm using my credit card much more often for everyday getting-by stuff than by splurging (as is what credit cards should be used for. haha). This is despite the fact that my pay has gone up.

11. Should caesarian births be performed on a needsonly basis?
yes

12. Do parents spend enough time monitoring what their children do online?
No, not at all. You should see the things kids do online these days. It's frightening. If the parents KNOW about it and allow it, then that's even WORSE!

13. Do you intend to travel overseas in the next 12 months
yes..and no. I intend to travel every year. I'm ready right now. And yet..

14. Do you appreciate the indoor smoking ban in pubs and clubs?
yes I know the smokers of the world are feeling the injustice of being singled out here (freedom blah blah blah) but now when I go out I don't smell like smoke, I don't get a headache, I don't have smelly hair that takes about 2 days of washing to stop smelling like ciggies. I choose not to smoke and it pisses me off that others feel like they have the right to inflict their smoke on ME even though it instantly gives me a headache or makes me feel nauseous and inhaling too much of it gives me asthma. I can't choose not to breathe you know, that oxygen stuff permeates everywhere and so does smoke. If I decide to walk into a smoking section of a restaurant then yes that's my problem but I'm glad that clubs are free of it.

FAMILY (Skipping this bit as is not yes/no)

HOME
19. Do councils have too much control over what you do with your home?
No Not on the whole but sometimes they are a bit pissy about stuff. I mean if you want to cut down a tree in your backyard then by god you should be allowed to.

20. Should the size of houses be restricted to cut down on environmental impacts?
No BUT all new houses should be made with environmental provisions, as should all extensions. Solar energy, water tanks etc.

21. Has your suburb become more crowded in the past year?
No um..well I don't think so. There's a little more going on than previously though.

22. Do you plan to buy or sell a home in the next 12 months?
yes HAHAHHAHA, oh this is killing me *wipes tear*.

23. Do you intend renovating in the next 12 months?
yes something tells me yes.

24. Has the level of service by your council become better or worse in the past year?
no - the same.

25. Would you consider riding a bike to work?
No - it's not practical This question should have read: Would you consider putting yourself and others in mortal danger by riding a bike to work?

LAW AND ORDER
26. Have you been a victim of crime in the past year?
yes only by school children who steal my farking pens and stuff from the art room. :(

27. Have you witnessed drunken violence in the past year?
yes.

28. Have you been personally affected in some way by drugs?
No though I know people who have been..so perhaps it has affected me but more in a secondary way.

29. Do you support the decriminalisation of public drunkeness?
I don't know. I mean without it where would St. Pats day be? But then again, to be perfectly honest I've been followed by packs of drunken guys outside nightclubs before and that probably wouldn't have happened if they'd been sober. It was scary.

30. Should there be cigarette style warning labels for beer and wine?
No It's about moderation. Even being a occasional smoker shows many or as many in some cases risks to your health as being addicted - whereas alcohol is a lovely numbing agent that helps one get through the day, much like a health tonic. That is my story and I'm sticking to it dammit!

31. Have you confidence in the police?
No HA, as if.

32. Should there be a royal commission into police corruption?
Yes fuck yes.

SPORT
33. Is the AFL out of touch with what fans rally want?
Yes We want blood on the field and antics and not so many stupid rules about loutish behaviour on the part of the crowd. What's wrong with a bit of nudity? What's wrong with throwing stuff onto the field? What's wrong with heckling? Where's the fun gone?

34. Are there too many Victorian teams in the AFL?
No Are there too many NSW and QLD teams in the league?

35. Should the Kangaroos move to the Gold Coast?
yes And take Wayne Carey with you, and keep him there forever. I mean FOREVER!

36. Should the AFL thre-strikes drug policy be reduced to...
Zero Tolerance or one strike and you're out. They are supposed to be athletes. They get paid a shit load like real athletes. So dammit they should act like athletes. Though, I think that this is for any performance enhancing, or recreational drugs during the season. On the off season they needn't be tested. They can fall into a coma a million times then if they want.

37. Should clubs be tougher on footballers who misbehave in public?
yes Especially during the season.

38. Should drug cheats be banned for life from their sport?
Yes If it's a habit then especially yes. And if it's performance enhancing then absolutely. A one off for marijuana? No.

39. Are sports stars good role models for youth?
No they aren't GOOD but they are role models nonetheless. Kids totally look up to sporting heroes and they talk about them all the time. Kids are absolutely passionate about their favourite sports stars and so no matter how much someone says 'but they shouldn't be role models' they actually ARE role models and need to act like it or seriously get out of the career and go get a normal job.

POLITICS
40. Do you support Australia's role in the war in Iraq?
No Bloody stupid war.

41. Should the Brumby government do more to develop public transport?
yes As it stands I refuse to take public transport unless I absolutely have to. I know it's environmentally unfriendly of me to take the car but there you have it. In most cases it only costs me a few dollars extra to drive and park PLUS not all areas are serviced with trains, and in many areas the transport is infrequent and packed full of people. I'm not paying 10 bucks a day to stand squashed next to someone's arm pit. When the bus cost 3 bucks for a day pass I was THERE - nowadays it's ridiculous. Victoria has shit public transport. The Sydney transport is so much better, more frequent, runs longer hours and in most cases cleaner.

42. Is the Brumby gov. doing enough for country Victoria?
Dunno Ashamed to say...

43. Is the Brumby government doing enough for Melbourne?
Dunno He's barely shown his face since Bracks stepped down. I wouldn't have the faintest what he's up to. Must mean he's not doing enough - god knows how the pollies love to tell EVERYONE when they've done something right.

And there ya go, time wasting achieved. Back to Mr Darcy.

Labels: answers, handbag, life, meme, political musings, questions, still sick, stuff

posted by M at 5:28 pm 19 comments

The sun begins by creeping over the horizon, birds awake piercing the morning with their cheery calls... The light sees the sky turn yellow and blue and the colours fade from grey to a gradual brilliant. Flowers open, dew collects, the morning arises with a casual yawn. She does this every day, mother nature, with elegance and ease. Everything in its own time ...and place. And joining the dance, us humans - the morning traffic begins to make its cautious way into the day, rubber on tar snaking a trail around and in and out through the city and streets. The garbage truck creeps around the roads, stopping at every house with a loud hiss and bang while the rest of the city prepares to shake off that blanket of sleep..

beeep! Eyes snap awake, roll over, snooze, peel eyes open from the inside, roll out of bed, toilet, yawn, taps, warm water, wash, scrub, fingers find their way through the tangle in my hair, rub, rub, rubbing at the suds and the scalp, lathering rinse, repeat, puff - lather, bubble, repeat, bend at waist and shave legs, scrape, scrape scrape, think about the day, scrape - bleeding - keep going. Step out of shower, towel, rub, dry, moisturise, brush teeth - stroke stroke stroke, spit, smile, stroke stroke stroke, spit smile - repeat ad nauseum, hair dry, flip, comb, comb comb, flip, toss, brush, style, make up - cover circles, marks, imperfections, examine self in the mirror - self in parts never whole. Dress, run.

Check phone, contemplate breakfast, decide agains, apple? Maybe later, late, fuck breakfast, lunch? Maybe I'll grab something from the store, shoes, run. Keys turn, door slam, walk to car, juggle lap top, juggle keys, juggle bag, chuck it all in, chuck self in, keys, ignition, radio, seat belt, glasses, go - go - go - go - go - stop - shit - go - go - go - go - radio funny, laugh, repeat, laugh - stop, go quick go - go - merge - go park stop. Juggle bags and self, coffee, where's the coffee? Where's the fucking coffee? Morning, good morning, yes - I'll get on top of that, I'll get that done, Will talk to you about it later, how are you going anyway? Can't stop, on the go. Speak soon. Juggle bags and coffee - spill coffee, once, twice, thrice, sigh.

Breathe for a minute.

Bell. Fuck, go, roll, tell kid off, explain, discuss, interact, demonstrate, model, inspire, implore, impact, go, do it now, do it! You haven't got all day. Answering questions on the fly - feelings of inadequacies spring to the surface, help out, encourage, smile, counsel, assure, show, scaffold, joke, admire, not really listening, look outside window, blue skies, wonder for a moment, quick hurry, pack up, talk, stop everyone, discipline, back to clean up, evaluation, grade line up - and out.

New grade - go, roll, tell kid off, explain, discuss, interact, demonstrate, model, inspire, implore, impact, go, do it now, do it! You haven't got all day. Answering questions on the fly - feelings of inadequacies spring to the surface, help out, encourage, smile, counsel, assure, show, scaffold, joke, admire, not really listening, look outside window, blue skies, wonder for a moment, quick hurry, pack up, talk, stop everyone, discipline, back to clean up, evaluation, grade line up - and out.

Recess - quick coffee, wait in line, tap. Yep, hard morning, what about you? Little devils, little rascals, little somethings. This one did good, I was impressed too - good to know it's the same for all of us. Say, what are you doing about reports? Oh yes, horrible time. Here's me, catch you later. Coffee, sip, no biscuits again, sigh, rush back - spill coffee. Damn forgot to go to the toilet.

New grade - go, roll, tell kid off, explain, discuss, interact, demonstrate, model, inspire, implore, impact, go, do it now, do it! You haven't got all day. Answering questions on the fly - feelings of inadequacies spring to the surface, help out, encourage, smile, counsel, assure, show, scaffold, joke, admire, not really listening, look outside window, blue skies, wonder for a moment, quick hurry, pack up, talk, stop everyone, discipline, back to clean up, evaluation, grade line up - and out.

New grade - go, roll, tell kid off, explain, discuss, interact, demonstrate, model, inspire, implore, impact, go, do it now, do it! You haven't got all day. Answering questions on the fly - feelings of inadequacies spring to the surface, help out, encourage, smile, counsel, assure, show, scaffold, joke, admire, not really listening, look outside window, blue skies, wonder for a moment, quick hurry, pack up, talk, stop everyone, discipline, back to clean up, evaluation, grade line up - and out.

Lunch, fuck forgot it. No time. No time. Coffee - where's the fucking coffee? Too much work to do, back to the hole, clean, wonder, clean, prepare, think, sit - write, plan, devise, predict, assess child #1 - wonder, tick, cross, skill met, not met. Child #2 - wonder, tick, cross, skill met, above, way above. Stop, tell a child off for running the hallway. Sit down, another runs through, get up, tell off again, lunchtime detention. Coffee glup - cold, yuk. Time for new cup. Bell, forgot to go to the toilet again.

New grade - go, roll, tell kid off, explain, discuss, interact, demonstrate, model, inspire, implore, impact, go, do it now, do it! You haven't got all day. Answering questions on the fly - feelings of inadequacies spring to the surface, help out, encourage, smile, counsel, assure, show, scaffold, joke, admire, not really listening, look outside window, blue skies, wonder for a moment, quick hurry, pack up, talk, stop everyone, discipline, back to clean up, evaluation, grade line up - and out.

Bell, kids run out. Quiet. Assessment, child #3 - repeat - child #20 repeat - child #50 repeat - yawn, coffee, yawn, cleaners come in. You still here? Feel loserish, slink out. Juggle lap top and bag and assessment, keys open door and chuck everything in, chuck self in. Key, ignition, radio, belt, glasses, go - stop - go - stop - go - stop afternoon traffic is a bitch. Pull sun shield down. The yellow hues of the day are beginning to settle behind the trees on the horizon. The sun is low in the sky and it has it's pajamas on, almost ready for bed. Park, turn off ignition, breathe for a second. Juggle things.

Computer on, coffee, food, toilet (finally), email, read, laugh, blogs read, comment, laugh, think, breathe, food ready. TV, news, newspapers, catch up with the world outside. Look at face in mirror - always in parts, peel away at the make up. Scrub self clean, brush teeth - stroke stroke stroke, spit, smile, stroke stroke stroke, spit smile - repeat ad nauseum. Read, talk to friend, yes we'll have to get together soon - crap time of year...speak to you next time, music, wonder a bit, peel off clothes and settle into bed, set alarm, think about writing, must write, must, must, should, need.... Breathe slowly, heavily, sleepy - eyelids flutter closed, roll over, cheek presses into pillow, breathing becomes steady, muscles relax, breath deepens, sleep comes and so does sweet relief.

beep!

And it begins...again.

Sometimes the days don't feel like their bleeding into the next, but if I'm honest I have to say that mostly they do. Even when they are unpredictable with goings out and parties to attend and people to see it's still the same old rushed feeling. Is it just me that is frantic, or is it all of us?

Sometimes my life feels like a favourite Orbital song of mine. A perfect soundtrack really.

Halcyon & On & On - Orbital

Labels: and on and on, life

posted by M at 12:01 am 10 comments