Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Trio of nothingness

*** Okay Amy tagged me to do this list of 10 shuffle ipod songs.

1) Long Distance Drunk - Modest Mouse
2) Muppet Show Theme - The Muppets (Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!)
3) So Real - Jeff Buckley
4) Joker and The Thief - Wolfmother
5) The Hustle - Van McCoy (umm..hey look there's Tom Cruise!!!! *runs away*)
6) Claire De Lune - Debussy (see, am classy sometimes!)
7) Pretty On the Inside - Hole (psh, a girl can't be classy all the bloody time!)
8) Bedroom Eyes - Kate Ceberano (um...hey look there's ..oh fuck it!)
9) Andres - L7
10) Pump It Up - Elvis Costello & The Attractions

Thank God Jump - Kris Kross didn't come up!

*** I found myself in the posho section of Myer this evening, trying to decide whether Wedgewood or Royal Doulton is better. I'm buying one of those gifts for whom someone style comes second to label. People like me do not belong in the posho section of any store - I don't know why I volunteered to get it in the first place. I hate the posho section! Swarovski crystals are sparkly bits of nothingness to me, little ornaments makes my eyes bleed and I am the world's clumsiest person. Clumsy and expensive crystal do not go hand in hand btw. I made sure not to breathe the whole time I was there.

I don't really understand the notion of labels over style but I suppose people aren't really passing on K-mart Classics and tablecloths from Big W on to their loved ones when they die - but still, who gives a shit if your photo frame is a Wedgewood or not? Well, I hope SW does because, after much deliberation that's what she's getting for her 60th.

*** In other news the Art Room is being invaded by minibeasts! The other day I was getting the children packed up from their art lesson when I hear this little scream from one of the preps - I look over and she is standing at the sink and pointing upwards. I follow her shaky pointer and ARGGGHHHHH, A SPIDER - and it's MOVING!

Now, folks - I'm one of those people that get a tad hysterical when spiders are present. This fear was not helped by my lovely Papa who one day when greeting him home from work THREW a dirty big fake, black joke spider at my head. It scared the shit out of me and I never, greeted him at the door again! I refuse to greet anyone anymore. Honey, I'm home! Yeah? Well, you just make sure you approach with both hands where I can see 'em, Mister.

I remember in my first year of teaching in the middle of a Maths lesson this bigger than Ben Hur spider crawls up the wall of my humble classroom causing me to completely LOSE it. I ran to the other side of the room yelling KILL IT! KILL IT! and wouldn't move from my little corner until one of the boys (yes that would be one of the six year olds) got rid of it for me. In the end I realised that me yelling KILL IT! may have been traumatic for a couple of the kids so I revised it to a rather hysterical sounding "take it outside so it can live and be free in the garden NOWWWW!!!!!" but I think the kids heard the KILL IT! KILL IT! thing so it wasn't quite an effective environmental message as it could have been.

Anyway, back to the Art Room: The prep kid is pointing and screaming at the most HIDEOUS, hairy, huge spider I have ever seen - and like some horrific nightmare come true, it started crawling across the ceiling where it stops still just above the tap! This, of course prompts 10 other prep kids who are standing in line waiting to wash their hands to also start screaming as well! It takes every ounce of my superpowers to not join in on the screaming and follow that up by running out the door to my car and screeching off home to my bed. I can't tell you how much restraint it took me to calmly say "oh don't worry kids, it won't hurt you. It's more scared of you than you are of it". This is of course utter BULLSHIT! There is no way in hell the spider is more scared of me than I am of it, but since I am the adult here - Home Alone style - I just smile serenely and usher the kids back to their classroom.

Ten minutes later I have the industrial rubber gloves on as I spray one half bottle of Baygon square at its hideous form while screaming the whole time and doing that dance that looks like someone is shooting bullets at my feet while the Mexican Hat Dance theme plays loudly in the background.

The Italian teacher walks by and I tell him of my near death experience. At my house, I kill the spiders and [my wife] kills the cockroaches. It works out okay he says. "Cockroaches?" I'm horrified. "I hate those second to spiders!"

Same prep class one week later. A kid puts up her hand. Uh, Miss F.
I just saw a cockroach!

*** EDIT - Men (and women with access to penises (penii?)) who read this blog - please humour me for a second. I found an interesting size chart on Cazzie's blog.

Click here for interesting size chart

Basically, I want to know if it's true to life. I'm not asking for your penis or shoe size here, just a simple yes or no will do nicely.

According to your scientific calculations - is this chart for real (give or take a couple of cms)?

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