[Miscellany]

Don't you just hate it when you're googling something and you don't get what you are looking for? You may, for instance, end up at a page written by a slightly disgruntled teacher with an axe to grind about dumb things that no one else cares about. That would be a let down if you were say looking for pictures of penises. I can just see the hunched shoulders and collective sigh of my pensis perving accidental readers as they stumble across this page instead. Oh what a horrible disappointment!

I will aim to address some of my recent googled phrases in the hope that at least if you've ended up here unknowlingly then perhaps I can answer some of your queries.

nobbi small penis

I can't say I've had a good look at it but what are we judging against here? By small are we talking cocktail sausage on a toothpick? Are we thinking of small in relation to Eric Stoltz? A representative of the lollypop guild? Rasputin? Jamie Lee Curtis? Small is a rather objective term. I was going to post a photo of various penises here but wasn't sure I could pull it off.

....geddit? ...nevermind.


nobbi penis

Again with Nobbi's penis. Maybe it's the only action we're seeing on Big Brother this year... I don't know. Perhaps since Rory's talking about his own package so much, everyone else is forced to focus on Nobbi instead??


true stories women faked being a midwife and stole baby

Seriously? Wow, I was so fascinated by this that I googled it myself but came across nothing about it. There was a story about a woman being murdered and her fetus stolen from womb and a story about women in Europe who are being forced into sex slavery/baby factories where their baby is taken from them and then sold to rich couples living in the US and other Western countries. The article said that Western couples were not often aware of the circumstances in which they obtained their "adoptive baby". No shit. I often find that when people with a lot of money really really want something then they will go out of their way to NOT read between the lines.

I realise that being aware of how our actions contribute to world suffering (or rather how world suffering contributes to certain other groups living very well indeed) means that there will be a lot of guilt floating around on our part. However, completely ignoring how the other half lives never did anyone any favours either. All privilege comes at the expense of someone or something don't you think? Perhaps it's time we really did take more of a stand on what we buy, from whom and analyse how we can be more compassionate consumers.


im taking a remedial art class for fuck-ups and retards

aren't we all?


what is mez

I often ask myself the same question. I guess mostly unmotivated, slightly disgruntled, highly disorganised, moderately pessimistic, pretty quirky, visually inspired, secretly romantic and pathetically daydreamy just about sums it up.

big brother nobbi penis

oh for fucks sake you win you persistent wanker!

Happy?


Now you tell me - what do you think of the size?












travis and the heart sunnies

Okay, he's a man and he wears heart shaped sunglasses. He also insists that he's completely heterosexual. I say camp as a row of tents, but who cares. I kind of like how everyone is absolutely dying to label him but simply cannot because we really can't without his permission. HA!


walked-in accidentally nude naked penis

Don't you just hate it when that happens? Penises need a dress code, surely.

icehouse no promises

No Promises

The song reminds me of being young and running around the local neighbourhood with my friends until the sun went down.

Every time I try to be objective about it, I can't. I know it's not the greatest song in the world. I also don't actually care about that. This is why music is a great thing.

asian mafia in melbourne

I've noticed lately that there are quite a few puffy cookie puff stores opening up randomly around town. This may be some sort of front. Watch this space for a TV mini series about the puffy murders that will be produced and filmed in Melbs but won't be shown here due to a pending gangland (puffland) trial. That's all I'm sayin'!


nobbi asian

..wait is this guy from Melbourne?! Oh. My. G..



book quote it's polyester, i'm wearing polyester.

No idea but I'm guessing the book is a stinker.

...

worlds best knockers

A while ago I found myself watching the first few episodes of Ugly Betty and realised that Salma Hayek has the greatest rack in show biz. She's totally sexy, curvy and womanly. I don't know how but I somehow managed a hard on. <3


















dogs drool bibs

okay, I'm going to say this one time only ladies and gentleman. I think people who dress their pets should be shot at close range and then peed on. Yes I'm fucking serious.

Labels: big brother, crap reality tele, google, penis, questions, wonderings

posted by M at 9:23 pm 14 comments

There isn't a lot of full frontal male nudity around in mainstream movies is there?

The point was hammered home yesterday when I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall at the cinema. Yes, yes fine I realise it's not exactly high quality cinema but then again I don't have a stick up my arse about only watching movies that win at Sundance. Anyway, within the first 20 minutes or so there is a rather unassuming and flaccid CINEMASCOPE SIZED PENIS displayed for all to see. Hellooooooo sailor!

Perhaps the copious amounts of xxx porn I consume (What? Who said that?) has desensitized me to all penises -big and small- but I wasn't all that shocked to see it hanging there. In context, sure I realised that you don't usually pay your $15 bucks for penis and popcorn but overall it was pretty underwhelming. This view was not shared by the woman and man sitting behind me who clucked their tongues and she even said "oh my god, can you believe this?" and he replied with another disapproving click of the tongue.

Okay there are a couple of things going on here:

Firstly - Surely "from the makers of Knocked Up and 40 Year old Virgin" highlighted on the poster should have been a big giveaway that this wasn't going to be a deMille classic.

Secondly - I bet if a couple of enormous, plastic surgeried (made up word), blemish/scar free, perfectly airbrushed chesticles with nipples so erect that they could poke a man blind were presented on an actress of anorexic proportions who sported a bush that was expertly waxed to show a "landing strip" and little else then noone but the bible bashers from friggin Alabama would complain. Am I right? Ohhhh, but put a penis on screen for literally one second and everyone is clucking their tongues disapprovingly.

The hypocrisy kills me. I grew up seeing more boobs and bush on television than I saw green veggies on my dinner plate - penises simply don't get a gong on the tele. Why is it okay for the mainstream camera to linger on a naked woman's body like she's being stalked but a penis is rarely if ever shown in any context other than comedy or in a blink and you'll miss it sequence? Pretty much every building in the world is a homage to the brilliant architecture of the penis and every war that has ever been fought is a testament to the mighty power of those dick(head)s, every hotted up red sports car a metaphor for a man who wishes he had one and pretty much every man drunk off his man boobs figures he has the supreme privilege to flash it to anyone who has eyes - and yet penis on screen - oh no, we've gone too far now.

I can think of one type of cinema where lingering shots of the penis are displayed in their glory. Gay cinema. Maybe there's something in that. If gay cinema has the market on the penis then does that mean that mainstream cinema is hetero-sexist?

Is a penis really more offensive than a vulva? Or... Is it too sacred to be displayed in a manner where we can purchase it easily and without embarrassment on DVD like we can with the female body (take your pick of movie, there's millions)? Or can we boil all this down to rampant homophobia on the part of the consumers and studio system alike, thus: a fear of men watching other men's penises in a darkened cinema will turn all straight men gay?

What is it about the penis?

Labels: cinema, men, movies, objectification, penis, scopophilia, voyerism, women

posted by M at 9:18 am 15 comments

It seems that when I got home from work today I fell straight into a deep coma - induced by me losing my will to live - and have woken a couple of hours later to find myself afloat in a drool puddle and with a big pillow crease on the side of my face. Mmmm Attractive - I just don't understand why I haven't been snapped up by someone special yet!

Anyway, in all the excitement of being back in the thick of things at work I totally forgot about my Musical Monday today. I had given it some thought during the week and wondered whether I should go with the tried and true or whether I should go with something different. I decided on different.

Justice - D.A.N.C.E

This, I feel will divide the masses - either you love or hate this one.

I came across the song a few months ago on the radio of all places (I know, is anyone even listening anymore?) and it made me stop what I was doing to turn it up. I have to say, I was a cross between mildly amused and impressed that first time I heard it and immediately and wanted to hear it again. I felt the same way when I first heard Too Young by Phoenix. Interestingly they are both French bands (lately there has been a lot of great electronica coming out of France). Of course these days back announcing songs is a lost art so it took me quite a while of Googling lyrics before I found it again.

I have a feeling that this song might get old in a few months - not because it's a bad song but because it has elements of that are a little derivative. At the same time, what it borrows from other songs (ie: Jackson 5-esque kiddie voices, Michael Jackson string instrument sound) is exactly what makes it such a fun piece in the first place. In the end the song is a supposed to embody a bit of Michael Jackson in it so you can't blame it for being what it is - which is essentially a tribute piece. In fact I like it for being that.

I've heard a few other songs by Justice and they're quite good overall, but this song is probably the most commercially viable and the video clip is awesomeness!

I might be sick of it in a month (which makes it a risky Musical Monday) but hey that's what happens with songs sometimes. Right now, though I'm loving it.

I might have created a cardinal sin by posting a YouTube video on the journal but hey it's a great video clip. Forgive me but watch it anyway.

D.A.N.C.E - Justice



Oh okay...here's just the audio.

Labels: male, man bag, man dance, man love, man moves, man o man, manola, men, musical monday, penis, those labels are just for you bugwit :)

posted by M at 12:02 am 12 comments

*** Okay Amy tagged me to do this list of 10 shuffle ipod songs.

1) Long Distance Drunk - Modest Mouse
2) Muppet Show Theme - The Muppets (Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!)
3) So Real - Jeff Buckley
4) Joker and The Thief - Wolfmother
5) The Hustle - Van McCoy (umm..hey look there's Tom Cruise!!!! *runs away*)
6) Claire De Lune - Debussy (see, am classy sometimes!)
7) Pretty On the Inside - Hole (psh, a girl can't be classy all the bloody time!)
8) Bedroom Eyes - Kate Ceberano (um...hey look there's ..oh fuck it!)
9) Andres - L7
10) Pump It Up - Elvis Costello & The Attractions

Thank God Jump - Kris Kross didn't come up!

*** I found myself in the posho section of Myer this evening, trying to decide whether Wedgewood or Royal Doulton is better. I'm buying one of those gifts for whom someone style comes second to label. People like me do not belong in the posho section of any store - I don't know why I volunteered to get it in the first place. I hate the posho section! Swarovski crystals are sparkly bits of nothingness to me, little ornaments makes my eyes bleed and I am the world's clumsiest person. Clumsy and expensive crystal do not go hand in hand btw. I made sure not to breathe the whole time I was there.

I don't really understand the notion of labels over style but I suppose people aren't really passing on K-mart Classics and tablecloths from Big W on to their loved ones when they die - but still, who gives a shit if your photo frame is a Wedgewood or not? Well, I hope SW does because, after much deliberation that's what she's getting for her 60th.

*** In other news the Art Room is being invaded by minibeasts! The other day I was getting the children packed up from their art lesson when I hear this little scream from one of the preps - I look over and she is standing at the sink and pointing upwards. I follow her shaky pointer and ARGGGHHHHH, A SPIDER - and it's MOVING!

Now, folks - I'm one of those people that get a tad hysterical when spiders are present. This fear was not helped by my lovely Papa who one day when greeting him home from work THREW a dirty big fake, black joke spider at my head. It scared the shit out of me and I never, greeted him at the door again! I refuse to greet anyone anymore. Honey, I'm home! Yeah? Well, you just make sure you approach with both hands where I can see 'em, Mister.

I remember in my first year of teaching in the middle of a Maths lesson this bigger than Ben Hur spider crawls up the wall of my humble classroom causing me to completely LOSE it. I ran to the other side of the room yelling KILL IT! KILL IT! and wouldn't move from my little corner until one of the boys (yes that would be one of the six year olds) got rid of it for me. In the end I realised that me yelling KILL IT! may have been traumatic for a couple of the kids so I revised it to a rather hysterical sounding "take it outside so it can live and be free in the garden NOWWWW!!!!!" but I think the kids heard the KILL IT! KILL IT! thing so it wasn't quite an effective environmental message as it could have been.

Anyway, back to the Art Room: The prep kid is pointing and screaming at the most HIDEOUS, hairy, huge spider I have ever seen - and like some horrific nightmare come true, it started crawling across the ceiling where it stops still just above the tap! This, of course prompts 10 other prep kids who are standing in line waiting to wash their hands to also start screaming as well! It takes every ounce of my superpowers to not join in on the screaming and follow that up by running out the door to my car and screeching off home to my bed. I can't tell you how much restraint it took me to calmly say "oh don't worry kids, it won't hurt you. It's more scared of you than you are of it". This is of course utter BULLSHIT! There is no way in hell the spider is more scared of me than I am of it, but since I am the adult here - Home Alone style - I just smile serenely and usher the kids back to their classroom.

Ten minutes later I have the industrial rubber gloves on as I spray one half bottle of Baygon square at its hideous form while screaming the whole time and doing that dance that looks like someone is shooting bullets at my feet while the Mexican Hat Dance theme plays loudly in the background.

The Italian teacher walks by and I tell him of my near death experience. At my house, I kill the spiders and [my wife] kills the cockroaches. It works out okay he says. "Cockroaches?" I'm horrified. "I hate those second to spiders!"

Same prep class one week later. A kid puts up her hand. Uh, Miss F.
yes!
I just saw a cockroach!
DON'T PANIC KIDS! DO. NOT. PANIC! Jesus Christ!

*** EDIT - Men (and women with access to penises (penii?)) who read this blog - please humour me for a second. I found an interesting size chart on Cazzie's blog.

Click here for interesting size chart

Basically, I want to know if it's true to life. I'm not asking for your penis or shoe size here, just a simple yes or no will do nicely.

According to your scientific calculations - is this chart for real (give or take a couple of cms)?

Labels: don't panic, fear, penis, school, spiders, teaching

posted by M at 7:39 pm 42 comments