[Miscellany]

 It's all relative that to the rusty old Tin Man encumbered with metal joints that squeal and groan, walking a block is the same as a healthy fit man running a marathon. As to me, readers of this dusty journal, I have spent the last two years silently congratulating myself whenever I make it out of bed. I am a marvel. I am strong. I breathe. I live. One such event which caused me to think of the humble old Tin Man and his creaking joints was my venture into the ocean tonight. It was the first time in as long as I can remember that I took the plunge and did something that connected me to an action worthy of old me. Although the step came in the form of an easy decision, like a switch turned on, it was years in the making.

There was the year of sitting on the beach in my clothes feeling strangely agoraphobic. Then the year I sat on the beach in my clothes with my bathers underneath, not ever touching the water. Then a tentative step inside, just up to the ankles... then the shins.. And finally, years after the desire first appeared a walk into the deep that kept going, past the hips, past the ribs and up to the chin. I kept the panic attack and fear at bay but only just. Then the hands went out and my feet lifted, and I wondered for a moment if I remembered how to swim.

I didn't at first, if I am being completely honest. I sank, stumbling over my steps like a toddler learning to walk, but again like a toddler I caught myself and went again.

Then I did remember.

I remembered being young and free (as the cliche goes) and diving deep under the waves and spending all day in the water staring at the gulls soaring above. I felt a part of the Earth and the Earth a part of me, which is a step so important that I can't begin to describe the emotion that erupted in my heart with that realisation and connection. I wanted to write it down even though I knew my brain couldn't quite remember how to turn my thoughts into words, as required here. I floated for a while and watched the clouds swirl above me peacefully and concentrated on the sounds of the gleeful children and laughing adults and took the time to feel the gentle, warmth of the salt water all around me like a comforting hug. Thus I emerged unto the shore, birthed by the Earth and Baptized by the sea and made my way back to my towel and just sat for a long time, stunned at myself and marveling at how the enormity of my actions went unnoticed by anyone else around me.

Tomorrow I go back to being a worthless excuse but tonight I am truly amazing. Trust me, I am.

Labels: beach, God, self help

posted by M at 11:30 pm 3 comments

* Saturday morning in Melbourne town saw me braving the western subs for a bit of brekkie, coffee - and apparently a trip of self discovery. For it was on this day while perusing the more unsavory of the Melbourne newspapers that I spied a "What Kind Of Personality Are You?" type test. Being a student of psychology and no stranger to the myriad of different personality tests out there - pushed on me via the route of "lab requirements" of unimelb undergrad psych, I thought what any other sane and rational person would think when faced with a personality test in their morning paper; oh goodie!.

With only 12 questions the test promised to tell me who I was. Since I'm always up for being told who or what I am I looked around left and right, before quickly pocketing the offending page and quickly finishing off my eggs.

So I took the test and here's what I found out:

I display very high levels of Neuroticism and Openness and high levels of Agreeableness. I score quite low on Conscientiousness and Extraversion. All this seems by and large on the money. I am a worrier, analytical and a thinker hence the neurotic label. Indeed I'm also very open to different kinds of people and ideas. I have strong opinions but am not actually judgemental when it comes down to it - which all apparently makes me 'open'. Agreeableness is related to being sympathetic and helping others (hello! Teacher!). I'm not known for being organised, methodological or being anally retentive and am also not known for screaming 'here I am' when I enter a room so it's only fair I score low on Extraversion and conscientiousness.

All this, I have no issue with - but then I had a look at the pictures which accompanied the personality blurbs. This is what represents me.

Yeah, hi that's the Neurotic me a cross between Herman Munster and THE GRINCH. Don't make any sudden movements or I'll rain all over you with my big black cloud of doom. I'm so Emo, now where the hell is my blacker than black eyeliner?

Hi again, when I read 'open' I thought, open to new ideas and all people - but apparently it just means that I'm about to join the Ralean sect. It also means I am a little bit wacko (look into my eyes...if you can find my wonky pupils that is) and am either into mooncakes or have stolen some kind of meterorite from the astronomical section of the Scienceworks museum. We've been observing your earth, and we'd like to make contact with youuuu.

Oh, I'm so huggy aren't I? Come here, let me hug you! Come onnnnnnn! COME HERE I WANT TO HUG YOU!! I WAAANNNNAA HUUUUUUG!! PLEASE SNUGGLE WITH ME!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? Where?.... oh.. :( Actually, ..there is a reason why I have the profile photo that I do.

So yes, after seeing those pictures I felt very well adjusted and normal didn't I? Don't worry about me - my recipe is apparently: One part Herman Munster, One part alien worshiping wack job and One part little Miss "I Psychotically love you to DEATH". Stir with swivel stick, drink and call the paramedics immediately.

* Anyway I was a tad traumatised after doing the test so was looking forward to some friendly company at dinner that night. Finally the group was going to meet L's new man. He was lovely and it was also lovely to see my friend B, who was down from QLD for a visit. Bonus of Bonuses, she turned up to the dinner with my star chart (she's a qualified astrologer). Oh goodie, another personality test - without actually having to take the test! Anyway, she starts the conversation with "you're a dark horse aren't you?" and ends with "we've been underestimating you for a long time" - which, may I add makes me feel like a bit of a fraud for some reason. Everyone went a little silent and looked at me quizzically for a while (trying to figure out my dark horse side, probably). I wonder if she was referring to my Herman Munster side.

B did tell me something that has made me want to change myself for the better though. She said that I find it hard to let people go. I have done a lot of self analysis and soul searching in my life and I had never really thought of myself in these terms. Weird I know, but as soon as she said it I knew it was true. Funny how revelations only ever feel like an anvil falling on your head but it's true, I do find it incredibly hard to let people go. I'd love to think of myself as a love 'em and leave 'em - and who really cares about 'em anyway.. type girl but I'm not. I embrace any kind of affection that comes my way - even if it's bad for me. There are a lot of reasons for this, not least the lack of affection shown to me during my own childhood and my need to feel that someone finds me worthy of their time. I've seen friends of mine go through the whole 'going back to people who make you feel bad about yourself' thing with men and the like, advising them to have the strength to say no.. when all the while it was me too. I don't want to be that girl. Closer to the case - I don't want to be her ...anymore. I don't need anymore fair weather friends. They tear me apart.

I thought about this all night, and all of today. I guess I have to be a stronger person - maybe I have to let that "agreeableness" part of me go a little and be less agreeable and be less open. Those people that use me shouldn't be welcomed by me with open arms ever again and those people that don't see my good qualities - well, it's their loss isn't it? I shouldn't see myself for being at fault just because THEY are idiotic. Stop making excuses for other people's mistakes, that's basically what I have to do.

* Meanwhile and since it's all about me today: on Idol (I know, please don't hate me for using Idol as my Musical Monday crutch for two weeks in a row) they had 'choose music from the year you were born. I thought it was a smashing idea and I've come up with a song from a band I've been meaning to do for a while now. The Rolling Stones.

I'm certainly no hardcore fan, as you will probably tell when you hear my song choice but one of my very earliest memories I have of myself enjoying music is while I was listening to The Rolling Stones. It was the 80s, I was wearing my pajamas and jumping up and down on the couch with my bro to Start me Up, which happened to be playing on Countdown one night. I did think it was an excellent song - even though I sang Stompio (hence the stomping on the couch) instead of Start me Up, but that's just a technicality surely. I mean Mick probably sang the wrong words half the time too. As for Keith, good christ, did he ever know the words? (God love 'em) But I digress. That was the early me.

In my mid teens I re-discovered them when I was going through my 60s rock and I'm depressed with the world phase. In fact Paint it Black was a constant fixture in the soundtrack of my life around that time. I can't even being to tell you how many times I listened to that one. And of course at 18-ish when I decided that Get Off My Cloud would be my theme song (I might take it up again). Then again, at 19 sitting on the floor of some filthy bungalow down by the beach singing along to As Tears Go By being played beautifully on guitar by a sad friend. And lately, with this one - 1978, my year. I love everything about it, the slightly bluesy influence, the sexy beat and all the lyrics; yes every single one - even the Peurto Rican girls just dyyyyyyyyyyyyyin' to meet you. Love it.

Miss You - The Rolling Stones



So you see, they've been around for a while; The Rolling Stones. Never really at the forefront of my life but there, behind the scenes, definitely in the soundtrack - a perfect accompaniment. Don't you just love it when must does that?




err sorry, slip of the button... what I meant was..

Labels: aries is the best chuck out the rest, beach, blurry girl, change, childhood, choices, conversations, divination, friends, girls and women, idol, mixed bag of me, musical monday, newspaper, personal

posted by M at 10:22 pm 17 comments

A covert operation planned between friends
Winking to each other in the school hallways for weeks now.
To take a day or three and just escape.
Up north, where we're told the sun still shines.
To a Tiny Town (to borrow a phrase)
Rush to the airport - park illegally
Crunching sound of a side view mirror against a pole - ouch.
Panic, maybe we won't make it on time
RUN to the check in (laughing)
Breathe out; Tickets confirmed!
Time to park properly.
RUN back to the gate - paged - oops we're late again.
Relax and put feet up - leaving behind the stress, tears and work.
Nervous excitement - we finally did it!
The elated reconciliation of old friends meeting again.
Drinks and food (and drinks..did I mention that?)
Promises that it won't be a weekend of 'running around'.
Meeting RO's husband, everything she said he was: Bloke with a capital B and twinkly eyes to boot!
Taking walks down empty beaches littered with occasional pebbles
Smoothed over by the constant crashing of water.
Conversation warmed by the sun.
Watching the surfers zip up their wet suits and chase the waves - envying their relaxed athleticism.
Amusement by the surf war pavement scribbles: "QLDers go home".
Daydreams framed by crashing waves and contented sighs
Sleepy eyed late night talks while listening to the surf.
Sipping at a red ...white ...red ...oh I forget
Music; louder than it could be
Jokes; naughtier than they should be
Dancing; dangerously daggy.
Company; progressively 'spaced'
Groggy start to each morning - peering at the view over a hot morning coffee
Lazy lunches in surf villages - this is how it should always be.
Four wheel driving along the shore
...On second thought perhaps I should have skipped that lunch.
Spotting dolphins in the distance
Hikes to the lighthouse
Picking the house we'd buy if we won lotto
Taking photos we really won't ever show anyone
Collapsing into the pillow at the end of it all
Only to wake up and wish I could do it over again.

Perfect soundtrack by a near perfect band: Do It Again - The Beach Boys

Do it again - The Beach Boys [click]

And one more, because I just love this one so much:

In my Room - The Beach Boys

Labels: beach, friends, lazy holiday, musical monday

posted by M at 7:04 pm 26 comments

Sometimes songs just remind you of certain things. I happened to hear it on the radio the other day and was almost knocked for a six by the flash of memories.

This one reminds me of summer. Sitting in the back seat on a warm day (it would have been Sunday - it was always Sunday), forehead against the window and feeling the vibrations of the wheels against the road travel up into my body. Wide eyes waiting to see the big Coca Cola billboard. Parents fighting in the front seat and bro with feet barely touching the floor next to me.

Then, at the beach, lying under a tree (under the golden leaf-filtered sunlight). Watching the little Italian men play Bocce - whooping at every score. Playing in the waves while dad watched from the shore, a floppy hat on his head. Begging to be allowed to go to a nearby playground where we twisted ourselves up on the swing and then let go suddenly only to twirl downwards, shrieking with glee. Enjoying a light dinner under the trees, swatting at the flies, scratching away at the tickles of grass under our legs. Lazily watching the sun set over the ocean, the cool breeze shivering against our tightening sunburns. Helping to carry the esky back to the car and driving home, head pressed against the window.

That's what this song reminds me of.

Johnny and Mary - Robert Palmer

Labels: beach, memories, musical monday

posted by M at 2:53 pm 24 comments