[Miscellany]

bro - Def Leopard is better than Led Zeppelin.
me: What the fuck? Are you shitting me?
bro - I am being completely serious. Def Leopard is a better band any day.
me: You are seriously on drugs. That is the most fucked up think you've ever said. "Pour some Sugar on Me" Versus "Dazed and Confused". ummmm... no contest.
bro - no. They're just better. End of fucking story.
me: YOU ARE A BOGAN! That is completely ridiculous. Are you saying that "Rocket..yeahhhhh" changed musical history like "Stairway" did? Come on. You're making me angry. I just don't get it. I DON'T UNDERSTAND how you can say something like that! You're wrong. It's wrong!
bro - they're a better band. It's a simple fact.
me: It's not a fact. You're an idiot: That's a fact!
[Thoughts?]

#2 - I have to tell you what my friends gave to each other for their wedding. They had this bit in the ceremony where the bride and groom exchanged presents.
me: aww..very sweet.
#2 - ...yeah, sort of. He's obsessed with car racing so she got him this wall hanging that's actually 3D of a racing car.
me: oooh kay, if that rocks his boat
#2 - At home the bride has is one of those people that has about a million stuffed toys on her bed.
me: oh my god, those people scare me
#2 - Exactly, so for her present he got her a 7 foot tall teddy bear. Like the ones you can buy in those flower shops at the hospital..but GIANT SIZED.
me: haha, oh shit. That would ruin the fuck out of any decor at home. I mean where do you keep it?
R - ...Hey, then did the husband grab a knife and slice the giant teddy in the stomach revealing all the other stuffed toys?
me: hahahaha, that is the best..Then the stuffed toys end up killing everyone at the wedding!!
R - Just like the horse of Troy.
me: *crying* I wish I was at that wedding!
[Now that is a wedding that someone needs to have!]

bro: if you could shoot any person down in that foot court which one would you choose?
me: *looking around and thinking*
me: *sees bloke pulling up his t-shirt to show the ladies his toned tummy*
me: oh my god...
bro: no, no, I know exactly who you are going to say but *I* want to kill him!
me: No way! He's mine. I get to kill him
bro: No way, he dies. I will use all my bullets on him.
me: I wanna do it! I want the honour!
bro: Let me!
[yes, we truly play this game in public]

fashion Cousin - C got back from her Honeymoon the other day and I was talking to her on the phone.
me: ohh how great! I love her. Did she have a wonderful time?
FC - yeah, I think so. She was talking more about her wedding though. She didn't want to be mean about it but she said "*A*, you know - I really don't get Australians sometimes"
me: haha, what? What happened?
FC - well apparently for her wedding she got some gifts that were completely inappropriate for a wedding and all of the weird ones came from Aussies.
me: oh lord, what did they give her?
FC - okay, well she said that this couple went in together and got her two Hankies. ...Just two... HANKIES.
me: WHAT THE HELL? That's ridiculous...Were they personally embroidered in gold? Were they rare materials? ..I don't ... Um... what?
FC - Exactly. C didn't understand how anyone would give something like that. Then she got this little box and guess what was in the little box?
me: voucher for a stay in a nice hotel in the city?
FC - One spoon and one knife.
me: *laughing uncontrollably* ... I don't understand. Was it solid silver and ...like a special server or some kind?
FC - no...just one normal dinner setting of ONE spoon and ONE knife. It came from two people. I don't understand.
me: Do people not know how weddings work. You give a gift of roughly the same value as the cost for your place at the table. It's manners. Everyone knows this. If you're povo, no one is going to care but if you can afford a new dress or shoes then you can afford to give a present to your friends on their wedding day!
FC - THANK YOU! I thought I was going crazy for a second.

[okay seriously, this is how I see it. If you are invited to a wedding you fork out for a nice present of roughly the same value as your place at the reception. If you are a couple it doesn't mean you get to flake out. Two places for dinner = putting in a little extra. Am I so far off the mark here?

E - After this trip, I've run out of excuses, girls. I'm going to have to... you know.
me: oh my god.
E - ..squeeze one out.
me: !!!
E - I know.
[..and you boys think we're trapping YOU into it!! pffffffft!]

E - Did you know there are 30% more single women in our age bracket than single men? I'm feeling the pinch.
me: what the hell are you talking about, you're MARRIED!
E - It's a sympathy pain.
[Am not sure if that works.]


Me: I went to see Mamma Mia the other day
bro - I can't believe you went to see that! You suck.
me: Yeah, it was Mamma Shitta.
bro - that didn't work.
me: meh...I tried.
[should it have been Mamma Merda?]

Here's one that is about as far away from ABBA, Led Zepp and Def Leopard as you can get. Just, I don't know what to say about it that would do it justice so let me just play it. I'm sure you know the song. It's incredible.

Just Like Honey - The Jesus and Mary Chain.

Labels: bro, defining moments in musical history, foreign weddings, friends, music, musical monday, quotegirl, singletons

posted by M at 10:25 pm 21 comments

me - Hey, how was your first assembly yesterday kids?
kid - it was good, you know we sang that song: Australians all in Ostriches. It was funny.
me - ...you mean Australians all let us rejoice...?
kid - um...maybe.
(I guess we need to go through that national anthem thingy).


frowny kid - why do you always smile?
me - hm?
frowny kid - well you're always smiling. I don't always feel like smiling so I don't always smile.
me - well, I like smiling, it's nice. You could do with a little more smiling you know! Besides, it's one of our rules!
(Like, it really is. It's on the board in bold letters and everything. Everyone must smile!)

Corey Haim kid - you know how you were away yesterday?
me - yep, sure do
CHK - well, that teacher we had, I forget her name ...or something. She was speaking a different language ...or something. I never understood anything she said. She didn't speak English!
me - oh really? *checking records of who was in the classroom*
CHK - I think she was Italian or something like that.
me - um, she was Irish! She was speaking English!
CHK - oh.
(I suppose it can be hard to tell. I mean the accent is so gorgeous that you really don't care what they're saying half the time do you?!)

Mum - I don't understand this body corporate. Why is there such a thing?
me - it pays for all those things you might want to use in the building plus maintaining the property
Mum - It's like communism, you pay someone else to tell you when you can have a bath, or what food you can eat. Everyone is stuck in the same paying for things they don't even want!
(God, well when she puts it like that, I really can't argue. Perhaps I should cross that one off my list).

me - you doing anything special with the man on vday?
C - well this is the one day of the year that he cooks! So we're having dinner in.
me - how lovely! What do you think he'll cook?
C - I know he's going to cook pancakes.
me - ...pancakes?
C - It's actually the only thing he knows how to cook. He does those shake the bottle ones.
me - oh. my. god...that is so romantic!
C - I know! I'm going to get him chocolates.
(you see guys, no one - worth knowing- is actually expecting a bloody diamond! Just being yourself is nice!)

me - S was upset because none of the other girls brought their babies to dinner. She wanted little N to meet all their babies!
#1 - err..it's not like little N is really going to remember meeting some randoms at a dinner one night. He's a baby!
me - exactly, it's not like they're really going to be exchanging business cards and making dates to meet up at the local pub later!
(I mean seriously. Sometimes babies can be left at home with dad. Dad is also a parent. Dad is in fact the OTHER parent!!

The past two weeks have had me play host to a couple of important people in the classroom. One was Mr school Counselor who has been visiting every grade (trying to get a feel for the wackos probably) and a parent who also happens to be a teacher, who wanted to clock up some volunteer hours in my class. I was a bit nervous having other adults in the classroom after so long out of the classroom - especially since school counselor actually has to work with me as a peer and he also happens to be a parent of a child in the class next door - so comparisons will be made. Meanwhile having one single parent making judgments on your teaching is basically the kiss of death if things go wrong. Sometimes parental opinion comes in the form of lemmings jumping off a cliff you see.

Anyway, both counselor and parent said wonderful complimentary things - even going so far as to praise the way I had my classroom organised in comparison with the other grades (including the counselor's child's class). It's made me feel a whole lot more at ease with my teaching and that the hard work is paying off. My class is still difficult but I've worked damn hard to get them to where they are now, which is nowhere near where I want them to be but has been garnering a lot of compliments from their other specialist teachers. It's very cool.

random question - answer honestly: Are you completely repulsed or strangely fascinated by all the cyst/boil removal videos on You Tube? I have to say, I can watch that shit all day. Sorry - but it's true. I'm really into freaky stuff like that. Apologies if you find this revelation about my good self unbearable and now want to stop reading!

Labels: friends, quotegirl, school, weird things

posted by M at 9:07 pm 18 comments

G: I have all these single earrings all lined up now.
#2 : oh you should get rid of them. It's depressing having all these displaced earrings. You're not going to find the other one. It gets confusing.
G: I will NOT throw them away. Us single things must stick together. They shall not be cast aside and thrown on the rubbish heap because they are unworthy and alone just because they are not part of a pair.
Exactly!

me: so what you're saying is that angry women actually get results.
G, #2, E: YES! EXACTLY!
me: so...we should be angry more often?
G, #2, E: YES!
Em: it's a good thing.
Me: what about all those people that think I might be deranged?
#2; Well yes, that could be a bit of a problem
When girls stand up for themselves in an assertive manner it's always seen as 'being angry' for some reason.

Me: I'd like a new job but I have no other skills or talents.
#2; oh well that could be an issue.
Me: yes quite.
Em: You could be a commedian on the radio. You could do that.
Me: No I couldn't. I'd be terrible.
Em: Whenever I hear that Adam Richards guy on fox I think of you.
Me: Adam Richards..the reeeeally gay bloke who is in love with Paris Hilton?
Em: YES! That's him. He's sooo funny.
Me: right...great. I'm not only the crazy lady AND I'm also a gay bloke! I can't think why I'm not happily married.
Em: yes.
greeeaaat

kid: Miss H! Miss H!
Miss H: now, kids remember what I told you about that "that's my name buuuuut..."
all 21 children in her grade in unison: "but don't wear it out"
Miss H: that's right.
Me: Oh. My. God.
Teachers do many things to amuse themselves

me: what are the body corporate costs of this place?
Stupid estate agent: well actually, you realise that they're not "costs" per se. It takes care of maintenance etc
me: I know what body corporate does, I just was wondering how much it costs per year or quarter
stupid estate agent: well as I said, it's NOT a cost, it's an investment that pays for things that might go wrong etc"
me: So you're saying that if nothing goes wrong then you don't have to pay a fee? *not waiting for him to answer* No, that's right right - you pay for it anyway regardless of whether anything goes wrong or not. That makes it a cost, and when you're paying your mortgage off you need to take into account ALL costs, which this happens to be one of
Stupid estate agent: ...it's not a cost.
...speaking of angry women

G: Is it just me or the more breeding our friends do the less you actually want to get pregnant yourself?
hahaha - well you certainly don't need a stroller for a puppy.

Labels: quotegirl

posted by M at 9:50 pm 16 comments

You know when you hear that great song on the radio?
..she's just a girl who says that I am the one but the kid is not my son...
bro: Do you think that this song is a response to a girl who walked in on Michael Jackson in bed with her son and he's all like "hey, what you so mad about, he ain't MY son"?
me: ....that is fucked UP

The Falafel Conundrum
bro: What's so good about falafel anyway?
me: huh, what the hell are you talking about? Everyone fucking loves falafel, people go crazy over it.
bro: I don't think it's that good. In fact, it's shit.
me: Well yeah, but you could ask anyone and anyone would probably disagree. It caters to the finger food market, to the vegos, you can eat it hot or cold..you can dip it in stuff... People love that crap.
bro: Yeah well I disagree with that. If you offered a better alternative then people would take it.
me: Of course, so what's your better alternative then?
bro: ...sushi.
me: oooooo..you should do a research study on it.


Prams and Ma'ams
me: oooo, here's a question I've been wondering about for a while and now that you're a mum you can finally answer it for me!
#1: okay..
me: you know when you're at the shopping centre with your pram, do you intentionally try to mow innocent non-babied people down?
#1: HELL yes! We have no mercy, we don't even care.
me: Bastards! I will no longer feel guilty for getting in their way. I'm going to step in front of them and do that thing where I suddenly stop and look around dazed like I don't know where I'm going and just when they try to get round me I'm going to start up again and block 'em off. This is WAR!

The Sandpit
*kids digging in the sandpit*
me: Hm, so what are you guys doing over there?
kid #1: We're digging the biggest hole in the world.
kid #2: YEAH!
me: wow, it does look pretty big. Soooo...then what are you going to do with that hole?
kid #1: Um.. then we're going to wreck it!
kid #2: YEAH!
me: ...well...good luck with that.

Colleagues
Speechy: Sometimes I feel bad for looking so forward to the end of term.
me: Feeling bad? I'm beyond feeling bad. Bring. It. On.
Speechy: So how are you going with your reports?
me: hahaha, I'll let you know once I've started. I've got so much other stuff to do first that I haven't thought of them yet
Speechy: Aren't they due in 2 days?
me: You know what? Prin can wait until I'm good and ready!
Speechy: Yes, it's horrible right up until the bitter end isn't it?

Labels: quotegirl

posted by M at 12:47 pm 13 comments

I'm feeling a little 'under the fire' at work at the moment. I haven't been in the art room teaching art. I've been in the classroom teaching English, Maths and other assorted goodies. This is a temporary change while our school undergoes student testing. I've loved being in the classroom, and felt like my creativity has returned. It's funny that while teaching art I've felt that my own creativity has been stifled but while in the classroom my fight instincts are switched on and I'm constantly challenged to be on my toes, thinking of new ways to make old ideas exciting. In art - everything is pretty much already exciting. I mean how much do you really have to work to make red paint exciting? It's bloody red paint! It's slimy, it's colourful, it's messy and it's sloppy. What's not to love?

The stifled creativity that I've felt in the art room however is made up for by the fact that I am basically my own boss. I decide, plan and execute my program. I pick out the materials. I decide on the displays. I get to say which work goes up and which work doesn't. I get to be as organised or as disorganised as I like and fuck 'em if they don't agree. This freedom is wonderful. I love it. That is, I've loved it until now. Until one particular teacher has decided that she'd like to plan an extension art program for talented children.

This particular teacher is a senior teacher and well respected. She's also a friend. I don't always agree with her professional opinion - that is when it comes to what is considered talent in art. She'd like to work with me to plan an extension art group. I've been thinking of doing the same anyway, so that's no problem. But the issue is that I want to choose who goes into the group and I want to plan what goes on in the group. I know that S's idea of who goes into the group will be a little different from mine. She will pick talented artists (based on my wide recommendations) but her proviso is that their IQ needs to be high as well (since that's the point of her program). I, on the other hand would like to see children who don't get a go in anything else BUT who are also talented at art to do the program. I don't want to choose on IQ. I also don't want to be a strong arm when it comes to this... I feel a bit pressured to create a program now that is going to make the powers that be happy, when all I've been doing for the last year are things that make me and the students happy.

I don't like this feeling.

Readers of cbg will be aware of my little flirtation with public bathroom graffiti. For those that haven't seen cbg, I saw a message the other day on a toilet door that said "you are loved beyond your capability to even comprehend". I thought it was an interesting message for me to have read and wondered if anyone else had seen the message on that day and felt a little like looking over their shoulder, just like I did. I already know that roughly 99% of people who read this journal think that fate or messages or any of that stuff is bullshit, so I won't ask you what you think. But sometimes I wonder whether the universe gives a little tap. Why? I don't know.

In other news, quotegirl!

choir master - Okay kids, I want you to stand up straight and tall and sing the National Anthem - you all know the words to that, right?
8 year old - would you like me to sing it vebratto or Deep vebratto?
choir master - uh..just your normal voice will do...
hahaha, the kid was being serious too

#1 - So, S have you been doing your Pelvic Floor Exercises
me - oh shit, do we have to start talking about this?
S - How do you know you're even doing them right?
me - just stick a squeeze toy up there and if you get a noise out of it then you know you're doing it right.
S, #1, F - ....
I sure know how to stop traffic

Fashion Cousin - He texted me "I'm stressed at work. I need some space". What does that mean?
me - doesn't sound so good...
Fashion Cousin - if he wanted to break up, would he have just said so?
me - um, I dunno maybe but something tells me that men are only forward when it comes to football ...and beer.
What an arse - seriously, TEXT MESSAGE? bah!

C - the only bad thing about getting flowers is playing it up for the guy. They're only flowers but you have to stand there for just a little longer than you want to - admiring, cause if you don't you'll never get them again!
oops, that convo was supposed to be for girls only

C.O - I know this family that had a child called Luke. Then they were granted custody of their niece whose name is Leia. Earlier this year they had a baby and wanted to keep up the star wars theme so they named it Ben.
Me - Freak alert!
H - you think that's bad. I know someone who named their child Philippa Condon.
Me - ....oh. my. god no way!
H - I also know someone called Richard Coch.
Parent's are cruel.

Me - WHAT THE FUCK HAS HE DONE TO HIS FACE?
sly stallone.

Labels: a case of the leader not wanting to be lead, art, quotegirl, school, teacher dramas

posted by M at 9:11 pm 32 comments

Last night bro and I went for dinner at our favourite (if not rather dodgy - health inspector wise) Vietnamese restaurant. Don't you just hate it when you think you have this special and unique relationship with your waiter but then on a busy night you realise that actually, he has the same friendly, easygoing and 'special' relationship with ALL his customers? What a slut!

Anyway, half way through dinner one of those ladies selling roses came into the restaurant with her basket and tried to palm off her roses. Bro refused to buy one for me! hmph!

Bro: I hate that shit! They publically pressure you to buy a rose. If you don't you look like a cheap arse.
Me: I know! But it's clever. If you were on a date if you don't buy a rose you do look a bit cheap!
Bro: ...And if you do buy it you look like you were forced into buying a rose
Me: "you weren't romantic enough to give be flowers before this lady came around?"
Bro: Exactly, forced rose situation.
Me: But you know, on a date situation how can you say no? Would you buy a rose for your date?
Bro: That depends on the date...
Me: Explain.
Well if it was a first date then yes but if we were married or whatever, years down the track then probably not because you don't really need to.
...okay.
...so wait, if you're married to her isn't she MORE special?
yeeeees...
Well, doesn't the special lady deserve a rose?
If you're married you probably have a joint understanding that the rose lady is a freak and there shall be no rose buying
..have you asked?
huh?
have you actually had a conversation before dinner that there shall be no rose buying?
no, it's just a general understanding
Yeeeaaaaaaah, good luck with that.
Explain
Even if they HATE the forced rose, if you don't buy the rose then it's like 'why the hell didn't I get a rose of some kind at some point during this date?'
But if you do then you look like you didn't make enough effort to get flowers before, or if you're married it highlights how you never buy flowers anymore?
yep.
That is fucked up. You hate the rose lady as much as I do
Yep, I hate that crap. I don't even want a rose from the rose lady! It wouldn't affect how I saw my date as a person. But, still there would be a little part of me that would think.."hey, why are't I good enough for a rose?" EVEN THOUGH I don't actually want one.
That is just dumb!
Yeah well, suck it up bitch. You're just going to have to be romantic, some way, somehow, some day or else you suck!!

Later, while walking back to the car

Bro: Would you rather a forced rose or a broken flower picked by hand?
Me: Flower picked by hand - even if it's a daisy - but I would rather that than store bought ones anyway.
...and if they're harder to get, like he has to climb a fence then it's even better?
yep, you got it
Yeah, now that actually makes sense.
....so what do guys get. Where's our rose?
You get NOT to give birth.
...yeah well, okay.

Labels: bro, men, quotegirl, women, wonderings

posted by M at 8:50 am 38 comments

Casino Royale = I give it a 6.5 (maybe a 7)
Daniel Craig as Bond = I give him 9 (minus one for the pout)
Bond girl cleavages = 11 out of 10


The new Bond guy Daniel Craig shits all over Pierce Brosnan, who I thought had the sex appeal of a soiled nappy but millions of women would disagree with me on that, I know. Anyway, the new Bond film was good and probably mostly only limited by the conventions of the genre anyway. Not the spy film genre - the Bond film genre, which I'm not sure is actually an established genre, but if it isn't it probably should be.
(SPOILER)

Ridiculously disfigured bad guy - check.
ethnic, hard done by bond girl - check.
tux - check
martini joke - check.
smart women are hot - check.
smart women are usually secretly out to get you (lesson learned Bond!) - check.
girls with dumb names - check.
action scenes where you can't actually follow who's punching who - check.
laughable if it wasn't so cruel torture scene - check.
multiple cleavage scenes - check (this actually turned me on more than Bond himself).
Gorgeous European landscape - check.
Bloodied shirt, needs a shirt change - check.

It definitely kept me entertained anyway. I'm not one for men in suits - it does nothing for me - but god love a man in a crisp tux. Daniel Craig was suitably sultry (if not a little pouty - is that natural?), arrogant and built like a tank. Perfect really. I was rather appalled by the torture scene yet for me the ultimate torture scene was that of -Some Guy- being dipped slowly into a tank of HUNGRY SHARKS in Licence to Kill. I don't know who the hell came up with that but my god it is GOLD!

My enjoyment of the film was hampered however by the popcorn munching FREAK sitting next to me, who just WOULD NOT STOP for a breath. He also kept rubbing his hairy arm against mine every time he reached into the box (we're talking elbow sticking right out here). Even before the film started his girlfriend proclaimed that she was crying because the trailer for the new Will Smith movie was soooo sad. The popcorn freak answered in typical boy style - oh...uh...um....really? ahh. haha. I guess though at least I wasn't sitting where my friend was, who had to contend with the 'family of talkers'. You know the type - running commentary. lol. I love the movies.

Anyway, back to Bond, I do have a torture related question: If someone was to be whipped and bashed repeatedly with a knotted heavy rope directly onto their scrotum wouldn't they (balls) be damaged beyond repair? I know some men have likened marriage to being hit forcefully in the balls with a knotted up rope but surely actually having it done to you in a torture situation by another man would end in a physical castration of some kind, no? Are there any doctors out there who can clear this up? Can a man ever recover from this? Can Bond ever recover?

PS: Pancakes. The trial run was a bit scary so today...

me: I have a confession
*#1, F, S do a three way glance*
me: I can't actually flip pancakes. I've made the batter..but me and raw flame is bad
F: ohhhh come on M, that's crap!
me: I need one of you domesticated freaks to do it!!
F: well...
#1: no way, you're going to do it. I'll stand by and talk you through it.
me: ohhhh kaaaaaay, I warned you!
*#1 talking me through it, things looking good for the first pancake*
me: I feel like the special ed kid that finally got something right.
#1: you're such a good girl! yes you are!!
me: shuddup!! ...but that patronising voice does secretly makes me smile on the inside
#1: ok now the second one!
*second one a disaster*
me: #1!!! You took your eyes off me for a second and you see what happens? I need constant supervision!
#1: Don't worry I'm watching you now.
*third pancake folds over and is stuck, I try to unstick it with my utensil but it rips in half. #1, F and S laughing their heads off.*
me: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
#1: oh my god, just give it to me!!
me: :)

And THAT folks, is how it's done!

Labels: misadventures in cooking, movies, quotegirl

posted by M at 6:59 am 21 comments

RE Teacher: God chooses each and every one of us to do something special with our lives.
Kid: *whispering to another kid* My dad gets chosen to do the dishes a lot.
pissing myself laughing

Kid: My dad is losing all his hair
Other Kid: My dad isn't!
Kid: My dad said that when people lose their hair it means they're getting smarter
haha, I love dad logic!

Bro: Look, Coburg, you could live there..
me: ohh, you mean Ho-burg?
Bro: Footscray?
me: FootscraZy
Bro: You'd be near Highpoint Shopping Centre at least.
me: Yeah, I love Knifepoint shoppo
things are getting desperate

S: Can I have a bag for this cupcake? I won't eat it now but I'll take it home with me and eat it later.
#1: Sure.
Me: Yep, you don't want to be on the train with an exposed cupcake. The derros will be attracted to you. The idea is not to attract the derros.
S: haha.
F: M, oh my god - that's terrible, you can't say that! They're not derros!
Me: What are you talking about? sure they are.
F: I don't think you can say that.
Me: pfft! I love the derros on the train. I was just saying that S shouldn't have a cupcake exposed. They might attack her for it.
F: I'm telling #1 you called them that! You're implying this area is low class.
Me: hahahahaha, go on tell her. She'll agree with me. We talk about the derros a lot.
F: #1, M said "...". Can you believe that?
#1: yeah, of course they're derros!
Me: Personally, I love riling you up F.
F: you ALWAYS do it to me!
It's just that you make it so easy

Me: soo, for the next 5 years I'm not going to be able to have an adult convesation with you, am I?
With all that baby talk? Apparently not.

Me: so, tell us about the birth!
L: nooo, it was bad. It was SO BAD! HORRIBLE! I can't tell you. You'd be put off ever having one.
Me: Go on
R: no, I don't want to hear it.
Me: Tell it! Tell it!
L: Well, I ripped.
Me: JESUS CHRIST!
CHRIST - she went on to explain all the horrid details. It was like a Freddy Kruger story.

Person on street; *sneeze*
Companion: keep it to yourself.
Person: ....
Companion: I mean, bless you.
Person: ...
pms?

Me: BTM, he (baby) is just adorable. Look at those cheeks.
BlondeTeacherMum: I was a bit worried because hasn't started crawling yet
Me: I think people put too much emphasis on timeframes like that. Don't stress yet.
BlondeTeacherMum: Yeah, you're right. It's just that mother in law is always going on about how he should be crawling.
Me: Just how opinionated is she?
BlondeTeacherMum: You know when he (baby) had that dislocated shoulder and we couldn't figure out why he was crying all the time?
Me: yep.
BlondeTeacherMum: Mother in Law told me later that she thought he was Autistic but didn't want to WORRY me.
Me: Oh. My. God. Is she a child psychologist or doctor or something?
BlondeTeacherMum: No, she's just a bitch.
noice, huh?

BlondeTeacherMum: Hubby would kill me if he knew I told you but he's thinking of getting rid of all the hair down there.
BrunetteTeacher: They all should! They look feral!
Me: keep the chest hair though.
BrunetteTeacher: God no! Get RID of it!
Me: Really? I sort of like it, must be the Tom Selleck crush from childhood.
Hair or not for men? Whaddya reckon?

Labels: quotegirl

posted by M at 12:37 pm 19 comments

me: We are constantly sign posted by this central identity of the aussie battler, the farmer, the drover and the settlers taming the wide brown land. Every time something good or bad happens we are reminded of this "little aussie battler" fellow - it's the only thing we're ever really asked to identify with - even if it means nothing. What do they have in Italy - do they even have a central ID?
Artist/Not-nun Cousin - that's always been very cute. Well, in Italy they have a few thousand years of civilisation and the Renaissance - so yeah.
Me: so, nothing more than that then? How sad for them.
I guess Oz has a bit to catch up on..

Me: hello! That weirdo guy just checked you out and now he's moving closer ..and oh my god he just winked at the back of your head!
E: ugh.
*silence. eating.*
E: Who the hell does he think he is? It's 4am. We're having our post-drunk eating binge at McDonalds. I have a diamond ring on the size of his head. What gives HIM the right to think he has a chance with ME? What part of me gave him any idea he can have a go? I don't even think he has a home! I greased him off for fucks sake. He is fucking dreaming. How DARE he!
Me: ...so, no chance then?
I guess not.


Prin: I don't know what I've done wrong. My daughters aren't married. I think it's because I never forced them to play with dolls when they were young girls!
Me: Well, S, I played with dolls and you don't see my Mother enjoying grandmotherhood now do you?
Prin: haha, yes I guess there isn't really much going on at work for the single girls. No good men.
Me: you need to hire someone lovely and very single. There are too many married guys at work!
Prin: I'll see what I can do. We'll get you sorted out!
Me: I was kidding!
S: oh but you refused my set up with P and now he's going out with that idiot secretary! We will all have to be on the lookout for you now.
Me: no, really - I'm just fine! I've decided on chocolate instead of men. Choclate is my friend!
Prin: Don't worry, we'll let you know if anyone nice comes to the front office - a quick announcement over the loud speaker
Me: oh god, this is getting out of hand. I don't want to come to work anymore. If I've gone missing you know I've hauled myself up somewhere rocking myself back to sanity.
ooh project!

Me: So I have to know T; what the hell happened with the nun thing? Why aren't you a nun?
T: I had to leave the "house".
Me: did you at least wear the habit?
T: ...no.
Me: damn. But why? What actually happened?
T: They were weird. Really....weird. They never did anything else but prayed and worked.
Me: err...they were fucking nuns! Of course they're weird! It isn't all Fraulein Maria, skipping off into the mountains you know
Though I'm sure if I was a nun I'd make that a priority.

Kid: Miss, my pet rabbit died on the Weekend.
Me: oh no! I'm so sorry. It's so sad when pets die - my fish: Moo Moo Head (*kids laughing hysterically at this*) died too. Then I think my other fish: Squishy Face might have killed off the new ones I put in the bowl. It was sad.
Kid: ...
Me: ...right, on with calling the roll then!
I don't think he was quite ready for that talk yet. oops.

Me: Today we're going to make a mistake painting. That's when someone makes a mistake on your page with paint and you turn the mistake into a masterpiece. Then you'll see that you don't need a new piece of paper every time you need a mistake
5 year old: WAAAAAAAAAH! But I don't want to make a mistake! NOOOOO. WAAAAAAAH! *tears literally coming out sideways*.
Me: That's a shame. Well, you're going to do it anyway!
He ended up loving it. damn kids *grumble*.

E: oh good you're finally here! Thank god!
Me: hm? sorry, always late - I know!
E: no, you're fine. It's just that L and I want to know about the guy that L was with on the weekend. We were both shitfaced and can't remember anything about him
L: What the hell did he look like? I've got a date with him in half an hour!
Me: Are you guys kidding? oh my god.
L: I just don't want to make the same mistake that I made last time and get my hopes up. That guy I went out with last week looked completely different without his pirate costume on!
Me: I feel sorry for this guy already.
He was lovely.

Bro: So what did you think of Michael Douglas?
Me: He was crap!
Bro: I wonder if the producers realise that they could have paid ANYONE to do the job MD did and saved on the MD price tag. He brought nothing to the role.
Me: Yeah, that's true. If they'd gotten someone like de Niro you know he would have nailed it!
Bro: I hate Michael Douglas.
Me: god, me too.
You, Me and Dupree.

R: I heard that in [insert another school name] they are patting down primary school age children as they're walking into the school. They've found knives and switch blades!
Me: you're kidding! That's so terrible. We're kind of lucky here aren't we?
R: Yes they've got that Dangerous Minds thing going on. Meanwhile we complain about classroom behaviour when our kids skip to class holding hands!
We *are* very lucky at my school.

J: This is one of the best schools I've CRTed at (emergency teaching).
Me: oh really?
J: Yeah the kids are lovely - you should see what's out there!
Me: So..what other schools are you at then? Go on!
J: I can't tell you, it's a code of ethics thing.
Me: J, please - I want to know!
J: nope sorry!
Me: *grumble*
J: okay, it starts with P.
Me: are you serious with this guessing game? No way *more grumbling*
J: hahahahahaha. I'm not telling.
Me: I'm not talking to you anymore!
*silence*
J: So, I went to see a really good movie the other day. You would *love* it.
Me: oh? What was it?
J: well, I can't tell you. ...It starts with J.
Me: oh my god, you suck!
I am VERY easy to rile up.

Me: oh RO, you look absolutely wonderful! Look, you're glowing! We all look like hell, but you look stunning!
RO: It's amazing what not teaching for 4 months will do for you.
They say that wrinkles dissapear and it takes 10 years off your life!

Labels: quotegirl

posted by M at 1:08 pm 8 comments

10 year old Kid: so Miss, ..What's a teacher taking home these days?
lol, obviously not enough if I'm fielding these sorts of questions.

crying kid: I have a big problem
okay..tell me the problem
I was playing with my brother and his friend and now they won't let me play anymore!
me: aw, I'm sorry. Where are they playing? Let's go see, maybe we can work something out.
crying kid: They're over there *points*. We were playing pirates - they were the pirates and they said I could be the parrot
me: ...

prin: okay we have some serious issues to discuss regarding JB. Any recent problems?
female teacher: he screamed continuously and when I tried to remove him from the classroom he lashed out further.
another female teacher: he threw things around the classroom and then ran outside.
female teacher: ..then he called me stupid.
young female teacher: he called me a dumb head.
male teacher: well he called me a silly bitch and kicked me in the shin.
prin: well, yes - he's quite a clever child.
rofl

office lady: I came home the other day. My son and his girlfriend were in my bed. There was a bottle of chocolate body sauce on the coffee table, a Newspaper cage on my front porch and the garden hose in my living room.
me: jesus christ...what the hell were they using the garden hose for?
office lady: ...that's the bit that scares me
this is surely why boarding schools were invented..

*sitting on shorefront with bro*
bro: I fucking hate sea gulls
me: me too, they're just so sqwalky and greedy.
bro: they should have cock fights but with seagulls instead
me: haha, that would be popular. Everyone hates seagulls!
bro: all you'd have to do is attach a piece of food to their heads with string, maybe roll them in bread crumbs and they'd go for it really quickly!
me: ... you are sick.

psychic: so, any other questions?
me: oh god, I hate myself for asking this..but will I EVER get married? EVER?
psychic: *tells me prediction*
me: ...okay, is this going to happen when I'm 60 or something? I'm getting a 60 vibe!
psychic: *laughing so hard she needs to take a break*
I need to work on my poise, I swear. Less is more. Less is more.


me: Today is your last day of working on your collages. *going on to make a detailed description of what needs to be done*
*3 minutes later*
does anyone have any questions?
little girl: ..how *do* you remember *all* of our names?
???

teacher: I'm going through some difficulties. I've found god and that's helped me but I'm also seeing a psychologist. I know people would be surprised to hear that, but it's helping me deal with some issues. I don't really know who I am. I want to find out about my life. I want to know if I'm living towards my potential
me: oh I know exactly what you mean. I'm dealing with those questions too. I think it's great that you are being proactive and seeing someone to help you forge a plan of how to deal with your anxiety about yourself. Good on you.
teacher: so, what are you going to do?
me: ...I'm seeing a psychic tonight.
*both of us holding eachother up and laughing*

me: so Australia/Brazil, whaddya reckon?
bro: we could be a chance!
me: yeah, a chance in hell
faith is a wonderful thing.

me: oops, I got lost! SORRY!
M: oh no, I was wondering where you were! Why didn't you ring?
me: I figured I'd find it eventually!
M: ...um, no - that's not how it works.
me: meanwhile *nice* neighbourhood!

E: I can't wait to get my little puppy!!
me: it'll be so cute! I love it when they're so little and they can't quite handle their paws being so big.
L: So, what are you going to call it? Do you already have a name picked out like you do for your future cat?
E: no, I'll just wait and see what'll look like.
me: call it "pooky"!
E: You want me to call a German Shepherd "Pooky".
me: yes!
E: ...You can't call a dog a name like that.
me: well *I* think you can't call a dog 'Kate' or 'James' or anything like that. THAT would be wrong. It's a dog not a kid!
E: ...good point.


I have a question for you. When you wear sneakers do you untie them so that when you put them on again they are ready for a nice new bow? Or are you like me, who slides them off, kicks them into the corner and the next time you want to wear them you stubbornly refuse to undo the laces so you end up on the floor with one leg in the air pulling on your shoes like they are a pair of galoshes? Just wondering.

Labels: quotegirl

posted by M at 1:29 pm 16 comments