[Miscellany]

There haven't been many term breaks when I feel unable to function but these school holidays have me at a loss.  I'm walking through molasses and I can't explain why.  There is seemingly no rhyme or reason... except of course there is. There is nothing without reason.  I don't and can't believe that chaos theory is a complete explanation of why things are or how they came to be.  The problem is of course, that I'm avoiding that rhyme or reason.

I'm not exactly missing the everyday slog of being at work and yet I find myself as a ship without an anchor without it.  I know I have to write that pesky resume.  I know I have to go through that pile of work.  I know there are so many things I want and need to do but I can't seem to be motivated enough to do any of them, including writing.  Though, funnily enough I've been drawing...

MVOR said that I need to go on a journey and have a holiday.  I owe it to myself to have a break and to have nice things to look forward to.  Before this term break started I was motivated to do just that but as soon as the bell rang on Friday afternoon last week something within me changed.  It was that simple.  One second I was ready to take on the world and the next, I wasn't.  Every day since then has felt like I've run a marathon before I open my eyes each morning.  And every night has felt like the longest night that I've ever lived.

This feeling of frustration and angst at my life is a new feeling.  I think before, I was resigned and numb about the status quo but now I am struggling with a sense of needing more from my life than daydreams.  I can't quite seem to get it together to make that happen though.

Anyway, the other day I found myself in a record store when this song by The Chills came over the loud speakers.  I felt an immediate sense of nostalgia for things that never were.  I stood there for a while, with Kate Bush's The Kick Inside firmly in hand and remembered a life I never lived.  It was kind of surreal to say the least and I'm sure I'm not quite explaining this out of body experience right but ... I guess you had to be there (in my head).   If I were 10 years older I think this would have been a firm favourite of mine "back in the day" however as it stands, I heard it for the first time  a few days ago and have played it every day since then.  It's a great song... a bit depressing but it suits the current mood.

Pink Frost - The Chills

Labels: blurry girl, brain fuzz, choices, constellations, music, musical monday, sad sack, wonderings

posted by M at 11:31 pm 4 comments