[Miscellany]

There haven't been many term breaks when I feel unable to function but these school holidays have me at a loss.  I'm walking through molasses and I can't explain why.  There is seemingly no rhyme or reason... except of course there is. There is nothing without reason.  I don't and can't believe that chaos theory is a complete explanation of why things are or how they came to be.  The problem is of course, that I'm avoiding that rhyme or reason.

I'm not exactly missing the everyday slog of being at work and yet I find myself as a ship without an anchor without it.  I know I have to write that pesky resume.  I know I have to go through that pile of work.  I know there are so many things I want and need to do but I can't seem to be motivated enough to do any of them, including writing.  Though, funnily enough I've been drawing...

MVOR said that I need to go on a journey and have a holiday.  I owe it to myself to have a break and to have nice things to look forward to.  Before this term break started I was motivated to do just that but as soon as the bell rang on Friday afternoon last week something within me changed.  It was that simple.  One second I was ready to take on the world and the next, I wasn't.  Every day since then has felt like I've run a marathon before I open my eyes each morning.  And every night has felt like the longest night that I've ever lived.

This feeling of frustration and angst at my life is a new feeling.  I think before, I was resigned and numb about the status quo but now I am struggling with a sense of needing more from my life than daydreams.  I can't quite seem to get it together to make that happen though.

Anyway, the other day I found myself in a record store when this song by The Chills came over the loud speakers.  I felt an immediate sense of nostalgia for things that never were.  I stood there for a while, with Kate Bush's The Kick Inside firmly in hand and remembered a life I never lived.  It was kind of surreal to say the least and I'm sure I'm not quite explaining this out of body experience right but ... I guess you had to be there (in my head).   If I were 10 years older I think this would have been a firm favourite of mine "back in the day" however as it stands, I heard it for the first time  a few days ago and have played it every day since then.  It's a great song... a bit depressing but it suits the current mood.

Pink Frost - The Chills

Labels: blurry girl, brain fuzz, choices, constellations, music, musical monday, sad sack, wonderings

posted by M at 11:31 pm 4 comments

Something has awakened in me this Spring, along with the blossoms.  It's an emotion, a frustration, an anger, love, a lust for life to take over and a feeling of inevitability that change will happen. 

There is a part of me that walks alongside me, behind me, above me, ahead.  My higher self I suppose.  I can see her silver rope in hand, attached through and inside me, pulling at the chord, she's running ahead, skipping forwards, pirouetting through the air, dancing a wild dervish while the physical me plods behind.  Higher self is quite a force, trust me.  She is beckoning me forwards through the wasted nights, wasted years, wasted life and showing me a future without despair.

I have waited for the epiphany.  I have searched for the synchronicity and explored all connections.  I've been misguided and walked down the wrong path many times but I've come to the realisation that sometimes people come into your life for one reason only.  You may share a joke.  Feel a connection.  See a spark.  Light a candle.  Carry a flame.  Are best friends.  But maybe that friendship of love or lust isn't why they are important.  That connection whatever it is isn't the important one at all. The important bit is the sentence they utter offhandedly one day.  The song you hear on their ipod when you borrow it.  The t-shirt they wear with that slogan.  The tweet you read by accident.  Whatever.  That little chaotic accident ..or twist of fate pushes you forwards and before you know it you're tumbling off the edge and into your future.  They will never know and never need to know that that their inconsequential little nothing turned into something marvelous inside you.

You came into my life to lead me here.

Despair - Yeah Yeah Yeahs



Seasons change, emotions change, the government changes, the waves roll in and out.
Good and bad, it's all change.
Everything has its day... and so will I.

Labels: about me, brain fuzz, change, change the colour of your day, choices, contemplation, daydreams, divination, endless summer lift the curse, fear, music, musical monday, personal, the circle dance, voice

posted by M at 7:08 pm 6 comments

I'm having one of those 'can't write' days. There are a few things I *could* write about but it's not quite working for me today... Feel my pain:

* I always balk a bit when I see white fabric chairs in a restaurant. There's a reason why girls like me do not wear white (um, not that reason, the OTHER reason..mess). I get a bit nervous - best they have no tablecloths either now that I think of it..or carpet. One should be able to spray and wipe down the whole establishment I feel. I don't mean to make a mess, but sometimes I do miss my mouth with my fork and get my nose instead. Sometimes I get my cheek. It's pot luck really...

* Performance anxiety in public toilets: Is it just me? ...

* One of the boys in grade 1 has a girlfriend who is in grade 2 and they are going to get married. It's been rumoured for a while but now I can offically say that yes, the kids have better social lives than I do. I have watching Big Brother in my immediate future. They have marriages and three kids...

* The film project is turning out to be bigger than Ben Hur. Where the hell do I get footage of the UN anyway? Furthermore why is it that whenever I get the group together the girls are ready to actually talk about things like humans while the boys bounce off the walls like monkeys? Is it possible to secure an electro shock device to children that can be activated from 5m away? Why hasn't anyone invented this? I want answers...

* Happy birthday Bro - here's what you have to look forward to about 27... umm...

* um...

God my life is boring.

Labels: brain fuzz, silly rabbit, writing

posted by M at 9:51 am 17 comments