[Miscellany]

Something has awakened in me this Spring, along with the blossoms.  It's an emotion, a frustration, an anger, love, a lust for life to take over and a feeling of inevitability that change will happen. 

There is a part of me that walks alongside me, behind me, above me, ahead.  My higher self I suppose.  I can see her silver rope in hand, attached through and inside me, pulling at the chord, she's running ahead, skipping forwards, pirouetting through the air, dancing a wild dervish while the physical me plods behind.  Higher self is quite a force, trust me.  She is beckoning me forwards through the wasted nights, wasted years, wasted life and showing me a future without despair.

I have waited for the epiphany.  I have searched for the synchronicity and explored all connections.  I've been misguided and walked down the wrong path many times but I've come to the realisation that sometimes people come into your life for one reason only.  You may share a joke.  Feel a connection.  See a spark.  Light a candle.  Carry a flame.  Are best friends.  But maybe that friendship of love or lust isn't why they are important.  That connection whatever it is isn't the important one at all. The important bit is the sentence they utter offhandedly one day.  The song you hear on their ipod when you borrow it.  The t-shirt they wear with that slogan.  The tweet you read by accident.  Whatever.  That little chaotic accident ..or twist of fate pushes you forwards and before you know it you're tumbling off the edge and into your future.  They will never know and never need to know that that their inconsequential little nothing turned into something marvelous inside you.

You came into my life to lead me here.

Despair - Yeah Yeah Yeahs



Seasons change, emotions change, the government changes, the waves roll in and out.
Good and bad, it's all change.
Everything has its day... and so will I.

Labels: about me, brain fuzz, change, change the colour of your day, choices, contemplation, daydreams, divination, endless summer lift the curse, fear, music, musical monday, personal, the circle dance, voice

posted by M at 7:08 pm 6 comments

Miss Nat tagged me and so...I'm gonna...

7 things I may (but hopefully not) have written in this journal before.

1) I'm big on gag reels. I'm always hopeful that one of the DVD extras of any film I watch has a gag reel. If it does then usually I'm too impatient to even watch the film first. In fact, while watching I'm usually thinking about the gag reel all the way through! I especially like those goofs where everyone on set starts laughing at some mistake or another - or can't keep it together while saying their line. I can't tell you how spazztastically hilarious I find the whole thing.

2) I have regular perverted but so realistic I can feel them dreams. Not just chicka-chicka-wow-wow type playboy mansion dreams but really fucked up ones that I can't stop thinking about all. day. long. There was this one the other night where...okay I can't do this. But it was fucked up, let me assure you.

3) I am never admitting this again, and if you call me on it I'll say that aliens took over my brain and made me write it but have a major jones for supermarket music but only within the context of the supermarket. There's something so soothing about hearing Kokomo playing at just the right volume over the loud speakers at Safeway while I sort through avocados trying to find a ripe but not too ripe one.

4) My great grandmother married a 75 year old man. she had 5 children to him. She was 14.

5) If it was socially acceptable to do so in public you'd usually find me with my hand down my pants - Al Bundy style. If not down my pants then on my boobs. Please believe me when I say it actually isn't a masturbatory thing. What can I say? I'm just still at the phallic psychosexual stage of development according to Freud.

6) Sometimes I will get certain tidbits from my relatives about my ancestors (see #4) however overall there are secrets that run deep in my family - so deep that I've been told in no uncertain terms that they are being kept from me ...for protection. Us cousins agree that there is a crazy gene - alive and rampant in the fam. No shit.

7) My imagination is so good that it's almost real. By almost, I really do mean by a hair. The only thing that stops it from not being real is my realisation that daydreams aren't actually real. If I was to ever lose my skills of rationalising everything that happens to me then I will become a full blown looney tune. This is true of everyone, sure - but it's especially true of me. If I could, I'd live totally within my imagination - it's nicer in there. Sometimes I hate that rational side of me, even if it does keep me clinically "sane".

I tag, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.

Labels: about me, blah, daydreams, dreams, family, jesus christ I'm crazy, major jones, meme, weird things

posted by M at 11:48 pm 16 comments

This afternoon she smiles knowingly. You see? she teases I can be nice - and nice she is. Golden sunlight stream down between the heavy grey buildings and into her so called famous lane-ways. I walk past those graffitied to perfection in all the right places and those that are dolled up with rows of cafe tables - in order to flirt with a man I'm slightly afraid of. I don't agree with flirting to get what you want, but times are tough and I'm a little desperate.

I arrive at my destination with a bounce still in my step - fresh from a sidewalk packed with sightseers and locals enjoying the surprisingly warm afternoon. I find him in the back of the shop leaning against a wall. He notices me too - how could he not? I have ready to be bought written across my forehead. He by contrast is wearing a hint of sleaze and a gold earring in his ear. He has don't mess with me written across his chest. He could break me without trying I think - but I pretty much think that about all people I meet, though in this case this one I'm guessing actually could.

Against my own will I wonder what it would be like to reach up kiss his full lips - something I wonder about almost all men I come across. I imagine the contrasting tangle of black and white we would create and for a moment I let the daydream creep up along my neck and up to my cheeks. He catches the look and smiles knowingly. This is too easy for him - I smile without any hint of tease, a little embarrassed, and step back. I'm not that girl. I don't know why I thought I could be anything but sincere, even in an exchange that would benefit me.

Back and forth the exchange goes until it seems we both win - or at least both get what we want. I prepare to leave and he looks down at my chest and winks as I step onto the pavement and into the sunlight. My mouth gapes in surprise and I stifle a laugh. Okay, he wins.

I am like a fawn on gangly legs with my newly acquired toy. The old one fit my hand like a glove, and this one is too big, too heavy, too difficult. We argue at each pass - disagreeing with how things should be run. I have the vision but it the technology to make it happen - we haven't learned to work together yet - and I'm just not used to sharing the lead with any dance partner, let alone one that can't talk back. I dip my paintbrush in the light and hand it over - doubtful - this process will take some getting used to.

Labels: art, daydreams, lens, melbourne musings, money, toys

posted by M at 8:34 pm 18 comments