[Miscellany]

I gave away my wedding song to a girl I work with.  She is getting married in a week and I'm not invited to the wedding.  She's not my friend, just simply a colleague. The fact that I even *had* a wedding song is laughable but goes back to what I said about hope I guess.

I have to admit that I hesitated a little before handing it over.  There was a part of me that clutched to to the song like a symbol of every possibility that ever existed to me and even as I told her I could feel my grip tighten on it and heart clench around it, trying to hold it close.  Somehow though, it had to be done, I don't even know why.  By handing it over was I wiping my hands clean of a part of my past that I had treated like a crutch or was it about letting go of dreams and giving up? I still don't know what the answer to that is but all I do know is that before I had enough time to weigh up the pros and cons of being so forthcoming it was already out there.

There was a moment before I told her the song that I knew she would love it.  I could see her in my mind's eye, smiling up at her groom and I knew that this, and I'm thinking of my last post here, would be my little inconsequential nothing that I would impart to her that would turn into something in her world.  Everybody comes into your life for a reason folk.  I believe that.  Even in the blog world.

The only thing is, is that it's not just a little inconsequential nothing is it?  Maybe it is... I don't know.  Maybe all things are for letting go.  I have to trust that this was always hers to begin with and not mine to hold on to.  I'll get mine one day too... whatever "mine" ends up being, I truly don't know what form that will take - bag lady, crazy cat lady, authoress, teacher extraordinaire, housewife, bon vivant...another song.  I trust that it whatever it is "it" will be the right thing for me.

I have to, don't I?

Let's Stay Together - Al Green

Labels: about me, change, giving away, Lloyd Dobler moment, marriage, mine, music, smug marrieds, wedding, yours

posted by M at 5:34 am 9 comments

Us singles have a different approach to life and finance than the marrieds do. Since I'm almost 30 and have pretty much resigned to never finding someone to settle down with I'm really thinking about my financial future at the moment, and looking to set myself up in alone-land. Alone-land involves thinking about 'what if I get sick?', 'what if I lose my job?' 'who will look after me?'. The answer is no one, and actually that's fucking scary. There's a lot of insecurity there - and this is because I know what it's like to account for every penny. It's how I grew up. It's not fun.

I've done a bit of soul searching and I've realised that I've been unconsciously doing something for a very long time that hasn't been good for me. I've been waiting. The waiting has held me back. While I *have* been looking for a house I'm realising now that maybe my fear about 'going it alone' has been holding me back from really laying my savings down on the line and buying something. Going it alone is bloody scary when you know that you're not ever going to earn enough to really be totally secure in mortgage land. Whatever I choose to do I know I'll have to be careful with money. That's okay in theory, but actually doing it is scary. The alternative however - waiting is a lot worse for me. Waiting is not on the cards - I need to be truly independent with waiting not even a factor. If this means I'm cutting off certain possibilities then so be it. I'm not going to suddenly win lotto so I need to really plan for my future now.

I hate people saying 'oh but you're so free'. Usually this comes from people who are snug as a bug in a rug in couple land where they're not thinking about how they are totally dependent only on themselves for everything. It's easy to say 'you're free to do what you want' when you've got a kid on your hip and hubby coming home for supper - I once challenged my friend on this and she admitted in the end that if she didn't have her husband then she wouldn't be able to do half the things that she's done. House, trips, etc - they can rely on each other. It's different when it's just you and I know the quirkyalone among you reading this will totally know what I'm talking about - serial monogamists excluded.

Anyway on being free - I don't really feel like going on an extended trip overseas, coming back with no savings and having to start again in a market that is even worse than what it is now. No thanks, I don't want to get caught up later. Honestly, if I was married, I think I would PUSH for an overseas trip right now, perhaps a stint living there for a while - because quite frankly it's easier when you've got two salaries to play with and there's safety in numbers as well. When you come back you have two salaries to bolster yourself up. Spending money on two living together is almost the same as one living alone - but you have two salaries to do it with. Yes, sure I *could* easily pack up my life and go overseas right now and not have to tell anyone about it. It could be great...for now - but while you hear all those romantic statements about living in the moment blah blah, back in the land of reality that ain't happening. Certainly not with the big stuff anyway. I'm pretty naive sometimes but not stupid. I know I have to plan and I know it has to happen now. I wrote an entry about this a while ago, in the context of men who say 'where have all the girls gone?' - well we went and got ourselves financially secure buddy.

Anyway it's taken a lot of soul searching on my part but I'm at that stage where I know I want to be financially secure so that I don't have to stress about it for the rest of my life. I've worked out a way to make it happen and am in a process of creating a future where I will not become my parents.

The relationship my parents had with money has taught me to never depend on another person for money coming in. Yes, that means I'm scarred but better to live and learn than to repeat the mistakes of others. I never want to have to 'talk about my spending' I never want to have to justify the extra pair of knickers I bought, I don't want to have to talk about how 'since I'm earning more that means you do more housework' (which yes, I have seen happen with friends of mine). I reject marrying for money (and all arguments out there that say that all women look for that in a man) because even the thought of someone paying for the date makes me incredibly anxious. Actually KNOWING that they resent doing this (from what I keep reading on the internets anyway) has opened up my eyes in a very bad way. The crap about women being gold diggers is even worse. For someone who already has a chip on her shoulder about being independent this whole money in relationships issue really gives me hives.

It's a good thing I'm planning for alone-land then eh?

So anyway, the point is I've got this plan that is actually going to happen and it's a good one but then something hit me hard - what if someone comes along in the future - waaay in the future when I least expect it? Where do they fit into the financial stability that I've (hopefully) created? I do believe in share and share alike and I'm generous to boot. I just don't want to be dependent - ever. I like the thought of a buddy relationship where you have each others backs and you both contribute the same, that would be ideal - but I'm wondering does that really exist when money and ego come into play?

The other day I was at my friend S's place and we were playing with her new baby. The baby did a poo and S looked at her husband - "can you please do it this time?" she said. He looked at her smiled and made a joke "no, I'm bringing the money in, you change the baby". I didn't say it was a funny joke, in fact it wasn't a joke at all - he was completely serious. These two actually have very similar work ethics and ideas about money and yet, there it was hanging over the room like a storm cloud waiting to erupt. Money.

Does money get in the way of a good relationship? How do you stop that from happening? Singletons, do you worry for your financial future - have you tried to plan for a future alone or are you waiting for someone to come along and help? Marrieds - did you go into your marriage totally financially secure or is this something you've developed together? Have you ever HAD these worries or were you married before it got to crunch time (for the record, I reckon 30-40 is crunch time). Is it detrimental to a relationship if one person is financially secure and the other isn't?

Labels: money, questions, relationships, singletons, smug marrieds, thoughts, wonderings

posted by M at 8:39 pm 37 comments

I've seen this on a couple of blogs - thought I might do it in view of valentines day.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is medium. You probably have had a couple significant loves. And you may have even had your heart broken. But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people. Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is high. You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love. Having your own life is very important for you... Even more important than having a relationship.

hm, some is spot on and some isn't*

I'm not going to write about the commercialisation of Valentine's Day or how people over romanticise an event that really should be demonstrated every day if you're with someone you love.

I'm not going to write how eye-rollingly difficult it is to keep my mouth shut when I hear men complaining how much money they *have* to spend on their girlfriends. If they had any idea how much time, money and pain (ripping the hair out from the roots fucking hurts) we spend on looking good for them but also doing things for them that are never appreciated they'd www.zipit.com and buy the necklace or roses or whatever - god knows any romantic gesture will get much appreciated! Also, if you've forgotten an anniversary or a birthday you've got this one day to make it up to the woman you love!

I'm not going to write about how women just sit back and expect to be serenaded in expensive ways when in fact they too could be a little romantic as well. That shouldn't be what it's about at all!

I ain't going to make a point about how if you don't actually have a partner you start looking around at all those people who do and then you come to that stinking realisation that every freak in the world but you has a boyfriend. Like the religious education teacher who snorts when she laughs and wears orthopedic shoes even though she's only 40 has someone. And the lady in the office who is mean to everyone has someone. And that woman with the mullet who is a relief teacher has a special someone. And um, you don't.

Hell, I won't even dare to mention what a kick in the nads this whole event is for singletons who after the first few 'ohhhh, that's lovely you're going out to dinner tonight' just want to scream and run into the woods and spread mud all over our naked bodies and run free far far away from society and all its trappings... err, maybe not that last bit but close enough. The whole day is a big sucky slap in the face if you don't have that special person to share it with.

hm, guess I don't have too much to write about eh?


*I guess that bit about being 'optimistic in romance' from that meme I posted was right on the money!

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I did however want to turn this into a useful post. I found an idea at Smart at Love about that! She suggests that one should throw away the list of deal breakers that you have in a relationship and instead focus on what you bring to a relationship - good and bad. I thought the idea was interesting.

The “Good Qualities I Bring to a Relationship” list
* Loving - really, yes.
* Listening - anything.
* monogamous - I will not flirt with your best friend or your father.
* am a sexual person and willing to try many new things ;)
* am intelligent (when I want to be ;)).
* love a good talk - about so many different things. Politics, the weather, pop culture, you - I'm interested and inquisitive. Yeah, I'm actually interested in you.
* You could pretty much tell me anything about your past and I will process it and move on. I am not a judgmental person when it comes to the people I care about. That is not to say that I won't say that I disagree with you or won't tell you that you're an idiot because if you have been I will make my opinion known, but this is never done in full judgment. If I care about you I will always see you for the good things you are and take the bad things on - be it friend or lover. Seriously, try me. I have been told things by friends that never got to be heard by anyone else because they knew they could tell me anything. I won't desert someone because they have a less than stellar past. I might make fun of you for it though :) And okay, having said that - if you're a rapist/child molester I will not be able to be your friend.
* never stay mad for more than 10 minutes and do not hold a grudge EXCEPT if you cheat on me, after which I will not only leave you but you can also consider me your bitter enemy (oops wait this was supposed to be the good list wasn't it?)
* I'm loyal in that will back you up and support you and us.
* Will adore you - utterly. If I didn't I wouldn't be with you.
* sincere.
* am passionate.
* am totally into the wrestle.
* If I think you really love me then I'll be optimistic, delightful and wonderful.
* I am a great friend. I want to be your friend!
* generous, in many different ways.
* am independent but love time together to be "together".
* love laughing and am not always serious or a stick in the mud.
* can see the funny side of pretty much everything.
* will see both sides of the argument most of the time.
* am straightforward - will not try to manipulate the situation and mostly will fight a fair fight.
* am honest.
* am spontaneous! I wasn't sure whether to put this here or not but to me it's a positive thing. I'm totally up for the last minute trip to Spain. I could soooooooo do that! Really- I keep my passport on my bedside table! I have ideas and love the idea of just doing them without piss farting around with the details.

The “Not-So-Good Qualities I Bring to a Relationship” list
* jealous - yes, sorry if you flirt with other people then you cannot give me the 'but I was juuuuust flirting' line.
* temper - I'm fiery and will 'react' especially when provoked - but always short lived.
* sometimes like to do the provoking - this can be good or bad depending on how 'strong' you are. If you win, I'll be your kitten (most days). If you lose, I win forever. okay? I actually would like you to win.
* can be stubborn.
* am not one of those people that plans ahead and gets everything done on time or will even have dinner cooked always precisely when it should be. I don't do things like clockwork and this tends to drive organised people around the bend!
* insecure - I do have self esteem issues and trust issues. I will totally put my life in your hands if I know you have my back, but if there is any doubt at all I won't even put one gain of sand worth of trust in you. And no, I'm not secure in myself or my talents or any of that. I realise this is unattractive to people.
* I can be cynical and criticise.
* will give you the 'teacher look' when am unimpressed and be sarcastic. This can come off as patronising - but is a reflex (teacher look is anyway).
* moody at times.
* I will challenge you (is this good or bad? - maybe a little of both). Bottom line, if I don't agree with you I'll challenge you on it - flat out. Sometimes people don't want to be challenged. Well, tough.
* I have things I don't like talking about (no I don't have an reckless past or anything) and I haven't met anyone who can tease those things out of me and am not sure I even want them to be. It is difficult for me to 'open up'.
* sometimes I'll say things without really thinking them out properly and lash out in an immature manner just to 'get you'.
* I'm indecisive. I realise this is infuriating for everyone involved!
* I pretty much live on instinct - so have been known to fly off the handle.
* I can be impatient. I want things done yesterday - except if they're done by me. I can take as long as I want (this also makes me a hypocrite).
* I am sometimes unreasonable and childish. I have been known to pout and give evil sideways glances.

So there you have it. The mixed bag of me.

Labels: cynical bitch, mixed bag of me, singletons, smug marrieds, stupid events which highlight the obsession society has with pairing everyone up, VD, yes that's right VD

posted by M at 5:35 pm 39 comments

Holding hands in a circle, a chain linked and strong but fluid, not stoic. Someone new enters and the link breaks to allow them in, again it closes. A smile, a wink, a knowing glance is shared and the dance continues, around at a frenzied pace. Another bond broken suddenly when two more hands slide in between the clasps and then another and another. The chain grows longer until the circle has no choice but to be broken and so it is - and the dance is lead in towards the centre. It swirls inwards like a pattern on a snail shell and curls around on itself like an twirling, vigorous whirlpool.

Around we all go interlocked hands all clasping, rough skin on smooth, sweaty palms on dry until there are circles within circles of people all laughing and singing and stepping in unison. Never mind a wrong foot, just hold on and keep going. At this delirious point you can't tell where the chain begins or ends and it doesn't matter.

This is a different kind of wedding waltz, a shared moment rather than private. It says that marriage is something that you share with the people who are important to you. Where it might be suffocating, breathless, sweaty and crowded it also promises to be uplifting, supported. Always there will be someone willing to clasp your hand, support your dance and hold on, come what may, until the very end.

Labels: aching feet, community, foreign weddings, smug marrieds, the circle dance, three cheek kisses

posted by M at 11:39 am 15 comments