Thursday, December 06, 2007

ding dong merrily on high

I'm struggling lately with feelings of low self worth. I've always struggled with this stuff, as long as I can remember but recently I've felt it more than usual. I do remember being about 6 or so and feeling that I wasn't good enough for my family or friends or school or anyone and those feelings have always been with me ever since. I look back now and know why and how I started feeling like shit about myself but you know..24 odd years of feeling that is a long time to turn a habit into something ingrained. The truth of the matter is that I've never known what it's like to feel that sense of 'this one person in the world accepts me for who I am' - which I'm imagining that most people feel at SOME point in their lives even if it's from their parents or a lover or good friend or offspring etc. Part of this I can credit to my upbringing and part of it probably goes to myself for actually NOT being good enough. I may be self critical but I'm also extremely self reflective and not unfairly either. I do tend to see things as they are, in the harshest possible light, without any kind of rosy glow. It's also true that no one could ever tell me anything to my face or behind my back that I haven't ready flogged myself about a million times already. I've thought of everything already.

Reality; for all my imagination and fanciful thoughts I'm extremely good at it.

My ability to do this has kept me grounded but it's also given me a serve or two up the back of the head - maybe I'm concussed. Right now, I'm being pounded with shitful (made up word) feelings. Feeling undervalued at work is part of it but not all. The house thing isn't going to plan, there has not been anyone boy-ish around in forever and the friends are starting to dwindle. Family too hasn't kept up the bargain of love and respect and all that nice stuff. Health wise I haven't been right for a while either. I don't know what to say - when it's one or two things that aren't going right for a little while then you can put it down to the alignment of stars but when all is very wrong for a very long time then one asks themselves Maybe I really don't deserve any of that nice stuff that normal people have, and the old favourite what's the point?

It's a shitty time of year for being reflective though, I'll admit that. Christmas is seeing people all happy go lucky but I don't feel that way at all. I just feel really empty and like I don't belong. I feel like I'm renting a space and the landlord is going to come along any second now and say 'hey, you're just not living up to expectation' and evict me. Not quite sure where I'll go...

Labels: , , , , , , , ,