[Miscellany]

I will always associate Crunchie chocolate bars with my Uncle R. He would bring them with him every single time he came to visit. When you are 8 years old and you are given Crunchie every time a particular person comes to visit - you very quickly develop a Pavlovian response to that person. Beat up old Holden in the driveway = saliva. Never fails.

If everyone has a crazy Uncle, then mine is R. He would refer to Christmas at Easter time, make stupid jokes at the wrong moment and do the Mexican party cry YOW YOWYOWYOW in the middle of an otherwise sedate family dinner. Definitely not for the fainthearted - or for the sensitive of hearing either.

He died today.

I don't know what else to say about that - except that it wasn't really a party at the end, nor was there a Crunchie in sight. Eventually he went peacefully, but it was a struggle for years and years.

I wish I knew how to deal with this in a normal way. I've not cried or blubbered once. I'm just dazed and feeling kind of worried, with a bit of dread settling deep somewhere in my belly - though I can't tell you why or what for. I want for nothing else than to be a blubbering, snotty mess and unable to cope. At least I know that reaction isn't forever - it's a truck stop on the way to a better place. Instead, I don't know what to do with with what I've got but I have a feeling I'm going to be stuck with it for a while.

Labels: change the colour of your day, family, feel like crap, nostalgia

posted by M at 11:13 pm 7 comments

I'm struggling lately with feelings of low self worth. I've always struggled with this stuff, as long as I can remember but recently I've felt it more than usual. I do remember being about 6 or so and feeling that I wasn't good enough for my family or friends or school or anyone and those feelings have always been with me ever since. I look back now and know why and how I started feeling like shit about myself but you know..24 odd years of feeling that is a long time to turn a habit into something ingrained. The truth of the matter is that I've never known what it's like to feel that sense of 'this one person in the world accepts me for who I am' - which I'm imagining that most people feel at SOME point in their lives even if it's from their parents or a lover or good friend or offspring etc. Part of this I can credit to my upbringing and part of it probably goes to myself for actually NOT being good enough. I may be self critical but I'm also extremely self reflective and not unfairly either. I do tend to see things as they are, in the harshest possible light, without any kind of rosy glow. It's also true that no one could ever tell me anything to my face or behind my back that I haven't ready flogged myself about a million times already. I've thought of everything already.

Reality; for all my imagination and fanciful thoughts I'm extremely good at it.

My ability to do this has kept me grounded but it's also given me a serve or two up the back of the head - maybe I'm concussed. Right now, I'm being pounded with shitful (made up word) feelings. Feeling undervalued at work is part of it but not all. The house thing isn't going to plan, there has not been anyone boy-ish around in forever and the friends are starting to dwindle. Family too hasn't kept up the bargain of love and respect and all that nice stuff. Health wise I haven't been right for a while either. I don't know what to say - when it's one or two things that aren't going right for a little while then you can put it down to the alignment of stars but when all is very wrong for a very long time then one asks themselves Maybe I really don't deserve any of that nice stuff that normal people have, and the old favourite what's the point?

It's a shitty time of year for being reflective though, I'll admit that. Christmas is seeing people all happy go lucky but I don't feel that way at all. I just feel really empty and like I don't belong. I feel like I'm renting a space and the landlord is going to come along any second now and say 'hey, you're just not living up to expectation' and evict me. Not quite sure where I'll go...

Labels: christmas, fear, fed up, feel like crap, feelings, oh I don't know., questions, sad sack, wonderings

posted by M at 12:02 am 23 comments

Saturday disappeared right along with me under the doona - where it was deep and warm and a bit womb-like. The official excuse was 'hangover' and I had that - sure - a fucking bad one, but it wasn't a funny kind of hangover where you know you're recovering from a good night out. It was a horrible, restless, gut-wrenching kind of hangover where you feel like shit not only physically but also somewhere in your heart too. I didn't quite intend to spend the whole day in bed but somehow every time I peeked shyly out from under the covers it'd be all too much and I'd roll over again and have another little chat with morpheus and my pillow. Morpheus answered in true bastardly style - as usual. A dream about a haunted dress and a man who approached me for a friendly hug but squeezed me tight enough to take my breath away and then followed that up by pressing his knuckles so hard into my spine I actually awoke with a yelp!

Quite frankly folks, I feel like crap and I don't know what to do to about it. I agree with all those suggestions like "just force yourself to go out and be with people" but look, it's not going to happen. I feel like an understudy in The Hours - I'm the crap teacher who suffers unrequited love, has people die on them and finds out she isn't quite good enough for anyone or anything. Not even a leading lady in my own movie! A bit melodramatic? Oh yes, I know, I know! How do I go a little less Virginia Woolf and a lot more Wonder Woman? I'm usually one for the cynical approach to all things, but I can't this time. I'm being utterly sincere with myself and while it may not be the worst I've ever felt - it's close.

Top that with 7 hours of Christmas shopping only to realise I've forgotten one present! Then the bleeding foot (tan bark + cute sandals = ow), then the whole 1ltr bottle of varnish I spilled all down my outfit today (including on to cute new sandals) - yes a whole bottle aaaaaaand the mysterious rash under my breast. Obviously I rock.

I can't even fathom doing a Musical Monday today. I should have asked one of you to guest blog it. Any takers? - There's still a few hours of Monday left in the sand glass.

Labels: feel like crap

posted by M at 5:39 pm 32 comments