[Miscellany]

I've never thought of myself as a particularly fearful person.  In fact, I think that as a child I was quite fearless, possibly outspoken, perhaps even obnoxious at times.  I was a leader and probably not all that benevolent either. I was moody and had a temper (have a temper?).  I do remember being shy though, uncertain when it came to friendships (did anybody actually like me?) and even running and hiding behind the couch when strangers came to visit.

I don't remember when the fear as I know it now really crept in.  Maybe it was always there, holding hands with my shyness and playing jump rope with my uncertainty.  Perhaps shyness and uncertainty stem from fears. I don't actually know if that is true but there are many ways in which it affects my life now.

MVOR talks a lot about my fears and where they come from.  There is a family history (hysteria, rather) that runs deep.  I don't think it's genetic but instead something seeded and nurtured.  I remember being a teenager and being so surprised when my friends' mothers would say "have a nice time" when they left the house.  As I exited the front door my mother would say something akin to "someone with a blood filled syringe may stab you with it.  I saw it on Hinch.  Be careful".  This is clearly not an environment that fosters self-confidence, love for your fellow human or being carefree is it?

Fear has stopped me from living my life in a fulfilling way.  That is a big statement to make but it's true.  I live in the sense that I am a functional member of society.  My fear doesn't stop me from having a job or paying the bills (hmph!).  I'm much too responsible to break the law in any kind of significant way and I'm too empathetic and mindful of others to ever really hurt any living thing.  I'm a good friend.  I go out.  I can share a laugh and I can speak to a room full of parents and teachers without losing too much sleep.  It's just that I'm not living my life in a way that is authentic or emotionally satisfying and that's the problem.

I'm afraid..
-to take a chance and apply for other, better jobs just in case the situation is worse than where I'm at.
-to go part time, in case I can't pay my bills.
-to go on a holiday alone.
-to put myself out there, love wise.
-(in fact), to put myself in situations where I can be rejected in any way.
-to go back to my place because I'm afraid my nose will start bleeding again and I'll be on my own.
-to be on my own.
-to make decisions - on some days any decision can become a crippling one.
-to insist on treatment that is right for and worthy of me.
-to speak my truth in case someone disagrees or ridicules me.
-to write.

(just the tip of the ice-berg, believe me).

I hide this fear well.  Most people I know have no idea I live with an anxiety that I can sometimes (most days) feel physically in the pit of my stomach.  Most people wouldn't have a clue how debilitating it is not to be able to acknowledge yourself as the instigator of your own life and make decisions.. and I suppose that is why I don't share this fact with others.

I suppose that's what it comes down to at the end of the day.  I'm the instigator of the fear and of the solution but somehow I ...just can't do it. I know the only person that can change the direction of my life is me but I also don't feel as though I'm in the drivers seat in my own car.

How do I take the wheel?

Labels: emo, fear, jesus christ I'm crazy, musings, psychos, scared, wonderings

posted by M at 7:43 pm 18 comments

No, not Elmo, EMO!



That's right. Asymetrical hair sporting, black eyeliner wearing, Emotional hardedge music listening Emos. After the tragic suicides of teenagers Stephanie Gestier and Jodie Gater in Melbourne a few weeks ago it's all anyone seems to be talking about these days. What is Emo? Who listens to it? Why does everyone hate Emos so much anyway?

I'm afraid I'm no expert on the matter. I first came across the term about 8 or so years ago on an online message board where everyone made fun of them. I learned there that Emos were somewhere between wannabes and social lepers. I guess 8 years on that basic definition hasn't changed.

From what I understand Emo refers to Emotional hardcore or just Emotional. Where the music is kinda hardcore punkish but with a mainstream edge and their look is punk meets goth at Supre and then both go for a Boost Juice at the local Shopping Mall before heading off home to update their MySpace. Or in short; Got any blacker? I don't quite understand it and that's either because I'm way too old and cynical or because I haven't bothered to understand. I guess for me if you like a punk sensibility in your music then what's the point of listening to farking Jimmy Eat World when The Ramones are ready to rock?

An Emo may argue that they are a valid subculture and don't want to listen to the music of other already established subcultures which are associated with another era. Fair enough every generation wants a valid representation of it's members after all - I guess though when even the bands that we associate with Emo music are trying to disassociate themselves from the Emo subculture something has clearly gone wrong at headquarters. I keep reading that bands who are associated with the Emo scene keep denying they are Emo. I also keep reading the name Ian MacKaye being being associated with the Emo movement and this shocks me a bit. He's responsible for the band Fugazi and Minor Threat which I guess are more Straight Edge punk-type music rather than Emo.

This brings me to the point - is Emo something you call yourself or is Emo something that someone else calls you?

I was talking about Emo the other day with someone when it became apparent through our conversation that most all important musical genres had gone through an initial struggle to be accepted by their peers. They were ridiculed for the way they dressed, they were ridiculed for their different to the mainstream, they were blamed for the ills of society (suicide etc). I had to laugh when I though about it but in 30 years are people going to regard Emo with ..respect?

God, that would trip my mind. That would mean that I'd be one of those stick-in-the-mud old naysayers who just don't get it. I'm *gulp* un-hip.

Emo, love it or hate it?

Now here's some music that isn't Emo in the least, but I like anyway. Apparently I like being un-hip.

Golden Brown - The Stranglers

Labels: emo, music, musical monday

posted by M at 10:51 pm 35 comments