Wednesday, February 15, 2006

life as art

The week goes by quickly in the art room. There are always paint pots to refill or brush strokes to advise, ideas to conceive and behaviour to manage. I arrive early and leave late, because there is so much to organise and clean up. I am engrossed and occupied by everything around me. There is so much to learn and do and feel but I feel isolated. I work alone in the truest sense. There is no team to commiserate with and no class to woe over. I am not hounded by parents and the general school information does not always apply to me. I am an island, or rock..whatever.

I am not afraid of working alone per se. When it comes to getting things done, I am probably at my best when I can do it my way. This is mostly because I don't work to a grand plan. When I was putting up my displays I had many people offering their hand to help put them up, but I had to refuse them all. I probably spent 3 full work days overtime just putting up the display and this time could have been reduced had I accepted help. But I couldn't. I had to refuse the help because I had no idea how the displays were going to look until I stood in front of the empty boards, looked at my materials and visualised the end result. I am not the girl who will ever be able to give you a comprehensive list. I cannot tell you exactly how things will be. Blind faith is how I work. Trust me, it'll work... Not so good in a team.

But I love the team. I love gathering ideas, letting off steam and engaging in the social aspect of teamwork. I like people barging into my classroom all day and telling me they are going to kill a someone real soon. I like sharing stories with people who will listen and reciprocate. Teachers need other teachers. Noone else gets the hilarity and pain of being one. They can try, but it's useless - people who are not teachers usually find teachers really fucking boring (and we are - we are TOTALLY one track minded). I have recounted stories to "normal" people who have looked at me blankly and then told the same stories to teachers only to have them crying with laughter. And this is something I don't have on a constant basis now.. like I did before.

All my communications with others are limited to recess and lunch time. Ducking next door for a quick bitch is not an option anymore and I miss that. There are other fulfilling things that I gain, but this one little thing..I'm having a hard time dealing with.

I need to conquer this.