Monday, February 27, 2006

the pot

A gave me a hug this morning when she saw me and promised to stop bullying me all the time. Sometimes a hug just makes you feel so much better, you know? You can sort of lean against another person and you're enveloped in their arms and strength and for half a second it feels like you're not so alone in the world. Yeah, I know it was just a dumb hug and it made me late for my first class, get over it mez! But really, it was nice. I want hugs everyday.

I did a lesson today with the preps that was just utter crap. I was so dissapointed in myself for coming up with it that I could scream. It didn't work. I wasn't happy with the results and now I've committed myself to it until it's finished. It's very hard feeling your way for the first time in a new subject like this. I can't really pre-empt very much at all and I realise I don't have any carry over time to finish things off or just change things around. If it's crap then everyone suffers and sometimes I'm just crap. There, I've said it.

The other day we had a retirement party for one of the guys who worked at the school. He was one of those really wonderful positive people that had a smile on his face everyday. Usually, I hate those people (I gravitate more towards the sassy people who see the funny side of life, and realise not everything has an answer) but J is one in a million. He's great. You know, he's been married 30 or so years and has bought a bunch of flowers for his wife every week that they've been married. EVERY WEEK! It's not even a big deal to him - he just says she deserves it and he loves doing it for her. Everytime I hear that my heart just melts. It's not the flowers, it's the lovely caring nature of it all. It's so romantic. Stories like that make me think that maybe not all men are a bunch of neanderthals and actually gives me hope for the future. I know this is dangerous. Anyway, J was my movie buddy. He'd ask me for a review before he went to see anything (err, because I have no life and watch movies all the time I usually had a review ready) and I'd ask for his opinions on the movies he saw that I hadn't yet seen (usually high brow affairs). Who is going to be my movie buddy now?

One person who turned up to J's roast was the ex-ex art teacher (before my time). She apparently wants to come back into the school (she took maternity leave and her time is almost up..if she wants to come back into the school they have to let her in) and I know which position she's eyeing up. She kept giving me curious looks at the party and then turning away when I tried to meet her gaze. Before it was publically known that I was offered the art role, someone at the school who is very close to ex-ex recommended her for the position. But I know that V.Prin hates ex-ex and so the idea was poo pooed straight away. But should ex-ex actually kick up a fuss then... god.

You know, a very big part of me misses being in the classroom. I love the art role but at the same time I miss being in the thick of things and having a grade to call my own. I don't know what I would do if ex-ex wanted to come back. I know that she would have to take on any role that Prin wanted her to, which could mean music teacher or classroom teacher and I know I would probably be asked first what I wanted, but I also know (from the horror stories I've heard) that ex-ex is a real artist and that she would kill her first born to be let back in the art room. This alone makes me want to punch her in the face. When cornered I will come out guns blazing - but I tend to burn bridges when I get like that.

I don't really want to change positions every fucking year. It's like contemplating moving the journal to dl (it's already up actually, ha!) but knowing I might move back to the new dx is in the back of my mind and do I really want to send you all on a wild goose chase? okay, it's nothing like that. But I guess, although I do enjoy change and newness - I thrive on it, actually, can't stand that dullness associated with being 'safe' - still, I have to think seriously about my career at some point and becoming someone who constantly moves from one place to the next is not the way to build up a reputation as a professional who fits in, or is reliable. Jack of all trades and all that. What do you think? Am I just being an idiot?

Interestingly my star sign for today - courtesy of Jonathan Cainer.

This week, most things should trundle along nicely in a safe, ordinary fashion. Little of remarkable nature will transpire. A sense of routine will help to provide comfortable reassurance. Or at least, that's the theory. If you were someone else, this might just seem credible. But since when have you managed a whole week without a drama of some kind turning up from somewhere? You'll find yourself unable to resist the urge to get involved. You'll learn something valuable, though. And at least it will stop things from being drearily easy for too long!

I have my performance review tomorrow. I hate these things. Basically teachers don't really get bonuses, or even raises. We get the governmentally alloted increment rise. This is what is known as laughable or "peanuts" to anyone who has a job that actually pays their worth. But, since when were teachers ever paid their worth? The performance review is the process by which you go through to get the increment. I know that they are a good way of checking in on your workers and making sure that things are okay with them and it also keeps people on their toes. All good. One must be challenged and happy in order to be productive - but it's become sinister in recent years. They (powers that be) want to make it harder to achieve the inrement (remember it's a pittance, seriously you would LAUGH your arse off at it) by making the steps you need to get it harder to achieve. Okay, yes this is good on a level but 'contribution' to school is done in different ways that are not on the stupid performace review guidelines. Teachers have different talents and strengths. Some are very good at being visible. Some can put up a kick arse display. Some are great at public speaking. Some can organise the shit out of anything. Some teachers are good at being a great support that allow others to shine. All are equally important in a school and contribute invaluably. I don't see how making all teachers conform to a certain *ideal* of "contribution" is going to make us better teachers. We each add our own individual talents to the pot, why suppress that? You can't make a beef casserole with only beef you know. How can you make a school with only show ponies?

*edit* since I put my star sign in, I might as well go the whole hog and do a survey eh? Don't hate me for being a dumb survey whore.

the Romantic

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

* help their children become who they really are
* support their children's creativity and originality
* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages