Sunday, March 19, 2006

boys and their blahs.

If I get the Sunday Herald Sun it's because:

a) I'm sick and in need of comfort (tabloid newspapers are sort of like comfort food..bad for you but oh so much fun).
b) Feeling like gossip is more important than news.
c) just not really caring about the rest of world.

I can safely say that I am experiencing all three at the moment, (specially A. I don't know how the germs got to me, since there hasn't been a child near me since school finished, but there ya go).

So, I'm reading through the Sunday Magazine over my bowl of chicken soup (yeah, I had chicken soup for breakfast, I'm sick dammit!) when I come across Will Anderson's article about how women wait for phone calls from men and don't understand why they don't call. Finally, someone has addressed this phenomenon and put their name to it!

Call Waiting by Will Anderson
Now, like I said, I'm no sexpert. I don't have a BA in BABES or a PHD in Pretty Hot Dudes, but I have watched almost every episode of Sex and the City and even in bloke-land, five days is a long time. After all, it's an entire test match.

My general rule - and by that I mean the rule I am making up right now - is that waiting for a guy to call should be like waiting for a cheque to clear at the bank; if it hasn't happened in three working days, it probably isn't going to happen.

Look, I know from watching late-night telelvision that you girls like to sit around in the bath, or washing the car in your bikinis waiting for guys to call, but let's get serious girlfriend (sorry, turning into Oprah for a second). If he really likes you, he could be sent to jail for a crime he did not commit and he would use that one phone call to ring you, "just to say hi!".

I'm sorry to break it to you, ladies but if a guy really likes you, no amount of soggy Nokia broken fingers or alien probing will stop him from finding you. Put it this way; If Osama Bin Laden had the phone number of a girl George Dubya thought was really hot, he would have found him two years ago.

So why would this guy not call? Well the first thing to consider is that, unless he happens to be a balding, tubby champion leg-spinner (ed: Shane Warne), most Aussie blokes just arent that comfortable on the phone.

The second - and probably more likely reason - is that he's just not that intrested. But when it comes to being honest with women most men are complete cowards.

I'm not proud of it, but I think there could well be a couple of girls I dated at high school who I'm technically still going out with becuase I didn't have the guts to ring up and break it off. If you're out there, girls, I'm sorry.. and happy anniversary.

In fact, if you want to understand the male psyche, you need to go no further than the classic male break-up line; "it's not you...it's me! If a bloke drops the it's not you it's me, bomb on you, it means one of three things:

- It is you - especially that annoying whistling sound your nose makes when you sleep.
- It's not you - and it's not him either. It's the sexy new temp, Jessica at his office who always wears the miniskirt and the long black boots.
- Or finally, it's not you, it's him and his desire to get our of your house and home to finish the next level on the Nintendo you got him for Christmas"

Thank you for that insight, Will Anderson!
Now, I just want to know how the "hunters" in this tribe we call humanity got to be so cowardly and why they can't just own up to the fact that they are not going to call (ever). They don't want coffee. They don't want ice-cream at luna Park and they definitely don't want to get together later for dinner and babies. It's okay. It's fine. We understand that new MAC extra long lashes and suspender lacy pantyhose; may not work for everyone we meet. But for fucks sake just be honest about it.

Is this so hard boys? Is this really so hard?