Monday, March 20, 2006


I've had a headache that no amount of pain killers will cure. It's been my constant companion for three days now, sometimes making my vision blurry, but mostly invading my dreams in twisted ways (remind me to tell you the one about the dead prostitute). I've been stuck in doors a bit - kicking the shit so to speak. Daydreaming a lot. Sleeping. Reading..

I've been flicking through my copies of The Sandman (Neil Gaiman), which I tend to do every now and again. When I first began reading them I didn't actually earn enough to buy all the trade paperbacks straight out. I'd read the thing in a few hours and then wait in agony until next pay day so I could buy the next one. The guys at the comic book shop knew me by that stage ("hullo again!!"). Good lord. I promise I'm not a total geek...okay yes I am. They are probably my most favourite series of anything ever made and I can get a bit precious about lending them out, as proven by my constant badgering of E when I lent it to her. It's not that I like comics as a rule - but this series was so well written, complex, sad..

One of my most favourite of Neil's retellings (and god knows, being the pop culture whore I am, it's always the retellings that fascinate me more) is that of "The Song of Orpheus". The crux of the story is that in order for Orpheus to save his one true love from eternal death he must travel to the underworld. He is promised her life, but only if he walks away without looking back.

along the way..

and she was there..but because he didn't trust that she would be, she dissapeared.

Some people find trust so easy and I've been part of enough drama groups to know that when it comes to those lean back and I'll catch you games I have a hard time not shitting my pants. I can think of moments that have fucked with my mind - little guestures, off hand comments, promises not kept..all those things and more. I guess everyone goes through them. But I can't really think of many times that my trust has been reaffirmed. I must make bad decisions.

I know that those funny little quirks that make us who we are are comes from somewhere else. Especially since I've become a teacher I can see where children's insecurities/strengths/comforts come from. They are not always so black and white, but mostly - you can trace the trail back and find something, somewhere - if not in the home then somewhere else.

But I realise it's been a problem for me since forever; I've known that I need to do something about it. But how do you make it better without making it worse? I don't really know how. But I think about changing it.

It's so easy to lose everything with a dumb move..