Saturday, March 04, 2006


I struggle.
I don't know why, but it's been that way all my life. I've not been one of those people that are blessed with good luck. That's okay, not everyone is.

I've had my legitimate struggles with loss and well, other things. But mostly I struggle with this uncertainty I have about my life. Perhaps it all stems from the bigger things. I'm not sure. But, I don't know what I'm doing. It worries me that I don't have more direction, or stability. It worries me that I am a drifter. I think I should be more like the others, husband, house, 2.3 children. But, I've none of these things. I seem to float more than I do swim.

You don't win any races by floating, my dear.

Years ago I decided I wasn't quite the same as other people. Not to say that I am in any way unique, but more just plain old different. The ways in which I'm different don't show so much anyway. They are certainly not obvious. They are inside and boy would you have to be some kind of locksmith to even vantage a peek. Perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophesy that I did in the end not follow everyone elses straight pathway and not the work of destiny. Whatever the reason - I just find myself struggling to follow the path, and yet, still knowing that I won't.

Despite the uncertainty I have about everything I think and do, there are certain things I know. Every decision, every action, every event in my life I have somehow known. I knew I was going to do the things I did. I knew which people would let me down. I knew my father would die early. I know who to connect with and who not to. Sometimes I connect with people, knowing they will crush me to smithereens but I do it anyway. I have this thing in me that needs to turn the coin over to check for the tarnish. I don't want to do it, but I do anyway.

I often ask myself why I do this, but these kinds of questions just leave you more empty than you started and questions can lead you into thorny territory anyway. I should step away from that. If we're talking about being a glass, half empty of half full, what I need to surround myself with people who fill me up, rather than pour me out. Especially since I do the pouring out quite well already on my own. On the other hand, honesty is always the best policy - I'd rather be torn apart and it be true than patted on the head like some sort of unfortunate. I may need people to fill me with niceness, (and I am always surprised if or when they do) but I don't actually expect much from people - I've learnt not to actually. That is whole other story, or a different chapter in this same story that I can't bring myself to tell yet.

Maybe I just needed to be told I was worthy when I was younger. Maybe that would have made the difference I needed. I don't know how to change it now. I don't know how to pour the bad stuff out without all the good stuff going with it. I don't know how to do that. I don't even know how to stop pouring altogether. I bet that doesn't even make sense.

This all comes down to why I went into teaching. Somewhere along this beaten path I thought I might try child psychology - it was one of my original ideas anyway. In my mind all children need to be built up, not torn down. It breaks my heart to see sad children who lead lives beyond their years. It's not right. I can't tell you how many lives I've taken home with me and thought about at 3am when everyone else is asleep.

That first year of teaching was especially hard. I lay awake tearing my hair out about every second child. I thought about their abuse or illness or various sorrows. Teaching maths and english wasn't enough. It simply wasn't good enough. It was their problems that I wanted to solve. But I couldn't. I failed.

Oh..I have no idea what this entry is about.
I try so hard to fix other peoples broken bits - I want it all to be smooth going. I like doing that. And You know, everything is worth it - my whole crooked dumb unworthy life, if just one kid who missed out on the "I'm a worthy person" gene turns around one day and thinks they're worth it just because of something I said. That'd be worth my dumb struggles - crooked pathway and all.